Confessions of a Lizardqueen

This is made for me to vent about... life. Depression deluxe!

[likeafieldmouse-deactivated2015]

Attila Szűcs - Silent Movie (2013)

[rubyetc]

creature confessions

[confessionsofalizardqueen]

Not waving, but drowning

I had great friends. What my family never provided I always felt my friends gave me. Then I went away. To Japan, then to England. And when I came back everybody was gone. Not really, though. They´re al still there. That´s kinda what makes it even worse. I see them every now and then and they still love me and vice versa and they´re happy. They have partners, jobs and they absolutely do not need me. They`ve lived their life in the past two years without me and now I don`t have a place in it anymore.Me where I am now do not fit in with the babies and couples and wedding plans.I am the spinster single friend that plays with words and never finds a boyfriend. I am funny, i am fun. And then I go home and leave them in their happy lives and they don`t spend a single second thinking about me. And they think I`m strong. No matter how much I try I can not make them see how much I need help. How much I need them. I am no-ones most important person. Because I never asked for help they assume I don`t need it. And even if I put it in words how bad I feel, I am no fun anymore and they get silent and turn away. 

I have never been as alone in my whole life as I am right now. And I am desperately trying to think of reasons to stay alive. I know they are there and I just can`t see them. The only thing I can think of is my cat. How sad is that?

I need to go back on my meds so fucking bad! Hurry up health insurance companyI cannot keep going like this for much longer!

[confessionsofalizardqueen]

me to all my friends: YOU CAN DO IT. YOU MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE. LET'S DO THIS TOGETHER. COME ON!!!

me to myself: you fucking piece of shit you will amount to nothing nothing is worth it your feelings are irrational go sleep for 22 hours

[fantasiainside-blog]

[obesitycore2-deactivated2018120]

the really shitty thing about being told that youre smart your whole entire life is that as soon as you dont understand something you just kind of completely shut down and his this big shitty crisis because maybe youre not as smart as youve always been told 

[rubyetc]

lights off

[shayyrich]

[f-r-u-s-t-a-t-e-d]

[livinggdreams]

[petitluve]

[thesuicidalteenageyears-blog]

[confessionsofalizardqueen]

Back with a kick to the face

I finished my MA. I went back home. I have never felt so out of place. How did that happen?  Then, slowly, things got worse. Now ALL my friends are in a relationship. Even the ones that looked hopeless. Now while I don´t really want a boyfriend, I wonder why there is no one for me. At all. And it's not as if I never go anywhere, do anything or meet anyone. It's just that nobody likes me. And I find no one really interestinf. Except for K. of course who now has the stupidest girlfriend I can imagine. Adds to the pain as I watch them and think "you prefer that over me?!" I must be the world's most horrible person. I am just not loveable in the truest sense of the word. I cannot be loved. My parents will probably confirm this.  I can only be a friend. The friend that everyone loves, that everyone tells their problems to. And the one that no one ever asks how they are. I know I am doing my friends wrong with this because if only I told them how I was they'd listen but I need to be asked. I always have.  I feel like I am utterly alobe in this world. I am not important to anyone and yes, they'd miss me if I wasn´t there but their lives wouldn't change. I am not the most important person to anyone. No one needs me. No one helps me. I need help. I need so much help. But being as deep down in the hole as I am now I am no fun and boyfriends and girlfriends are more important than spending an evening with me so here I am...  I have many friends and still I have seldom felt this alone.  My sister? Has a new boyfriend so even if I told her I was about to kill myself right now (and I am pretty close) she´d write it off as just talking and stay there. 

I need to get my meds back. Or admit myself. I need help. And have no clue how to ask for it or get it. Fun. 

[goodquoteco]

[discolor3d]

[kniivila]

I doodled this out a while ago but it’s always at least a little relevant to life.

[yukon-ho]

The White Cloth by trulsespedal