Cookin' & Culture

Chef. NYC. Wellness. Travel.

[cookfleurculture]

Trustworthy.

[[Heavy topic warning]]

This week I'm starting to come to terms with how emotionally damaged I am. Well I guess I'm more realizing it than coming to terms with it. It all started with me talking about my apartment and how I wanted to look at furniture and figure out what I need, and a few of my co-workers offered to help (seriously, not just playing nice) and I told them thanks but I'd probably figure it out myself. And the question I got (somewhat aggressively) was "why do you never accept help from other people?" ....honestly I was shocked because I guess I didn't really know that I was that easy to read. Or that anyone actually pays attention to stuff like that. But I just shrugged it off and said I didn't know, and I thought about the answer and all of the reasons for the next 2 days. To be honest the last year of my life has been the biggest change in life for me yet, I have stopped trusting people and I've honestly stopped being there for EVERYONE. I have put up boundaries, maybe too many but it protects me and the life I have created for myself. I do things on my own because as an only child it has always just been me. I learned and did a lot on my own, that's how I was raised. If you want something done then you do it yourself and you work for it. And honestly, the betrayals and let downs in my life have only made that way of life have a stronger presence. A lot of people ask well aren't you lonely? Or that the way of life I have made seems lonely. But I haven't known anything else so I really have nothing to compare it to. The only thing I know is that literally every time I have let someone get close to me I have been hurt so badly; and that to me just isn't worth the company for the time being. That may seem 'lonely' but I have learned that the people in my circle, are absolutely the best people I have ever met and they mean the world to me. Most of them are low key, as we can go days or weeks with not talking but when we do nothing is weird or uncomfortable. It's reliable and loving, and I think the less fake friendships and relationships people have, the more content and steady life is.

[cookfleurculture]

It's been a hot minute! Sorry about it. Life is crazy [in a good way]. I have recently fully taken over the GM position at Baz [while also running the kitchen]. Right, talk about a lot of work and learning. My mentor (boss/owner) is teaching me an insane amount of information and the ins and outs of the restaurant bizz in NYC. Boy is it cray. More than I can even describe in words, the amount of detail and time and behind the scenes work that goes into everything in the restaurant is mind blowing. I haven't blogged because I've been sleeping and moving on my off time (which is slim to none). Putting in about 80 hours a week, but it's not miserable and it doesn't feel like that amount of time, and the amount that I'm learning every day is just mind blowing. It's like the addicting feeling most restaurant junkies and chefs get while working, which I'm sure some of you reading this can relate. Speaking about things other than work... the amount of money I spend on just everything in life is ridiculous. I'm most definitely not used to it yet, and I'm still baffled that I can afford it. I check my bank account a million times a day because it seriously freaks me out. And I think that it's something that not many people talk about seriously when improving their lifestyle because it's uncomfortable. I think it's super important to keep budgeting and figuring out finances in a smart way for yourself, ESPECIALLY when you start making more. I personally, went to my boss about it because she's bomb dot com and I can go to her with anything. But she's very smart financially so I just straight up asked her, hey, how do you get used to making this much!? And how do you organize it? We bust our asses off our entire life basically to make money that I think we need be more ok with asking for help on how to manage it if we need to. I see so many people struggle just because their stuff is unorganized and that should never be the case. So the moral of this post is: if you need help or advice, ask for it. Your pride or ego is not worth losing what you're working for. No matter what you need help with, someone out there has been through it and can help, don't let yourself stop you from more success.

This week has been insane. I literally took the train home, rented a uhaul, emptied my storage unit, drove back to NYC in the middle of the night, slept for 4 hours, hung out with my mom and went back to work.... and I got sick because of it. Really sick for about 3 days. The 3rd day I finally said holy crap I need to go home sick, and I slept all day.. worked for another day (yesterday) and then today is my day off. Thank goodness I'm feeling better because Charlie needs some attention, so we went for a few mile walk through central park this a.m. and then I pulled a total New Yorker move and dropped my laundry off... I'll pick it up later. I'm SO not used to this lifestyle yet. I read a quote recently that said "when you feel tired and uncomfortable and your old life routine doesn't work anymore, you're at a turning point to a better life; the pain and tiredness is temporary; you're only becoming greater". And I TOTALLY relate to this right now... I've never been so mentally challenged and tired. Physically I'm fine, but my brain power is hitting low battery almost every day from new life, new job, learning non stop. But that's good, and sometimes it's hard to remember that so I've been writing my goals down lately. I read them to remind myself that when I'm tired or frustrated that this is what my end goal is and that all of what I'm learning and working towards is worth it. I mean right now I'm literally the head of a restaurant. That's crazy to me. But insanely amazing and a huge goal of mine. And not only did I reach that goal, but Im doing it in NYC. So excuse me while I toot my own horn for a minute, but it just goes to show that discipline and determination and changing your life for the better are truly all worth it 💯

[cookfleurculture]

Moving Day [Part 1].

