Now I pose this question to you:
Did I let you down because I needed more time than
the rest?
Or did you ever consider the crushing weight of your
perfect expectations, of a daughter you'll never have?
This is your crushing way of seeing your life next to me as such a bad place. So I should answer with such thought the words that you use that constantly crush my existence. Wondering how I could make such a difference in others lives daily except for yours. The rest of your writing was to painful to see as I have given you the soul of me. I made it all so different for you breaking cycles that you can only imagine in nightmares. Expectations I had none as I was left with this a child that I gave my love and compassion only to find that strangers had more love for you in your eyes. Always falling short of who you wanted me to be. I have yet to see love from you when all that has been poured was hatred to all that I taught you.
I may need to ask that maybe you did not have the mother that you wanted. You have yet to mature to see the light that I did not have but still made sure to shine in your path. Words that you used that I never said only to place a dagger that placed all that had been given as a loss in a distorted memory I may have never had. Your view on who I demanded you to be is what you portrayed to me as you highlighted all that I did wrong in your upbringing. My dear as I continue to walk in a path I know this my view was never distorted it was just interrupted to be placed on display by readers that you seek to build up your thoughts of who you want me to be. I say this with confidence as there is a thought of how I healed in time just to be the best that I could be for you. Unfortunately I was not enough as a mother for you as I saw things for you that you may not see in your self. I do not hold an expectation other than being respected like a human being. As I sit in your empty room I see all the things that went wrong and control I had none. I separated my thoughts and beliefs to fit in your world filled with illusions of the fortress of hate that you have for me. I need no acceptance or form to be signed to allow me to focus on what I have given in your lifetime. I have not doubted my selfless acts as to me it was my wish to be the mother that you so rightly deserved. Now I see that the problem is not what I think or perceive. In simple words I do not fit in your mold of what a mom should be in your world. I am sorry that I am not your friend or the person that you have met online.One that fulfills your every need to be loved with fake cyber illusions built in your head. I realized that the things you need are not in my book. As I did not write your ending to be one that portrays me as a villain in your words. I list not much of what has been done as my heart is continuing break with no illusion of mending from you. Maybe in the fantasy of your character words to you just carry your view and portray the view that justifies your betrayal. Let me begin by being poetically correct for I have given you lifetimes of love that I did not have and experiences of living that many may have never experienced in their lives. Maybe the problem was that even when your picture of your journey was crumbling I kept it together just for enough time for you to cross to better roads that may lead to your happiness. Unfortunately unknown to you, you never saw the ending as your focus was on the road that was placed together that was not to your standards. My perception of what my expectation was never existed . As my belief of your upbringing that had shattered decades prior to your existence. I was conditioned to never rely or have expectations in others. Maybe the perception of what you believe you should be is the same as the words you relentlessly write for your loyal readers to enjoy at the expense of those that would give their life in return for yours. My dear you will learn in time that the road that had been cushioned by love will not always be there when you fall. Maybe that day you will see that truly you yourself have distorted the reality of what was given to you . Unfortunately unknown to you the crumbles you thought you had received were precious to the sender as they gave the last of what they had. I hope that through it all you are happy and your dreams are fulfilled as truly that is the journey that I fought so hard for you to have.
Susana Rendón















