Susana

[corazonruptado]

Now I pose this question to you:

Did I let you down because I needed more time than

the rest?

Or did you ever consider the crushing weight of your

perfect expectations, of a daughter you'll never have?

This is your crushing way of seeing your life next to me as such a bad place. So I should answer with such thought the words that you use that constantly crush my existence. Wondering how I could make such a difference in others lives daily except for yours. The rest of your writing was to painful to see as I have given you the soul of me. I made it all so different for you breaking cycles that you can only imagine in nightmares. Expectations I had none as I was left with this a child that I gave my love and compassion only to find that strangers had more love for you in your eyes. Always falling short of who you wanted me to be. I have yet to see love from you when all that has been poured was hatred to all that I taught you.

I may need to ask that maybe you did not have the mother that you wanted. You have yet to mature to see the light that I did not have but still made sure to shine in your path. Words that you used that I never said only to place a dagger that placed all that had been given as a loss in a distorted memory I may have never had. Your view on who I demanded you to be is what you portrayed to me as you highlighted all that I did wrong in your upbringing. My dear as I continue to walk in a path I know this my view was never distorted it was just interrupted to be placed on display by readers that you seek to build up your thoughts of who you want me to be. I say this with confidence as there is a thought of how I healed in time just to be the best that I could be for you. Unfortunately I was not enough as a mother for you as I saw things for you that you may not see in your self. I do not hold an expectation other than being respected like a human being. As I sit in your empty room I see all the things that went wrong and control I had none. I separated my thoughts and beliefs to fit in your world filled with illusions of the fortress of hate that you have for me. I need no acceptance or form to be signed to allow me to focus on what I have given in your lifetime. I have not doubted my selfless acts as to me it was my wish to be the mother that you so rightly deserved. Now I see that the problem is not what I think or perceive. In simple words I do not fit in your mold of what a mom should be in your world. I am sorry that I am not your friend or the person that you have met online.One that fulfills your every need to be loved with fake cyber illusions built in your head. I realized that the things you need are not in my book. As I did not write your ending to be one that portrays me as a villain in your words. I list not much of what has been done as my heart is continuing break with no illusion of mending from you. Maybe in the fantasy of your character words to you just carry your view and portray the view that justifies your betrayal. Let me begin by being poetically correct for I have given you lifetimes of love that I did not have and experiences of living that many may have never experienced in their lives. Maybe the problem was that even when your picture of your journey was crumbling I kept it together just for enough time for you to cross to better roads that may lead to your happiness. Unfortunately unknown to you, you never saw the ending as your focus was on the road that was placed together that was not to your standards. My perception of what my expectation was never existed . As my belief of your upbringing that had shattered decades prior to your existence. I was conditioned to never rely or have expectations in others. Maybe the perception of what you believe you should be is the same as the words you relentlessly write for your loyal readers to enjoy at the expense of those that would give their life in return for yours. My dear you will learn in time that the road that had been cushioned by love will not always be there when you fall. Maybe that day you will see that truly you yourself have distorted the reality of what was given to you . Unfortunately unknown to you the crumbles you thought you had received were precious to the sender as they gave the last of what they had. I hope that through it all you are happy and your dreams are fulfilled as truly that is the journey that I fought so hard for you to have.

Susana Rendón

[corazonruptado]

I know that this right here is the biggest pain and probably my last.

[corazonruptado]

I thought of experiences that have spared my reality and gave me the knowledge to cope. Becoming the person that I had envisioned in my thoughts of hope are forgotten in moments of reality. I cannot feel for I had no choice. Often falling short of my expectations of who I am meant to be as your mother. There was no handbook or guide as to reactions to have in those moments that life hit you the hardest. Expectations were always there and now somehow I am questioning those daily. Daily I try to show this in how I live hoping to share that love and understanding somehow to give back. Empowerment comes to my mind as I empower parents to be voices of wisdom. I have grown and over the past months I have become quiet . Maybe I view life differently and little did I acknowledge until now what a journey I have endured in personal growth. In my world I always feel as if I am not doing enough and through these painful months I now believe that I was more valuable than what I acknowledged. I was strong when no one was watching, excelling my skills to provide a life that I knew I could achieve not perfect but a step above of what a broken person could achieve. I never saw failure as an option because my essence came from a woman that knew and never depended on anyone. Not because it was her choice but it was the only choice that was given to her. A survivor one that had a quality of strength and determination when life had not given her those options. I am a mirror of her . I realized that my growth was from me realizing that she did the best she could because she was broken herself. In this knowledge I forgive myself for the hard expectations I had on my self as a mother and every role I occupy in my life. I fought hard for stability for you. The outlook of positivity helped and although not perfection I know that I have taught you to be kind to others but wise enough to love yourself. I still stand in amazement as I don’t know still to this day how my brokenness could have raised you. One day I want this to be your guide for if we were free of mistakes in this world we would self absorbed and bitter. Life is waiting for you at your own time and rate. You will achieve what is meant for your journey just like I have achieved in mind. Achievement doesn’t always come in money or profession most times it comes from growth and beauty a soul portrays onto this world!