I finally feel like I've found my home in NYC. The last 2 months have been beyond exhausting and more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. I just had like an epiphany moment of self realization and realized that I needed to write it down before it was gone. So... I'm packing up my small room that I've been renting [I like to think of it as my starter space in nyc] - it didn't ever really feel like home because it's in someone else's house. Makes sense right? But as im moving all of my stuff I was getting nervous about the new stuff like higher rent and more space to take care of after work and finding time to get home to Rochester to get my dog (YAHS FINALLY) & things and I realized that im literally stripping away such a good moment from myself.... YES it is scary, YES it will be moving and working on moving on my days off from work, YES it will take more effort to keep life going, BUT that is how we upgrade our lives. I literally had to tell myself to stop feeling guilty and sad for moving. I worked (busted my asssss offffff) in order to make enough to live the way I want and do. There's no need or room in life to feel guilty for the things that we work for. I'm not sure why I always feel guilty when good things happen to me, this last year I've really just been allowing myself to be selfish in working towards the things that I want out of life and I think that that's where it comes from. I know that some of my family wants me back home in upstate, I know that other jobs have reached out to me to come back and new ones in NYC to start working for them, and other people asking to be roommates, the list goes on and on. But I'm learning to say no to the things that don't benefit me. FINALLY. I used to work myself to the effing ground for other people and jobs that I wasnt even enjoying doing.... like that's how messed up my thought process in life was. And the sad part is that that process is very common among working adults. I'm not saying its easy or comfortable to start thinking and teaching yourself new ways of thinking but I am telling you it is worth it. If you stop and actually process your emotions throughout the day and take time to recognize why you think and feel the way you do, you can then teach yourself what actually makes you happy and make more time for it 💯 so out with old and in with the new, I have to get back to packing.

[cookfleurculture]

Hey Hey it's been awhile; at least it feels like it. So I pulled the trigger on apartment hunting for my first NYC real apartment and have found and landed an approval for one. This is definitely a huge move for me as I have ALL of my stuff in Rochester still in storage, because honestly when I left for Paris I didn't really know where I wanted to move or live. This move for me is kind of setting in stone where I want to live the rest of my life I believe, at least for awhile. So Upper East Side here I come, Charlie is invited too 😍 THANK GOD BECAUSE I MISS MY DOG MORE THAN YOU KNOW. I will be moving little by little this month until my current lease is up and hopefully the transition will be smooth. I hope to get home for a day or 2 to pack a uhaul and move everything to NYC the end of this, or next month. Anyways, my broker JUST texted me with my confirmation of the apartment coming off the market which means it's all mine as soon as I sign the papers. Pictures for sure to come ASAP! 😊

[cookfleurculture]

"Reset. Readjust. Restart. As many times as you need to in life."

-Anonymous

Haven't updated in awhile; and it's because I've been working like crazy these last 2 weeks. I have officially taken, settled in and started really liking my new job. It's definitely my first "big girl job", running the kitchen and managing, co-managing the whole enchilada with another person, including non-stop catering on top of regular service. I'm ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED. But I am learning a ridiculous amount of the business/finance aspects behind the restaurant business as well as managing the kitchen and recipe testing. There's always a million things to do and get done but the business itself is so successful and the kitchen will be up to where I think it needs to be in 2 more weeks [that's my goal anyways]. So far I'm pretty much killing it. **Hallelujah** the work is non stop, including but not limited to buying flours across NYC for new catering orders and throwing all of the bags in an uber at 7:30 at night, along with many other ridiculous and random tasks that have and will continue to occur. The hours are crazy non stop but it's so worth it. I'm excited to keep learning and keep working, the team I have is awesome and beyond grateful to have me on board with them which speaks so much for me. It reminds me that I'm successful at what I'm doing and actually training my line cooks how to be better and more efficient. Bettering a business with an owner that is beyond bom dot com: her, myself and the other manager are a really close knit group of girls running the joint and were doing it really well so far. I haven't posted much because other than being busy I have been struggling to stay positive. Which probably sounds weird right now, but starting a new job with a new salary and new people and tasks is all very stressful with a lot of change which I handle better now but still struggle with. I'm definitely starting to save for my own studio apartment, aiming for May but we will see. I think realistically I should wait until july but every bone in my body just wants to go for broke and have my own place again, mostly because I need my dog. I miss him soo so so so much it's heart breaking honestly. Thank goodness my living situation now is awesome, my roommate is a successful and rising film producer and her and I still get along really well, we kind of have the same vibe of non stop work to make it in our industries. Which is really good for living with each other because neither of us are ever even home ha. With that being said, my butt has to be at work at 4:30 so I need to be up at 3:30 so I'm definitely going to bed ASAP. BUT ALL IN ALL: I'm making big girl money at a big girl job in the industry I love with an AWESOME team and mentor 🖤 ta ta for now; back to Baz 🥯 in the A.M.🖤

