companion of truth

[companionoftruth]

why your exclusionary sikhi does not work.

it's such an irony to me that people who believe themselves to be gursikhs can live in such an anti-gurmat way. now i am by no means an expert on sikhi or gurmat or sikh ithihaas, but i have been fortunate enough to cross paths with those who have shown me true love for each of those things, and shared a bit of their knowledge en route. from them and from my own reading of gurbani, i have come to understand my sikhi as a faith of love. guru nanak started this whole thing by rejecting the idea that any human is superior to another. he rejected the falseness of brahmins who thought the sight of untouchables was poisonous. he laughed at the muslims who approached faith with a 'my way or the highway' attitude. and now here we are, sitting amongst sikhs taking on the same positions, but shielding themselves by self-labeling as gursikhs. just because you have your kakaars in tact, does not mean you are a 'good' sikh. when you refuse to eat from non-amritdhari hands because you think it is toxic your soul, you are that brahmin that guru nanak would rebuke. when you berate others because their practice of faith is different from yours, or when they are at a different point in their personal journey, you are that audacious muslim that guru nanak would reject. when you self-ascribe yourself to be holy, guru-facing, and all knowing, you are the egotistical maniac that guru sahib warns against. and yet you persist. you persist loudly. banging your drums and donning the robe of my beloved. you persist so loudly that you convince me that i, and others like me, are not worthy of this love. you tell me that my sikhi is not mine; that it is far off and belongs to others that are better, wiser, stronger. but that's not what my guru said. he went to the weakest. the down trodden. the forgotten. he ate from the hands of those with love in their hearts and fed those who were hungry. he embraces me. forgives me. guides me. you are nothing. and i refuse to give in to you now. 

[companionoftruth]

my generational trauma

i saw an instagram post by a friend the other day. said something like, 'every person you meet is either a) repeating a cycle of generational trauma or b) carrying the burden of breaking generational cycles.’ it struck me, and it's been in the back of my mind since then. i got to thinking about what types of trauma i'm carrying, or - repressing, day by day in hopes that i can lead a full and healthy life.

i grew up in a pretty standard punjabi household. in many ways, my parents are more progressive than most in my community. but it wasn't always like that - especially not when i was younger. i dealt with the standard stuff.. gendered treatment in the household that enabled my brother to go out with friends much later and at a younger age than i ever would have been able to, high expectations that meant our failures were big and our successes very small, somewhat absent parents consumed with putting food on our table with grandparents that stood in for them. and while i fully recognize the fact of these truths, i never allowed myself to delve into what that meant for my psyche and for the person that i have become. until now.

i realize now that the gendered treatment i suffered -- despite my very loud protests that led to several fights and screaming battles between my dad and i -- probably had larger consequences than i realized. from the very get go, i have been a stubborn minded girl. i would call out differences the second they hit. but what i did not see was that the fact that my brother had the freedom he did, meant that he developed social skills that i did not. i see how comfortable he is with people of all backgrounds, and i wonder why i hesitate when i'm dealing with people of different backgrounds. or why i can't quite relate to them the way he can.  i wonder now, if he learned how to interact with diverse people because he was never forbidden to go hang with his high school friends? i wonder if the fact that my first sleep over with a white friend came when i was a high school senior impacted the way i learned to relate with non-brown people? i wonder if his ability to feel comfortable in any situation, to be himself at all times, stems from the fact that he was empowered to do so. i wonder, if all those years ago, my self-doubts and self-differentiations embedded themselves deep inside of me so much so that i have to confront them on the daily?

another realization came recently, when i saw in myself the extent of my perfectionism and OCD... when i realized that  straying from my perception of perfection triggered intense anger and outbursts in me. i realized that i have long been taught that i am not and will never be enough -- driven only by my loving parents' deep desire to see me succeed. to see their first born become "something"... because that is what all the sacrifice was for. because on my shoulders i carry the weight of their abandoned homes, lost time and delayed happiness. i realize that this deeply implanted belief has stopped me from forming partnerships and friendships - because at the very glimpse of dependency or weakness, i run. i have no time for imperfection and no patience for anyone that might threaten my own perception of perfection, for my life would lose all purpose if i did. i realize that i have adopted my father's attitude - failure of any sort is to be despised, forbidden. and successes to barely be recognized because there is always more to be had. i have adopted this belief, and now thrust it upon others with rage. i lash out because my self-perception is threatened. and that breeds guilt, pouring more trauma on the existing.

