Refusing To Go Hollow

The honest truths of an avid INFJ gamer who constantly dives into battle with a lack of direction but determination to win. I stream games on Twitch as a variety caster to constantly test this determination live.

[quoteastic]

I'm damaged as fuck, but I'll never hurt anyone the same way I've been hurt.

[kidmachinate]

Primed For Success

There's strange behavior involved when things go someone's way and how very happy they are. Fast forward to when things suddenly aren't in their favor and the mood shifts. Every now and then, sure. We're human. If it becomes a pattern, it comes off like a child not getting their way. It's not attractive. Knock that shit off.

Let me give an excellent example. I have major respect for caregivers. There's sacrifice by default and they still need to handle their own business. Most of the time while shrugging off issues that may affect them? Why? It's the mission. How can you give proper care if you don't have your own shit together. Frankly, even if you don't, to fulfill your duty you've got to step it up to the plate.

Not everyone has that extra responsibility, however, there's no room for playing the victim when you have someone else's life at stake. You can't just run over and over again. Time doesn't stop and life will eventually catch up with you and/or you'll eventually lose the ones close and wonder what could I have done different? I never want to live with that guilt. Depression/Anxiety kicks in others ways. I give myself enough crap. I don't want it to be for failing to do something as simple as showing up. It's the bare minimum and sometimes all someone needs, especially during a time of health concerns.

I feel like this had more focus when I started this rant but life is too damn short. I do wish our days offered more time to do that much more but we all have the same 24 hours to work with and with an assumed 8 hours of sleep and 8 more for work, that's 8 a day on weekdays. 8 hours goes quick. We get 16 two days a week. How many lives can you touch while allowing yourself to be around the right people to lift you up when you yourself might not be able to? You can do these things in person or even behind a screen. You just have to show genuine compassion. Bare minimum is expected, but sometimes requires just a little more or channeling what you see from others who strive to achieve.

All of this aside, I'm fighting. My health has been a huge question mark for the better part of this year. I'm pushing and fighting through it…and I may very well need a tonsillectomy. I have to start accepting this very real possibility. I have to accept I'll be down for some time and give myself some grace. I have to accept that some people may not care that I'm down and expect the same things from me. I can and will not give them. I have to accept that some will show up for me and I'm grateful in advance for those if it comes to that. I'm grateful to my work in full support of all this. We have a plan. I respect that. I'll have to slow down from time to time and when I emerge from all this…well…stronger than ever, right? I've had a lot of time to observe behavior during this time. Even my own. Juggling all this, I've progressed at work to reach my year anniversary and a good conversation for annual raise to go with. Kept the house in order. Managed to carve fun times with Amber. Non-stop but knowing when to stop as well. I am going to try and give things a bit more time to hopefully heal. My last few days have been better than the last couple weeks but still bad if I push myself a bit too much. It sucks because outside of talking during my job there are much better things I'd rather use my voice for. I suppose online can fill those gaps if it gets to be too much to bear.

“Make it make sense”

This quote gets used so much at my work for some of the more confusing aspects of things, but it's a real life mantra as well. If it isn't making sense for you, it may just have to go. Shocker right? Fend for yourself. Self-advocating. Fight the good fight. We need that constant reminder though. This is quite the vulnerable moment for me, surgery or not…but at this stage of the game we are leaning more towards yes than no. I don't ask for support. I'm pretty self sufficient but it's nice to know I have support in person or through the internet when I need it. Assuming my near future of extended recovery, my next posts on here will be documenting the journey.

[lonelyrocketboy]

I’m alone… and I have been alone…

Most probably I’ll be alone because…

I’ll have… to be alone…

[sleepingxawake]

Been uploading all my older albums as full mixes to YouTube!

Fall & Closure was a very emotional album for me, having moved back across states from a broken relationship that left me spiraling. Wouldn't be the first time or the last. But this album is something that I hold very close to my heart. I hope some of the sounds are relatable and whatever you're going through, you'll get through. I promise.

This is also the first album where I had started to structure somewhat of a short story that helped me through and formed more of what the Rogues would turn into later in terms of a cyberpunk story.

[kidmachinate]

The Fading of Interest or Common Ground

One shall stand, one shall fall. You always have the one that stands firm in their belief and the opposition. You could fold, but it would feel right would it? Maybe there's a time it did. It was the easier route. It just made sense. In time, you come to realize, it only took away from what you could be doing. Or could very well take away from who you are even as a person.