[cookfleurculture]

National Day of Unplugging

National Day of Unplugging is an annual 24-hour digital detox from technology. If you spend too much time on your phone, get a free cell pho

Happy national day of unplugging! I encourage you all to take some time away from technology and back to your basics. For me it's honestly perfect timing as I am back to the drawing board and to square one with interviews and trails. I've decided that I'm just going to take my time and find a healthy, feel good, busy place. I definitely have my own must haves and deal breakers but I think that's a good thing. I'm not going to ramble on because I truly want to unplug as much as possible today and encourage you to do the same! 🍃🌎

[cookfleurculture]

Depression Days

I've tried to write this post about 6 times now. These past few days have been rough for me with a hit of depression, which probably came from self pressure. I always expect the best outcome and for me to make every thing work, to the best of my ability. And when things don't work out or go a different direction then I planned I get heavy on myself. And what I mean by that is that every move and decision and thought becomes heavy to me. It's like everything I do when I'm in this mind set weighs 20 more pounds on my mental decision making, just slowing everything down. And I'm writing this, even though I almost did not, because I think it's really important to share our flaws, failures, and setbacks with each other. I do it to remind those that are going through similar tough days or weeks, times or bad moments in their life that they are not alone. Not a single person on this planet has only good days, and that's important to remember when you're in a negative spot. I'm not sure I would call where I'm at negative, most people wouldn't classify living in NYC and leaving a job for another, a negative space to be in. Being unemployed and not having a home would be a negative space to be in, at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself. But me and my perfectionist self can't take a loss easily. I can admit that. I can admit that it's REALLY hard for me to walk away from something that doesn't work out. What I THOUGHT would be a perfect job ended up being a miserable work place. But at least I recognized it and could move on, I couldn't do that before. I would have ignored all red flags and kept on going til I was stuck 3 years later... and maybe next time I won't have a depression spell because the next thing doesn't work out. I think that's growth, at least I hope it is.

For me it's really hard to think positive when I'm hit with depression. Like i have to literally put in energy and thought into thinking more positively all day. And to see the good even in awkward or negatively feeling place. What I can learn from this? How do I move on from this? How do I use this to be better tomorrow? These are things I try to talk myself through as I'm battling. Which I will continue to do until I feel better. I take losses hard. I'm a really sore and stubborn loser, especially when it comes to things I put a lot of thought and energy into. But you can't let setbacks become permanent because that makes you defeated. That allows your setbacks to win and your dreams to lose. I read something today that said "you can either sleep with your dreams or you can go chase them, only one makes them come true". I take this quite literally today as I fight off sleeping and crying all day. Dear lord I'm hard on myself, I put so many unrealistic expectations on myself that when I don't meet them in an unrealistic timeline I feel defeated. Which is ironic because Im really just mentally setting myself up for it, which is a pattern that im always working on trying to break. This week I failed at that, next time hopefully I can be nicer to myself 🖤

If this post seems scrambled, that's because my brain is scrambled. It's really hard for me to put together full ideas and thought processes when I'm in a depression, but I thought think it's important to share that with people because it's REAL. It's not the pretty shit we see on the internet of 'how I dealt with depression' or '3 ways to overcome some bullshit' kind of post. It's my brain and the way it works when it's in a funk and slumped out. Yet again I'm writing this so that other people going through rough patches are reminded they are not alone, depression is unfortunately normal these days and in my generation and worsening in the next. We need to be there for each other and be kind to each other, always 🖤.

Here's to feeling better soon (hopefully). 😊

[cookfleurculture]

“Indecision is a Decision”

