Corporate Waffle

We translate the nonsense so you don't have to. You're welcome.

[corporatewaffle]

“We are a market-focused, process-centered organization that develops and delivers innovative solutions to our customers”

It's such a unique description, it could only really be one company.

Ashland Chemicals, 2013.

[corporatewaffle]

Scientists are confident that one day technology will allow them to transform the following mission statement into a meaningful sentence with a point.

"To refresh the world - in mind, body and spirit... To inspire moments of optimism - through our brands and actions... To create value and make a difference everywhere we engage"

Coca-Cola, 2013

[corporatewaffle]

Evidently "pride conscious and health minded" isn’t the same as "proud and healthy", because fried chicken makes you neither.

“To sell food in a fast, friendly environment that appeals to pride conscious, health minded consumers”

KFC mission statement 2013

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[corporatewaffle]

I suspect the words were more likely to have been "are we getting overtime for this?"

"Blue Skies for Our Children." Honda engineers first expressed these words as they took on the challenge of meeting the stringent exhaust emissions standards of the 1970 U.S. Clean Air Act.

From csr.honda.com

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[corporatewaffle]

People exist, thereby making things more complicated:

"Human factors refer to environmental, organisational and job factors, and human and individual characteristics, which influence behaviour at work in a way which can affect health and safety"

From the UK Health and Safety Executive.

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[corporatewaffle]

Yep, it's about human connection. Not money:

“When we are fully engaged, we connect with, laugh with, and uplift the lives of our customers—even if just for a few moments. Sure, it starts with the promise of a perfectly made beverage, but our work goes far beyond that. It’s really about human connection.”

From starbucks.com

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[corporatewaffle]

We're going to talk about fields:

“The Soil Health Partnership aims to measure and communicate the economic and environmental benefits of different soil management strategies and provide a set of regionally specific, data-driven recommendations that farmers can use to improve the productivity and sustainability of their farms.”

From monsanto.com

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[corporatewaffle]

There's these things we want to do, and we've thought of 7 other things.

“Supporting these goals are seven commitments underpinned by targets spanning our social, environmental and economic performance across the value chain.”

From Unilever.com

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