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please listen to this and tell me you’re not crying
who do you think they are to each other? / it took me twelve years to find my friend / he was just this kid in my head for such a long time, and I think I just missed him / you dream in a language I can’t understand / you make my life so much bigger, and I just wonder if I do the same for you / this is where I ended up. this is where I’m supposed to be / I just wanted to see you one more time / I didn’t know liking your husband would hurt this much / maybe we were a bird and the branch it decided to rest on one day / who you are is someone who leaves / to arthur, you are someone who stays / if this is already a past life, who do you think we are to each other in the next?
And I’m fading, thinking
“The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry, and smile and say, “No I’m happy for you”? That’s when it’s really sad.”
— John Mayer
Ladies and Gentleman I am jumping on the bandwagon.
(PSA: this is a super long post so if you only get through one sentence or one paragraph or the whole thing I am equally grateful for your attention, no hard feelings even if you give up after this sentence.)
It's time to talk about Anti-Hero.
"I have this thing where I get older, but just never wiser" bro same.
"Midnights become my afternoons." Midnights is a concept album which is always cool to me. You can make a concept album about any concept and it will be interesting to some degree. If someone made an album with the concept "going to the grocery store" or "getting my car inspected" I would be all over it. Can you really go wrong with a concept album?
Back to the point- Midnights is a concept album about sleepless nights throughout Taylor's life. Anyone who has been conscious in the past month has probably already heard that whether they want to or not. Only slightly less known is that this album was made with Jack Antonoff, producer of everything I love.
("Midnights become my afternoons." ) This line carries the feeling of what happens when you start to lose track of being a real person.
"When my depression works the graveyard shift all of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room." When I heard this line I knew in my heart this song was going to be phenomenal. What a turn of phrase. How else could you simply explain the way it feels when it's a little too late and you're a little too depressed? How else can you express how haunting and real all your past mistakes, especially in relationships, become to you?
"I should not be left to my own devices, they come with prices and vices, I end up in crisis" WOW. This line took me a couple days to learn because it's that much smarter than me. They way she wrote that structurally is so incredible that this level craft would be a record-breaker even if it wasn't about any kind of real substance. But it is, lucky for us, as Taylor has called this one of the best songs she's ever written (source: just believe me I'm pretty sure I'm right).
"(Tale as old as time) I wake up screaming from dreaming one day I'll watch as you're leaving cause you got tired of my scheming (for the last time)" In her beautifully crafted music video, she is seen running from these 'ghosts' wearing ridiculous sunglasses and her grandma's curtains, and it's cute and silly, right? She's having some fun with us?
(she is not) It perfectly showcases how our deepest fears can look ridiculous to those on the outside. The idea of leaving her might be ridiculous to the ones she's speaking to, but in her mind it is a real and present danger. It keeps her up at night and forces her to create incredible albums.
"It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me."
Moment of silence for how relatable that one is.
For years there was a joke on the internet that Taylor Swift should write a song called "Maybe I'm the problem." I love the irony of that being used to cut her down so to speak, but when she finally does it it becomes one of her biggest songs ever overnight.
"At teatime, everybody agrees" Now in our video we get to meet the Anti-Hero, and guess what? It's Taylor Swift. Her Anti-Hero persona shows up encouraging normal Taylor to do shots and smash things. One thing I really love about this is that the 'normal' Taylor is really enjoying her company. Don't we all love hanging out with the devils on our shoulders? Isn't it fun to indulge?
"I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror." Anti-Heroes of stories seem so stubborn, it would be so simple for them to just change their ways so we could love them right? Why can't they just look in the mirror instead of trying to self destruct?
Again, she uses very simple words to capture something we all hate ourselves for doing. Who do we beat up most for just refusing to look in the mirror? Who do we get most frustrated with for refusing to change? Am I the Anti-Hero?
"It must be exhausting always rooting for the Anti-Hero." Spoiler Alert: Taylor knows she's famous. She also knows for years many of her fans have been teased or belittled for liking her. She knows the reputation (see: album reputation) that society and the media created for her, and she knows that sticking with liking her through that is going to at times be difficult. She knows that enjoying her product, especially in the past, came at a price. This line has a deeper meaning but to me, but initially it almost sounded like a thank you, like she was saying to us "Thank you for sticking with me when I was the Anti-Hero, I know they didn't make that easy."
Her Anti-Hero takes on fully the role of the bad influence, teaching her "Everyone will betray you." Like all misunderstood underdogs, there is a feeling of rejection, and an even deeper feeling of pain that gets unleashed in all these chaotic and self-destructive behaviors.
I would like to pause this post for a moment to point out the way Taylor holds this pen -
Moving on.
"Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby, and I'm a monster on a hill." Ok truthfully this line is the reason I wanted to do a post on this song because everyone hates it and I have to give my two cents.
The use of the term "sexy baby" is supposed to make you a little uncomfortable. That's what she was going for. Not only does it briefly point out the way we are trained to focus on appearances and how that infantilizes us, but the use of an awkward phrase is driving home the point about her being an outsider. The intense contrast of a sexy baby versus a huge monster expressed how big her feeling is, how much she feels like she is different from what people want her to be.
"Too big to hangout, slowly lurching toward your favorite city" She expresses her feeling further by showing us a huge Taylor crashing a dinner party, again, an almost comical demonstration that doesn't hurt your feelings if you don't think about it, but really hurts your feelings if you do. How many times have we walked into a room and felt that ridiculous, even though we likely weren't that big of a deal at all?
"Pierced through the heart, but never killed." A galavanting young man comes in and shoots Taylor with a bow and arrow. She starts bleeding, but it's not red. It's purple. It's sparkly. And she immediately tries to hide it in shame. Could she be telling us that what she is on the inside isn't dark and red and strong, it's vulnerable, glittery and almost childish? Is she just too soft for all of it?
Am I reaching? Yes, but I stand by it.
"Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism like some kind of congressman?"
Everyone sit down and shut up that line is so awesome.
The dinner guests react by running from her tiny display of her true, vulnerable self, and she places a pin saying "Vote for me for everything" over the wound. Because where does the need to constantly campaign come from? What causes us to always be working to gain approval from others? Fear of rejection. So what does she do? She becomes altruistic, selfless, entirely focused on others needs and wants, but all the time internally hearing "Do they like me, should I have said that, am I cool enough, is everyone hanging out without me?" This narrative thought the eyes of a critic looks narcissistic, like why won't you just get over yourself? That critique just reinforces the concept and the process starts all over again.
(Tale as old as time) I wake up screaming from dreaming one day I’ll watch as you’re leaving and life will lose all its meaning (for the last time) Don't all of us, when that layer of anxiety rears it's ugly head, feel a sense of impending doom? As if this is our last chance, we better pull it off this time! Doesn't that feeling really kill the joy of using up that 'chance'?
"It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me. At teatime, everybody agrees. I’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror. It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero".
We welcome back with open arms Anti-Hero Taylor, watching her push her off the bed, forcing her to do more shots than she can handle, shaming her for her weight. The fun Anti-Hero that initially seemed friendly begins pushing her, driving her toward more and more destructive thinking and habits. We know we feel like crap when we drink too much, why do we do it? We know logically our bodies are fine and never going to be perfect, so why do we hate them so much? There in the back of your mind is your most loyal Anti-Hero, reminding you, just in case you started forgetting, that you're not good enough. What a b.
"I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money. She thinks I left them in the will." This is my opinion the most heartbreaking part of this song.
"Everyone will betray you." Even your own family. Even your own children. And the worst part is, Taylor knew it was coming. She already wrote them out of the will. What kind of life pushes you to be so distrusting? To strike even your own children preemptively, because you've learned ultimately even they will turn their back on you and use you?
"The family gathers ‘round and reads it, and then someone screams out “She’s laughing up at us from hell!”
Who gets the beach house? Cats. Why? Because pets don't betray you.
What kind of lonely life is it when the only people you trust to love you unconditionally and be worthy to inherit your legacy are cats?
Now let me be perfectly clear, I do not think that this is the constant state of Taylor Swift's life, nor do I think that cats do not deserve money. I'm zeroing in on what she's really telling us. Because it's not funny. This video is not funny.
"It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.
It’s me, hi I’m the problem, it’s me." Taylor looks up from her own casket to see absolute chaos from people who should be devastated to lose her, but are devastated to lose her money. And what's the common denominator that everyone in her life has? Her. She is the only thing that she knows for a fact they all have in common, so she's left with the belief that she elicits this reaction in people and it's her responsibility, when in reality they are all garbage and deserve 13 cents. But are they going to let her believe that?
"It’s me, hi. Everybody agrees, everybody agrees..." no. They're going make her the bad guy, because they can, so why wouldn't they?
"It's me, hi (hi), I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me) At tea (tea) time (time), everybody agrees (everybody agrees) I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror. It must be exhausting, always rooting for the anti-hero."
After being fully convinced she's the problem, she's met again with her Anti-Hero, except this time, she's offering the booze. The Anti-Hero has trained her well. They sit on the roof and are joined by not-sexy-baby-monster-sized Taylor, and finally they seem somewhat relaxed. Why? Because everyone will betray you. You can only trust yourself.