Okay. So this is my topic for writing this post. I have been given beyond the amount of opportunity that I was mentally prepared for.. and I really need to refocus and remind myself of my top priorites while looking for my next career move since it’s such a freaking large one. This includes walking away from really big names that I have only dreamt of working for, but truth is, you can’t stage everywhere just based off the name. Basically, don’t judge a book by it’s cover (title in this scenario). So far, my most “fitting” and loved places are JoJo and High Street on Hudson. Both amazing owners, French style (Jojo more than High St. but able to make some creative moves), and feel homey to me so far. I have been reinvited to both for stage, and to just cook with the people that make up each team. I have decided to focus on these 2 and to let others go, with the exception of possibly making time for a stage at Aquavit... because well duh. Not french, but Norwegian/Swedish so it does represent my own heritage and it’s female run, another big plus in my book. With all of this being processed, it means that I have to decline and walk away from solid job offers already given to me in order to take a chance at more fitting options (scary shit let me tell you, NYC rent is cray and nobody has time to go grocery shopping). So this week (tomorrow after my stage) I will be saying goodbye to Tuome, CUT, The Lamb’s Club, possible the Luxemburg, Comparti and a few others. Names like Jean-Fraser, Geoffrey Zakarian, Wolfgang Puck, Thomas Chen. It’s insane to me that I have to be like sorry guys but it isn’t a great fit, to people that I have admired and learned from for years by watching and studying every chance I’ve had while not being actually at work. (Being self-taught means literally working towards being better and following and learning new trends and techniques all of the time. Like legit NONSTOP). So basically after my first round of interviews, becoming beyond overwhelmed and going for a run, taking a nap and listening to some advice & love from all of you guys; I have decided that I need to make cuts and move on to the next round of interviews and decision making. With this rate i’m thinking I will have a decision by the end of the week. When I decided to make this move I told myself I need a job by th 8th of Februray, I don’t really know why I put that time limit on myself but I did... probably my old habits resurfacing. So i’ve kicked that idea to the curb and am just going to see where it goes even if it takes a few extra days. But I’m feeling pretty good, and better now that my decisions have become more refined and tailored to myself. I need to remember that even with all of these celeb status chefs that I am still doing this for ME so I need to find MY best mentor. & after tonights self reflection/knife sharpening session I feel good about where I’m at and what is in store for this week :) Thanks for listening guys! Keep the good vibes coming! 

[cookfleurculture]

Here We Go

-Me

Holy shit I'm gonna' be sick. Its 5am and I have my first 2 interviews today. My plan is to go somewhere quiet, maybe the library or a starbucks right after to go over notes (if I have any that is, if I'm offered any position(s) that is). I'm really excited but terrified as well ha. But mostly I'm surprised by myself, that I've come to terms with the fact that this is really the life I have chosen. The non stop working, career and self before everything life... like this is me were talking about. The girl that used to fill her life with all things girly, pink, boys, gossip, popularity contest type of things. The last 2 years have brought such change to my life I'm still in shock over it. I'm so damn proud of myself, for getting myself to this point, to even have landed the interviews that I have today. I'm not even gonna name drop until later in the week because believe me IT'S INSANE and I still have NO IDEA how I'm not going to fan girl all over these people. [Kidding, kind of]. I feel like my world is at such a calm yet crazy place. Like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, so even though I have ball park 10 (and growing) interviews this week, I'm extremely calm as much as I am nervous. I'm nervous in the regards to not picking/choosing the right mentor, not as in I don't think I won't get a job (which is also possible but not a source of this nervousness). But I'm nervous to all the newness happening. I'm extremely calm in the sense of knowing that I'm in the right space for my career, the right city, mindset, physical state, all of it. Like I'm ready for it (and bring it on). But I'm nervous about my ability to remain humble as well as confident. I always lack confidence and there's literally no room for that going into this week, but I also need to remain in the balance of humble and confident: willing to learn and know that I have so much to learn but also know that I am already a great chef with a lot of knowledge. It's such a fine line and I guess I'm nervous I will do these interviews and not find a place that matches my culinary capacity, which is why I've scheduled and accepted so many this week. In reality (and how I keep myself sane) I tell myself, well in less than 12 hours you'll have done 2 interviews. So it is what it is. No pressure, just time passing, you have meetings and then your day is over. No biggie just 12 hours of time and you'll be done. I don't know why this makes me calm but it does, I guess it works because I tell myself, well what else are you gonna do with your time? Sit on your ass & eat bon bons and not do your interviews? (And yes this is really the way I think/talk to myself daily ha). But so all of my research is done for the morning and I'm mentally prepared, well as much as possible; and I just need to get ready and go, hopefully not take the wrong subway or bus haha because that's definitely a possibility with my skill set not including sense of direction in Manhattan 🍎. But so all I ask is send positive vibes my way if you've got the time to do so! & I'll update later this week.

[cookfleurculture]

“Travel makes one modest. You see what a tiny place you occupy in the world.” -Gustav Flaubert

Ugh Travel Days. Checking out, public transportation, people EVERYWHERE, airport food, yellow gross indoor industrial lighting that give me migraines.

Right. So tips I have come up with: lately I've reduced everything in life. So my number tip is pack light. Why? Because when you're exhausted after your trip and on your way home, the last thing you want to do is haul the 5 extra shirts and jeans, shoes, etc that you didn't even wear on your trip around the airport. When you pack, take away 2 of everything. Literally 2. Trust me on this. Obviously longer trips call for more but pack smart not like a fashion model. You won't be seeing the same people everyday so who cares about your reworn outfit? No one.

