Under the water.

It seems I forgot what a blog was for a little while. { semi-ind. Rose Lalonde rp blog }

[alexithymiiic-blog]

yrah haha itd a work in progrwss how are hou elise? i hope youre doinf well

[contumation]

I’m doing rather well, all things considered, thank you. How are you?

[saccharinetea]

you just said but okay that’s fine what are your tea and sweets preferences don’t say iced and none

[contumation]

You’re learning. 

Iced tea isn’t too revolting, is it?  I like jasmine tea. 

Do particular types of fruit count as sweets?

[saccharinetea]

@contumation probably not but also if you’re keeping track you could go for two :pp

[contumation]

That sounds like it requires effort, and that word tends to not be in my vocabulary.

[alexithymiiic-blog]

@contumation

hhu you folloed back a t weird time

[contumation]

Did I? The inability to type coherently didn’t tip me off.

[itsjohnegman]

let’s do this!

….holy CRAP.

wassup guys! this has been a LONG time coming, and some of you i’ve chatted a little with some not at all, and some of you have even made greeters for me i haven’t even gotten around to? i’m way sorry about that btw. would it help if i told you half the time i was a video game character and the other half i was a literal rock?

anyways, my name’s john! well, ok, no duh i’m a john. people call me shou! he/him if it matters to you guys, currently resting up so i can do some flying around tomorrow, and getting my butt kicked in splatoon.

wassup with you guys? 

(oh and by the way, cause he’s totally just gonna hide like a lump if i let him, @itsjavestridbert is on this account too! he’s gonna try to get his own (finally) if he has reason to, if you guys wanna you should go give him a reason to move his butt off of my account!)

[contumation]

How does one get that far behind on greeting posts? Is it truly worth putting forward at that point? 

Splatoon. Do I want to know what that is?

...Who? 

Anyway. Hi John, or Shou, or whatever new and improved nickname you’ll eventually come up with. I’m Elise.

[daviscatessen-archive]

[private]

[daviscatessen-archive]

leaving was my mistake moving on was my mistake too but its too late to make changes to decisions ive already made i didnt know how to fix it and i was afraid and i– and im not going to keep giving you excuses for things i cant change. the only thing i can do now is apologize which is what ive been trying to do for a day now

[contumation]

And I’m telling you, I don’t want your apology, and you’re not forgiven. 

[daviscatessen-archive]

[private]

[daviscatessen-archive]

i literally couldnt compel myself to give even an eighth of a shit about what jett thinks first of all dc at the time was my best friend and i was attached to him, yes, to the point that karkat suggested a moiraillegiance but i didnt fucking leave you for him i left you because we were goddamn toxic and this conversation only proves that further

im not saying i was a stellar boyfriend, by any means, because i know i wasnt. im not saying it was all your fault. i am saying that we werent good for each other and i didnt stay because neither of us were happy. you dont stay in relationships you arent happy in why the fuck would you

im not asking for your empathy i dont even fucking want your empathy i dont give a good goddamn how you feel about my broken heart elise because i didnt ask for your opinion on it in the first place

and even though the attempts i made here to find some kind of common ground, to give you some kind of closure have been totally wadded up and spit back in my face, i dont regret having this conversation because i know that it needed to happen anyway.

but i wont only think of you as a bitch of an ex-girlfriend because i know youre more than that and i know we were more than that and i know youre angry and want to shut me down because you dont want to have this conversation you act like i havent been on the other side of your emotional walls before but if you want to pretend you don’t miss the late night conversations and the poetry and jokes thats fine if shutting me down and treating me like the garbage i acted like makes you feel better then you go right ahead and start namecalling because all youre doing right now is hurting yourself

[contumation]

Of course I miss it. I miss getting to think about how wonderful things would be when I got to be close to you again, I miss staying up late to talk to you, I miss being able to trust you and I fucking miss seeing yellow hearts on my screen and I have spent months trying to come to terms with the fact that I don’t get to ever have that again. And you got to move on. 

You know why you stay in a relationship that you’re miserable in, Davis? You stay in it because the good that you used to have is worth fighting for, it’s worth trying to fix, it was good enough and important enough that you’re willing to try to push through the bad and fix the bad so you can get back there. And I get that it wasn’t worth it to you, but it was to me.

[daviscatessen-archive]

[private]

[daviscatessen-archive]

wait are you serious that is not at all why i left i wasnt even into dc romantically until like a couple months later i left because all we did was bicker and both of us were self conscious of other people that the other hung around and i wasnt happy with the way things were going because you would find little things to get pissed about like how much i worked and the fact that i found time to dye my hair with dc even though that only took three hours and right after i went back home i got fed up with trying to appease you because as soon as things got settled something else would happen or id say something you didnt take the right way and then it would start all over again and i was sick of arguing i just wanted the way things were when we had just started out and it felt like there was trust but it didnt feel like that anymore and i wasnt entirely sure it would get back to that point so i left im not apologizing so you can forgive me so i can feel better because newsflash if you totally let everything i did go and said that it didnt even bother you or whatever the fuck i would still feel like a giant bag of pulsating cocks because that doesnt change what i fucking did and no apology ever will but i fucking sat down and got in my feels and wrote one out because you deserved to hear one from me you deserved to know that i recognized that i was wrong and thats what it was about not my own fucking guilt. i dont give a damn if i feel like shit over it because i deserve to but you shouldnt have to especially if me being upfront and apologizing would help you get past even a fraction of the shit that i caused so if you wanna go and keep thinking that i left you for him and be bitter and pick up your pieces thats fine i hope it goes well for you because im going through my fair share of collecting the shards of my heart and i know its fucking hard so really honestly good luck with it

[contumation]

Really? Because that’s sure as hell not how his boyfriend made it sound when I talked to him. 

