CONSULTING DETECTIVE @consultdetect - Tumblr Blog

(@brainwcrk ; i just had to.)

Imogene,

If you've found this letter, then my predictions were (of course) correct, and you did infact take my dressing gown with you. Unusually sentimental of you, but I must admit I'm quite touched.

Now do please stop rolling your eyes. I am well aware that 1. You are only going to be away for four days and 2. I can get near-instant gratification by sending you a text message, but I simply thought that this would be a touch more dramatic. Not nearly as dramatic as stealing your brother's clothes, but here we are.

You're currently composing... Something... Downstairs on the piano. It does sound lovely, if a touch too melancholy. Ease back on the ebony, sister mine. I know you're going to miss me, but surely there will be enough at the cottage to keep you occupied. If not, well... You have an awfully good imagination. Use it. And failing that, just keep your mobile phone switched on. I predict a few restless nights for the pair of us.

I don't expect you to write back, seeing as you'll probably beat your reply home, but do let me know when you've found it. I'd quite like to revel in my own smugness.

What did I say about rolling your eyes?

Sherlock

p.s. Granny keeps a stash of cigarettes and brandy behind the biscuit tin in the far left cupboard above the draining board. I'm wagering that there'll be more there than when I last checked, seeing as she pocketed Dad's hip flask on New Year's Eve. Nothing says seeing in the millennium like a blossoming drink problem well into your 80s. You can thank me properly when you get home.

#brainwcrk #WELL #it's been 84 years #love you dummy

JOHN.

“ Bloody right it is, ” John muttered under his breath as he crumpled up the piece of paper, fully intending to bin it right then and there. He wasn’t about to admit to Sherlock ( or to himself, for that matter ) that he himself had made a similar list in his mind the night after Mary had told him the news.

John had never imagined himself the marrying sort. He’d certainly never expected to father a child. It wasn’t that he’d been actively against it ; it simply hadn’t seem to be in the cards for him. One could argue that pursuing a career in the Army that kept him on tour until his late thirties hadn’t exactly increased his chances at family life much. Some measure of self-insight and honesty might lead to the very obvious conclusion that John liked his life as it had been for a long time ; free of any true restrictions, with a skill set that allowed him access to potentially dangerous situations, no questions asked.

Not exactly the sort of lifestyle befitting of a child. But now there was Rosie. And Sherlock. And their clients. And somehow, so far, they’d made it work. Somehow, amidst the mystery and mayhem, John was able to be a father, and a doctor, and be allowed to run around criminal London with Sherlock nearly every night. Who had proven to be a shockingly excellent godfather to Rosie. And John? John was happy. Guilt-ridden, ashamed, but happy even so.

The apology still took him completely off-guard. He turned around, crumpled piece of paper still in hand, to blatantly stare at the other man for a moment.

“ You’re— Sorry, could you just repeat that? Think I might be hearing things. ”

“Yes, mercilessly funny, John. You know if the Doctor thing doesn’t work out, you could always turn your hand to comedy.”

Taking a step closer to the other man, Sherlock deftly plucked the now rather worse-for-wear looking bit of paper from his grasp and shoved it unceremoniously into the inside pocket of his blazer, lest Mrs Hudson decided to go through their rubbish again— then he really wouldn’t hear the end of it.

Of course, the list in itself, by itself, achieved nothing (...other than upsetting John, apparently). For it to serve even a fraction of it’s intended purpose, it would require not only the very hypothetical notion that Sherlock decided to grow a pair (as his sister so eloquently put it) and actually admit his romantic 'feelings’ to his friend and former flatmate, but the even more hypothetical and categorically unlikely event that the very much heterosexual man in question felt the same way.

“I’m not saying it again. Did you remember the sugar?”

#crimeblogger #l m a o #POOR CHILD #admitting defeat before he's even started #dumb boys

@governmentofficial

“I presume she’s told you our news, then.”

He spends a moment focusing on adjusting his cufflinks, simply out of fear of catching his brother’s eye whilst discussing such a topic. Even after all of these years, broaching personal matters still wasn’t quite their area.