Travel size everything. It sounds wasteful but do you really need to pack that last bit of lotion, soap or toothpaste for home? Most likely not. This will also make your life easier while unpacking because you won't have random little things to put away. If there's less than 1/4 of a bottle left, chuck it before you head home.

Clothes for travel. Comfy. Not cute. Comfy. Especially long international. Obviously if you can swing both go for it. I usually go for fashion/black printed yoga pants or comfy jeans and a plain black shirt. Spill something? Can't see it. Sweating from running through the airport & being overcrowded everywhere? Can't tell.

Always carry hair ties (if needed), charger for phone, 20$ cash, passport/I.D., advil, and my personal favorite, face wipes. [I probably wash my face off 20 times on travel days and I use these wipes for freaking everything: my arm rests, hands, when I scuff my shoes, tablet screen wipes, right. Everything].

Organize everything you need to your one personal bag. Going in and out of multiple bags literally drives me nuts. Pack what you need for the plane into your one personal item, check or put everything else above, this also gives you more room on the plane and less chance to lose anything from rummaging while in the airport.

Screenshot all of your flight and travel info, and organize it in your phone gallery so it's easy to access. Directions to the airport, cost for transportation, flight info, any contact numbers you may need. Put it all in the same photo album in your phone so it's easy access and you dont have to find your email from 2 months ago when you booked the trip.

Water bottles: personally I'm a green freak and I love the environment but this really is the one time I opt for the plastic bottles. Over priced and not green friendly but my go to. I can't stand carrying an empty water bottle which then I have to fill from a water fountain that I just watched a 6 year old rub his face all over or something gross along those lines. I just want one bottle that keeps me hydrated, that I can take whatever medicine I need (typically excedrin or advil: I say carry 2 of each while traveling, you don't need a whole freaking bottle on you, remember minimal everything).

The last tip I have is to open and get rid of all packaging before you leave. New toothpaste, chapstick, international chargers and what not ALL come in annoying packaging that you don't need to deal with on the road and just takes up room in your bag. Undo it all before you leave and you'll thank me later :)

[cookfleurculture]

Confession: When I Was About 6ish Years Old I Stared At the Chrysler Building From My Hotel Room & Cried For a Hot Minute.

Yup. That happened and my mother can tell you all about it. But I'm telling you this now because a dream of mine, moving and living in NYC is about to come true. In 3 days I'm Au Revoir Paris and Heyo East Village. I can't tell you what made me finally mentally prepared for this move but I'm glad I am. For a chef, you don't just move before you're ready, because it's THE move that you make. Like the one, the go get em, put everything you've got, make connections, step up your game, make it or freaking break it. Which is why it's so intimidating, and why I believe so many chefs never make the move (of course this applies to other foodie cities: LA, Charleston, Boston and others edging their way up the list). I'm excited and nervous for the stage and trails I have set up, with their big names and companies I have only dreamt of working for/with. Chefs with awards that I hope to hold some day, but I can't even begin to explain how nervous I am. Not exactly for the cooking interviews part of this, but more for am I going to get in or make the right choice as to who I work for. Will I pick the right mentor, will the right mentor want me in their kitchen? Will I bomb the interview that I want to work out the most? This is all a mental game for me. Me vs My Anxiety/Perfectionism/OCD, as literally ALL of my past line cooks and co workers will tell you. I always struggle with keeping my cool, but I also work really well when I'm stressed out just enough. Because I have learned to control it for the most part. So these next 2 full days in Paris will be filled with studying techniques and coming up with bites and plats to make for stages. You always need at least 1, 1 go to and a back up just in case and probably variations of both isn't a bad idea now that I'm thinking of it. But mostly I'm going to pepare mentally. To get to the place of my own chill. Where I let everything go and just freakin' cook. Because that's truly when I do best. Sure when I'm anxiety prone I get more done because I'm quicker to get it all done, but my quality takes a hit because of that; & I'd rather spend the extra 2 minutes on a dish to make it perfection in these kitchens. I'm truly excited to meet these chefs, I'm definitely a little celebrity high right now and I'm hoping it goes away before I ring the service door for my first interview. I definitely don't want to be all gushy and come off as a kiss ass and I'm awful at trying to hide it. My face reads and gives away everything, I blame my mother for that (sorry but you know it's true). Speaking of my mother, I cannot tell you in words how truly grateful I am for her. It's been her and me since day 1. Even when good ole Paulie came into the picture our best friendship didn't suffer, he actually helped us get through some really rough teen years of mine. I've never been so grateful and so just damn happy to have these people in my life. They are my best friends, my go-tos, my rocks, and as I've grown I can definitely say that I've become a rock for them when needed too. I do this and chase my dreams so hard because of them. They have taught me to go after them, just like every parent teaches their kid to go after what they want. But my moms passion behind wanting me to TRULY have happiness in what I do and love every day is why I can push and fight so hard for this. Without her I would not have the guts or will to do so. So this one, is partially for her. And I just want to thank you momma from the bottom of my heart and with every bone in my body. Thank you for always pushing me and allowing me to make such big dreams and moves come true. You are my best friend and the real MVP 🖤 love you bigger than the sky & bigger than the ocean. See you in New York 🗽

