Inside my fractured mind

A blog for all my random thoughts and somewhere to document my mental health journey.

[cookiesmind]

Christmas Eve

I think I have found a sliver of Christmas spirit and I am hanging onto it for dear life. It's growing as the day goes on. It started seeing my 8 year olds face light up when she opened her Christmas Eve box from the elves this morning, She took out her little gingerbread shaped hot chocolate cup and asked if she could have hot chocolate for breakfast. Instantly she said no thinking that's what I was going to say but then I said yes and she gave me a huge cuddle. These are the moments that pick me up and keep me moving forward.

Of course my two teenage boys who also got Christmas Eve boxes couldn't care less but I just know their faces will light up tomorrow morning when they open their brand new consoles and then get to set them up and play Fortnite with their friends on a faster better graphical console, ha ha!

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you all have a lovely time!

[cookiesmind]

Just Meh...

I don't know what it is but I am feeling rather low even though tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Even if I am not particularly excited I should at least be happy the stress is ending but I am just meh! It's really the only way to describe it to be honest. I just don't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone, which isn't exactly ideal when it comes to Christmas time.

Hopefully I perk up before the big day. I am excited at least to see the kids faces when they see their gifts. I really hope they like everything. I am positive they will!

Wish me luck to find my Christmas spirit before the big day!

[cookiesmind]

:(

Well my phone decided the screen was going to die today. I got the Flip 6, 5 months ago and now the screen is completely unresponsive. I am so gutted. I am in the process of seeing if it can be replaced through warranty as it is a contract phone. If not I am not 100% what I am going to do as I still have until July left on my contract.

Right before Christmas as well... Some Christmas present lol

[cookiesmind]

Overwhelm

I have been feeling the overwhelm build over the last few days. Everything just feels like too much and even the smallest of tasks are becoming mountains. I don't know what to do about it except ride the wave and hope for the best.

I guess some overwhelm is to be expected at this time of the year. Christmas is at least a little stressful for everyone. I just hope I can manage to give the kids a brilliant day!

[cookiesmind]

ADHD assessment

I have been on the waiting list for my ADHD assessment since October 2023. I am tired of waiting. It is genuinely a daily struggle with my symptoms and I am at my wits end.

I don't feel like I particularly need the label I simply need to know for myself. My self esteem is completely non existent and that makes the rest of my life such a disaster zone.

I am at the point where I simply avoid doing anything because I am utterly convinced I will fuck it all up. I don't even make the attempt to get started anymore.

The diagnosis itself would just allow me to be a little bit more compassionate to myself and perhaps that would allow me to embrace challenges and push myself to where I want to be in my life. Even if I don't know where that is at the moment.

Fingers crossed it happen s in 2025!

[gqandw]

[cookiesmind]

Christmas Pressure

I always feel the Christmas Pressure. The stress of getting every single person multiple gifts and making sure everyone has the perfect gifts and really running myself into the ground with it.

This year was no different until I was wandering around Tesco picking up last minute gifts and food bits and I was observing all the chaos around me.

Every person in the store had a trolley that was overflowing, there were people arguing and pushing past each other. No one looked happy. No one looked Jolly. Each person looked stressed and miserable.

The commercialism genuinely has taken over! It's all about stuff now instead of about family and love and being there for one another. I'm not immune to it myself either but I hate myself for it!

Maybe next year I can try and be less materialistic and maybe worry less about the things and more about the people around me.