I could go on and on and on about the mental health issues and deep emotion this video gives us access to, but I think the one that stands out to me most is this - it is exhausting rooting for the Anti-Hero. And we are all our own Anti-Hero in our mind. It takes work to be on our own side, to ignore the voices telling us that we are worthless, and to remember that no one views us as negatively as we tend to view ourselves. Taylor Swift has obviously had to learn to overcome her Anti-Hero, and she wanted us all to know that it's not a unique struggle. We're all doing our best. Don't beat yourself up.
I will never find love and it's John Mayer's fault.
I just don't think any other man is gonna get it the way he does.
Today I am discussing "Belief" by John Mayer with the void that is this blog.
John Mayer has a lot of really incredible songs I really love a lot. I think I could probably do a whole separate blog about him but I'm trying to be cool about it.
"Belief" is a track that has always stuck out to me as something important and I don't think it gets enough attention. I wish when I told people that I'm obsessed with the "Your Body is a Wonderland" guy they were thinking of this song instead. Not that "Your Body is a Wonderland" doesn't deserve love, but it's like clearly 20-year-old-guy propaganda.
"Belief" is on the album Continuum which John Mayer has described as being very important to how he defined himself as an artist. (source: something I read or saw somewhere) He's always had a deeper more insightful mind that I think he was given credit for, but in this album he took it and ran with it. There are so many important things other than love to write about.
Also, for your reference-
con·tin·u·um
/kənˈtinyo͞oəm/
noun
a continuous sequence in which adjacent elements are not perceptibly different from each other, although the extremes are quite distinct.
I don't know why but it took me like 12 years to bother to Google that and when I did the album just became even more important.
Ok so Belief is a song about a concept, it is looking at human nature from the outside in a very objective way and observing how it interacts with itself. It follows "Waiting on the World to Change," which opened by setting the tone for the album to be more outwardly focused to the world, rather than just Mayer's personal experiences.
First of all, the guitar in this song is cool. I do not know enough about music to explain why or what he's doing, but it is cool sounding and my brain likes it. Please someone with actual experience comment something about the guitar work to justify me ascribing it coolness.
"Is there anyone who ever remembers changing their mind from the paint on a sign?
Is there anyone who really recalls ever breaking rank at all for something someone yelled real loud one time?"
Johnny opens up by giving us a mental image of the way people express and define their belief systems. The way they are motivated to communicate what they're feeling is so overwhelming that it takes the form of a protest, or a march, or any other of 1000 methods where people need to be heard out loud. It's a proclamation, it is important and they are gonna yell it.
But then what does it do? In a system where people tend to remain divided, does screaming your beliefs ever really change anyone's mind? Doesn't it just remind them of their own beliefs, rather than converting them?
"Breaking rank" is a term that implies separation from a unit, and it is an important way of phrasing what he is describing. Peoples beliefs unite them with those who believe the same, and changing those beliefs then becomes a betrayal of people you know. People find belonging through like minded people, so deviating from that safety net is too big of a risk. It begs the question, would they believe it this strongly if they had nothing to lose?
"Oh everyone believes in how they think it ought to be Oh everyone believes, and they're not going easily."
Everyone has an opinion that is directly tied to the way they value themselves. Everyone has a deep inner need for what they think to be important. No one is going to really give that up without resistance, most will fight to the death to never give it up at all.
"Belief is a beautiful armor, but makes for the heaviest sword"
Belief is by far one of the most beautiful things about being human. Everything we think is valuable, important, significant, is given that honor because we believe it is. It is such a huge and important part of our existence, and brings meaning to things that humans crave meaning for. But that beauty also becomes divisive, because when beliefs differ, there is no room for compromise on something that is so fundamental to how we perceive the world.
"Like punching underwater, you never can hit who you're trying for"
Vivid word picture that puts us right in the middle of the pool in 3rd grade when we were fighting with our cousin and completely failed because we couldn't really get the momentum underwater to hit them, or see clearly enough to aim. (disclaimer: I love all of my cousins very much and I'm not a super violent person but like you all know the feeling I'm describing right?) The same way that water clouds our clarity of sight and our ability to move, our beliefs that we cling to inhibit us in ways we can never really work around.
"Some need the exhibition; and some have to know they tried It's the chemical weapon for the war that's raging on inside."
So why do we have to have these beliefs? Obviously it fulfills a basic human need, and people define it in different ways. "I just need to make a difference in the world, I need people to notice and care about me, I have to feel important so I have to make what I feel important," are all subconscious deeply rooted motivations that put us at war with ourselves.
This song is big brain time y'all.
