I started to hate myself when this thing happened… I lost my mother and it’s because of me. Every night I cry and blame myself. It was 25th of July2011 when my mom called me… “Pau, puntahan kita sa school nyo sa 28 ha? Iliibre kita at lalabas tayo ha?” I feel so excited because I really missed her since the time she left home.
July 28, 2011. 2:00-4:00pm was our vacant hours, I’ve waited my mom at the gate for thirty minutes and when I got bored, I went to our room to chat and play with my friends. The bell rang, I went downstairs to check her then my friend Claire told me that my mom was already there. I ran and left my friends because we had a review for our UPCAT. My mom hugged me, I wanted to cry at that time but I stopped and smile. She asked many things about me and she told me that she would come with me to UP when I take the entrance exam. I felt so happy, she waited for me while I’m in the library. We went to Cubao and bought me some shirts, shoes and bag. She also bought her favorite Shawarma and a Family sized pizza. We arrived home around 7:30pm, my father was waiting for us at the door. He trapped the door and he don’t want my mom to go inside our house.
Mom: “Nak, baka kung ano gawin sakin nyan.”
Me: “Hindi yan, ako ang bahala sayo.”
My mom trusted me, I forced to go inside our house. My stepfather threw us the pizza. My mom was already inside the house, she hugged my siblings tightly. I saw tears falling from her eyes. I was touched and I started to cry. I shouted and told them to stop arguing in front of my siblings, I told them that it would have bad effects for their child. Then I stopped and rested on our double deck bed. They started shouting at each other, saying bad words then suddenly my father got a knife behind our television. I was shocked and when I got down I saw blood, I shouted and cried. I couldn’t do anything for my mom. People were just staring at us, nobody stopped my stepfather. I saw my mom bleeding. I was holding her when she said “Tama na, yung bituka ko labas na.” I looked at her tummy and her intestines came out. I hit the door but it was locked. I kept on hitting it, I gave my full force. I already opened it, my father cut his pulse… the knife fell beside me and I threw it outside, I was begging for help but no one came. I shouted then the ambulance came. I didn’t know what to do first, would I leave my siblings? Or I would go with them felt so rushed, no tears from my eyes. My heart was crying, I felt so weak and stupid.
“Ma, ihahatid mo pa ako sa UP dib a?”
“Ma, gaGraduate pa ko.”
“Ma, mag-aaral pa sila kambal sa pasukan.”
“Ma, magtatrabahopa ko, ililibot pa kita sa buong mundo.”
“Ma, madami pa tayong pangarap dib a?”
“Ma, wag kang bibitaw! Mahal na mahal kita.”
“Ma! Walang iwanan.”
Those were the things that I kept on telling my mom inside the ambulance. I held her hand and give her strength. I kissed her forehead and she told me that she would never give up. She was inside the Emergency Room and I was still talking to her, many people were staring at me, full of blood and crying with no tears. I kept on talking to her and having a big hope that she could survive. I kept on asking the doctors if my mom was okay, but they were not that sure. I wanted to cry in front of her but I stopped so she wouldn’t be sad. I kept on blaming myself, “I’m sorry mom.” She was delivered at the Operating Room, the doctor called me to sign the papers. I was shocked when I saw Rando outside the Operating Room, he hugged me and told me that everything’s going to be okay. He helped me to pray for my mom, he told that Daniva and Jose were also waiting for me outside. We went back to the Operating Room…
Doctor: “Ikaw ba yung anak nung nasaksak?”
Me: “Opo.”
Doctor: ”Wala na siya kanina pa, nawasak yung liver nya at may naputol na ugat sa bandang puso.”
Me: “Hindi po pwede yan, sabi ng Mama kokaya niya. Di siya susuko, hindi niya ko iiwan.”
My world felt like I was drowning in hell, I blamed myself. I lost the better half of mine, I love her but I lost her. I went outside and hugged Rando then we went to Daniva and Jose. I cried a lot to Daniva’s shoulder. I kept on saying that it’s my fault, and then I woke up inside the hospital. I can’t control myself, we went to the Morgue to see my mother, I kissed her, I kept on waking her up I feel so crazy at that time.
When this thing happened to me, I felt so alone. I wish that I should die too so I wouldn’t feel this thing anymore. Many says that “God has a plan for everything that happens.” Yes it’s true but I can’t help myself from crying. I cried and I want to die but there’s lot of people who keeps on supporting and loving me. I know it’s hard to reach my dreams without them, what if I finished high school? College? Who’ll be proud of me? Who will cheer me every time I’m down? Now, my great inspiration was my siblings, my aunt who supports me, my friends who loves me and my teachers who understands me.”
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