As we grow, we change. We can live the same memories and expect it to go the same way if people no longer share the same interests. This is perfectly okay but you'd be amazed with the reactions you can get from someone who seems passive aggressive over your "disappointing answer" or it is what it is. Sometimes, that's just life. It's easy to coast through life where everything simply is what it is...but what does that even mean? When you find yourself saying that, does it actually have to be that way? Even if the answer you come to is yes, have you considered seeking other options? Something doesn't simply have to be what it is ever. You can make a different choice.

In attempts to play fair or establish justice, someone will always disagree. You can't please everyone. Heck, you can't even always please yourself. Are you sacrificing your time and pleasure constantly in favor of keeping the peace? It's worth evaluating. If you're saying it is what it is too often, you may need to seek other options to make you feel fulfilled. It's simple in theory but putting it into practice requires growth. It's nice to be kind, helpful, and supportive. You can't help everyone however and if you drain your life force, you've got nothing to offer. Offer sparingly and with intent. It's okay to say no to the rest. The reaction to that no will tell you everything you need to know moving forward. Will they hear you out or continue to bring problems and/or wallow in self pity? Two different outcomes. I know which one I favor and it's okay for you to start doing so too. You too deserve the greatness you put out.

[kidmachinate]

The Mixed Dance of Trust

The last post I made on here was to do a healthy release of my feelings at the time about a scenario in which I was humbled by a scenario where I thought I was doing the morally right thing but there are select scenarios where that doesn't get you results you may be looking for. Further complications happen when you are doing said morally right thing for someone that can't be trusted themselves as it all seems. It's the kind of scenario that makes you think. Who can I trust? The post referenced here isn't public and much longer as I was processing all the complexities of the situation, so the abridged provided here is the perfect start.

We can save a bunch of time in saying that you simply cannot and will not trust everyone. I think at least to some degree that humans are inherently selfish. How far one takes this, changes based on a variety of factors. You can dance with someone one day and know damn well you can't trust them the next. You can share kind words knowing they are gonna show their bad traits again the very next day. If you don't feel good around someone, keep us calm and collected. Then move on. No attachment. Gotta reserve attachment for those that care about you. Care about layers. Make efforts for things to feel more balanced. If you picked up the weight one day, the next day someone else does. Many more will simply watch. You can have a good time with a colleague or even enemy if forced to, but when reality kicks back in, know your own path and goals.

Life truly is one big dance. You can even do it drunk if you'd like. Reality however will kick back in eventually. Are you dancing along with the crowd or to the beat of your own drum? Some keep dancing and wish for the party to never end. Beware of those people. They don't seek to be in reality but will have no problem making hell out of yours. Not all who dance with you should be invited to the table.

[kidmachinate]

Perfectly Woke, Gloves Off

(Think I've used this pic before. It still works. No regrets. Art from Ministry - Amerikkkant)

Having to live in fear is the absolute worst. Outside of paying the bills, which of course now is harder than ever, we have mass division and deportation efforts that are completely unchecked. People being taken from their livelihoods & families through unjust acts and "administrative errors". The only error was voting this man and company into office. We've normalized weaponized religion, and unfortunately I've dealt with it now front and center. Easiest burned bridge of my life. Makes me better prepared for other religious zealots out there. It's not a stretch. We're absolutely combining religion and politics currently. Funny…two of three topics I've never been a fan of but we can't afford to not be aware at least to some extent as it currently stands.

I don't care for Elizabeth Warren as I feel she is inconsistent in her stances in the Democratic space. What did however is present a case against the current administration in mentioning the first 100 days, 100 ways he betrayed the country instead. Kudos for that at least. We need more like AOC/Bernie but OMG Socialism. How dare we, right? Instead we choose bigotry, racism, authoritarianism. All the bad you can think of. In nerdy terms, “The Empire” is real.

I find myself falling into cycles I've seen others fall into politically. It's too real and actually a problem this time and while I'm still trying to do so alongside being informed for a healthy balance…it's exhausting. I'm focusing on all I can. Typical life, stay in your lane, and control what you can control…knowing from time to time the claws may have to come out. We can't sit idly by with all this nonsense out there. I basically “don't exist” according to this regime because how do you explain you're straight but technically part of the LGBTQIA+ community because I'm demisexual. That's would make me an “abomination of christ” and that without even saying that I'm technically Puerto Rican. I just don't embrace it a whole lot. I best keep it that way or else I could get deported.