"Oh everyone believes; from emptiness to everything. Oh everyone believes, and no one's going quietly."
Even a cynical lack of faith in the world around you is a belief system. Even those who claim to believe in nothing are holding fast to the belief that there is nothing worth believing in. There is no absence of opinion on this. It's impossible to believe in nothing.
ok here comes my favorite part-
"We're never gonna win the world. We're never gonna stop the war. We're never gonna beat this if belief is what we're fighting for. We're never gonna win the world. We're never gonna stop the war. We're never gonna beat this if belief is what we're fighting for."
These deep seated divisive beliefs are the reason we're in conflict, and yet people think those same beliefs are what would ultimately stop the conflict, so the cycle goes on and on. Continuum, see?
John Mayer boldly (as love) says that belief cannot be the reason we fight if we expect resolution. Our beliefs determine our reality far too much. We would have to humble ourselves, step outside of this core part of who we really are, to be able to objectively see what truly would stop the conflict. And we're never gonna do that.
"Is there anyone who can remember ever surrendered, with their life on the line?"
Our beliefs are who we are. When someone challenges something that helps us define the world we experience, it feels like our own existence is threatened. In the face of that, who would give up? When you have everything at stake, that is when you are most motivated to continue.
"We're never gonna win the world. We're never gonna stop the war. We're never gonna beat this if belief is what we're fighting for. We're never gonna win the world. We're never gonna stop the war. We're never gonna beat this if belief is what we're fighting for."
The repetitative lyrics illustrate the cycle we're all stuck in. It expresses a feeling of almost hopelessness, because the thing that is the problem is the same thing that people cling to for a solution.
"What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand? Belief can. Belief can. What puts the folded flag inside his mother's hand? Belief can. Belief can."
Ending on a heavy note, it forces you to sit with this reality.
As a species, universally we can agree that we value our children more than almost anything else, not just for emotional reasons, but because they are the continuation of all we believe in. Few humans are immune to the deep feeling to sadness that comes from seeing these children become victims of the world around them, regardless of their beliefs. And why does this horror happen? Because of not just what the beliefs are, but the thinking that the beliefs are the most important thing. The thing we try to preserve forever through our children is the very same thing that is cutting them short. Who is the real enemy here?
Belief.
People feel so strongly about their country or their politics, that when their own children die for those beliefs, they are proud. The symbol of a folded flag is something people display, advertising that what they believed in was so important to their family or their child, that they died for it.
That is the power of belief.
To be clear, I don't think belief is a negative thing. I think this song is highlighting the way it is misused. I have many beliefs that I would die for, but at the same time, I've stood back and asked myself if those beliefs are really worth my life. Why do I believe it so strongly? What makes me so sure I'm right?
I personally have found peace within those questions, and I hope you can too. This song is an extremely intelligent outside view of something we tend to just take for granted. It's looking at ourselves from the outside and watching what makes the wheels turn.
This is why I love John Mayer. It is not that hard to write a love song (spoiler alert), and it's not even that hard to write a really good one. Love is important and should be written about of course, but to write something like this? To dig deep within yourself, within your species, and be brave enough to see what makes it tick? To have the inner guts to pull back the curtain, and then document and broadcast your findings to the extent that you can? That takes a specific type of mind and an extremely intelligent person. It takes strength of character, and love for those around you.
HE WROTE THIS BY HIMSELF GUYS!!!!
Also, in the process of writing this post I learned that John Mayer's middle name is Clayton, and that feels like important information I should share.
Whatever your beliefs, I hope I have now convinced you to believe John Mayer is a good songwriter.
See? Continuum.
John Mayer is my soulmate probably and that's fine.
A Face to Call Home // John Mayer
Gillian Flynn, Sharp Objects Greta Gerwig, Lady Bird (2017) Chen Chen, Poplar Street Ingmar Bergman, Höstsonaten (1978) Annie Ernaux, I Remain in Darkness Lorde, Writer in the Dark S02E10 “The Bracebridge Dinner”, Gilmore Girls (2001) John Mayer, In the Blood
When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.
“Sometimes you tell someone to never call you again and then the phone rings and you hope it’s them. It’s the most twisted logic of all time.”
— John Mayer
Just saw someone call Atonement a "cottagecore" film...... has the overemphasis on aesthetic subcultures eroded our ability to consume any media meaningfully......
#66
Atonement (2007), Joe Wright
ATONEMENT (2007) Dir. Joe Wright
James McAvoy in Joe Wright’s ‘Atonement’ (2007)
arctic monkeys will have "i wanna be your ford cortina, I would never rust" stuck in ur head in his stupid sheffield accent and going on grunge 2014 tumblr looking for lyric edits