over the last several years, i try to take a moment to reflect on the last journey around the sun & set intentions for the next one. i let go of the idea of ‘resolutions’ some time back, as i think they’re kind of pointless. but i do believe in living in a well-intentioned, goal-driven manner, regardless of the time of year. in any case, the lull after the holiday season is usually nostalgic and exciting enough to inspire reflection in itself.
2017 was a monumental year in my life. i took the vows of the anand karaj with my saint of a husband, judhbir singh, and could not be more in love. since that day (honestly, the first 3 months prior to our wedding seem so irrelevant), i have learned SO much - about my husband, about family, about society & cultural norms, about my desires, about my issues, about my self. people often ask, “how’s married life?”, in such a casual way that there is no way to answer in any other tone. so, the usual response becomes, “great!” with a beaming smile. if i’m feeling especially chatty, i’ll throw in some more basic adjectives - “fun”, “awesome”, etc... and if my conversing partner seems truly interested, i might throw in a little anecdote or two to keep them happy.
what is rarely discussed, though, is the magnitude of change and self-awareness that one experiences in the first year of marriage. or maybe it’s not just in the first year... that’s really all i can speak to for now though. for someone like me - a woman who considers herself fiercely independent, learned & intelligent, and stubbornly self righteous (for better & worse tbh) - marriage is a huge wake up call. i have been pushed out of all comfort zones, forced to forge a path between my own beliefs and desires and that of my partner’s, and even more so, that of both of our families and their expectations. it is not all rainbows & sunshine, my friends. most. definitely. not.
don’t get me wrong - we have experienced love on a whole new level. we have felt pure joy, longing, love. we have laughed together day in and day out, through tickle attacks and nightly cuddles. through lunch-time hugs and evenings out. we have felt safe. protected. never alone. we have been so, so happy.
and yet, during the same time, i have learned of my own insecurities, and the role they play in my ability to form and nurture relationships. i have learned of the walls that i have built, forged to block painful memories and experiences. i have learned of the rage i harbor within and the negativity that i had carried toward myself, which i so hurtfully project on those who love me. all of the crap is out of the bag, and so begins the work of cleaning it all out.
i called my husband a saint in the beginning of the post. and i will continue to do so for the rest of my life. what he doesn’t know (does he?) is how much i admire him. where lie my worst faults, lie his greatest virtues. greatest of all have been his patience and ability to remove himself from emotion in order to truly understand and empathize. he has truly been the most solid partner i could ask for - always trying to feel what i feel and do whatever he could to make me feel at home in his home. to make his home, my home.
hopefully he has found some value in me as well. i hope that he, too, finds strength in me where he finds weakness in himself. and i hope that such continues throughout the remainder of our breaths, so that we may learn, and grow, and thrive, and flourish. so that our souls may merge as we vowed together on march 18, 2017, to complete each other as whole beings.
such has been the year of 2017. ups and downs - lots of laughs and lots of fights, too. lots of new memories made. to name a few (aside from the wedding):
a. our honeymoon in bali, indonesia - what a beautiful place & unbelievable experience
b. an April full of vaisakhi celebrations in surrey - what a new experience and whole new exposure to “western” (not really) punjabi culture
c. summer in BC, full of evening volleyball matches & weekend hikes and road trips - so, so many memories made and new friendships forged.
d. lots of trips to california, where my heart has always sung, filled with deep work, new roles and challenges. always important for my inner being :)
e. my best friend’s huge blowout wedding where he wed his most perfect match (if i think of this too much, i’ll cry again) - shoutout #HasJag <3
f. my little cousin’s awesome wedding in KANSAS of all places, where he married his beautiful bride & my new bhabi - shoutout #HarMin17 <3
f. my other best friend’s engagement to the most awesome dude in the world! shoutout #priDeepInLove <3
g. beautiful holiday time with family - warmth & love.
as i recount these times, i realize the extent of how blessed we truly are. to have and hold those who love us so close, and to love dearly in return. to have within arms reach, anything that we could wish for. to have faith, strong faith, and love for the universe. thankful for guru’s kirpa and looking forward to the times to come.