I don’t know how to say this, but as I’ve seen so much circulating on this topic today, I thought it might be valuable for me to express my own perspective.
Until the start of 2017, I never truly believed or understood the effects of anxiety and depression.
I thought it was something you could be logical and methodical about, and “think” your way out of.
I remember being so tired and flat that I couldn’t place the meaning behind it. I’m vegan, I look after myself, I don’t smoke or do drugs, and I drink very infrequently.
I went to my doctor to talk about it and to get a blood test to find out if I was deficient in anything, and potentially find the cause of this exhaustion.
My blood tests came back fine and I chalked it up to working in hospitality and maybe just a phase.
So I set out to be ‘methodical’ about this feeling. I made sure to eat well and fuel my body properly, sleep enough, drink more water, go to yoga more and generally lean into the things that made me feel like a better version of myself.
Those things didn’t help and the feelings deepened as time went on. I would get home from work and get straight into bed. I would cook pasta nearly every night because it took the least time and energy to make.
I wouldn’t order food to be delivered because I felt too confronted by the thought of having open the door and talk to someone, even just to say thank you for delivering my food.
When I was at work, things were a grey haze. Laughing was rare and crying became a daily event.
Somehow I got through a semester of university - the structure, learning and constant tasks kept me focussed and my head above water, but as soon as the semester ended, everything disintegrated again.
I was afraid of seeing a psychologist because it meant I had to truly confront my suffering, and I wasn’t sure I knew how.
Months later, for the sake of myself and my relationships, I made the decision to go to my GP and get a referral for a psychologist.
As per my intentions, I am seeing a psychologist and doing my best to be patient with myself.
I still struggle every day with depression and anxiety, and in the big picture, I’m not sure what I have achieved in terms of improvement, but the first step for me was acknowledgment.
Recognising this as something I couldn’t think my way out of, something that isn’t my fault and does not define me.
Telling my boyfriend and my family that this was how I felt, helped. While they didn’t understand, they could be patient with me and allow me the space to heal as best I could.
As we do, it was my intention to move on without having a dialogue about this, but more and more it is becoming evident that we all need to have the ability to be open about these experiences.
I cannot provide answers, as there aren’t any, but suggest you be patient with yourself and acknowledge your needs.
Meditation has helped me a great deal, and anti depressants have been a useful tool.
Partners, be patient and kind to your loved ones. They cannot always explain to you what it is they are feeling, and often times you might not understand.
There is no ‘fixing’ and mental health struggles are not a ‘one size fits all’ phenomena. No ones journey is the same and there can be ups and downs by the day.
My heart goes out to all who carry this heaviness in their heart.
We need tremendous strength and courage to keep going x
This is so real. I feel this on every level. I have felt the exact same and only after weeks of therapy (still going weekly after 4 months) and anti depressants, am I beginning to see that one day I might actually be able to manage the down days as well as the up days.
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