“Do you... have any thoughts on the matter?”

#governmentofficial #sherlock definitely laughed for 5 minutes straight when irene told him mycroft called her a whale

gaybaerey

#((:

knightwayne

Why do you hate him? Because he attacks people who are different and preys on their secrets. Why don’t you?

#ridiculous

JOHN.

The idea of Imogene as a mother was mortifying enough to briefly distract John from the first frissons of anger he’d felt just a moment ago. Searching Sherlock’s face, John found nothing but an expression he could safely label as genuine based on years of ( infuriating ) experience. He cleared his throat, lowering the piece of paper as he did so.

“ ——— Right. ”

An awkward silence descended on the room. They’d come a long way since the early days, but that didn’t mean either of them was particularly good at… this. Ironically, Sherlock still tended to be the more emotionally expressive one between the two of them.

“ Right, ” John repeated, not quite knowing what to do when faced with Sherlock’s immediate regret. “ Well. Glad that’s sorted. Maybe hang this up in her flat instead, yeah? ”

“You can throw it away.” Came his almost too quick retort, accompanied with a blasé wave of his hand in the general direction of the bin. “It’s all nonsense anyway.”

Which, again, wasn’t strictly a lie.

The godforsaken list had indeed been his sister’s idea, though the reasoning behind it differed somewhat. After finally admitting to Imogene that maybe he wasn’t entirely opposed to the idea of his relationship with John Watson being something other than platonic (for there was little he could hide from that woman), it was swiftly brought to his attention that in pursuing romantic entanglement with a single Father, the title of step-parent more often than not would come as part of the package deal. Joy unbounded.

In the end, the formation of the list had done little more than, well, list, funnily enough. Staggering facts such as, if you have a child, you’ll have to change nappies. You’ll have to feed them. You’ll have to child-proof your flat. You’ll have to deal with toys everywhere. You’ll have to put up with cbeebies on the telly. You’ll become incredibly attached to them. You’ll end up worrying about them constantly... And so on, and so forth. For all intents and purposes, it did it’s job. A fine list indeed.

Something Sherlock hadn’t expected it to do, though, was lead him the very real conclusion that, well— he did all of those things for Rosie already.

“——Sorry.”

#crimeblogger #hums softly #(((((:#you were saying something about big dumb stupid idiots???

IMOGENE.

@consultdetect

“ … ”

“Oh so you’re giving me the silent treatment, correct? Just so we’re on the same page. Because for some reason I wasn’t aware we were thirteen again.”

#brainwcrk #how #dare #you #THE NERVE #THE AUDACITY #god i love you #ic? ooc?#both

MORIARTY.

‟ Now come on, Sherlock. Don’t be boring. We all know you like to boast of your big brain, so use it. ” Though there was something about watching Sherlock Holmes squirm as he tried to figure it out. ‟ Faking your own death should be child’s play to you by now. ”

@consultdetect

The natural conclusion he came to (admittedly after a brief flurry of inward panic) was that the whole situation had to be playing out in his mind. Jim Moriarty was, beyond all logical doubt, dead. He had watched it happen for christ’s sake, if the recent events at Sherrinford hadn’t confirmed it enough. Certainly not a new occurrence by any stretch, conjuring such an apparition; but it had been quite some time since the cell in which his brain kept his Machiavellian counterpart had let him out to play.

“Child’s play indeed. Make believe springs to mind, actually. Or imaginary friends. Because that’s what you are, of course. Imaginary.” He clasps his hands behind his back, regaining confidence in his posture. “Now are you going to keep me long? Because I’m fairly certain I was listening to Vivaldi.”

#immobiliter #uh oh #UH #OH #lottie i don't even know where this is heading but i'm so ready for it

JOHN.

@consultdetect

“ What is this? ”

The piece of paper was snatched from the fridge and held aloft as John strode back into the sitting room, displeasure tensing the lines of his mouth and shoulders. It would be a few years still before Rosie would be able to read, but the list was hurtful even so.

