Jem: Hey, Will, what's up?
Will: Well, I'm sitting in a pool of my own blood.
Will: Oh, yeah, probably.
Jem: Where is it coming from?
Will: Probably the stab wound.
Jem: yoU'VE BEEN STABBED?!
Will: Oh, yeah definitely.
Kit: I wrote a song called I'm Late For My Final Exam and it's just three minutes of me screaming.
Emma: Look upon the filed which I grow my fucks. Lay thine eyes upon it and see that it is barren.
Will: Do you ever wonder how an author would describe you in a novel? Like, not only your appearance, but also your little habits and stuff. I wanna know how I'd be described.
Gabriel: Bet it would be something like "so here's this asshole."
Will: Honestly, fuck you, Gabriel.
Kit: I mixed up Donkey Kong with King Kong and accidentally said Kinky Kong to my parents.
Izzy: Who is that weirdo on TV? He's running downtown with eight dogs.
Sebastian: Be warned, I can kill you.
Jace: Be warned, I can die.
Jace: Excuse me, who made Alec the boss of the group.
Simon: You said, "Alec should be the boss."
Izzy: And then you said, "lets vote," and it was unanimous.
Magnus: And then you made him this plaque that says, "Boss of us."
Magnus: And put little sparkles all over it.
Jace:... all valid points.
Simon: What are you guys talking about? I'm like the backbone of this family.
Jace: You're more like the appendix of this family, no one knows what you're here for.
Alec: Also prone to explode at any given moment.
Jace: And a real pain to remove.
Emma: What's your problem?
Cristina: He keeps using common phrases incorrectly.
Kieran: Oh, cry me a table, Cristina.
Cecily: If a guy calls you "princess" in a condescending manner, assert your newly appointed royal status and have him beheaded.
Will: I could get killed.
Will: Or even worse. Jem could give me a lecture on responsibility again.
Dru: What color are Emma's eyes?
Julian: The warm chestnut of well-worn leather when the sun comes out after days of rain.
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Gabriel: Hello, Will, make anyone cry today?
Will: Sadly, no, but it's only 4:30.
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Will: Rubbing alcohol is for outside wounds. Drinking alcohol is for inside wounds.
Matthew: Cheers! I'll drink to that.
__________________________
James: What are you going to bring to dinner?
Matthew: My negative attitude and sparkling personality.
__________________________
Kit: Listen, I just spent twenty minutes in a standoff with the biggest cockroach I have ever seen, so that's where I'm at... mentally.
____________________________
Julian: I told you to stop doing that with the knives.
Dru, with knives taped to her hands: But Wolverine has-
____________________________
Aline: The only thing that seems to motivate you guys is pancakes.
Dru: Do we have maple syrup?
Julian: I'll go buy some.
Aline: THERE ARE NO PANCAKES!
__________________________
Jace: And once again, Jace and Magnus save the day!
Alec: You didn't do anything.
Jace: We're a package deal. Everyone knows that.
______________________________
Tessa: How can one man have so many enemies?
Will: I'm a people person who talks shit and drinks.
________________________________
Matthew: You're my best friend, but I'd fuck you if you asked.
Lucie, from across the room: HE SAID HE'D FUCK YOU IF YOU ASKED!
_________________________________
Matthew: What if we kidnap-
James: Not even a little.
________________________________
Julian: We need to distract the enemies.
Emma: Right, I can do that.
Julian: What are you going to do?
Emma: I'm gonna kill them all.
Emma: That ought to distract them.
__________________________________
Mark: I have lost the sword.
_________________________________
Kit: My friendship with Dru is over.
________________________________
Kit: Baking yeast has alcohol in it, but you can't get drunk off eating bread.
Kit: Trust me, I've tried.
_______________________________
Kit: I know you think my judgment is clouded because I like Ty a little bit-
Jem: You doodled your wedding invitation.
Kit: That was our joint tombstone.
______________________________
Clary, through the door: Are you decent?
Jace: Not morally, but I'm wearing pants if that's what you're asking.
______________________________
Kit: Ty, let's play 20 questions!
Ty: Okay, what's your favorite color.
Kit: Aces. My turn, do you like boys?
_______________________________
Julian, coming to bail the group out of jail: I hate you sometimes, you know.
Emma: Welcome to the club! You are one of 53 members. We make t-shirts and have meetings every Wednesday at 4.
Mark: We would meet earlier, but Kit gets out of school at 3.
_____________________________
Jace, to Izzy and Simon at their wedding party: Alright, everyone, Saturday is the big day! A lot of us thought this day would never come. I may have been one of those people.
Izzy: I may have also been one of those people.
Simon: Wait, are we talking about our wedding?
Simon: Oh, yes, I was also one of those people.
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Emma: Julian and I slept together.
Emma: ... I thought you would be a little more surprised.
Cristina, in a shocked voice: AND?!
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Ty: The dishes aren't in alphabetical order!!!!
Kit: Excuse my language, but what the F U C K does that mean?
___________________________
Lucie: We shouldn't complain.
Matthew: I'm gonna complain anyways.
_____________________________
Dru: Kit? Are you alive? Knock once for yes, twice for no.
Kit: *pauses, then knocks twice*
Dru: What do we do? Kit's dead!
______________________________
Will: Do you know....? Do you KNOW what it's like to be AFRAID of YOURSELF?!
Tessa, thinking of all the money she blew on a scam: Geez, man, I sure do-
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Clary: Simon, you've got a lot to offer Izzy. You're funny, you're smart-
Magnus: You're creative, you've got style...
Jace: Oh, did you want me to say something?
Jace: You have brown hair, your name is Simon.
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Will: I've done a lot of dumb shit.
Tessa: I witnessed the dumb shit.
Cecily: I remember the dumb shit.
Magnus: I joined you in the dumb shit.
Jem: I tried to stop you from doing the dumb shit!
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Alec: No. Don't you dare! Stop. Stop. I don't wanna hear it. I have been cleaning up your messes for way too long and now I'm aging prematurely. You are driving me steadily insane. So I don't wanna hear it. Go away. I'll be dead next month at this rate. Leave me alone.
Jace: I was just gonna ask you if you wanted toast...
Alec: Oh, well. No thank you.
Jace: Good, because I blew up the toaster and now one of the plants is on fire.
______________________________
Kit: If you are about to be stabbed, just say, "I have too much swagger for the dagger," and they will leave you alone.
Dru: Or stab you a hundred more times.
______________________________
Will: I'M GONNA FUCKING KI-
Will:-ss you and buy you more. You haven't been eating enough.
______________________________
James: A waiter could literally murder me and I'd still tip 20%
Matthew: I would actually tip more if they murdered me, that's great customer service.
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