Break Up Ramble

20-something girl struggling with life. The money, dream, food and... the love. I travel the world but my heart still belongs to one asshole

[tea-and-toblerones-blog]

Good guy Marshall, making sure everyone gets a gift on Valentine’s Day.

[conichan812-blog]

After 5 years

It’s been over 3 years since I wrote some stuff here about my asshole and well? my heart still belongs to that asshole. It’s been over 5 years since I met him. Currently we’ve been broken up for a year and we are on the opposite side of the planet literally. We still talk almost everyday half arguing half loving. What is love?

[better-off-dead-than-live]

[conichan812-blog]

I miss you

Ok I'm irrationally angry now. Alright I fucking miss you. I fucking miss us. I even miss the fights. Why the fuck doesn't it work out now? That's all bullshit. IT'S ALL BULLSHIT!!!! Why is all I could think about you? Why can't I just fall out of love? Why? Why can't I be one of those girls who dump guys and pick up the next one the next week? God damn half of our relationship was all break up and getting back together. Why am I still in love with him? Am I just addicted to the pain?? You were never a great boyfriend. You never got me a flower. You forgot our anniversary. You would fall asleep when I'm sick. You fucking cheated on me. You were such a coward that you couldn't tell me the whole fucking year. What the fuck is wrong with me?? All I could think about is your cute soft warm smile and hand. I never focus on the bad things. Why? Why? I can't even type these three words without tearing up in my eyes. I love you.

[conichan812-blog]

Feelinggs

I've been sick for two days and you know when you're sick and alone, you sort of think about life A LOT. Anyways, I talked to my ex yesterday on the phone.. Just updates on life blah blah. And I couldn't help but wonder, does "if it's meant to be, it's gonna find its own way back" really work? All feelings fade away at some point, don't they?

[conichan812-blog]

Couples

Looking at the happy ones cuddling on the train. Do I really need that? No, I don't. It's great, but I don't NEED it. Like a new iPhone. It's great to have it, and when you get it, you can't really live without it. But did you really NEED that iPhone? You already have a fancy Mac computer that works perfectly. Just be happy with what you have. But at the same time, if you're just happy with what you have and not explore new things, your life can get really boring. Didn't your mom always teach you not to get so comfortable with what you have. And from your experience, you know that you get the greatest things when you actually get out of your comfort zone? Too much ramble

[conichan812-blog]

Getting back out there

Tinder, coffee meets bagel, happen… These apps have been waiting for me to pretend to “get back out there” again. Same routine. Every break up. Meet some strangers. Small talk. You don’t like them. They don’t like you. No spark. No butterflies. Just distraction.

[conichan812-blog]

Haunted

Being in love is so annoying. Even though you make so much effort not to see him, not to think about him… And you actually feel you’re doing fine. Then every night, somehow he appears in your dream. Not necessarily in a romantic form. But he is ALWAYS there. It’s almost like I’m haunted.

[conichan812-blog]

As day 1 of closure, I watched this documentary about a tribe in China that practices “free love”. In this village, there is no marriage and everyone is allowed to have sex with anyone and kids are taken care of by the whole village. Even with the freedom, some people choose to stay with one person. Since there is no financial dependency, what keeps couples there is just love. 

[conichan812-blog]

24hrs after “closure”

Lonely lonely 24hrs. Tutoring work got cancelled. My only friend in the city got last-minute babysitting job. Even my landlord cancelled her trip here to pick up the rent. 

I only walked 137 steps today. Watched 2 seasons of friends in bed. Had the same curry with rice all day. Maybe it’s time to watch sex and the city again. That always seems to cheer me up after every break-up with him. 

Yeah... we broke up so many times. And follows the make up hot, hot sex. In these 2 and half years we went around and around the vicious cycle. People asked me is it really love? And I asked myself the same question every day. 

It was love. And it is. 

[conichan812-blog]

End of an era

So today I had a thing that seems to feel like a closure with this boy, the boy I’ve been in love with for the first time in my life and for the longest time. He had a big heart, he was always warm and had the sweetest smile. What we had between us, I believe, is and was mostly passion. I love him. He loves me. But things fell apart to the point where we no longer could fix with passion. It’s been 2 months since we figured we are too broken to be together. We still saw each other, helped each other these 2 months. But today was different. I accepted that it is not a good time for both of us to keep working on this right now. We are not capable of fixing it right now. If it’s meant to be, it will find its own way some day. 

So here is a closure. Or not :P