I said a lot of this in jest the last time we tried with Trump and it's worse this time around. There's just no hiding it anymore and the fact that I'm even willing to have conversations with people on the other side with all at stake, I dunno…maybe that say something about me. Some with a heart realize how much they messed up. Same with non-voters. However, people are individuals and this election was in part going to be bought into regardless of who did what anyway. I have to have some level of human decency or else I'm no different that the hate out there. Radical left/woke being put out there as if it is a bad thing. Rather be there than the radical right but I digress because I'm not that kind of person. However, there are boundaries and we need them now more than ever. If you find yourself attacked physically or mentally, don't back down. If you see it happening to someone else, also don't back down. Be the ally that aren't cis-white males need. Be the listening ear when someone feels alone. I have zero clue how we'll get through this…but unless WWIII happens, we will. That and giving a crap enough to not let our justice system continue to do not enough to make sure this clown doesn't get a third term…because he will sure as shit try.

Tariffs are the easy topic, so I'm not gonna spend the time there. Just yet another way expenses are going to increase. Short of running into some of these extreme versions of people clearly out there to hate/shun people that aren't like them, we need to start embracing connection and dare I say even forgive people. This is provided it wasn't a scenario that crosses a personal boundary with you, or something communication could potentially solve. Misunderstood or even an out of character outburst is not the same as someone inherently evil in thought/actions. The game has changed and from time to time, depending on what we face, we may also have to change to stand against the hate. It's unfortunate but it is where we are at. There's several things we can debate and even flat out disagree on, but the insurrection on the capital was a crime, actual criminals shouldn't have been pardoned, and yes Trump did lose the last election. 

Facts over fiction. Stand your ground. Live your best life. Be an ally in tough times. Tell someone you love them tonight. It's lonely out there.

[kidmachinate]

Times of Obscurity

Yeah…you can take a good guess given current times in the gaming space what this post is gonna be about. One topic is obvious and the other perhaps not so much.

The current gaming space is as fickle as it has always been which speaks to my current decision making predicament. On one hand, I want value in gaming. Current value comes big time in a game called Clair Obscur: Expedition 33. A turn based RPG with some surprises to enhance the combat without being considered real-time combat. It's got an engaging story. No it was not “made by thirty people”, but the main studio that is Sandfall Interactive deserves all the credit for all they were able to do, alongside the help they got to make this all come together. The music seems like AAA standards from a AA studio. It takes cues from older JRPGS combined with Western influence and photo realistic characters. A great voice cast. The only “bad” thing is the potential roadblock on parry/dodge timings. Take a good look at Metactitic though and people seem to mostly have no issue “gitting gud” and being up to the challenge. If I talk about things past a surface level, not only will this post be a very long one, but it also will take away from the many surprises throughout the story from the very beginning. The second topic is also well known across the gaming space at this time.

On the other hand, we have what I've seen as value for years, and it is starting to be questionable at best. Chances are high there is a Switch 2 in my future. A combination of financial miracles, a work bonus (plus this month being a three paycheck month), and going against my better judgement, I am making the plunge into Nintendo's new ecosystem. Yes, tariffs made the console more than many of us would have liked. I also don't think that's the whole story either and just and easy thing for Nintendo to hide behind to justify raising prices. Companies are gonna be companies. Someone had to be bold and show with their actions they "don't make enough money" so here here are. With what the Nintendo Switch 2 offers, I'm honestly okay with it. It's the game prices that are the bigger problem…and yes, they started the trend that now Microsoft is following, and the “NextBox” isn't even out yet. Nintendo is also going more digital in a similar fashion to what Microsoft did years ago. Physical media is taking a huge hit between the Virtual Cart system, and many games coming with a code and a cartridge that doesn't have the full game on it. Some may not have a cartridge at all. No discount for digital by the way. Launch day has Mario Kart World. We have to wait for Donkey Kong Bananza which will be the debatable bigger game and is $70 instead of $80. Not sure the logic there. I felt this same way when I got the Wii years ago, but we at least knew about Super Smash Bros Brawl coming down the line. A lot of the Switch 2 future is a mystery and/or upgrades to Switch 1 games. By the way, they cost $10-$20 more for upgrades, or a full $80 for the Switch 2 versions if you never bought the game previously. Also, you know, because we have to mention tariffs again, if you want any accessories, all of them are $5-10 more. Because I see how this all may come off, I am cautiously optimistic…and much like every Pokemon game to come out on the original Switch, I think that is a perfectly valid stance to have. There's a lot of price uncertainty and the biggest drawback for me? No Hall Effect joysticks! Guess stick drift will be coming into a other gaming generation, even though we have the solution to the problem. I will not be getting a Switch 2 Pro Controller. The old one will work on it. It will be fine. Of course I got the bundle with Mario Kart. Rather have a $50 Mario Kart vs a $80 one…which people are forced into by the way after they cut off the bundle entirely in the Fall. Total FOMO to increase sales.

