I thought I wasn't so shy..

I feel too much and say too little. Here's me in the midst of so many other loud minds hoping that my scattered thoughts might resonate with your heart. Gimme some love if you happen to drop by.. :'3

[cookiesforlailaplease]

Mumbles from a restless night.

I'm in bed, but not in the conventional way I suppose. A pillow beneath my head and a blanket to cover myself, no no, none of that. Today is a little different. Today you're not home. I'm tossing and turning. Now I've got one leg dangling off the side of the matress and my toes moving along my pillows. There's one less person here but the house sure feels heavy. I feel heavy. Now I've curled myself against a pillow. I can't even recall when I began to imagine it was you. I wish you were here to touch me, to lift me up and to hold me. I wish you'd be here to whisper to me, giggle into my ears and run your finger tips along my bare skin. My eyes are so heavy but they won't close. If you were here, it'd be different. If you were here, perhaps I'd finally sleep.

[ambermaitrejean]

[cookiesforlailaplease]

Oh yes.. :')

[cookiesforlailaplease]

"But gravity differs from affection: Only one is constant."

- Turtles All The Way Down by John Green

[cookiesforlailaplease]

Things not to think before bed.

Nothing around you makes sense, none of it. It's gibberish.

Day after day you still pretend like you understand, like you can comprehend. There is no end to the pretending, until you start to believe it yourself. All this time you've hated how nothing anyone says or does holds any logic. And now, look at yourself.

You're a xerox copy, a clone, just like the rest. Synchronization is simpler than pushing against the tide. Why fall down when you still have the option to keep standing?

So don't try to make sense of anything anymore--just blend in with the crowd. And hope that someone, anyone, still remembers that everything is chaos.

[cookiesforlailaplease]

Journal entry .009

Bruh.

It shouldn't even be called a writer's block for me. It should be called writer's constipation instead. It happens in several phases but in the end there's just an empty notebook for months at a time.

Ugh my whole life is constipated.

Yeah man, I know that wasn't fun to read. Maybe I'll do better next time.

[cookiesforlailaplease]

"Everything I do

The way I wear my noose

Like a necklace

I wanna make 'em scared

Like I could be anywhere

Like I'm reckless

I lost my mind

I don't mind

Where's my mind?

Where's my mind?"

- Bellyache by Billie Eilish +_+

[cookiesforlailaplease]

Journal entry .008

There's a rebel trapped in my mind. I won't lie to myself; I'm too much of a coward to let her out. So that hardly leaves me with two options. Either I ruin all that I thought I had made of myself...or simply mute the screaming rebel.

Unfortunately, I guess it's not that simple after all.

[cookiesforlailaplease]

In an alternate universe.

Let's make our own solar system. Let's put Pluto first and arrange everything else by color. Then we can make our own Earth, our own little world. It'll be just you and me. We'll turn out the lights and make everything black and white. We'll lay on bare ground on bare backs and watch the night sky. We'll climb mountains and bathe in waterfalls. When there's no one else, there will be nothing to keep us from each other. And for once, there will be nothing that we're afraid of.

[cookiesforlailaplease]

Journal Entry .007

The goal was always to be effortless; effortlessly beautiful, effortlessly successful. Hard work is for people that believe in themselves. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those.

[cookiesforlailaplease]

My thoughts are heavy, they weigh me down.

I don't like watching movies. I think they mess with my mind. They make me feel too much and daydream far more than I already do. Like? I just watched some sort of a British series and now I'm reading everything that I'm typing in that accent. The feeling engulfs me and overwhelms me. It doesn't last for long. Sometimes I wish it did, then maybe I could manipulate its effect to actually get something done. Instead, there are just these invisible bags of sand holding me, keeping me from doing anything at all.

[cookiesforlailaplease]

Journal Entry .006

I suppose I'm bound to be a klutz when I walk in one world but live in another.

[cookiesforlailaplease]

Thoughts in the midst of smoke.

My insides are filled with endless words. Sometimes I feel like I could burst. The letters stack on top of one another and try to seep their way out of my pores. With a pencil in hand, the corner of my palm rests on the lines of my notebook. I try to jot down my jumbled thoughts. But before they can find their place on paper, they just seem to evaporate and float off into air. They leave no trace and leave me feeling nothing but restless.

[cookiesforlailaplease]

♬♬♬

[cookiesforlailaplease]

Dear time,

What is this relation we share?

Are you my friend or are you a foe? When I tell you to slow down, you begin to race. When I tell you that I cannot bear the wait, you just go at your own steady pace.

What is this relation we share?

You don't listen to me, nor do I pay heed to you. All I wish is to be free from your pain. Instead here we are, tied limb to limb in these unbreakable chains.

What is this relation we share?

They say you wish me well, but all you've done is put me through hell.

[cookiesforlailaplease]

Journal Entry .005

I don’t think getting angry is a way of showing affection.

[cookiesforlailaplease]

Journal Entry .004

People express themselves with singing, dancing, painting.. Some even have the luxury of anger. They just yell, smash and throw everything around until they feel better.

And then there's me: no exit portal no help button. Leaving me with stacks and piles of unattended feelings.

"Let it go", they say. But how?

[cookiesforlailaplease]

Because you asked,

"What are we besides this?".

We're everything. We are meals that are no longer silent. We are quick naps. We are loud music and soft. We are hot coffees, cold cokes and burning cigarettes. We are midnight conversations and late night mumbles. We are entangled fingers in the middle of roads. We are tummy jokes and tickle fights. We are unspoken thoughts. We are innocent dreams. We are fear. We are laughter. We are love.

We are so much more than what it seems, can't you see?