Someone posted in the comments on my video on the topic about not being able to find the "44 rules for dnd" since the original posts were deleted, and I honestly couldn't even find the Twitter post I got them from originally. So I've transcribed them to Tumblr where they can live forever with all the other trash!
Context: Posted to r/dndhorrorstories May 25, 2024
My dm laid out the 44 rules for dnd
My dm just posted this after a hiatus, enjoy:
I'll just put shit out now thats going to change before anyone goes through with anything:
I'm timing turns. I don't give a fuck of it’s unfair in your opinion cause your spells are hard or you don't know what square to move to. you get 1 minute to know all the actions you want to take or I skip your turn.
If you want harder fights, bring a second character sheet and expect to twiddle your thumbs when you die. I'm not going to baby anyone.
If you call me or my rolls unfair, I'll get up and go home. and if you got a ride with me you can find your own way back and suck it up.
I'm going to take your characters loot away as regularly as you want it given out. Rule 3 will apply here.
If you don't act out any of your persuasion or intimidation or any other social checks you fail, before you even roll. You fail immediately because you aren't even trying and you're making the game lame for everyone else.
If you don't pick up cues for "side quests" that's not my problem. Get over yourself, it's not a video game, it's a role playing pen and paper based game with miniatures. I'm not holding your hand if you choose not to pursue shit.
If you move to a square in combat there's no take backs.
You tell every single person what you're doing before you do it. You don't fucking roll dice and then say you're casting fireball. You tell us all.
I will give out exhaustion more frequently. If you argue, go home or you can actually fight me over it or you can dm yourself.
Every snide comment you make to an npc will be remembered and paid back in triplicate. You all seem to believe there is little consequence.
You will not be given a mega dungeon every session. A temple is not the size of a small city, neither is a cave. This shit will happen when it's natural and organic. Go play some roguelike if you want that.
The travel portion is done. You wanna travel continents doing literally whatever you want whenever you want? Go play world of Warcraft or play dnd with chat gpt.
If you're late with no good reason I'm going to halve your characters hit points for the entire session.
If you don't show up for no good reason, and that will be determined by me alone if no one else has the guts to say shit for fear of upsetting one another, the first time you'll find yourself losing either a whole level or up to three major items of your own. The second time you do it in a row, you'll be removed from the chat and the group full stop. I have no fucking time for people to not show up.
If you get too stoned or drunk to play, I will go home without a warning. Your warning is here.
If you get up for bong or smoke or whatever breaks every 10 minutes I will simply pack up and go home. I'm sick of waiting for every bloke to be at the table.
Guidance, divination spells, owls and whatever spells I decide are too fucking stupid are banned. Outright. No more fucking guidance.
You get one chance at a skill check. If you fuck up, your party doesn't get their chance to do the same check. Think careful who's good at what.
Discussion of meta game details in game will result in instant damage to your character
Rules lawyering fellow players is encouraged. “Uhm Ackchtually”ing me will just result in me telling you to fuck off.
You roll your dice within view of two players who aren't you standard. You roll them neatly and you roll them on the table. Failing to do these three things will auto fail whatever roll you did. Arguing that you actually rolled validly when you clearly didn’t is an automatic critical fail.
Instant death traps and mechanics are coming into place. If you call these things unfair moving forward, I will laugh at you and tell you to fuck off and cry some more.
I will not give you random magical items and vendors will not stock them. They are meant to be rare and hard to acquire.
Random encounters in the form of random dragons or strange mysterious road trader or a band of goblin prostitutes isn't going to happen. Go play baldurs gate 3.
I don't give two fucks what reddit said about x or y ruling.
I actually give less of a fuck about what your mate's dnd group did
Saying anything to me about other players not liking me doing x or y without them saying it directly to me will result in me kicking you out of the group. Don't use someone else to push your own agenda.
You're not to sit down and have a two hour discussion about what Samson from Bundoora secondary did three weeks ago when you come to play. Take the 15-20 minutes I use to set up and review my notes to talk to eachother, then sit down to play.
Saying Shit like "guys come on we're not here to have fun we're here to play dnd, this is serious business” is rude and dismissive of how much work I put into this. I will simply go home if I hear this shit.
Don't fucking order food randomly. We will eat together at a specific time or not at all. I don't want food shit all over my things.
No food or drinks near any of my dnd gear. If you wreck something you can pay for it. I let one person trash my dm screen once and I never had it replaced by them. In fact I had that person attempt to gaslight me into believing they didn't wreck my shit at all. I'm not stupid, you're an adult. Accept responsibility.
Arguments between party members outside of roleplay will be resolved by me giving the definite ruling. If you don't like it, fuck off back home.
I don't give a fuck what they did in critical role or what that one guy on reddit said or if you think that it's all make believe so you can do what you want. The world I run works on internal rulings and lore I created specifically for it.
Every single person in this chat is having debuffs applied to their characters that should have occurred a long time ago. This will be specific to characters.
If you don’t bring your sheet, you don’t play.
If you don't bring dice, borrow some.
When we play dnd I'm not your friend. That doesn't mean you treat me like an enemy during the game. It means I'm no longer “being nice”.
If you treat me poorly in any way shape or form after or during or before the game due to something that happened in the game, you're out. If you cannot seperate a game from reality, I think you are a fucking moron, and I have little time to deal with that energy.
You will submit your spelllists daily (in game). If you do not give me a spell list each in game day, you will not be allowed to cast a single spell or cantrip in combat. I do not trust you guys to not use this against me.
If you do not mark off spell slots or you say something like "I remember what I'm at” as a way to justify it, I will simply fail your spell, deal half your health in damage to you and say you have no spells to cast for the rest of the day.
If you break literally anything you can buy the replacement that day or not attend till you do.
If you complain about the choice of music I fully expect you to bring the whole playlist the next session or to shut the fuck up.
Cannot stress enough how little I care about how you feel about my rulings from now on.
Oh and rule 44. I'm never just threatening you. I'm promising you.
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