Hello, I am not dead. It has been actual literal years since I have used any function on social media, and in some cases actual years since I’ve contacted you – so this may seem a little strange. We’re all in this together, it’s weird for me too. I’m here to explain myself and hopefully open up the dark and abandoned highway of communication once again. You’ll just have to be patient with me.
It has always been apparent that communication/socialization (along with so many other things) is harder for me than some around me, but I’d chalked it up to being a minor character flaw. As years have passed this has proven to be a lot more than minor. I don’t have any answers yet, and without going into personal details what I can tell you is that any version of socialization is massively exhausting for me. It takes days to gear up for a single phone call. So any of you who have stuck around, I appreciate your patience. It may be through gritted teeth, and I may not deserve it – but I am incredibly grateful for you.
There’s no way to make up for my absence, but I hope what anyone can take away from this is that it’s not personal. If you haven’t heard of the “spoon theory”, the long story short is that everyone starts their day with different amount of spoons. You might start with 10, I only get 5. Tasks throughout the day from personal hygiene to work cost spoons. A “normal” person might make it through the day with a few spoons leftover, whereas I may run out of my spoons by noon. I highly recommend you take the time to look it up and hear about it from someone with more spoons available for that – but I have only enough spoons to provide you with another analogy. It’s going to invoke your inner 5 year old, and you’re welcome to laugh – but I don’t have a better explanation for what I’m experiencing right now.
All of the people or relationships in my life are like balls: Some are big and heavy, some are small and bounce, some roll like marbles. So I have to make sure I take care of my big balls and hang onto those (mom, dad, boyfriend), and around that strategically place some smaller – but still heavy balls (people I have to interact with regularly like coworkers and customers). Mind you, my arms are already pretty full, but we have to make room for friends that we don’t work with. These are going to be small to medium balls that vary from bouncy to solid. I am now full to the brim with no room for extras. When I try to walk and move around, balls begin to shift and fall. Sometimes it’s a friend with good bounce, and they’re waiting for me when I have an arm to outstretch and grab them again. Other times it’s a marble friend that has rolled away, and it takes crawling on my hands and knees while aimlessly sweeping under a couch to find them and bring them back. On occasion I don’t have the energy to find some marble friends. You might also notice that there was no mention of extended family, and they deserve time too. So I will confidently assess the situation and try to rearrange my balls as best I can to pick up a Grandparent or two, and I drop a few more. The big balls aren’t always safe. The bouncy balls aren’t always prioritized. It feels like everyone else’s social wiring came with a basket for efficient ball carrying, and I did not get a basket for my balls. And I would swear that there are some extroverts who have 3 or more baskets. If you have a spare basket – help a sister out.
For almost 7 years I was drowning. (Real hard to tread water and carry balls at the same time in case you were wondering.) I am not drowning anymore. I am not dead. But I have come back as an alien, and it frequently feels like I don’t know how to talk to people anymore. I have missed all of your birthdays, all of your graduations, new marriages, and new babies. It’s not your fault, and I’m so sorry. There’s just so many of you. If you haven’t heard from me, I still love you. I’m trying to do better. Just know you’re not alone, and we can work on getting a Caitlin Abandonment Support Group together if that will help.
Thank you for your patience
I will do better – but please do not dispose of your patience at this point in the program
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