( The advantages and disadvantages of being child-free? Seriously? )

“ Sherlock. What the hell is this? ”

Bugger.

“A joke, between my sister and I. She— seems to think it’s time for her to settle down and have children, whereas I believe she would be an atrocious mother.”

Well it’s certainly not all lies.

“It was all quite funny at the time but I can see how from your point of view it may seem rather...” He paused briefly then, swallowed, searching with furrowed brows and narrowed eyes for what word John would deem to be appropriate for the situation, “...insensitive. Given your parental status.”

#crimeblogger #(you've done it now michelle)

Twins.

@brainwcrk

#brainwcrk #michelle i CAN'T #twins twins twins

vxctorx‌:

@consultdetect‌:

Keep reading

#vxctorx #nsfw #[ooof]#[trust you to bring the boy back with smut lmao]#[i see ur power bottom and raise u this very overwhemed top]

historindies

cruel intentions → sentence meme

CONTAINS GRAPHIC LANGUAGE AND SEXUAL REFERENCES

❝You amaze me.❞

❝God forbid I exude confidence and enjoy sex.❞

❝Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 so I can be considered a lady?❞

❝I’m the Marsha Fucking Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself!❞

❝So there’s your psychoanalysis, Dr. Freud. Now tell me, are you in…or are you out?❞

❝What shall we toast to?❞

❝Silly rabbit. My triumph isn’t over them. It’s over you.❞

❝You were very much in love with them. You’re still in love with them.❞

❝It amused me to make you ashamed of it.❞

❝You gave up the first person you ever loved because I threatened your reputation.❞

❝Don’t you get it? You’re just a toy. A little toy I like to play with.❞

❝Tastes good.❞

❝So I assume you’ve come here to make arrangements? But unfortunately, I don’t fuck losers.❞

❝Most people are sheep. Who are you to criticize something you’ve never experienced?❞

❝I just don’t think people should experience the act of love until they are in love.❞

❝Are you a lesbian?❞

❝I didn’t meant to offend you. I just picked up on a little bit of that lesbian vibe.❞

❝The only reason I let him keep up the charade is because the man has a mouth like a hoover. Oof!❞

❝This sure doesn’t take like an iced tea.❞

❝Yup. Then I fucked your daughter.❞

❝I’m impressed.❞

❝Well, I’m in love.❞

❝They told me they loved me, and I believed them.❞

❝Would you cut your psycho-babble bullshit!❞

❝There’s pictures of me on the internet!❞

❝My advice is to sleep with as many people as possible.❞

❝But that would make me a slut, wouldn’t it?❞

❝Fucking idiot…❞

❝Well I know this sounds corny, but whenever I feel the temptation of peer pressure, I turn to God and he helps me through the problem.❞

❝I don’t know what I could possibly say that would rectify the harm I’ve caused you.❞

❝The truth of the matter is that being with you was the only time I have ever been happy.❞

❝My whole life has been a joke. I prided myself on taking joy in others’ misery.❞

❝I succeed in hurting the first person I ever loved.❞

❝Please give me another chance. I’m a wreck without you.❞

❝You spend all your time preaching about waiting for love. Well here it is. Right in front of you, and you’re going to turn your back on it.❞

❝But you are going to have to live the rest of your life knowing that you’ve turned your back on love.❞

❝And that makes you a hypocrite. Have a nice life.❞

❝And how are things down under?❞

❝E-mail is for geeks and pedophiles.❞

❝That little wager of yours? Count me in.❞

❝ What are the terms?❞

❝In English? I’ll fuck your brains out.❞

❝Because I’m the only person you can’t have, and it kills you.❞

❝You’ve got yourself a bet, baby!❞

❝Everybody loves me, and I intend to keep it that way.❞

❝Why can’t we be together?❞

❝You wanna know why? Because I don’t trust myself with you.❞

❝You could be a model. It’s too bad you’re not sexy.❞

❝I can be sexy!❞

❝Keep your legs together. This isn’t Jamaica.❞

❝Introduce them to your world of sex, drugs and… what else do you do?❞

❝My God. You are completely pussy-whipped.❞

❝What happened to us?❞

❝You’re in love with them, you don’t love me anymore.❞

❝Hmm, quite the predicament you’re in.❞

❝Well let me tell you something, people don’t change overnight. You and I are two of a kind. At least I have the guts to admit it.❞

