Jesus Wept: Combating Toxic Masculinity
I can’t tell you the day…or even the year…but I remember this moment so clearly. We were standing outside at a camp ground, waiting for the rest of our group, when all the sudden his eyes filled up with tears. People cry. I was prepared to awkwardly comfort him, probably not knowing what to say but comfort him in whatever small way I could. Before I could even uncross my arms to offer a hug, he turned away and apologized. It was the first time I could really remember someone apologizing for having emotions. His exact words were “you shouldn’t have to see this” …as if his tears were some terrible thing. We tell people “you shouldn’t have to see this” about violence, flames engulfing their house, their child hooked up to too many tubes, their loved ones being hurt. So, in a way, I guess you could argue that he was right. I shouldn’t have to see my friend pretending not to be hurting, ashamed of the fact they were in tears.
In his book “Renegade Gospel”, Mike Slaughter makes the claim that Christian churches are losing numbers because Jesus is not portrayed in a way that is “manly enough” for their liking. While I’m not a scholar and not arguing with Mike Slaughter or other theologians, I personally believe that is an oversimplification of the matter. Is it possible that there is a happy medium between this “tea with Grannie but not much of a man” as Slaughter refers to our current image of Jesus and the stoic toxic masculine figure we want our men to be? Is it possible to be powerful without being overpowering?
We teach boys from an early age that they are fine, that they are strong, and that real men don’t cry. Now surely, we of the Christian faith, are not going to say that Jesus Christ was not a real man. We all know “Jesus wept” is the shortest bible verse (although only in our English translation…in its original Greek the shortest verse is 1 Thessalonians 5:16 which translates to Rejoice Evermore). John 11:35 isn’t the only time Jesus weeps. There are three documented occasions when Jesus weeps. First, Jesus weeps when he hears the news of the death of Lazarus Jesus weeps for Jerusalem as a whole, and lastly Jesus weeps in the garden, though maybe not from his eyes. Jesus is also NOT the only man in the bible who weeps. In Genesis alone; Esau, Jacob, Joseph, and Benjamin ALL weep. In 2 Samuel we find David and Saul both weeping on multiple occasions. What does Peter do upon remembering those infamous words Jesus spoke to him (Matthew 26:75 Peter remembered the word which Jesus had said to him, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times.” He went out and wept bitterly.) Peters weeping is so important that it is mentioned not only in Matthew but in Mark and Luke as well (Mark 14:71 and Luke 22.62) Although there are many emotions in all the books of the bible, Jeremiah is one that is specifically filled with many emotions most of which are coming from G-d. Most likely if you’re reading this, you are also aware that we are made in G-ds image (Gen 1:27). So, if G-d is an all-powerful being full of emotions, then how is it that we can expect our young men to bottle their emotions up inside of them? If we are made in his image then we must laugh, we must love, we must hurt, we must cry, and we must feel the same way he did.
So where do we find the balance? Even the World Health Organization acknowledges that a lack of understanding “masculinity” in shaping expectations and behavior is a primary causative factor for the health disparity between men and women ((Evans, Frank, Oliffe and Gregory, 2011). Being a strong independent man does not mean not asking or seeking help. We’ve all heard plenty of jokes about men and how they won’t ask for directions. The sad thing is, the reason guys don’t ask for help is because society judges them and perceives leaders who need help as less competent. Yet, we are told in Matthew 7:7 to ask and it will be given to you and in Psalm 107:28-30 they cried to the Lord in their trouble and he brought them out of their distress. How can we expect to help our young men if we don’t allow them to share their needs? Church needs to be a safe space for our men to begin to combat societies toxic masculinity, it does not need a more violent Jesus. Jesus act of rebellion are based in love, and so we must surround our young men with unconditional unjudging love so that they have the freedom to feel things with the same passion that Peter, Jesus, and even G-d felt.
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