Am I doing enough?
This question has been ‘The Question’ throughout Field Work Term as well as other questions of this nature. Am I going to the studio enough? Am I drawing enough? Am I thinking about drawing enough? Am I researching enough? Am I disciplined enough? Am I talented enough? Am I smart enough? Am I saying enough? And the final whammy, am I enough?
I’ve learned that these questions are fundamentally unkind because it is impossible to measure and completely dependent on how I choose to define it. Plus, there is always more to do. There is never not more. There will always be someone who will do more than me and I will never have completed all there is. One thing I’ve learned this Field Work Term is that work is only fueled through yourself. Another thing I learned is that it’s not always fun. Finding a practice is not fun. In fact, it’s uncomfortable. I find creating space for myself and allowing myself to experiment incredibly difficult because I am confronting the voice in my head that says I don’t deserve to have that space and that the things I make shouldn’t be made. Even when I am in the studio, I am anxious and making excuses so I can leave.
This Field Work term I learned patience for myself and that patience transforms into kindness. Building a practice or any structure, even if that means making my bed every morning is fundamentally a practice in self-respect. I realized that the creative people I am inspired by the most move from a place of deep patience for themselves and that the physical expression is really just the consequence of patience. It got me thinking that this is really what I am admiring. Yes, her gestures are beautiful and yes, the image itself is amazing, but behind the product, I am really admiring the artist’s courage to defy the comfortable voice telling them they shouldn’t.
I made some things that I have no idea how to judge because I really don’t know what they are. I’m not sure if I did do enough but I guess what I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter what the heck I made, or if I made enough, it’s that I gave myself the space to make it.
Here are some pics of those things!
Marina ‘16
