The Best Text Posts of Tumblr

[helenvaughans]

[starberrysap]

dune part two did the impossible. it made people write smut about a bald person

[eiruriofidkewoeeifjjdis374738-d]

me: where’s the toilet?

New Yorker: take a left up over at 6th and catch the bus between 12th and 32nd. there you’ll see a hotdog cart at the corner of 53rd…you gotta go on straight past to 47th. between 8th and 34th there’s a little place, ask for Mikey, tell him I sent you an he’ll let you in aight

me: thanks. I’ll just piss in the street

[isilence-blog1]

relationship goal: a relationship

[31st]

i have to tell you something that will lower your entire opinion of me

[31st]

when i was 12 i made flyers for my fanfiction and handed them out a train station

[edgebug]

im blown away by the sheer confidence this act required. if anything my opinion has been raised. the poise. the fearlessness. the laughing in the face of death. i’m speechless

[bob-belcher]

[tanthesuperman]

Preferred place for guys to cum?

To his senses

[unpunny]

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning...

It’s a girl and she weighs 7lbs 12 oz!!

[desdemonadaae]

Don't👏Watch👏Phantom👏Of👏The👏Opera👏If👏You👏Aren't👏Ugly👏And👏Live👏In👏The👏Basement

[loumandliker]

cats are like. i am very small and have cute little triangle ears. also locking me out of the bathroom is a hate crime

[whetaver]

me: *never studies*

me: what the FUCK srsly like who the fuck is making these exams we never even went over this its like they makin us fail on PURPOSE the school system is so fucked up smh......

[dacelio]

No offense but I hate it when people sit down next to me to smoke…like sweetie…I was here breathin…

[gothhabiba]

a woman: hi, how are you?

a man: hm. see I wouldn’t have phrased it exactly like that. I might have said “hello” or perhaps “salutations.” but the way you said it is cute though.

[mossywound]

i will stay alive as performance art

[thehausghosts]

is 3 fingers too much

not at all! most people have 10 :)

[gloamglozerglam-deactivated2022]

only the true king could remove the sword from the stone…. no one else could…… they didn’t have…. arthurization

[ginger-ale-official]

Drove my first riding lawn mower today! I’d love to say I also mowed my lawn but as it turns out, if you don’t lower the blade, you’re just driving circles around your house for two and a half hours for no reason! What a day!