You could say I'm painting Nintendo as the villain. If the shoe fits, it fits…and someone had to push the price barrier. Just didn't expect it from the company that has almost always been a safe bet. What a shame…shame on me that is, because the lack of transparency was there since the Nintendo Direct reveal. We had to wait for the site to go live to even get the price at all, and scroll to the bottom of the Mario Kart World page to see the retail price. This is a different Nintendo, whether the Switch 2 is successful or not. The good thing is if it does, last time a failure happened, we got the Switch. I don't however expect Switch 2 to fail…even with a shaky future. Nintendo isn't going anywhere or “failing” for the thousandth time people want to make that claim. 

With all that said, I'm aware I'm contributing to "the problem" by investing further into gaming, but it isn't going anywhere, and I'm still highly curious. I'll find myself being less curious or focusing more on backlogs, especially early in the Switch 2 lifecycle, but yeah. Even if Somy were to drop Bloodborne Remastered or a sequel on the PlayStation 6, I'd probably opt out. I don't want to pay quadruple digits for a console. I just don't. I refuse. I don't do it with phones, I won't do it here either. What Microsoft might be doing is interesting for next-gen, but not interesting enough for me to consider the overall price of things. I can't say I'm opting out from gaming but I decided a while back, before the cautious optimism, that all I need moving forward is my PC, and the next Nintendo console. All this price raising news solidified this choice for me. There will be fun to be had but enough is enough. Things will eventually come to PC from the other consoles and for the Nintendo exclusives, I'll be ready. If Switch 2 ends up being the "wrong" choice, I've done this before with the Wii U and a PS3.

We're entering a gaming generation in which we are gonna be priced out entirely or have some tough choices to make. For all the tough choices there will be, I am almost certain of two things. Nintendo will eventually put out first party bangers to enjoy thoroughly. For everything else within the gaming space, it is thinking with intent, waiting for sales, or mostly sticking to AA/Indie titles. The smaller scale games are an easy way to stick it to the giants of the industry by voting with your wallet, get a better experience, and likely pay less than now your common $80 - $100 for your Standard/Deluxe games, digital or physical. If the players had any power, they sure have a lot less of it now, unless we're smarter about our choices. Whether we want to or not, many of us will have to be…if we can even partake at all.

[just-a-life-in-moments-deactiva]

When Life Felt Like Home

The most beautiful thing in life is often that we don’t even realize when we’re right in the middle of the good times. You don’t know it’s the last time all your friends will be in the same place. You don’t notice when you’re sitting in your childhood room for the last time - or how much you’ll miss that feeling. That “this was my life before everything changed.” Because in that moment, it all just feels normal, everyday life - so familiar that you barely notice it. Until it’s suddenly over. And then it’s those small, quiet moments you long for the most. A night drive, shared laughter, the silence that felt like home - not like loneliness. Take photos, even if the moment seems ordinary. And maybe - just maybe you’ll realize, right then and there, that you’re in the middle of something special.

[kidmachinate]

The Crossroads

It might be alright after all. In some brief moments of clarity, I've come to realize a few things due to some recent events between the two places I spend most of my living hours in. In trying to help everyone and be a middle man of sorts, try as you might to view all sides, suddenly you're dishonest or disloyal to someone. No way you can keep all parties happy, so someone gets mad, and thinks you sold them out for being honest...meanwhile you're doing your best to be the peacekeeper. The problem? Not all parties are being entirely honest with you to begin with. In these scenarios, best to just keep to yourself. Not everyone needs full transparency from you and sure as heck not full access to you as a person either. Asking for help is something we all do at one point or another and family traditions that tell you to just suck it up is outdated at the least and downright shit advice at the worst. There's also friends. Friends in which case, at times, might as well be family. Like I've said in other times, you miss all the shots you don't take. Among the despair from the last entry here, I'm still plotting towards a better path and it seems more possible due to the power of the internet. Ran into some financial trouble and some kind people are softening the blow. Resentment is a funny thing sometimes. How on earth can a person resent someone for a possession, but then actively seek to use said possession whenever possible? Talk about a double standard. You hate your friend for a having a home but ask more nights than not to stay over because you need a place to sleep? All of these are not great realizations...but there is peace in the middle path. Not all roads are created equal. I rather try to cross an unfinished road however, than try and cross one doomed to crumble.