i am grateful to my parents. who gave me their everything and their all. they could not do any better than they did and i am forever indebted. but i also recognize their absence in my childhood. the fact that they knew nothing of my reality growing up. the fact that they still know nothing of the trauma i suffered right under their nose. the fact that i was sexually abused as a child, and spent the most part of my childhood training my own self to forget that the moment ever existed and instead focus on something, anything else. it did not happen. it could not happen. perhaps that's why i developed eating disorders at a young age - perhaps it was a way to cope with the trauma that your abuser will always be in your life. and those eating disorders led to distorted body image that led to passing out in the bathroom in 7th grade because i was starving myself to be better. all of this happened and i do not know if my parents were ever aware. because they were putting food on the table and in my mouth. because they had to work non stop to make something of themselves, of me, of us. because they were immigrants in the greatest country on earth.

this is my story. this is my trauma. this is the truth i now recognize. and now continues the work of breaking generational cycles. of moving on. of healing. now continues the work that i will do for the rest of my life. and the prayers that i will pray, that i can teach the generations after me something different. that i can stop myself from inflicting the same on them. 

[humansofnewyork]

“My therapist told me that reading the news was causing my depression.  So I’ve managed to completely avoid it for the past five years.  I used to consume articles for four hours every day.  I’d always read the New York Times front to back, everything except the sports section.  But then the Times caused the Iraq war so I switched over to leftist websites.  I always thought it was my obligation as a responsible citizen to pay attention to bad news.  I guess I was looking for some sort of understanding.  If only I could learn enough, then maybe I could help organize something.  But all of it just sent me into utter despair.  I began to look at other people as brainwashed.  Every time I saw someone having kids, I’d get angry.  Don’t they realize how uninhabitable the planet is going to be?  Everyone thinks if we just make a few changes, we’ll be fine.  We won’t be fine.  The problem is systemic and there’s no movement capable of ending capitalism in time to save the planet.  But anyway, I’m trying not to obsess over this stuff anymore.”

[companionoftruth]

words do not make a poet; 

love does. 

pain does. 

You do.

so when You are not to be found,

what is a poet to do?

for there is no poetry

without You.

[companionoftruth]

company of the Holy.

Saadhhasangath Binaa Bhaao Nehee Oopajai Bhaav Bin Bhagath Nehee Hoe Thaeree ||

Without the Saadh Sangat, the Company of the Holy, love for the Lord does not well up; without this love, Your devotional worship cannot be performed.SGGS: 

By Bhagat Ravidas Ji in Raag Dhanasari (Bgq rivdws jI) on Panna 694

heard this shabad yesterday. found it to be very powerful. all this time since i’ve moved here, i’ve been wondering where “my people” are. you know, the kind that i used to have around me. the kind that could get together for gurbani vichaar followed by game night. the kind that could go out for burgers and a movie and still make you feel connected to the Guru. that was my people. that was my Saadh sangat.

people these days have a thousand varying definitions of what it means to be a “true” or “good” Sikh. i could point you to someone who believes Sikhi is “just on the inside” or another who thinks that eating from a non-amritdhari hand makes you a bad Sikh. i don’t buy any of that. to me, if you consider yourself a Sikh of the Guru - you are. your relationship with your Guru, your journey in bani and bana, is all yours. should you choose to join the Khalsa, you are then accountable to the Panth. i guess one’s saadh sangat isn’t necessarily every one’s? like, if AKJ kirtan drives one to guru sahib and makes the other’s head hurt... doesn’t make them not a good Sikh. just maybe their saadh sangat is elsewhere. 

another shabad comes to mind:

guramukh sakheeaa sikh guroo melaieeaa || The Guru unites His Sikhs, the Gurmukhs, with the Lord.

eik sevak gur paas ik gur kaarai laieeaa ||

The Guru keeps some of them with Himself, and engages others in His Service.

Guru sahib himself has established so many ways for people of varying personalities, mindsets, interests, to come together in his Love. for some its seva, for others kirtan, for others vichaar. for most all, it’s some combination of all. i guess that’s where gurmat and grihast jeevan come in.

anyways, letting thoughts flow and getting back into the habit of writing them down. bhul chuk maaf.

[companionoftruth]

a stranger reminded me today,

of the love i had for You.

she found a letter that i wrote,

she saw that my love was true.

it’s been a while, old friend.

i wonder how You are.

did You miss my words and letters?

did You feel we were apart?

and here i thought it was a natural flow

i thought our bond faded,

i thought i’d have to let You go.

but i realize now how silly i was,

like a forgetful child, lost because

it was me who stopped writing

these love letters to You.

it was me who stopped feeling

Your presence, too.

it was me who let

their lies become the truth,

the ones who told me

i’m not worthy of You.

it was me who went away

and it was You who stayed

You were there all along,

waiting patiently for me to learn

forever steadfast and strong,

arms wide open for my return.

