all my homies hate jason carver

hann. 23. sometimes i write shit. 18+

[sunmoonandeddie]

masterlist

☾ - fic has over 1K notes

eddie munson:

rockstar!eddie (headcanon)

part one

eddie doesn’t fuckin’ stink (headcanon)

summary: eddie doesn’t fuckin’ stink and here’s why.

bucky barnes:

i wished on the moon for you (one shot) ☾

summary: After losing Bucky, you were devastated. So when Howard Stark asks for volunteers for an experiment, you’re the first in line.

i am born again (one shot)

summary: In a moment of reverence, you and Bucky look back on where you started.

best friend’s fuck buddy (one shot)

summary: Bucky is really bad at dealing with feelings.  Like, ‘I’m gonna fuck my teammate who happens to be your best friend to try to ignore my feelings for you’ kinda bad.

we’re gonna need a bigger house (one shot)

summary: You find the courage to tell Bucky about your latest ultrasound.

what the fuck did you do (one shot)

summary: Bucky’s been using you to try to make Natasha jealous.

feelings are fatal (complete) ☾

summary: After the events of Endgame, you struggle to come to terms with what you’ve lost, though you’re learning that you still have something to gain.

“i’m a monster.” (drabble)

summary: “I’m a monster.”  “You love me?”  “Of course, I do, you dork.”

my sweet girl (one shot) ☾

summary: After WWII, James finds you and rescues you from the rest of the world.

but here i am (one shot)

summary: After years of being separated from the Avengers, Bucky finds you during a job.

take it easy, romeo (one shot)

summary: The Soldat remembers one person through it all.

spilled wine (one shot) ☾

summary: You’re nothing more than a servant who happens to warm the bed of the king.  At least, that’s what you thought you were.

happy (one shot)

summary: You realize you were wrong.

respectable work (one shot)

summary: Bucky and you met a little unconventionally.

rosemary’s corner (one shot) ☾

summary: There’s something up with Bucky.

sly as a fox (complete) ☾

summary: After the blip, the Avengers continue on with business as usual.  But they soon find out that while they were away, someone took it upon themselves to do the job they left behind.  Social Media AU.

mais charmante (complete) ☾

summary: James needs something.  More specifically, he needs someone.  Someone he can take care of that’ll fill his daily quota of affection.  Who better than a college student whose heart is too big for her own good?  Social Media AU.

a vision in white (one shot)

summary: Fucking Chad and fake champagne.

thanks for the memories (one shot)

summary: Bucky’s lived a long life.

a light in the window (one shot)

summary: Bucky sees a light in the darkness.

cowgirls don’t cry (in progress) (possibly discontinued)

summary: After moving to New York City with your dad when you were twelve, you did absolutely everything you could to forget Tennessee, including the blue eyed boy who still remembers you.

i’ll be home for christmas (one shot)

summary: Bucky made a promise to his girl, and Steve helps him keep it.

the sins of the father (one shot)

summary: You were nothing more than the Siren, the She-Demon of the Seas.  At least, that’s what you thought.

marriage story (one shot)

summary: Fake marrying Bucky was only supposed to be a means to an end.

keep me (drabble series)

summary: Ways to say “I love you” without actually saying it.

i don’t need a roof (one shot)

summary: Bucky thinks he’s running out of time, and needs to make sure his girl knows she’s taken care.

state of emergency (in progress) (possibly discontinued)

summary: A series of one shots showcasing five different, intertwining stories of finding hope in a time of darkness.

saturdays (one shot)

summary: Bucky Barnes has a new routine.

miss twenty something (discontinued)

summary: You’ve got a birthday resolution.  To write in your journal every day for a year.  Yeah, we’ll see how well that goes.

have you seen baby? (one shot)

summary: You and your two lovers haven’t gotten to spend much time together.  Also, sex pollen.

pandemic overload (one shot)

summary: You need an escape from everything, and Bucky is more than happy to give it to you.