[kidmachinate]

It Won't Be Alright

My thoughts have to go somewhere so might as well be here, right? It's "public" but not on the scale I want it to be, at least not right now, and I forgot my notepad at home.

I find myself in a position I'm in consistently in which I am alone with my own thoughts wondering a few different things. Why do I continue to try to get people to see things they just won't see. Mindset accomplishes thing money cannot. You can be rich as hell but with no motivation, you're not even gonna have the incentive to simply pay someone to do stuff for you. It just won't get done. Deep depression. I say quite a bit it's okay to not be okay. Does this however mean everyone else around you should also not be okay? Obviously not but if you're constantly in a defeatist state, people can and will turn away after a while.

I have values I've had in place for over a decade. My adult life started late and there been ups and downs. In my downs I tend to be more distant that I usually am already. In my ups, I stay focused on my financial goals and always try to push the needle forward. It blows my mind howeve that this can be seen as a bad trait. The same with honesty and transparency. Keeping people on the same page. Someone insecure sees this as a threat instead of a trait. You have to keep more to yourself to keep your status quo or title with a person. We like when you're honest, just not when it comes to them and flaws in their procedure.

I'm very analytical and detail oriented when I'm truly focused. Some don't like this. I get that. I open it up for discussion. Have you considered this? Have you seen this event has been leading to these results? Maybe we should try something different? It falls on deaf ears if people don't have want to hear it. You can't control this but it is harder to ignore when it is closer to home. We are always more than what has happened to us, but at what point to do we accept the role we play in potential bad events?

If I knew years ago what I know now, maybe I would have made a better effort to set boundaries for myself. Select financial choices might have changed everything, but COVID, a shit roommate scenario, and some job ruts has other plans. I'm hard on people sometimes (even loved ones) because I know the harsh reality of no one has you but you. It becomes painfully obvious when you see both how the country is run and if you ask people for money and they have material items for you instead. We all have bills. What's wrong with money? Thing is, tough love has a mixed reaction. You know people ready to hear it or not ready to hear it. Regardless of which of those two is true, only they can take action. You can't force it.

I'm sure people find me annoying or get tired of me saying the same stuff. That's cool. You're not the kind of person for me. If I have to listen to all your nonsense and/or potentially self caused problema, and my advice or attempts at brining hope and understanding to others is somehow...annoying or offensive, I may not want that kind of energy around me.

Setting boundaries and/or figuring yourself is proving to be a lonely road. I'm starting to truly see where some of these posts are coming from about losing people along the way. I don't want to lose anyone but it is perfectly healthy to push aside if need be. You can also invest more time into your healthier connections. You can take your time. It's just that all of it is unsettling...hence the title of this post. They say it is better to stand alone than be part of a crowd that you truly don't agree with...I'm just dealing with how this all feels and my thoughts simply land at...it won't be alright.

[4etheri4n-deactivated20250726]

I can't stop watching this- it's been stuck on loop for 4 hours. Somebody- help me.

[kidmachinate]

The Final Countdown

(artist: Salvador Dali)

I know your first thought and let's get it out of the way. This post has nothing to do with the famous Europe song. Get it out of your system now. All good? Let's get this post going.

Not long after what very well could have been my last post on here ever, I had two back to back experiences that could have had me going hollow but certainly not voluntarily. One was almost choking to death and the other involved me being at the wrong location during the holidays. That's the extremely abridged version of both stories and outside of now making that public vs not, I don't really wish to get into the details of it...but I learned some things from these two days. Life can be very short so you better make sure you have a damn good support system. The thing about having one vs not is the details in between don't matter. Living or dying is pretty black and white.

When your life isn't on the line, you learn this in other by comparison smaller ways. Spoiler alert, it's a value post. Big shock right? I repeat some of the same things, probably to some at an obnoxious level because there is truth to going where you are appreciated. The thing that makes this more obvious is getting used to a safe environment for months and then just suddenly having that removed from under you. Let me give an example.

Let's say you're in a scenario where you are appreciated by a friend. This friend helps bring you up, mentor you, and helps get you to higher ground in life. They appreciate that you know where to go even if you don't have the answers for something yourself. Your curiosity is rewarded and not punished or resisted. One day, this friend is no longer able to be around. They unwillingly had to move. Not only does this affect you but the friend you now count on in their place resists every ounce of feedback you give. Your curiosity is now met with obstacles or thick walls. In the worst case scenario, you may even be gaslit. It's pretty obvious what the preferred scenario here is.