<3

[companionoftruth]

the plight of the brown woman is such that she is expected to forsake her own, adopt another, but never expect herself to be adopted in return.

the plight of the brown woman is that she is secondary, an after thought following her brother in childhood and her husband in marriage.

the plight of the brown woman is that she can achieve the unimaginable but still she is told that she’s “pretty good” for a girl.

the plight of the brown woman is that she is subject to the same judgments her mother in law received, this time by her.

the plight of the brown woman is that she is to accommodate all, but not to be accommodated for herself.

the plight of the brown woman is that all the brown men reading this shaking their head are too guilty of reinforcing the same plight.

the plight of the brown woman is the man who claims not. all. men.

the plight of the brown woman, is you.

[companionoftruth]

how to be happy.

there was a point in life where i truly felt connected. to myself and the universe around me. to the Divine. to my sense of purpose, belonging and identity. a point in time where i truly felt all was right in the world. 

in these moments, however, longing still existed. then, it was for a partner… because that is apparently what we’re all supposed to long for until we find one. don’t lie, you know what i’m talking about. 

now that i have found that perfect partner, i’m realizing that i now actually TRY to find things to long for. it’s almost like that feeling of discontent or longing was actually comfortable. and the idea of existing in happiness without further desire is somehow absurd. 

and boy, is it easy to feel discontent. it is SO easy to find things that piss me off, even if they shouldn’t. am i alone in this? it’s so easy to find people to blame, things to hate, and wrongs in your surroundings. it’s easy to create a picture of perfection in your mind — one that is probably never really attainable — and remain unhappy until you achieve that unachievable state. such an irony the human mind creates. 

i guess i’ve noticed this in myself for a while now. instead of listening to that little voice of reason in my head, though, i choose to go with the ego. the one yelling uncontrollably, “NO YOU CANNOT BE HAPPY YET!”…the one trying to convince me that “I” actually exist and matter and need something more than my very breath and a little nourishment to survive. 

what do i lose if i choose to be happy? what do i lose if i choose not to give in to my emotions at each and every tug? nothing that i don’t want to lose. maybe i’d give up a fight or two with my annoyingly-sane husband? or perhaps i’d learn to find joy in less than ideal circumstances. how rough would that be, amirite? 

if you’re wondering where this sliver of sane thinking and rationale comes from, so am i. i have, for the first time in a long time, had a chance to remove myself from my daily routine and situation and come back to another. in doing so, i’ve watched my thought process and feelings revert to old ones. i’ve watched my ego find things to fight here, too. and i sensed a pattern. if i allow my ego to lead me toward unhappiness regardless of where i am, then when could i ever be happy? the truth is, a “perfect” life either doesn’t exist, or if it does it exists as it is right now. meaning, there will always be something that the ego does not like. but it’s our choice to give in or not. 

  what i’ve realized, is that i’ve been giving in, a lot. much more than i used to and much more than i ever imagined myself to want to. yet, the ego has a way even to convince you that you want to listen to it. it literally brainwashes you to think you want to be brainwashed. that’s some inception-level shit, guys. there have been so many times that i can now recall where i literally ignored myself in favor of my ego. and i felt justified for doing so. but seriously? that makes no sense for someone who recognizes the truth and that the truth is that “I” do not exist! that i am nothing but a collection of dust that will return to the same state. that “I” would be nothing without those who acknowledge “I”.

anyways. this is turning into a bit of a ramble. i guess my point is - i’ve realized what a victim mentality i’ve taken on lately. i’m constantly looking for wrongs and just blinding myself to anything that is not wrong. not only that, but i am limiting my happiness — holding it for another time where things will be better, where i will have what i want. truth is, i’m sure “I” will find something else to want at that time too. so, somehow overcoming this little ego shit for the time being, i resolve to be better. i resolve to check myself before submitting to emotion of the ego. i resolve to be happy. to be grateful for the people i have, the things i have, and most importantly, the love i have and love to give.

TL;DR: how to be happy: tell your ego to shut up, and stop allowing yourself to think you’re not already happy to begin with. duh.