[cookfleurculture]

One Can Be Forgetful.

I literally keep FORGETTING that I'm moving to NYC. In literally 6 freaking days, I'll be leaving Paris 🖤 and moving into a lovely, way too small, east village walk up and I couldn't be more excited (and nervous). I'm basically putting everything on the line and going for broke here. I have a few interviews and trails set up, food handlers test (which hopefully I'll pass because I can't sit through the part 1 online/tests again 😴) , and a few bags of clothes packed and a knife roll. Sounds about right, sounds very 'me' like. Which is good. I'm writing this because I needed time to check in with myself today. Make sure the moves I'm making are being done for me and not for anyone or anything else, making sure that these moves ACTUALLY help me and progress me to my end goals. We forget to do that in life. We go day by day and forget what were actually doing and what we actually want, for OURSELVES. Not what your job needs from you, nor society or even your family, yep. I said it. Because ya can't pour coffee from an empty pot people. Trust me! I've tried, for years and years. The typical people pleaser. Guess where that got me? Stressed out, way too underweight, couldn't gain a pound, miserable, hating myself, wondering why I'm not good enough. The list is endless. But guess what? So are your choices. So cut the crap and b.s. excuses you're making right now, like today that enable you to continue on with your mediocre/slightly miserable life style if you're stuck in one. And start doing things that bring YOU happiness; that help YOU get to your end goal and dreams. They don't have to be big or crazy outgoing, they can be simple. Drink more water, get to the gym (or even just start by going for a walk outside), get healthier food in your house, check your closet & get rid of those skinny jeans that have been haunting you for 4 years now. Because BYYEEE. Nobody needs that reminder and I GUARANTEE you that the size of those jeans is seared into your brain anyways, so if you ever do get to that point of fitness and health, you can celebrate by going to get a NEW pair. But really if you're having difficulty taking things away from yourself like candy after dinner (that's definitely mine) try ADDING SOMETHING POSITIVE instead. Like more water and walks and calling someone you need to catch up with. Trust me. It feels good to do so. So by adding all of these positive things to your life you start becoming better. Because when you take care of you, you take care of your surroundings and it's literally a world wide domino effect. So go do it up. And make your changes for today 🖤

Mine include ADDING a new calendar/journal because I have way too many 'things' to keep track of currently and it's giving me a headache. So what do we do? Eliminate the headache. In my case it's getting outside, going for walk to find a bookstore, getting an organizer, finding a coffee shop and going to town with some new pens. I know, my nerd is showing. With all of that being said, I hope some of it stuck with you and will help you get through your day, and transition into a daily reminder to check yourself.

🖤 XO -Al.

[cookfleurculture]

The Focaccia 'Za. I've bragged about it so let me tell ya about it. As soon as you walk into Les Bes Feuilles marketplace you are hit with smell of baking yeast and flour. Every inch of the marketplace including the clothing stores smells beyond wonderful as the chefs are baking right in front of you all day at Pain Paul. [Thank you to them, as our noses appreciate your hard work and kneeding]. What I LOVE about this pizza is the how the French do it. They say Hey, we need to get rid of this ingredient so we put it on your pizza and you're gonna love it, please trust us on this. See we do this in the restaurant industry in the states, but we UPCHARGE & sell it as SPECIAL and highlight it by making it the item of the night and pretend it's better than all the other items on the menu. See the difference here? The French almost ask the consumer to parktake in the movement of minimizing waste and take responsibility for ordering too much of something, by discounting it by ,50€ and being honest with the customer. Where as in America we upcharge and tell you it's better and new and you HAVE to try it because we're genius chefs that came up with it just this morning. When in reality I walked into the walk and said well damn there's 5 cases of freaking asparagus and I have to use it before it's unusable. I have come to love this about the French, the honesty in the way they do things. All things. To the consumer, with each other, the morale of the city of Paris is ridiculously high. The homeless lady on the side street to my apartment has regulars that talk to her just to see how she is doing, sometimes they offer a few euros if they have it, not always though. It's just an upfront and honest exchange from local to local 🇫🇷 .