To a lesser extent, you know you can help people, but if people simply don't want to be helped, you can't waste that energy helping. You can't stay stagnant for other people. You can't have hope for understanding with literal traitors to the USA. There are some things you truly just cannot do. Instead of embracing open world in your life, it's actually more beneficial to be on a linear path. One of your choosing. One in which you move through a linear path with intent. Not everyone is gonna fit in that tunnel. It might suck...but that's okay. Sometimes you have to cut things out to thrive and be the best you that you can be.

Here's the other side of the coin here, however. What if you're actually the problem? Is it a lack of boundaries? Missing therapy and it needing to be resumed? Losing your cool too easy? Unaware of triggers? Could be a variety of things. Need to regulate life's pressures in a healthy way instead of bottling everything?

The thing about these thoughts is regardless of how true, not true, details more vague, the thoughts all are laid out here. There are plenty of days in which I can say I operate in a functionally depressed state, but I do my best not to show that on my face or express that to others. You can't encourage people that way. You can't inspire. You can't practice active listening. Most importantly though, you can't pour from an empty cup. I was trying to do that for a long while...so I worked on filling mine a bit. I'm learning more and more however on how much to pour and where. Love also takes many forms. Something else is discovering more and more.

I envisioned this post being a bit more grim. I just have better ideas on what I want to accomplish. I'm a little over a month into a six month timeline I'm setting for myself. I want a few different aspects to look different and all for the better. I'm still gonna choose acceptance and understanding for most. I'm just not gonna pour into as many cups and certainly no longer at my detriment. It just no longer makes sense to do so and I have to give myself grace for allowing it as much as I have to begin with.

[kidmachinate]

Just Above Basic

In a short statement I made to a friend, I said the following:

"I understand I'm getting old but I'm not THAT old. I refuse to make old a part of my personality, I've got things I need to do. Things I still want to do."

We are all aging. It's inevitable. We all will fail eventually of old age and be able to do less...but there are many of us who are not there now. Even if you are, what's your mental fortitude like? I say that all to say this.

I'm not too old for events or gatherings. Hell even the occasional (probably for work) party outside of my comfort zone for keeping appearances. I much prefer with intent gatherings that get turned into our own "party" with good company, food, and activities, but sometimes being challenged from time to time allows for growth. It could be the mere action of doing something you haven't done before. The right conversation someone may need to hear, as people are different outside of work. While it occurs much less for our generation than the generations past, genuinely being in the "right place at the right time" for a job opportunity. It could be anything.

What I am getting too old for is a list that grows but is much less about outings or even physical activity, and more about stagnancy and complaints. While the internet can run rampant with this stuff, misery loves company as they say. Do you find yourself on loop? On repeat? Do you enjoy this? If not, I would challenge you to break that cycle. That may very well mean outgrowing scenarios or people that you don't want to involve yourself with anymore. The easiest thing to point towards is what is a quickly coming "next four years". There's gonna be A LOT of nonsense around all that, and while it is valid, it's not gonna help anything. I have to have hope that the possibility of going to war aside, we'll be alright.

If you're a "know-it-all", spend a bit too much time on the internet to post opinions (that you may think are fact), or are stuck in your own bubble world, oblivious to what's around you, you can't turn around and be shocked if people look at you differently. I'm not the only one trying to grow out there but some of the examples I'm listing, if they apply, are likely coming from people not willing to do that. Or maybe they haven't reached the awakening, second wind, etc stage yet.

I've never been silent on this. My rants I'm sure sound samey and bounce between fighting the good fight, sometimes saying fuck off to the person who wronged you, and you've got this! Common themes that can and will occur in life. If you got holes in your boat, you can patch them, or sink. I choose to float or fly. I'll help you patch up if that's your journey, but after a while, sometimes you have to let the ship sink and get yourself off there before it does.

(If you're with me, let's enjoy this life. We only have so long here. A hunter is never alone.)

From Facebook Page: Mindsets

[kidmachinate]

I Said I Would

This title means a lot...but it also hurts a lot, because much of this are promises I made to myself that have simply just not been accomplished. It's exhausting.

I said life would get better but I still haven't gotten myself to a salaried position comparable to a place I worked twelve years ago. That's over a decade. That's gotta be my fault, right? I mean I could have done a ton of things. Degree. Knowing someone that knows someone. Free learning where possible. Dedicate the time to put into any of this when living normal life or not being depressed. Game less. Variety of things. To top this off, while my health is mostly okay, still wondering if I have a blood clot in my leg. When I'll get around to getting a primary. That's definitely on me. When I'll get to a dermatologist. Fucking myself is going great, eh? Too much left behind. There's accomplishment outside of myself but what does it matter if you can't keep yourself together? The rest doesn't work.