‘cause you are, you are (one shot)

summary: Bucky’s found someone out on his front lawn during a snowstorm.  Well, Alpine found her.  If only he knew what he was getting into.

as long as i’m living (one shot)

summary: Battles are always hard, especially the aftermath and what’s left behind.

apartment 4d (one shot)

summary: There’s nothing Bucky loves more than the widow down the hall and her son.

sunrise (one shot)

summary: He’s not sure what he’s done to earn each morning, but fuck, does he love it.

where the love light gleams (in progress) (possibly discontinued)

summary: It’s been over six months since you’ve been home, and with Christmas quickly approaching, your parents are putting their foot down.  The only issue is that you’ll have to face your past.

who you are and who you’ve been (one shot)

summary: Sometimes love takes a little longer to find you.

edge of the devil’s backbone (one shot)

summary: Your knight has sworn to protect you always, even if that means committing a grave sin.

and he kissed me right here (one shot)

summary: I’ve always been sure that all I ever wanted was a glamorous life.

all the riches, baby, won’t bring what your love can bring (one shot)

summary: The Crime Whores cover the story of the Barnes’s Gang, who robbed over twenty banks in fifteen years.

steve rogers:

yellow lights (one shot)

summary: Steve struggles with his decision to keep you safe, and you never get to tell him you love him.

light up my moon (one shot)

summary: Not everyone gets a second chance, but you’re one of the lucky ones.  (Yellow Lights Part 2.)

i think you might be my soulmate (one shot)

summary: Steve finds out a little more about Alexander Pierce.

don’t forget to subscribe (in progress) (possibly discontinued)

summary: If there’s one thing you hate more than anything, it’s disappointing your viewers.  But it’s looking like you might have to, since after your breakup with fellow YouTuber Thor Odinson, you have no one to film a highly requested Boyfriend Does My Makeup Challenge video.  That is, until your best friend, Natasha, steps in.

state of emergency (in progress) (discontinued)

summary: A series of one shots showcasing five different, intertwining stories of finding hope in a time of darkness.

a brooklyn blackout (one shot)

summary: Steve finds a light in the darkness in the middle of a rainstorm.

oh, captain, my captain (one shot)

summary: Steve Rogers got bored in his retirement, so he picked up the hobby of teaching art. But he still feels restless until his missing piece comes along.

thor odinson:

god is a woman (one shot)

summary: As the Goddess of Life, you spend your days caring for the beings of the universe.  After the Snap, you arrive on Earth to help find a way to reverse it, but you run into a familiar face.

at long last (one shot)

summary: Thor has mistakes that he’s been longing to fix.

peter parker:

little ballerina (complete)

summary: After The Snap was reversed and the world went back to normal, Natasha Romanov had one request of her team: to infiltrate and destroy the Red Room.

state of emergency (in progress) (possibly discontinued)

summary: A series of one shots showcasing five different, intertwining stories of finding hope in a time of darkness.

natasha romanoff:

she was home (one shot)

summary: Your daughter calls Natasha ‘mommy’ for the first time.

state of emergency (in progress) (possibly discontinued)

summary: A series of one shots showcasing five different, intertwining stories of finding hope in a time of darkness.

have you seen baby? (one shot)

summary: You and your two lovers haven’t gotten to spend much time together.  Also, sex pollen.

sam wilson:

state of emergency (in progress) (possibly discontinued)

summary: A series of one shots showcasing five different, intertwining stories of finding hope in a time of darkness.

where the love light gleams (in progress) (possibly discontinued)

summary: It’s been over six months since you’ve been home, and with Christmas quickly approaching, your parents are putting their foot down.  The only issue is that you’ll have to face your past.

[lexicanons]

You know that meme that’s like “A job will have you, a 21 year old, with a 55 year old bestie” Well, AU where Ilya gets hired at the Treasury Board and quickly becomes besties with David Hollander. They’re really good at their jobs so they finish most of their work by 10:30 am and spend the rest of the day fucking around and pretending to be busy together. They get lunch together and talk shit about their boss. David tells Ilya that he’s throwing a birthday party and asks Ilya to come. “You can meet my son and talk hockey! I think you’ll like him!” Ilya decides to go and the party is in full swing when he arrives. David takes him around, introducing him to people until they make it to David’s son. David introduces him to Shane and Ilya is taken by how beautiful Shane is. He’s admiring Shane’s freckles when it dawns on him that he’s staring at THE Shane Hollander, best hockey player in the league. David told him that his son plays hockey but he never put it together that David’s Shane was THE Shane. Ilya and Shane end up in the far corner of the living room, talking all night as the party goes on around them. Years later at their wedding, during his speech, David admits to throwing the birthday party to hook Ilya and Shane up.