❝Not only will you ruin your reputation, you’ll destroy theirs.❞

❝I know how to alleviate menstrual cramps, thank you very much.❞

❝It’s not like you have a husband - unless you’re married to Jesus.❞

❝It’s not you, it’s me…I’m completely fucked up.❞

❝I thought I was in love with you, but it was just a lie.❞

❝I just wanted to see what you were like in bed.❞

❝I wanted it to work, but unfortunately I feel nothing.❞

❝You’re such a coward! Look at yourself!❞

❝Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! Don’t fucking touch me!❞

❝I can’t stand that holier-than-thou bullshit, and yet, I’m completely infatuated.❞

❝It’s okay. You can laugh. I promise not to tell anyone.❞

❝Okay, let’s try it again only this time I’m gonna stick my tongue in your mouth, and when I do that I want you to massage my tongue with yours. And that’s what first base is.❞

❝They took down my pants and started writing the alphabet with their tongue.❞

❝I’ve been very well-informed of your reputation.❞

❝You promise people the world in order to get them into bed with you.❞

❝Relationships seem too distracting. I’d rather concentrate on my studies.❞

❝Get your ass on the bed and prepare for the fuck of your life!❞

❝How can someone so charming be so manipulative?❞

#meme

IRENE.

“You’re well aware that’s not my intention, Victor. But if you’re going to be a child and put it like that, then so be it. Somebody needs to be the mature one and apparently it’s going to be me.”

She can hear his parting words as she turns on her heels and walks towards the exit of the café, though they’re rendered practically void, for it’s exactly what she’s intending to do. With her hand placed upon the door, she turns to look over her shoulder briefly, her expression placid, blank.

“—I think you’ll probably want to be there for this, don’t you?”

And with that, she pushes open the door and embarks on the short journey from Speedy’s up to 221b, brazen in her stride, not bothering with the trivialities of knocking, knowing Victor would be just behind her. Once upstairs, she finds the Detective in his armchair, violin in his grasp, strings being plucked idly as if in thought. Having him in front of her all of a sudden brings to mind the reality of what she was about to do, what she was about to say, though none of that mattered. Victor, (thought she would loathe to admit it), was right. The only one that can but an end to this, no matter the outcome, was him.

“Sherlock, there’s something we need to discuss.”

He’s first stirred from his trance by the sound of two sets of footsteps ascending the stairs of 221b. His first assumption, as ever, is clients; which is followed by the incredibly strong urge to go and shut himself in the bathroom and pretend he isn’t home. But after observing the gait of the anonymous strides for a moment longer, it’s easy for him to put names to the guests before they appear in the doorway, and when they do— judging by their mutual expressions— he almost wishes that the pair had been clients.

His fingers pause against the strings of his violin as his gaze flits between the forms of Irene and Victor, his own expression a rare display of perplexed. One did not need to be skilled in the methods of deduction to know that whatever needed to be discussed was not going to be a walk in the park, so to speak.

“ Victor? ” he responds cautiously. The name is almost a rhetorical question in the way it’s spoken, as if searching for some form of assurance, though his eyes remain fixed on Adler. With one word, he’s asking what on earth is going on. ( @vxctorx )

#vxctorx #listen #this can already be considered a three way #just saying

thewxman

ooc; I am well aware that it’s not munday, but I feel that these are relevant enough to warrant posting. (◕‿◕✿) My purple shirt of sex arrived so I thought it was time to do a little test run with hair and makeup for my fem!lock cosplay. However, it seems that these shirts universally have screaming buttons. I feel your pain, Benedict/Sherlock wardrobe department.