I’m not negating that we had problems. Believe me, I was plenty miserable, having to consistently settle for being second-best, second priority, second to him always, at best. Your constant refusal to communicate left me more than heartbroken on any given day. It’s not that you said the wrong things, but the second I found myself insecure and needing reassurance, you were more than happy to throw your hands up and walk away from me, because you gave yourself that right. You never valued me the way I did you, and you still don’t, so you can cut out your self-pitying bullshit. Furthermore, even if you hadn’t done all that, that doesn’t change the fact that you walked away. Justified or not, you were the one that left, not me. 

I could give less of a shit about your heart broken by someone else, and I’m not sorry for my apathy towards your pain at his hand. My empathy and gentleness with you is and always was conditional, conditional on yours with me, and I’m not sorry for that, either. You have to earn that, and you have made it clear that you have no desire in earning any of it back, so you have forever lost the privilege of me treating you with any shred of decency. I’ll spend the energy on people that care enough to give me the same. 

I’d say that I hope you regret talking to me, but I’m sure you don’t, because now you can go back to rationalizing mentally flattening me into nothing more than some bitch ex-girlfriend to make all of this easier on you without having to feel conflicted about it.

[daviscatessen-archive]

[private]

[daviscatessen-archive]

you cant just pick out the marshmallows in the lucky charms apology i just gave you because there are deets in the gross bran triangles that are part of that whole opening up thing besides what did you want your apology coupled with every time you crossed my mind in the last 8 or 9 months because i can do that for you im sure i have at least 200+ anecdotes about times i thought about you and thats not even counting every time i saw anything about tangled or read a poem or saw a fucking rose which by the way happens pretty frequently since im scraping by as a goddamn florist right now

[contumation]

You left me for someone else and made it very clear that you don’t regret that decision. If you did, your words now might have some sort of impact, but you don’t, so they have none. You’re wasting your time. I’m not going to forgive you just so you can feel better about yourself when you look in the mirror. You begged me to trust you, and I did, and this was the repayment I got for it. You have no idea the damage you did, and you don’t care enough to try to repair it. Sure, you aren’t obligated to, and I certainly wouldn’t want you to do it solely out of pity -- but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m not putting myself on the line for your own peace of mind. Allow me to save you some trouble: I have no interest in being your friend so long as I am still left picking up the shards of me that you left behind. 

[daviscatessen-archive]

[private]

[daviscatessen-archive]

[contumation]

Opened up? That’s opening up? Months later, “by the way, I missed you too, in an entirely inconclusive and vague nature, sorry for being an ass”? And you call me the one with trust issues.

[daviscatessen-archive]

[private]

@contumation

alright so like

Keep reading

[contumation]

What exactly do you expect me to say to that? I’m sorry your conscience weighs on you for brushing me off, how hard that must be on you.  If I’m honest, I really have no desire to have this conversation, or any conversation, with you. I can’t see it being anything but counterproductive, and as exciting as it is for me to swallow my pain and feelings so that someone else can sleep easier at night for valuing me less than I them, I don’t believe I’m capable of doing so.

[contumation]

@wwickedspirits replied to your post “@wwickedspirits replied to your post “@wwickedspirits replied to...”

that sounds exciting

It is, actually. It’s been nice.

[caligoascendant]

Me? Bias? I am obviously the most impartial judge when it comes to the high quality of individuals named Elise. I’m additionally the foremost expert and am the  most qualified when it comes to passing judgement without bias. 

[contumation]

Of course. You’ve never been romantically nor sexually involved with anyone of that nature, you are the most impartial judge of Elises that I can think of. 

[contumation]

@wwickedspirits replied to your post “@wwickedspirits replied to your post “@wwickedspirits replied to...”

i dunno says its been nine months so i guess since then my moirails died and im learning magic wwherevve you been

All over the place. I haven’t sit still for months now.  I’m sorry to hear about your moirail. 

[caligoascendant]

It’s how I perceive things.  And so, as far as I know, it is the truth.  And no facts or evidence has appeared to disprove my theories.  As has the continuation of your steady rise of followers indeed assures me. 

[contumation]

Plenty of evidence has arisen to disprove that theory. You simply choose to ignore it. I can’t imagine why, since it’s not as though you may have bias in the matter.

[contumation]

@wwickedspirits replied to your post “@wwickedspirits replied to your post “@caligoascendant replied to...”

hi wwelcome back wwhats up

I wouldn’t know where to start. What have I missed on your end?

[caligoascendant]

It also just happens to be the truth! 

[contumation]

How can you be sure?