[soulproviderenthusiast25]

I was just thinking about that scene during the Shane Rose era, when Ilya asks Connor to go out and Ilya goes, “We’re in Montreal, we find a fucking club.” And it hits a little differently when you realize Ilya had always been there with Shane whenever they were in Montreal. Without him, Ilya genuinely didn’t know a single club, a single spot, or even where to go.

It’s such a small moment, but somehow it says everything about how much of Montreal was tied to Shane for him.

[lexicanons]

Married Hollanov decided to do an ad campaign together and they chose Peloton to be the first one. They sit down with the Peloton team and they’re throwing out ideas for the commercial when Ilya cuts in with an idea of his own. As Ilya talks, Shane realizes Ilya is describing the night in the gym all those years ago. The Peloton people love it. They’ll need to work in some other aspects but they go with Ilya’s general idea. The commercial comes out and it opens up on a shot of Shane pedaling on the bike. Ilya joins him a moment later, not before running his hand along Shane’s lower back. They pedal hard on their respective bikes. That turns into running on a treadmill which turns into shadow boxing which turns into other exercises to show off all of the Peloton features before they end up on the floor facing each other, sharing a water bottle and smiling at each other as the Peloton label fills the screen. Shane and Ilya watch the commercial and then decide to read the comments:

‘I didn’t know Peloton was a porn company now’

‘So if I get a Peloton I’ll get a hot husband? He’ll just appear beside me?’

‘You ever look at two people and just know they’re freaks?’

‘Did you see how Ilya mouthed ‘more’ to Shane when he was drinking??’

‘The hand on Shane’s back, helping him stretch during the Yoga part, oh I know Ilya tore Shane up after that shoot.’

[literary-claustrophobia]

As soon as Shane realized he was gay, that mf Locked In. He said, we need to get this relationship Sorted, hired a stylist, and showed up to All Stars weekend ready to lock down the best dicking he had ever gotten in his life. And it worked.

[drabbles-and-rambles]

I fully believe that Shane and Ilya cannot agree on an anniversary. Shane says it was the All Stars weekend because that's when he thought they were both 100% serious about the relationship because that's when he was, Ilya says it was the cottage when they said "I love you'' because he didn't believe in it until that moment. They find this out the first year with Shane's anniversary date when Shane plans an elaborate secret date the last night of All Stars and gets Ilya gifts, and Ilya has no idea what its for. They agree to disagree on the date, "We will just celebrate twice a year, I guess." It happens again with their wedding anniversary, Shane says its when they legally got married, Ilya says it was when the twins married them because he doesnt care about about being officially married in the eyes of Canadian law he cares about the first time they said "I do". They find this out when a reporter asks them about their wedding and when they had it and they both gave different answers. Once again they agree to just celebrate twice a year. They say it is because the date doesn't really matter and both of them are right in some way, but in reality it is so they can compete on who plans the more romantic, thoughtful, and elaborate anniversary date. And so that they don't fight about who's planning the date this year or making conflicting plans by accident.

[goth-queen]

[kweerdragon]

Ross duffer did both

[gaynehollander]

I'm a firm believer that Cliff Marleau had to be told that Shane Hollander and Montreal Jane were the same person. I am of the belief that when the Fanmail video leaked, Cliff thought "oh, it must not have worked out with Montreal Jane but my boy bagged Shane fucking Hollander, so it's fine." He does think it's a little funny that both of the people Ilya's been seriously involved with are based in Montreal but he still doesn't put it together.

[mojoscircus]

Shane meticulously tracing each of Ilya’s moles at least once a week under the guise of being cute and in love and just needing skinship, but really he’s making sure nothing has changed or looks abnormal because he will not lose Ilya to melanoma.

