Ladies and Gentleman I am jumping on the bandwagon.
(PSA: this is a super long post so if you only get through one sentence or one paragraph or the whole thing I am equally grateful for your attention, no hard feelings even if you give up after this sentence.)
It's time to talk about Anti-Hero.
"I have this thing where I get older, but just never wiser" bro same.
"Midnights become my afternoons." Midnights is a concept album which is always cool to me. You can make a concept album about any concept and it will be interesting to some degree. If someone made an album with the concept "going to the grocery store" or "getting my car inspected" I would be all over it. Can you really go wrong with a concept album?
Back to the point- Midnights is a concept album about sleepless nights throughout Taylor's life. Anyone who has been conscious in the past month has probably already heard that whether they want to or not. Only slightly less known is that this album was made with Jack Antonoff, producer of everything I love.
("Midnights become my afternoons." ) This line carries the feeling of what happens when you start to lose track of being a real person.
"When my depression works the graveyard shift all of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room." When I heard this line I knew in my heart this song was going to be phenomenal. What a turn of phrase. How else could you simply explain the way it feels when it's a little too late and you're a little too depressed? How else can you express how haunting and real all your past mistakes, especially in relationships, become to you?
"I should not be left to my own devices, they come with prices and vices, I end up in crisis" WOW. This line took me a couple days to learn because it's that much smarter than me. They way she wrote that structurally is so incredible that this level craft would be a record-breaker even if it wasn't about any kind of real substance. But it is, lucky for us, as Taylor has called this one of the best songs she's ever written (source: just believe me I'm pretty sure I'm right).
"(Tale as old as time) I wake up screaming from dreaming one day I'll watch as you're leaving cause you got tired of my scheming (for the last time)" In her beautifully crafted music video, she is seen running from these 'ghosts' wearing ridiculous sunglasses and her grandma's curtains, and it's cute and silly, right? She's having some fun with us?
(she is not) It perfectly showcases how our deepest fears can look ridiculous to those on the outside. The idea of leaving her might be ridiculous to the ones she's speaking to, but in her mind it is a real and present danger. It keeps her up at night and forces her to create incredible albums.
"It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me."
Moment of silence for how relatable that one is.
For years there was a joke on the internet that Taylor Swift should write a song called "Maybe I'm the problem." I love the irony of that being used to cut her down so to speak, but when she finally does it it becomes one of her biggest songs ever overnight.
"At teatime, everybody agrees" Now in our video we get to meet the Anti-Hero, and guess what? It's Taylor Swift. Her Anti-Hero persona shows up encouraging normal Taylor to do shots and smash things. One thing I really love about this is that the 'normal' Taylor is really enjoying her company. Don't we all love hanging out with the devils on our shoulders? Isn't it fun to indulge?
"I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror." Anti-Heroes of stories seem so stubborn, it would be so simple for them to just change their ways so we could love them right? Why can't they just look in the mirror instead of trying to self destruct?
Again, she uses very simple words to capture something we all hate ourselves for doing. Who do we beat up most for just refusing to look in the mirror? Who do we get most frustrated with for refusing to change? Am I the Anti-Hero?
"It must be exhausting always rooting for the Anti-Hero." Spoiler Alert: Taylor knows she's famous. She also knows for years many of her fans have been teased or belittled for liking her. She knows the reputation (see: album reputation) that society and the media created for her, and she knows that sticking with liking her through that is going to at times be difficult. She knows that enjoying her product, especially in the past, came at a price. This line has a deeper meaning but to me, but initially it almost sounded like a thank you, like she was saying to us "Thank you for sticking with me when I was the Anti-Hero, I know they didn't make that easy."
Her Anti-Hero takes on fully the role of the bad influence, teaching her "Everyone will betray you." Like all misunderstood underdogs, there is a feeling of rejection, and an even deeper feeling of pain that gets unleashed in all these chaotic and self-destructive behaviors.
I would like to pause this post for a moment to point out the way Taylor holds this pen -
"Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby, and I'm a monster on a hill." Ok truthfully this line is the reason I wanted to do a post on this song because everyone hates it and I have to give my two cents.
The use of the term "sexy baby" is supposed to make you a little uncomfortable. That's what she was going for. Not only does it briefly point out the way we are trained to focus on appearances and how that infantilizes us, but the use of an awkward phrase is driving home the point about her being an outsider. The intense contrast of a sexy baby versus a huge monster expressed how big her feeling is, how much she feels like she is different from what people want her to be.