By Susana Rendon

[corazonruptado]

I wonder if this silence is granted for the pain that has been felt. Wondered if my time and effort had been in vain. Your departure has left me still. Still in time and my heart stopped feeling. I am strong and I have begun to work on me. Loving that inner child that was utterly broken and healing daily. I run to forget and I lift to become stronger. I think of nothing other than becoming stronger . Many have walked in to my life to destroy but I think of it as they walked in to teach me life skills that were needed for the next chapter in my life. I have watched those moments in utter amazement. How can one completely change and evolve to fit the scene in your adventure? I appreciate the little things and sitting still in silence is a necessity daily. I think of you. I think of what was not said and those moments that you could have shared what you felt but you spared the emotion knowing that human beings are so complex. I see butterflies daily and wonder when I will begin to smile. I mourn in my own time with no rush as my life has been no stranger to tremendous loss. I want to remain silent to become still and become a better version of me. One that does not settle for half written chapters of life . I want to honor the experiences with silence that has given me incredible strength and resilience. I honor your strength in image of character daily. I will become a mirror of your strength and grace over time knowing that the way we live life is our true essence of what we accomplished.

By: Susana Rendon

[corazonruptado]

Do you ever wonder if situations in life are meant to be learning experiences? Do they hold purpose? Does pain make you grow? Every human being has at one point or another asked those questions. My soul wants to say deal with it move on but my heart has left to become numb. Numb to experiences, hurt and other things that occur by simply believing in others and holding expectations. Maybe that was the issue expectations should never be placed because eventually they will not live to that expectation. There was a time I us-to think that I was on this earth with a purpose. Often feeling too much has probably been my downfall. I wondered if I told myself that to look forward to something or to fill a void in my life. Transformation they call it and I wish I could tell my heart that. I want to say you are a fool for ever feeling and believing. They say if something is meant for you it will return. I hope it does. I replay things in my head and my thoughts torture the process in which things occur. Too tired to change things I just remain silent. Knowing that the love that I have felt is to my children and yet yearning for great ending to this story has set me up to fail. I can be successful and earn money. I can make a difference in those that I service and yet unfortunately I cannot offer myself that service of change. I can’t expect true happiness for myself. My life has become managing and surviving. Who I was is no longer existent. The hope in it all is gone. My heart has been broken and for the first time in my life instead of not dealing with it I will grow from this experience. I will not run. I will stay in this moment to achieve growth even if silence is the growth. I had hoped for a different ending to this chapter but I was the fool to even expect for such a blessing that I am not worthy of. I remain humble knowing that challenges and storms in ones life will eventually pass. If I could say one thing in those moments I would I would say thank you for once being the only individual on this earth that has made me see my worth in this all. You have given me more insight than any individual on this earth and for that I am thankful.

By Susana Rendon

[corazonruptado]

I wondered if in this moment you ever had a choice. I wondered if it all came down to unpleasant experiences . I thought of the pain you have endured and the dreams that seem to seize. I wanted to erase your pain and imagined you in a different body. My heart aches for you. The realistic side sees the positive. Moments of enjoyment and laughter. The close bond we have. My heart aches for your life that has to endure agonizing pain and the missed moments. I can sit here and just look at you and have so much love . All this time I wondered what this road all led to and little did you know you have made me into the woman I am. You have given me no choice than to be a voice when I had no choice. You gave me strength through your unbelievable fight. Your grace and wisdom beyond your age have shown unbelievable strength in the worst situation possible. I never thought that my road would of been that of a single mother but somehow you made it so worth it. I found my time with you was full of beautiful moments of experience and growth that no university can give you. Your kindness and unselfishness has demonstrated what empathy for others is in it’s truest form. You are driven and when I look at you, you have qualities of myself passed on but in better form. Daughter is such a cheap title for you. You have inspired me to continue to aim at anything I set my mind to it and your strength has taught me how to have patience and grace in all situations. All this time I have searched for love and yet in the rarest form the love that I hold and what you have taught me has shaped me. I have felt so many emotions and yet in the same emotion I have developed this strength that I never thought I had. You brought this out in me. My insecurities you make them seem as if they never have existed and the lessons of life are a mere form of art in your book. There is no greater inspiration than your life!