Ilya knows what Shane’s doing, but he doesn’t comment because he just feels lucky to finally have someone who loves him and cares enough to make sure he’s healthy.

[loveridden1999]

top 3 hobbies for young adults:

1. borrowing misery from future

2. carrying grief of the past

3. agonizing over the present

[lavenderprose]

Sometimes when Ilya is having a not so great day he sends Shane a dick pic because he knows it will give him a boost of serotonin to see those three dots bounce for an obnoxious amount of time only to get some fuckass response like "Ok" or "You can't send me that without warning" and then Ilya will say "You like?" and Shane will say "Yeah." WITHOUT FAIL. It's their little fucked up version of a kiss on the cheek.

[lavenderprose]

To be clear. Shane's whole thing about Ilya being a Sex God is because of the limerence. Ilya is nineteen and he can get a rhythm going and that's about it. He was throwing shit at the wall when he hit that 'Get on your knees' in Nashville but only he knows that because Shane's brain turned OFF. Ilya said "Let's do a little experiment here" and the results were "Oh my god oh my god oh my god." Shane came hands free because he was that obsessed with the idea of Ilya Rozanov being inside him. Ilya said "Do you like that do you like that" because he's nineteen and he needs the validation and Shane was like "YES YES YES I LIKE IT OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO DEEP YOU'RE SO GOOD" and objectively. It was okay. Ilya fully did not know where to put his hands a couple of times. He forgot about Shane's dick. Luckily, Shane is God's special angel who can come from the idea of Ilya's cockhead being in proximity to his prostate a few times. Mind over matter, says Shane Hollander's dick. And then Ilya said "Oh God Hollander" because it was also, objectively, one of the hottest things that had ever happened to HIM, Ilya Rozanov. Shane sits on that step afterwards plotting about how he's gonna get this over and over and over again for the rest of his life and he has no idea that there are women in Boston who have Ilya listed in their contacts as "Hockey Guy 6/10". Shane Hollander cannot fathom a world in which Ilya Rozanov doesn't lay the maddest pipe this side of Lake Michigan. "Ilya Rozanov is a some kind of nineteen year old sex God" No Shane honey he was just designed in a lab to score goals and make you cum and he's done scoring goals for the night.

[imharnaannesta]

I would say Ilya is probably above average, skills wise, for his age and his secret is that he checks in constantly and takes feedback well.

He’s a high level athlete with an unstable home life who actually cares whether his partner is having a good time. He is extremely sensitive to the signals other people are putting out and he is paying attention. And he’s built a career on some level on being willing and able to repeat a motion over and over until he’s told it’s right and then replicate that consistently. That probably translates pretty well to sex. So Ilya probably has a solid, well-earned reputation as a good sexual partner, but he’s not naturally gifted or super experienced when he first hooks up with Shane.

He’s just actually trying to make sure Shane has a good time.

[eemolu]

i just know there's some twitter user named moyshane out there who's drawing fanart of shane as every single russian word ilya uses as a pet name. it started as a tomato (#moypomidor is viral after shane was mic'd for the first time on the cens) but then they collaborate with a lip reading account who somehow also speaks russian and it's like. bam shane as a toaster shane as a rabbit shane as a wet floor sign (this one is strangely kinky and gets flagged). ilya voice shane good assist my beautiful little chetyrekhlistnyy klever and then two hours later there's a drawing of shane's face in the middle of a four leaf clover doing the rounds on twitter. shane finds out about it and he's so annoyed he's like STOP calling me cereal call me a hockey player or something so they'll draw me as a hockey player and ilya is like shane moya lyubov there are ten thousand drawings of you as a hockey player already. i want to see you as a brontosaurus. and moyshane, god bless their soul, delivers