[companionoftruth]

"Hypocrisy"

They weaken the ideology of the most revolutionary thought to grace this world because it makes them uncomfortable. They bend words and create malleable meaning, disgracing the Word in order to make themselves superior. They call themselves Holy, yet cower in superstitious fears of losing that Holiness. Silly fools, Holiness cannot be spoiled with the touch of the “un-Holy”, though it is surely disgraced by their own corruption.

[companionoftruth]

2017

over the last several years, i try to take a moment to reflect on the last journey around the sun & set intentions for the next one. i let go of the idea of ‘resolutions’ some time back, as i think they’re kind of pointless. but i do believe in living in a well-intentioned, goal-driven manner, regardless of the time of year. in any case, the lull after the holiday season is usually nostalgic and exciting enough to inspire reflection in itself.

2017 was a monumental year in my life. i took the vows of the anand karaj with my saint of a husband, judhbir singh, and could not be more in love. since that day (honestly, the first 3 months prior to our wedding seem so irrelevant), i have learned SO much - about my husband, about family, about society & cultural norms, about my desires, about my issues, about my self. people often ask, “how’s married life?”, in such a casual way that there is no way to answer in any other tone. so, the usual response becomes, “great!” with a beaming smile. if i’m feeling especially chatty, i’ll throw in some more basic adjectives - “fun”, “awesome”, etc... and if my conversing partner seems truly interested, i might throw in a little anecdote or two to keep them happy.

what is rarely discussed, though, is the magnitude of change and self-awareness that one experiences in the first year of marriage. or maybe it’s not just in the first year... that’s really all i can speak to for now though. for someone like me - a woman who considers herself fiercely independent, learned & intelligent, and stubbornly self righteous (for better & worse tbh) - marriage is a huge wake up call. i have been pushed out of all comfort zones, forced to forge a path between my own beliefs and desires and that of my partner’s, and even more so, that of both of our families and their expectations. it is not all rainbows & sunshine, my friends. most. definitely. not.

don’t get me wrong - we have experienced love on a whole new level. we have felt pure joy, longing, love. we have laughed together day in and day out, through tickle attacks and nightly cuddles. through lunch-time hugs and evenings out. we have felt safe. protected. never alone. we have been so, so happy.

and yet, during the same time, i have learned of my own insecurities, and the role they play in my ability to form and nurture relationships. i have learned of the walls that i have built, forged to block painful memories and experiences. i have learned of the rage i harbor within and the negativity that i had carried toward myself, which i so hurtfully project on those who love me. all of the crap is out of the bag, and so begins the work of cleaning it all out.

i called my husband a saint in the beginning of the post. and i will continue to do so for the rest of my life. what he doesn’t know (does he?) is how much i admire him. where lie my worst faults, lie his greatest virtues. greatest of all have been his patience and ability to remove himself from emotion in order to truly understand and empathize. he has truly been the most solid partner i could ask for - always trying to feel what i feel and do whatever he could to make me feel at home in his home. to make his home, my home.

hopefully he has found some value in me as well. i hope that he, too, finds strength in me where he finds weakness in himself. and i hope that such continues throughout the remainder of our breaths, so that we may learn, and grow, and thrive, and flourish. so that our souls may merge as we vowed together on march 18, 2017, to complete each other as whole beings. 

such has been the year of 2017. ups and downs - lots of laughs and lots of fights, too. lots of new memories made. to name a few (aside from the wedding): 

a. our honeymoon in bali, indonesia - what a beautiful place & unbelievable experience

b. an April full of vaisakhi celebrations in surrey - what a new experience and whole new exposure to “western” (not really) punjabi culture 

c. summer in BC, full of evening volleyball matches & weekend hikes and road trips - so, so many memories made and new friendships forged.

d. lots of trips to california, where my heart has always sung, filled with deep work, new roles and challenges. always important for my inner being :)

e. my best friend’s huge blowout wedding where he wed his most perfect match (if i think of this too much, i’ll cry again) - shoutout #HasJag <3 

f. my little cousin’s awesome wedding in KANSAS of all places, where he married his beautiful bride & my new bhabi - shoutout #HarMin17 <3

f. my other best friend’s engagement to the most awesome dude in the world! shoutout #priDeepInLove <3 

g. beautiful holiday time with family - warmth & love.

as i recount these times, i realize the extent of how blessed we truly are. to have and hold those who love us so close, and to love dearly in return. to have within arms reach, anything that we could wish for. to have faith, strong faith, and love for the universe. thankful for guru’s kirpa and looking forward to the times to come.

