Figuring It Out

My deepest thoughts, desires, blah blah blah

[cottageg0r3]

Blah blah blah back on my sobriety bullshit so back on here.

Im a depressed burnt out mom who can’t smoke anymore and has nothing to look forward to.

[cottageg0r3]

March 2nd 2023. The day I found out I was pregnant.

[mediaseriesfilm]

bumpin.

[withchildbyzindzi]

The two red lines came with mixed emotions

Fear of losing my old self & meeting a totally new person throughout the journey

And excitement of meeting a totally new person throughout the journey

….motherhood.

[the-littlewife]

all i want is for my child to experience childhood like it’s a storybook, full of nature and magic and wholesome days

[cottageg0r3]

Just kind of want to go to the top of a mountain and scream my fucking lungs out

[cottageg0r3]

Currently struggling and standing around letting my brain run run and so I guess I should just come on here and type it out. My mom just does not understand this at all. She only sees me as she sees me, not how I see myself. So how can she possibly understand how I’m struggling. She doesn’t understand that just because I wasn’t drinking every day all day doesn’t mean I don’t have a problem so she doesn’t understand how I could possibly be struggling when I’m not physically addicted to it. Mentally, it’s all I can think about. Especially since making the decision to be sober. It’s on my mind so much more that it ever was before. The book I am reading is really helpful in making me feel understood. It’s helping me feel normal that it seems like alcohol is even more relevant now that I’m not partaking. This is my first weekend sober and I just want to be left the fuck alone. I turned my phone on do not disturb but I still feel disturbed. I feel like nothing. I feel miserable. I feel stupid. I feel infantile. I feel pathetic. I feel like I’m faking how hard this is because I’ve been raised to believe I’m a hypochondriac. I just want to be alone. I want to melt into the couch with all the things I need surrounding me and disappear for a week or even a month but that’s just not possible. I’m really trying to dive into yoga and being better for myself but it feels like a bunch of bullshit. I did yoga before being sober and enjoyed it and now it just feels like a task to distract me, not genuine. I want to cry but nothing comes out. I want to hide but someone always finds me. I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m just having a hard time today.

[cottageg0r3]

[haleyincarnate]

Quote by T. Haidar

[cottageg0r3]

Day 2 of sobriety. It wasn’t awful. It wasn’t great. I’ve had some pretty severe back pain going on so I’ve been off work for close to a week now. Day one of being sober was me being extremely ill so that wasn’t that hard to avoid drinking. Day 2, today, I had a few anxieties about drinking and the future. It’s really hard for me to take seriously that I’ll be sober for here on out. And maybe that’s not realistic of me to think or want to do. Again, I’m not physically dependent on alcohol to where I need it in my blood or I will get ill. I use it in social settings or when I am bored at home and only periodically, as of the last 5 years or so, do I get out of hand. In the past, yes, I ended up in the hospital probably over 15 times for how alcohol effects my body. I hid it all those years that it was only my gallbladder and stomach issues. Sure, that didn’t help, and it DID make it way worse and unpredictable how alcohol would effect me. But honestly, if even drinking one drink put me as risk of being in the hospital and I still did it? I’d say I had a problem then and was in denial. Today, toward the end of the evening when things were winding down I noticed myself getting bored and thinking about cooking dinner and drinking, which is my usual. Instead I had my husband go buy us Starbucks and I was pretty elated with myself in that choice. It’s a small choice and a small victory but it’s still a victory. I don’t like to get too over excited about small wins for myself because it feels almost condescending and not realistic? I don’t know. Perhaps that’s something to bring up with a therapist. All I know is that I am feeling hopeful for tomorrow :)

[dontbeshytoaskforhelp]

Videos | Support Blog

[tommihanley]

https://www.facebook.com/groups/144718447790098

[cottageg0r3]

Sigh, so I ‘m back. With a new(kinda) issue. Alcohol. I have been hiding behind it for years and now here I am. Ready, for today at least, to be sober. And that’s how I am going to take this. Day by day. It’s not so much that I have a physical dependency on alcohol as much as I use it as a crutch to escape social anxieties or just my brain and stresses in general. It doesn’t go unnoticed that I typically return to Tumblr when I’m at my most vulnerable and in search of ways to cope by scrolling and reading quotes, others stories who are in similar situations, and just things that calm me. I can say what I want here. I can escape here. It always feels so good to sit down after a long gap of not writing at all and get it all out. I find myself breathing heavy sighs of relief while getting my thoughts out and finishing typing sentences. It’s therapeutic. My fear in all of this is that I don’t really want it for myself. I’m already finding myself justifying future situations of having one or two drinks. Asking myself am I REALLY planning on stopping or is this just another low I’ll get over and return to the same cycle and inevitably end up here again. Alcohol gives me something to look forward to. After a long day of work it’s exciting for me to have my few shots of tequila while cooking dinner and settle down for the night. I wasn’t getting drunk. And I wasn’t doing it every night. I thought I had it under control. But then I stepped out of my comfort zone and started performing burlesque. What makes me loosen up and more fun? Alcohol! I had a fantastic time my first show and didn’t drink too much or anything. But my second show, my second performance, I was a mess backstage. I held it together during my stage performance but I can’t exactly remember most of the night besides throwing up and crying all the way home about how embarrassed I was. I put my future in this business at jepordy and that makes me sick to my stomach. How did I get here? Who I am without substances? As of right now, not much as far as hobbies and being productive in any sense of the sort goes, but I intend to change that. I’m really going to put forth the effort here and try and track my sobriety, give myself kudos when kudos are due. I want to try and dive into yoga again and perhaps jogging/walking and finally put our treadmill to use. Drink more water. When I performI will have an energy drink that I like to order instead of alcohol or perhaps a different substitute. I’m going to work through the losses I have stunted myself from feeling with drugs and alcohol. I am going to come out of this a better version of myself than ever. I’m young and have plenty of time to figure out how to love myself and want better for myself. Today, I succeeded. Today I was sober from alcohol. And that’s a win.

[cottageg0r3]

I hardly ever go out. I truly can not think of the last time i went to a bar with friends and had a good time. And tonight was that night. I am writing because I want to remember. I want to remember the feeling of excitement seeing Becca dressed up. Our looks back and forth all night letting one another know we’re on the same page and we understand each other from just these looks. This is all we need to communicate. I want to remember Ashley’s laugh and how we can dance and sing and giggle all night together and how freeing and light it feels to care about nothing but laughter and the moment surrounding you. I want to remember Stephanie’s warm smile that envelopes me and makes me feel so warm, cared for, and happy. These are my people. They make me feel so many different things but they are all good. And all I want is to feel good. Forever. I want to live in small moments like this forever. Small moments that create such a home of happiness and comfort. And really, what more can someone ask for. In everything that is bad every. Single. Day. This is all I can ask for. And when I get it, i can’t be anything but high .

[happyheidi]

[saintvellum]

the ambience of shakespeare and black coffee

[cottageg0r3]

I am struggling really hard with my depression today and I have no one to turn to. I’m tired of the superficial sad talks with my friends where all they do is give pretty shitty advice tbh. I hate that I feel like no one understands me and that I am really alone. Even in my hobby groups people have been shitty lately. I’m tired of fighting with my own mind