On one hand, I know I'm doing what I can and then some, on the other I just think about how all these same ideals and principles once had me in a much better position. So how do I build it all back? How do I get to a place in which I can just live and not worry? I just can't see it. Maybe I don't want to...and to be honest and more day than not, I simply don't. Outside of occasional releases in which my voice is appreciated, I'm perhaps worse off than I've ever been. Do I even believe what I'm saying? Everyone's fed. We have a roof. I don't know.

Everything just feels lost. Existential dread sux. It's always there to some extent. We all want to be more. This year has been hell on many and the election sure as hell didn't help. Month to month is figured out. Maybe I just failed. Part of me has accepted this. The other is working hard towards a better future still. The day in which everything balances itself out and I can start going back towards slowly building what I had before. Financial security really has me more confident, less vulnerable. Able to make emergency decisions if need be. There's other aspects to this...

I said I would do a thing...therefore I must do the thing. Can't let someone down. To do this, I better make sure I have all the details and no one can pin any issue on me. If I forget? I wrote it down. This is always appreciated in a job but doesn't guarantee success. You'd have to wonder based on principle why this doesn't work out or make sense. If you have a good pulse on what's going on and don't miss details, how can that be bad? If you point out something that doesn't work as a result of being detail oriented that's what gets you in trouble. It's cost me jobs. It can cause you to lose people that may not be ready or want to hear what you have to say. It can cost you a discount in a store that is shady and realize now they can turn around and charge you extra for something they themselves didn't think of too before. I'd argue these are dishonest people but what if you keep attracting that? Surely I can't make that excuse over twelve years time, that would be absurd. Also...twelve isn't accurate but it's been...maybe ten? My timelines are as blurry as my visions of the future as of late.

As I try and draw blood from a stone, with an old tradition of watching the Rocky films for inspiration, I wonder this time if it will work. Am I looking for a miracle cure or solution to life that doesn't seem within reach? What truly am I doing? I know regardless of what I do or say I have to keep fighting the good fight but damnit if it isn't downright exhausting at times. I don't know if anybody this makes sense and this is just the "public" version or what I need to go into length with in journaling. Something else I said I was gonna do for myself and pushed aside. When I was asked recently if I was okay due to being very quiet. I said yes. When asked further, I simply mentioned financial struggle but overall things are better. I'm starting to think I lied to them and myself with that answer and quickly pivoting into wanting this year to be over was how to avoid perhaps a conversation I should of had because I was given the opportunity to have it. Not wanting to bother others with my nonsense. Again with pushing my needs aside. Why do I do this?

The pic left here is from Facebook but there's no artist tag. It was just shared. I can't ever truly forgive myself for the above and I don't know why. Not everyone is going to see your worth. Maybe it's just a bad day. Is there a detail selective? Is that a thing? Instead of noticing every see detail in something for better or worse, someone picking out the bad things like people the look for reasons why gaming is ruined by "wokeness" agendas? Politics is in everything. Maybe I'm wrong there too. I'm questioning beliefs and value that have gotten me to a position of being fortunate enough to make it and have some backup plans vs none, but still not comfortable. Maybe what I'm doing simply isn't enough. That reminds me of something I have coming up that I wanted to do to be nice but now I'm questioning that too. Maybe if enough who valued my effort we're in positions of power at work would change my financial position and I'd be happier or content. Is that really it? Or is there more too it?

Too many questions, too little answers. I'm beside myself. Might be in a withdraw phase.

[kaijuno]

People always gloss over how mentally damaging it can be to work in retail. I fucking hate that whenever I say “I could never work in retail again” someone has to reply “You snowflake millennials can’t take a starter job because you have to INTERACT with other people” No. Fuck you. I’ve worked as a planetarium host. I’ve worked as a public speaker. I’ve worked as a tutor and as a student teacher. I can work with people. I can work with crowds. Retail was fucking different. Retail was being treated as a subhuman. Retail was being treated so poorly that you have anxiety attacks before work. Having to work retail was a factor in my last suicide attempt. If I hear you say one fucking word about retail workers playing the victim I will personally break every bone in your body. Fuck You.

[dynamicsymmetry]

The holidays are coming up. Retail workers are going to be spiraling into a nightmare beyond human comprehension. If you’ve worked retail, you know this. If you haven’t, be aware of it. Please be kind to every retail worker you come across. Please be patient and understanding. It is misery out there.

[prismatic-bell]

Listen, okay.