[companionoftruth]

what used to be.

she put pen to paper having felt it - a pull from beyond. divine intervention. flow. but,  now it felt unfamiliar. fleeting. malnourished. that pull, which first assured her of His existence, was now  faint, and painful. still, she longed for it. as once you have felt you cannot un-feel.

so,  despite herself or perhaps, because of her Self, she put pen to paper once again.

[companionoftruth]

the Self.

there’s a constant battle in human life - that between ego and self. i’ve explored and written on this several times, whenever the thoughts came. lately, i feel like i’m losing this battle on both ends. i’m unable to control my ego. she longs to be nurtured and fed. she longs for affirmation, and controls my mind through cunning thoughts that she has convinced me are mine, not hers.  and on the side of the Self, i fear i have stopped listening. the Self that directs me to let go, to practice truth and compassion - the Self that led me to follow my heart. the Self that encourages me to live in the now and fret not about the past nor the future. that Self i have begun to ignore in favor of the ego. so now, she fills me with rage, jealousy and anxiety. she does not let me rest, constantly in a state of duality. i crumble beneath her, setting fire to my Self and the loved ones around me. 

i write today to bring awareness to my Self and to set away from the ego. i pray to the Self, who knows that nothing comes from ego. the Self that guides me to live in the confines of Divine Command. that Self is who i ought to nurture. the Self who brought me to where i am today, that guides me to practice relentless love and vulnerable empathy. the Self that is in itself a form of perfection, without fear and without hate. that Self is what i crave. that Self is what i need. 

and the Self tells me- live in the now. love truly and trust in your heart. limit your worries as all will fall into perfection as it always has. let go. live. exist. and you shall be vibrant, joyous and whole. breathe.

[companionoftruth]

how is it that you always manage to see the me within me. the me that i strive to be? the me that is better than me. you see the best of me. the me that is kind, soft, and true. the me that i have forgotten in my own obsession with me...

[mysharona1987]

[companionoftruth]

be still, my heart. and do not waver. know that  your love is true. that it is what led you here. and that it is what will lead you where you wish to go. trust, my heart, in the depth of your love. know that it is whole and wholesome. it is full, and fulfilling. be quiet, my heart, so that you may hear the blossoming of contentment within you. be still, my heart...

[companionoftruth]

a blank nostalgia

do you ever miss... someone, or something, without knowing what or who it is? a blank nostialgia, an emptiness inside you longing for an unknown. 

[companionoftruth]

i got it from my pops.

many times, i don’t realize how blessed i am… and i surely don’t give enough credit to my parents for all that they’ve taught me. the older i get, though, and the more life experience i accumulate, the more i am able to learn & reflect. while it’s easy to focus on the silly quirks and annoying habits of your closest, it’s much more worthwhile to examine their virtues. especially those that they’ve endowed upon you. so, this one’s for you, pops.

my father is one of a kind. here are the 5 most important things he’s taught me.

the two most important things in life are 1) sikhi and 2) education. if you esteem these two things in the highest regard, you will be successful in life. my dad’s always said this to me.. and i always chuckled back with a “yeah, yeah”. but damn, it’s true. had he not pushed me to pursue education fiercely, i would not be the person i am today. thank you, dad.

be the best. push yourself to achieve beyond others because you can. think ahead. learn ahead. as annoying as this message was for me as a kid growing up, it has instilled in me the confidence i need to be a natural leader and step up - professionally and personally. thank you, dad.

as a female, i am no less than my male counterparts. i have the same ability and same ambition as my brother, if not more. i did not need to aspire to marriage. i need to aspire to greatness and learn to balance a full, well-rounded life. this one deserves a standing ovation - dad, you have made me the strong, independent, self-sufficient woman i am today. thank you, dad.

wealth is something to be built over time and saving is important, as it will set you up for a worry free life. this is not to say that money supersedes any other aspect of life… but that it is an important, worthwhile cause to earn more, and save more. for all of the clipping of coupons and shortcuts that i saw him use growing up, i have been able to live a worry-free life. i got to attend the school of my dreams, have the wedding of my dreams, and never had to worry about not having enough. this happened only because of the sacrifices he made earlier on in life. thank you, dad.

it’s okay to be scared. i don’t think he knows he taught me this one... but the fact that my father has been through so much and is still able to admit when he is afraid (though it’s usually after-the-fact), tells me that it’s okay to be human. even the best of us are. and though it breaks my heart to ever see my dad in a weak position, it strengthens my soul to know that he, too, feels afraid - but always overcomes that fear. thank you, dad.

happy (early) father’s day. ❤️