[corazonruptado]

Silence maybe that is all that is left. Unbearable pain is all that has existed in my heart. No words to explain or allow it to diminish. Time that has yet to find its way to our lives. Miracles awaiting to exist. Maybe the pain has diminished my desire to write. Numbness has taken over daily as my life continues. My judgment may have failed the success of it all. Just like that hope has entered a new stage which cannot be found. As I waited with this throbbing heartless pain that yet seems to overtake my emotions daily. Success has yet to fill this area in our lives. Laughter is measured and less frequent. Silence has become my friend to process all of this. Trying to explain to my heart what my logical mind is aware of. Seeking answers to a question that may never be answered.

Susana Rendon

[corazonruptado]

You become immune. Immune to life . Immune to live to the fullest without fear. Fear to love with no past and no borders. We become immune to live the way it was meant to be lived. Life experiences mold us to have a past and fears. I us to think that life was just a mere time in which we are brought into this earth for a moments time. A moment in which in that time you can make it all worthwhile. I was immune to the way of life I expected and maybe did not deserve. Maybe all along life was just that a mere image of who we are and the role we take and believe has been destined for us. By Susana Rendon

[corazonruptado]

Invisible

Wish I could be invisible. Invisible to see that which tires me to no end, that which hurts to bad to explain. Invisible to pain of others that you love. Invisible to the in deference in your heart. Invisible to all the evils of the world and injustices in our daily lives! If only that invisibility to see the true meaning of who we are instead of the outside cover of our shells then would be much happier beings. Daily I am not invisible in the struggles that I have within myself am I skinny,am I gaining weight , am I ugly or am I just coexisting to live and not feel a sense of failure even if it means to settle or be unhappy just for the sake of being. If in that moment you would just for a moment not think and have no image other than that of living then would you be invisible to the pain this life causes. Invisible to the last word you have spoken. Invisible to the ugly truth of how you feel about yourself, that others do not see! Invisible to that moment that you truly felt love in your heart but were to scared to speak and you just allow it to pass in time! Invisible to the wanting and belonging that you desire to feel for once in your life. Invisible to that moment that took it all away from you. Invisible to that single breath that you took before that single experience changed you either in a positive or in a negative way. One moment in time it is all that it takes to change the course in someone’s life. I wish I was invisible to change that experience that marked me in life that took a bit of my sunshine and left me stained to the truths about pain and life. We all have it and some of us are more vulnerable to be open to these imperfections that are constants in our brains, while others go through life as if nothing matters but damage others along the way with their cruel ways.Invisible is the perfect word to take me back into a blank slate to heal and be me again, who I was meant to be without the pain or the nagging in my heart. By Susana Rendon

[corazonruptado]

I admired the moon that shined so bright. The breeze that I so dearly miss. It was as if a moment in time my mind takes me back. I can see you as a little girl playing by the sand. If in that moment I had captured the peace, the breeze and the sound of the ocean. If in that moment all my pain that I have felt for you could erase to that precious moment. As hard as it gets we deal with what comes our way making the best of it by our optimistic views on life.Deal with the instability of this life and it is the little moments that I look at you brave and strong ,that you make me see what truly matters. Finally we are healing but it has been such a hard road and will continue to be. In that moment I will forever cherish the peace I felt as your mother. I would say to my future self forgive yourself it’s not your fault of this life you given to her. Forgive yourself for those times you felt you weren’t strong enough to hold it all together. Forgive yourself as you sat on a hospital bathroom floor and sobbed silently so she couldn’t hear you. Forgive yourself for having to work even in those times she was in a hospital bed as you were the provider and parent that took the responsibility and never looked back at the broken pieces that you were at the time. Forgive yourself for the shortcomings you thought you had. In that perfect moment as I turned to you and you smiled with the innocence of a three year old I take that moment to remind me of what’s important in this life. Not a title you hold or any petty arguments. In that moment you remind me to live to the fullest. In knowing if you have been taken for granted move on and give yourself your worth. All the insecurities that I had as a divorced mother disappeared knowing in my heart that I survived it and we are okay. The heartbreak I endured was with a purpose to make me stronger to be your mother. In this special moment that I have captured in my mind, I can say that things were good, and till this day I remember that day as a survival memory . One in which no matter how bad your illness has driven us to it still has moments like this that will make you aim high to recreate that moment in many other lived moments. By Susana Rendon

