[zedogica]

having a body made of meat sucks ass

[engygeron-deactivated20260524]

we're not made of meat! and we'll always be with you

[zedogica]

kill dorothy fuck the lion marry the tin man and i dont care about the other one

[megatron]

You stole damn daniel blood

[memorycycle]

in the year 2040, scientists found strange empty pods floating in space dated from long before they shouldve been able to exist

in the year 500,000,000,000,000 when almost nothing was left, the ants finally managed to send a pod of eggs back in time to preserve themselves

[blemgoid]

orange you glad i didnt say energy weapons

[blemgoid]

knock knock

whos there

its the police ma'am, your son was just killed by energy weapons

[mangonetics]

I apologize for calling your dog "mustard gravybait"

[vedurnan]

today at work i rung up a customer and the total was 12.30 and i said “12:30, reminds me of a clock :)” and they kind of smiled at me with confusion and i was like “like the time on a clock, just reminds me of it… 12:30” and they said “i have no idea what you’re talking about…” with an expression of supreme pity and gentleness. after that was finished i turned to my coworker next to me and said “i just bombed so hard with this clock comment” and then realized the customer hadn’t moved and was still standing right next to me. if my fate continues down this path, the customer will probably read this tumblr post as well

[contemptible-scoundrel]

I'm in your girls apartment inventing new viruses for dogs

[complexkomainu]

sneezes badly

[contemptible-scoundrel]

a virus that plagues even solid stone...!

[divorce-enjoyer]

ice water is awesome because you get more water in your water

[divorce-enjoyer]

you think youre out of water but then you check back in five minutes and woah! theres more water! the world is so beautiful

[dragongirlsnout]

dude you can't hate me just because my pussy secretes a rich and viscous royal jelly that enthralled your girlfriend. get over it already

[orcboxer]

autism tests are so funny. I'm extremely literal most of the time, but people don't tell me that generally, so I'm inclined to answer disagree. because I'm taking the statement too literally

[peopleingishard]

^not my post but same sentiment

[pukicho]

Sometimes my dad likes to put little pills in my food. And in those pills is more of the food.

[pukicho]

[cykelops]

I have had a lot of evil people say to me that nothing taste as good as skinny feels and every time im like no im pretty sure food tastes really super good actually

[pjackk]

Nobody gives a fuck about anyone when youre in whenyoure in new york city

[dickstolebyanalien]

Somebody Save Me!

[factbot]

Jesus once fought a quail and lost

[3000s]

after 2 years working outdoors all day i finally got stung by an onion for the first time yesterday and i wasnt even doing anything there wasnt even a nest nearby

[3000s]

a wasp. i was looking at a onion just now sorry