[cookfleurculture]

Bonjour de Champs-Elysées.

Overwhelming first day in Paris. If you've studied psychology, you might know of a phrase called "being on". It refers to your mental state when your surroundings are all new. It's exhausting because your mind and body don't know how to coordinate with each other and it's an adrenaline rush for some, including myself. I'm writing this from the freaking fanciest McDonald's I've ever seen on avenue de Champs-Elysées. I walked to the Eiffel tower this morning and then to the Arc de Triomphe, which has this avenue on the round about. Anyways, McDonald's in Paris right? You're thinking what the actual hell Alexandra?! [excusez moi française, littéralement]. But it was something I recognized after being out of my comfort zone for exactly 24 hours. And it's warm, and I desperately needed cheap American tasting coffee. Judge me for it, je m'en fous. That's french for whatever, I don't care.

I've noticed so far that I am very content. Which is great, because at this point in my life it's what I look for as I am beyond over the highs and lows, roller coaster emotions and moods type of life. I have noticed that I get in this mentality when I'm in big cities, more than I am at home or in Florida surprisingly (and unfortunately because you can't beat that weather). But I'd rather sit and write this from McDonald's than sit on the beach, or be in pajamas at home in Rochester. Sad because of the huge local support system, but literally I'm nothing but misérable there. My airbnb here is the definition of Parisian living. Small, simple, minimalist. My way of living. So I'm beyond loving it so far. I like being in the "on mode" kind of mentality. Although I figured out the metro pretty quickly which I was impressed by. My goal is to not have to pay for transportation frequently here, as most locals walk and take the metro or bus only as needed as well, I'm trying to mimic that, most walk quickly and for a long time (few miles a day/typical city living and moving). So far I'm finding my way around pretty well. I get confused a little bit when there are more than 3 roads connecting at a stop (which happens a lot here ha.) But the street signs are the buildings not on posts so they are quite easy to follow if you know which one to pick... other than I love the way of life here and culture, everything seems simplified, except for the driving because holy shit. Worse than NYC. I can't watch traffic without tensing my entire body.

Today I'm thinking of going to musée l'homme, which is museum of the man. They currently have an asian inspired exhibit on bamboo and how it influenced architecture and textiles, they also have a study room which looks cozy and warm.

Not sure what I'm doing for dinner yet, however there is a marketplace right across my apartment that has 3 petits pâtisseries. One has focaccia pizza that I've stared at every time I've walked by it so I'm guessing that will be my go to unless I decide to really go out. I'm not comfortable yet eating alone at an actual table which TOTALLY SUCKS & is pissing me off. All the locals freaking do it and here I am stuck in my American head thinking you loser, eating alone out to dinner. I'll get over it soon, probably when I'm hangry and give up somewhere randomly but hey it is what it is.

So for now that's all I've got; je vous tiens au courant.

[cookfleurculture]

[To New York or Not]

So. I leave for Paris tomorrow, life changing in more than one way. Not only am I going to learn more about French cuisine and culture and see a ridiculous amount of tourist and local faves, I'm also planning my next move. Shocker. The over planner has a plan for after her plan. My way of thinking explained is that I set 3 or 4 options for myself all with the same end goal, but different ways of getting there. They usually vary in degree of risk and outcome. So leaving for paris, I could 1-enjoy time there and come home as scheduled and either go back to ACL or study at MCC for business and work as well. 2-go to Paris and job hunt, with the intention of landing a job and applying for a Visa and moving to Paris for a year. 3-apply for jobs in NYC before leaving, apartment hunt and move to the city as soon as I land.... bing bing bing. Number 3 [it was not an actual lightbulb go off effect, it was a don't/cant sleep, hey whats my next move gonna be, check your email 1000 times an hour, keep begging for apartments and job interviews type of effect]. And so I've landed not only a super crammed apartment in west village, but also a few interviews the first week I'm back. I will be dead ass broke. Working non stop. And probably the most stressed out yet happiest I've ever been... but we'll see. All of this comes with huge risk, not only money but mentally. Can I do this? Do I have what it takes as a chef to make it in the city with names like Colicchio, Keller & Guarnaschelli on restaurants? Do I go through life never knowing? That's a whole other risk.... and I can't really go through life not knowing that answer. So I signed a lease. Yuupppp. Just now. I won't be returning to the Roc, unfortunately and I will be job hunting from West Village Manhattan. I'm not getting on my last flight... it hasn't really hit me yet. I need to remember this moment, this moment of growth and uncertainty out of my comfort zone. But with so much potential its just a matter of what I do with ut and how hard I work for it. So Bonjour Paris & NYC. Au revoir Rochester.

[cookfleurculture]

Traveling Bleu.