[eemolu]

the idea that hollander "tamed" rozanov is really funny to shane because like. ilya finds it hot and is always going along with it, yes of course my husband is so sexy why do you think i moved to this boring fucking city. for dick. meanwhile shane knows the truth which is that ilya tamed himself. he herded shane like a sheepdog until he was exactly in the right position for ilya to flop down at his feet and say i love you, i am a one man guy, sleep with other people if you want but you are it for me, so shane is always there like ??? ilya. what are you talking about. i was literally prepared to be a secret slot on your roster for the rest of time without even admitting that i was gay until you decided to have me over make me lunch and say my name while you come like a love confession and ilya goes lyubmiyy. shut up. i was untamable you tamed the untamable and so shane has to be like yes, baby, i worked so hard, i used all my tricks but he's rolling his eyes because ilya wants to be a wolf shane coaxed inside to sleep on the hearth but instead he's a cat who snuck through the window and fell in love with his prey. self domesticated. and this is just one of the many perfect games they play

[lavenderprose]

Things that are ACTUALLY in the Shane Hollander Mic'd Up compilation that we all wish we could watch through the portal:

- "Hey, how was your summer? Good, good."

- "Mic'd up. I'm mic'd up. Don't."

- "Have you ever been to Greece? Told Ilya I would ask you."

- "What? No, man, he didn't say that. He said he was gonna get your ass. Yeah, man, he only fucks one ass. Yeah, I mean, I would say fuck you too but--"

- "Heeeey, davai, davai. Great assist. Hah, no, don't come closer, I'm mic'd and you know I don't trust you."

- "The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal Tiger Towel Paper Towel Power Play. The Royal--"

- "HEY MATHESON. You ever been to Vegas? I said, you ever been to VEGAS? I hear they let the good hockey players go there in the summer but I feel like you wouldn't know that."

- "FUCK. Hey, ref, what the fuck was that? Oh, you didn't see that? Fuck you. No, you stay there, my husband's gonna talk to you--fuck you, put me in the bin then, this is bullshit--"

- "You have the smelling salts? Yeah. FUCK--"

- "I am mic'd. Remember I am mic'd. Nope, not even in Russian."

- "Oh, yeah, the pickle video was funny. Harris said it got a lot of views, so. Yeah, no, he actually really does love pickles that much."

- "Sinclair, you got something to say? Yeah, I'm better at hide the pickle than you are at hockey. You want to ask another stupid question?"

- "You know, I run a charity too. Oh, I just assumed that you were doing some kind of Make-A-Wish thing out here with your wingers, since it looks like this is your first day on the ice."

- "Oh, hey, look. Jackie and the kids are waving at us. Okay. Okay, Rozanov, that's enough."

- "Mic'd. Mic'd. Mic'd."

- "Hello Hockey Night, welcome to my husband's shoulder pads--" "Fuck OFF, Rozanov."

- "Great goal. Great goal. Lyublyu tebya. Yes, baby, you did that."

[my-castles-crumbling]

okay stay with me for this one.

When Ilya moves to the Centaurs he doesn’t get to keep his number. Some old fuck on the team already has it and refuses to trade, no matter how much Ilya bribes him.

so, in true Ilya Rozanov fashion, he picks the number 24. People think he did it to be an asshole, which is true, but he also did it to have Shane with him all the time. Shane was both infuriated and touched by it.

but then of course, years later, SHANE transfers to Ottawa. And lo and behold, the old fuck who had number 81 retired, so when Shane has to choose a number?

81 is available.

so the first day of training, Shane walks into practice in a jersey that says Hollander, 81, with an absolutely shit-eating grin on his face.

and Ilya goes insane.

[lexicanons]

Ilya and Shane bring Svetlana over to the Hollanders’ house when she comes up to Ottawa for a visit. Her and Yuna instantly bond over their love of hockey. David jokingly says they should start a podcast after listening to them talk about hockey all night. ‘The 105ers’ video and audio podcast is born, and it quickly becomes the #1 hockey podcast. Despite the name, they don’t (officially) let Ilya and Shane on the show. This doesn’t stop Ilya from crashing the set and plopping down next to Yuna as her and Svetlana discuss Nashville’s defensive woes. Listeners and views can sometimes hear Shane giving commentary off camera. Scott Hunter is brought on as a guest and you can clearly hear Ilya off camera say, “Mama won’t let me be on the podcast but allows this old man!”