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Time that passes and only a feeling of happiness can come to mind. The moments captured in time at times filled with anguish and pain and yet the growth that was gained in measurable to the time spent. Thoughts of the life that I dreamed of and the life I received that as hard as things got I would not trade my precious jems. The only jems that I have loved and given love in return. Strong is what you view but inside I am weak. I wish I could feel the love that you both have given but daily I feel short on how I feel. Often exhausted but knowing that the exhaustion has a purpose. Knowing that I have a mission to repay to this world words of empathy, love and compassion onto both of you and others that I encounter. As I watch my life and my bucket list I often know that the biggest accomplishment has been you girls and who both of you have become. How could I a broken woman raise these beautiful young girls that show me daily what it means to laugh, love and fill the empty cup that life has bitterly given me with sweet memories and life experiences. To my girls! Journal entry- Susana Rendon

[corazonruptado]

Existence

Body aching forever in pain. I feel your anger and your pain more than what you think. I have been a shield for as long as I have to provide you with comfort. I wish I could change the road that you have taken oblivious to the life I have given you. I often cry in silence knowing that I cannot change the life experience that this life has brought you. I often change the attitude with one of hope . Hope to live , hope to love and hope to believe in something much greater than me, you and our worries all put together! Hope in a cure buying time. Time to experience . Time to laugh! Time to feel the air and believe that there is greater purpose in all of this! Purpose of breaking life cycles that are toxic for a change for you and your sister. Knowing that we exist to be here for this given moment. In true faith that one day you will live pain free and experience life in a different scale. Yes belief in such a greater being that forever blesses and brings peace to my heart.

Susana R.

[corazonruptado]

I cannot shake the past. The past pain that at times overwhelms my heart. As I observe the children climbing up the ladder in that favorite place that we usto go I can’t help but feel pain. Pain for what has been lived, lost and felt due to your change. As my eyes filled with tears I couldn’t help but remember you at 5 years old saying in your sweet voice “mommy look at me”. How I wish I could turn back time what was taken from us has held this immense hole in my heart. The pain of the experience still so raw when we visit places that we had encountered in the past. I had not returned since the last time before all the changes arrived. Today I faced another wall that I had placed in front of me. I thought of the past and if those that affected us ever thought of the loss in your life. As I walked around even though I did not want to admit my heart has become bitter and sadness is filled in it. My eyes view life with not the same innocence or light heart that I once had. May 26 , 2019. Returning to the children’s museum

[corazonruptado]

Pieces

The life that we knew and what has become. Pieces in our lives that simultaneously fit to make us complete. Wondering if there is greater meaning as to who we are . Focusing on the now and erasing the pain that has surfaced in our souls only revealing little to those near us. Trying to be functional in an unfunctional world. Wondering if this sadness that is draped daily with a smile for others to see will ever leave my heart. Trying so hard to be complete. Failing daily to shake the pain that surrounds our daily lives trying to remember who I was. Hoping for that experience that will break that reserved wall that I have placed in front of me. Never allowing others to get to close. Behind closed doors only the greater power knows the pain and the roads taken. Never allowing others to see the roads taken and how slowly it is killing me. No greater pain that has surmounted to this. I remember vaguely who I was and till this day I sleep with the intention of not waking up with is pain that surrounds me. Tired and weary to no end always hoping for that new experience that will make me feel like I usto about living. I remember laughing with no pain behind it no end and no worries. If I could take away all that has been lived and all experiences that have knocked me to the ground with no help of revival I would. To feel once again trust with out borders how I would glorify the moment for I know that moment is the moment that you truly live. Drape yourself around me to feel no shame nor guilt of the experiences that have led me to mistrust and taken me to a place of distrust. Capturing that moment in which all that has shaped me has been broken and have only been a waste of space in my soul. By Susana Rendon