But seriously, who gets depressed before they go on a trip?.... me apparently. Maybe not depressed but definitely a mental relapse in stress & over thinking. So anyways, a few months ago I booked a 5 day trip to Paris. As I was reading and planning, I honestly just felt the urge to apply for a visa to France. I wanted to stay, seriously though I was down for it, have enough money, ready to go. Problemo. I waited too long and wouldn't have my passport back in time for my original trip. So instead of applying for the long visa, I'm just taking advantage of the fact that you can stay in France for up to 90 days without a visa. So I ditched my original flight home and added on 2ish weeks to my trip.... right kind of crazy but hey, between air bnb gift cards, cheap flights after searching for hours and a hostel later I have my trip planned. The only problem is I keep feeling almost heart broken over the fact that I will have to come home. I know, that sounds awful and weird. But it's honest. So the last 2 days I've really been thinking and contemplating what to do and where to go with this. I've planned some parts of my trips but mostly left it open to just check out all of the neighborhoods as I want to and just hang out in Paris for half a month to feel it out. The timing is actually pretty spot on for returning to work for ACL as I will be back in the states beginning of February. If I don't make any drastic decisions to make my trip longer that is. Anyways, my brain is all sorts of twisted up currently. Im SO freaking excited. I can't even begin to imagine the people I will meet, what I will discover, what museums I'll love & hate. There will definitely be a lot of blogging. I'll probably be homesick and crying at the Eiffel Tower or something by myself. Guarenteed to happen, knowing my ridiculous self. But I truly hope to walk away from this experience with so much more than what I go into it with. Im staying in 3 different arrondissements so it will DEFINITELY be diversified (for all that know me, duh). But I think mostly this has taught me how much I've grown this year, that I don't need to force and plan everything to perfection and down to the second. I'm just letting my surroundings and gut feelings of this trip take me where it should.... (ask me a year ago if I could travel like that and I would've laughed at you while death gripping a compass and a map with 5 different highlighters. Seriously anxiety driven). But I need to be grateful and proud of myself for coming this far personally. And I need to take that attitude and use it. In FREAKING PARIS. And I will. So from spontaneously planning a small trip, to applying for a visa, to settling for what is reasonable, I've come down to the last few days in the states... and I seriously need to start packing. I will write again from Paris, (actually probably from the airport first).

🖤🗼

[cookfleurculture]

"2019, Do Not Write the Same Chapter Over & Over Again."

-me.

On my way down I listened to Girl Wash Your Face, let me to tell you that Rachel Hollis and I have waayyyy too much in common. It's kind of creepy sometimes honestly. With that being said, her book was outstanding but most importantly it was uncomfortable in such a good way. She reminds us that life is only lived once, and YOU decide literally EVERY SINGLE DAY what you are going to do with yours. YOU and only you CHOOSE all day every day what happens to your life. Yes, there are accidents and events and tragedies along the way that are unplanned, but how you react and how much energy and time is spent on them is YOUR decision. You can choose to make excuses, you can choose to be in a shitty mood because someone else fucked you over, you can choose to sabotage yourself and relationships and SELF GROWTH, you can choose a whole lot of negative bullshit. Or you can choose to do something about your life, that's good and kind and brings you and other people happiness and contentment, love, smiles, experiences, travel, good health, you name it. In the end what happens to you is in your own hands and decision making. I chose 13 months ago to be exact to get sober, stop sabotaging myself and negative ways in life. I ditched the make up, and hair dying and all the other fake shit [I will admit that I wear mascara for special occasions]. I chose this because the amount of money and time I was spending on it was ridiculous. I literally remember doing my make up while having a glass of wine and thinking THIS MONEY COULD BE SPENT ON TRAVEL. Seriously. Think about how much money you'd have for the things you dream of doing if you stopped spending it on things society makes you feel obligated to have or do. And that might not be make up and champagne for you it could be literally anything. But the point is to recognize what they are for you and to make the changes in order to better your life. This year, I'm writing this blog from my family's beach condo while I'm also planning my trip to Paris in 2 weeks. But that didn't happen over night... I quit my job, moved out of my apartment, moved into a traveling chef career in the middle of freaking Mississippi and srarted saving every penny I busted my ass off for. The point behind that is that I recognized what I needed in my life in order to feel fulfilled and happy and genuine in my actions. You can't preach health and motivation to others while staying in your own comfort zone, so I changed. Into everything that I needed to. And damn was I scared, but more excited honestly. And once you make one change, usually a small one at first, you start to feel OBLIGATED to continue making these changes. And you will keep pushing yourself into a better life for YOU, not your mom or boss, husband, girlfriend, grandfather, or whoever, YOU will do this for you because it's your time and your life and your obligation to your happiness and self.

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