"Too big to hangout, slowly lurching toward your favorite city" She expresses her feeling further by showing us a huge Taylor crashing a dinner party, again, an almost comical demonstration that doesn't hurt your feelings if you don't think about it, but really hurts your feelings if you do. How many times have we walked into a room and felt that ridiculous, even though we likely weren't that big of a deal at all?
"Pierced through the heart, but never killed." A galavanting young man comes in and shoots Taylor with a bow and arrow. She starts bleeding, but it's not red. It's purple. It's sparkly. And she immediately tries to hide it in shame. Could she be telling us that what she is on the inside isn't dark and red and strong, it's vulnerable, glittery and almost childish? Is she just too soft for all of it?
Am I reaching? Yes, but I stand by it.
"Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism like some kind of congressman?"
Everyone sit down and shut up that line is so awesome.
The dinner guests react by running from her tiny display of her true, vulnerable self, and she places a pin saying "Vote for me for everything" over the wound. Because where does the need to constantly campaign come from? What causes us to always be working to gain approval from others? Fear of rejection. So what does she do? She becomes altruistic, selfless, entirely focused on others needs and wants, but all the time internally hearing "Do they like me, should I have said that, am I cool enough, is everyone hanging out without me?" This narrative thought the eyes of a critic looks narcissistic, like why won't you just get over yourself? That critique just reinforces the concept and the process starts all over again.
(Tale as old as time) I wake up screaming from dreaming one day I’ll watch as you’re leaving and life will lose all its meaning (for the last time) Don't all of us, when that layer of anxiety rears it's ugly head, feel a sense of impending doom? As if this is our last chance, we better pull it off this time! Doesn't that feeling really kill the joy of using up that 'chance'?
"It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me. At teatime, everybody agrees. I’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror. It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero".
We welcome back with open arms Anti-Hero Taylor, watching her push her off the bed, forcing her to do more shots than she can handle, shaming her for her weight. The fun Anti-Hero that initially seemed friendly begins pushing her, driving her toward more and more destructive thinking and habits. We know we feel like crap when we drink too much, why do we do it? We know logically our bodies are fine and never going to be perfect, so why do we hate them so much? There in the back of your mind is your most loyal Anti-Hero, reminding you, just in case you started forgetting, that you're not good enough. What a b.
"I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money. She thinks I left them in the will." This is my opinion the most heartbreaking part of this song.
"Everyone will betray you." Even your own family. Even your own children. And the worst part is, Taylor knew it was coming. She already wrote them out of the will. What kind of life pushes you to be so distrusting? To strike even your own children preemptively, because you've learned ultimately even they will turn their back on you and use you?
"The family gathers ‘round and reads it, and then someone screams out “She’s laughing up at us from hell!”
Who gets the beach house? Cats. Why? Because pets don't betray you.
What kind of lonely life is it when the only people you trust to love you unconditionally and be worthy to inherit your legacy are cats?
Now let me be perfectly clear, I do not think that this is the constant state of Taylor Swift's life, nor do I think that cats do not deserve money. I'm zeroing in on what she's really telling us. Because it's not funny. This video is not funny.
"It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.
It’s me, hi I’m the problem, it’s me." Taylor looks up from her own casket to see absolute chaos from people who should be devastated to lose her, but are devastated to lose her money. And what's the common denominator that everyone in her life has? Her. She is the only thing that she knows for a fact they all have in common, so she's left with the belief that she elicits this reaction in people and it's her responsibility, when in reality they are all garbage and deserve 13 cents. But are they going to let her believe that?
"It’s me, hi. Everybody agrees, everybody agrees..." no. They're going make her the bad guy, because they can, so why wouldn't they?
"It's me, hi (hi), I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)
At tea (tea) time (time), everybody agrees (everybody agrees)
I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror.
It must be exhausting, always rooting for the anti-hero."
After being fully convinced she's the problem, she's met again with her Anti-Hero, except this time, she's offering the booze. The Anti-Hero has trained her well. They sit on the roof and are joined by not-sexy-baby-monster-sized Taylor, and finally they seem somewhat relaxed. Why? Because everyone will betray you. You can only trust yourself.
I could go on and on and on about the mental health issues and deep emotion this video gives us access to, but I think the one that stands out to me most is this - it is exhausting rooting for the Anti-Hero. And we are all our own Anti-Hero in our mind. It takes work to be on our own side, to ignore the voices telling us that we are worthless, and to remember that no one views us as negatively as we tend to view ourselves. Taylor Swift has obviously had to learn to overcome her Anti-Hero, and she wanted us all to know that it's not a unique struggle. We're all doing our best. Don't beat yourself up.
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