A few years ago I went grocery shopping on Christmas Eve because I…frankly, because I forgot it was Christmas Eve. I’m sure a few people got a good laugh when it hit me mid-shop why it was so fucking crowded.

Anyway I went through self-checkout and halfway through my order it imploded.

Someone came over to help me with it and kept apologizing and after realizing this was not going to be as simple as them swiping a card and tapping a number, I said “would it make your life easier tonight if I just did the rest of my order through a regular checkout?” and the attendant said yes AND STARTED CRYING.

I want you, if you have never worked retail, to ask yourself what it would take to push you to the point that a friendly, neutral-value question would make you burst into tears. Imagine it, really think about it. And then realize retail and food service workers go through so much abuse THEIR LIMIT IS PROBABLY HIGHER THAN YOURS. Because they’re used to it.

Be kind. Ask a harried cashier if they need a minute to grab a drink of water. Offer them a smile. If the machine goes down, make it clear you know it’s not their fault. Nothing about your transaction will matter an hour from now—treat it that way. Let them breathe.

(Also, speaking as a veteran of the food service trenches, you know what made me feel A LOT better when I had an asshole customer? Another customer acknowledging that the first customer was an asshole. A simple “wow, who pissed in THEIR Cheerios this morning?” was enough to let me take a breath and relax and let it roll off more easily.)

[cuydulce]

I’m a professor now, so I deal with people all the time in a variety of contexts, and there is no way I ever want to go back to being a cashier, even at double my current pay (which would never happen of course because retail workers are not only poorly treated, they are severely underpaid).

[macmanx]

Can confirm all of the above, I’m never going back to retail.

[kidmachinate]

Scrambled

Looking back to what my last post was, some aspects have gotten better, some remain the same. However, what's not exclusive to that or many posts on here is how I feel my brain is at times. Like the eggs pictured above, scrambled. All over the place. Out of order. On a good day, it's organized chaos. On a bad day, I'm unfocused and unmotivated.

A recent gathering with good company and various songs was fun. It was a good chance to express ourselves. It's the kind of days you hope for consistently so the scrambled process doesn't take place. Being between responsibilities and places in between to do various errands, usually to do even more responsibilities. Not only does this make recharge time that much more important but you may not even know what you want to do if anything at all. It's possible to burnout on empathy. You've nothing left to give. I think for quite some time, I was in that space. However, I also can never forget who I am and know I can offer to the table. People feel safe and accepted around me, even if this means I sometimes have to be honest about a tough topic. I inform, analyze, and observe any given scenario. What tends to change from day to day is how much I go into doing that process or how much I'll just go with my gut feeling. A combination of the two leads to most decisions but I'll lean more towards either feelings or logic depending on the day. The overall process however doesn't change. I try to help where I can while now also learning when to pull away and set a boundary. Takers never rest.

I'll never judge where someone is at in life progress wise. That said, it becomes a real downer if someone isn't at the same place as you in adulthood and brings up a scenario they have all the power in the world to change, but won't, and this transference of feel bad or negative energy takes place. One's inability to help their own scenario should not be something you have to directly be impacted by. It is their life. Especially if advice has been given before but ignored, and now here we are complaining? You shouldn't have to deal with that.

I have my own personal insecurities in which I know at times I'll slip on words, don't feel I look attractive, lack motivation, and so on. What I'm not gonna do is wreck someone's day because I can't keep a handle on what's good with me. My mess shouldn't become someone else's problem. My thought process is consistently scrambled or chaotic and yet, grounded and logical. It's a standard I try and maintain. Good or bad. Personal victories in overcoming this stuff may very well not get a reaction you may be looking for, but do the thing anyway. Sing that song. Write that poetry. See that person. Whatever it is, you have to take the chance. When things are hectic and all over the place, something needs to feel right. Something needs to just make sense. If it puts you in a happy place, go for it.

I picked up my physical journal again earlier this week. Will I stick with it this time? I should. Same with walking daily. Braindead routines however sometimes distract us from what we likely should be doing. We're human. There's much that won't be perfect...but raining on someone's parade because you lack something in your own personal life is not the way. Ever. If you're thoughts are all over the place, get them out there with a safe space friend and/therapist. Instead of embracing the problem, go towards the solution.

All this to come from some with high highs and lower lows. I'd say no in between, but I feel the in between us just being indifferent. It's just not in me to give someone legitimate hell for eternity because of something lacking in my life journey or some fucked up things that happened to me in the past.

Appreciated or not, I'll keep singing my song...because the path feels right. It's where I need to be.