—> Pairing : idol! Yang Jeongin x fem! reader
—> Summary : it started one summer night at some house party in the city where the two of you wound up tangling for an evening. since then, you both wrestled between something and nothing. You’re not sure how much you can handle and he is struggling to come to terms with the fact that he can’t see himself with anyone else but you. Until one night when he comes to you and lets it all out.
—> Warnings/tags : fluff, slight angst(?), comfort, reader and I.N are fwb’s in this, she fell first but he fell harder, we’re gonna pretend like the other man in this also got his happily ever after, no part two, one mention of reader, will probably add more to the tags later on
—> A/N : guys… this is not what I planned on posting after my unofficial break, but I watched Laufey’s Coachella performance and got inspired 🫶 I’m just glad I actually finished a piece for once
To taste something so perfect and know what eternal peace is like, only for it to be taken from you just when you start to think that you could get used to the flavor of it, is a torture like no other.
Which was just what my relationship with the maknae from the popular k-pop group, Stray Kids, was.
A permanent stinging on my heart that hissed like a papercut in between all of my fingers. I couldn't go a day without something spitting lemon juice into that wound. Couples walking down the street, cute posts on social media, matching pajamas hanging on racks. Reminders everywhere I turned.
At a couple of points in this dalliance, we came close to falling over that ledge and floating into my dreams. It was him that didn't want it and I kept quiet and endured all of it. It hurt less to ache over him for an indefinite amount of time than to cut all ties and drown in my sorrows.
However, I had been teetering on that line for a while now. I hadn't talked to Jeongin in a couple of months and he hadn't reached out either. Before, I would wait and wait and wait because he always came back. Now, I wasn't sure if I wanted him to come back.
I had to put up with intensive passive aggressive comments from family members over the holidays. I was getting older. Why wasn't I in a relationship? How come I hadn't gotten married yet? It's not like I could exactly tell them that I had been helplessly in love with this famous idol for years now and couldn't kill the hope that maybe one day I would change his mind. That I would be the exception.
Recently though, this guy was hired at my job. I didn't really take any notice of him at first. But then I bumped into him at the coffee shop by our office and realized that he looked a little like Jeongin. It scaped another wound onto my heart. I wanted to run from him and never have to see him again.
He saw me and came over to talk. Minutes turned into an hour and when I got home that evening, I figured out that maybe I could go on with my life.
The next week, he asked me to take our lunch together. The week after that, we exchanged numbers. And the following week, he asked me on a date. I went.
Each time that I spent time with this man, something inside me that had begun to bitter and wilt away, started to get a little greener. Not in the way that it was whenever Jeongin led us towards a relationship. No, this was something subtler. It felt like whenever a breeze blew through curtains or how an aloof cat finally warms and brushes itself along your bare legs. It was softer, less noticeable.
With Jeongin, it was fireworks and the adrenaline high that comes from a loud concert venue. I was alive whenever I was with him. Like I could do anything and even if I failed, he would be there to catch me and encourage me to try again.
So, I made a promise to myself to let things in the past live in the past. And I planned to keep that promise.
Or, I thought I could just overpower my own desires.
It happened one weekend. I was on a date with Seo-Joon and we were walking to a park near our office. Our hands kept brushing and it made butterflies flutter their delicate, little wings in my stomach. He was telling me about his parent's dog and a story of how he scraped his knee chasing the dog when he was a teenager.
The sun was shining brightly and it was a little chilly. I was grateful for my jacket each time that a light breeze brushed around us. He laughed as he recalled the memory and I smiled at him even though I wasn't really listening. I was caught up in my thoughts.
I was thinking about how I finally came to realize that falling in love didn't have to be loud for it to be good. And, how I wasn't sure if I wanted a quiet love.
My phone started buzzing in my pocket and I pulled it out to answer. I excused myself with a small apology and stepped a few feet away when I checked the name.
My heart sank to my feet.
I stared at the name as it continued to ring in the palm of my hand. A slow chill dripped down my body. I was thinking about how I missed his loud affections and here he was, reaching across the distance for me once again.
I watched the screen fade to black and bit down on the inside of my cheek. My thoughts, my emotions, my desires all swirled around like a dust storm inside of my head. I wanted him. I would always want him.
But, Seo-Joon was waiting for me and seemed more than ready to embrace me fully into his life as the person to spend the rest of it with.
I let out a shaky breath and answered.
"Hey [reader]." Jeongin started with. His voice echoed around a room on his end and sounded unsure. Concern laced itself around me.
"It's been a while." I replied. My brows furrowed together as I stepped further away from Seo-Joon. I didn't want to reveal myself before he did.
"Yeah...Uhm, are you busy right now? I want to see you." He asked, the words came out with difficulty. I glanced down at my shoes. I shouldn't have answered the call.
"Kind of. Is it important or is it just...that?" I questioned, carefully dancing around the word. I was overtly aware of my date that waited patiently for me.
"Uh, well, yeah. I-I just need...I thought I should call-I just have something to tell you. It can't wait." He stammered. I rubbed at my face.
"Jeongin, if this has to do with your career then it can wait. I don't even know why you'd want to tell me about it anyways if I'm just gonna see it on the news in a couple weeks." I huffed at him.
The street was a little busy and would get busier in the next hour once everyone clocked out of work. Seo-Joon and I managed to get out earlier than usual so we could hangout together. Leaves scattered along the pavement and despite the sun being out, everything was still painted in the shadows of fall.
"No, no. I wouldn't call for something as unimportant as that. Can we meet up? Please?" He pleaded. I could hear the desperation straining against his own will in his voice. I was worried about him even if I didn't want to be.
My stomach turned with the idea of being a bad person and leaving Seo-Joon. Surely, it would be fine? We didn't really have anything planned today. We were just going to walk home.
"Please. I need to see you." He begged once more.
"Okay. Meet me at my place." I finally replied and ended the call before he could say anything else.
I came back to Seo-Joon and he smiled softly at me. I returned it and asked him to continue telling his story as we started walking again. He took my hand in his and I fought the urge to recoil. I hated the way that Jeongin could make me fold over so easily. I hated that I wasn't strong enough to beat down my curiosity and be content enough with things being easy.
Seo-Joon and I parted ways at the corner of my street and I slipped into autopilot as my thoughts began to circle me. Here he was again. Yang Jeongin. The man that haunted me everywhere I went. He had been a welcome phantom for a while. A girlish crush that brought me glee as I toyed with the idea of what-if when it came to him. Then it had become something less appetizing as I was forced to face the reality of him being an idol. It was so rare for someone in his position to enter a relationship.
I cleaned up a little around my house and waited in the kitchen. I flitted back and forth between cabinets as I adjusted and readjusted items. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the doorbell chimed. I was flung back into my body and stood there in the silent kitchen for a moment as I mentally prepped myself for this encounter.
When opened the door, I knew I hadn't prepared myself well enough. He looked as handsome as ever. However, he wore no makeup and that boyish charm of his gleamed brighter because of it. His eyes lifted to mine and gave me a chance to read him. It was easy, I had learned all of his tells a long time ago.
An ache like one I had never seen before swam in those eyes. One that resembled something like the pain that I had been holding onto, too afraid to unlatch from it because it was much more comfortable to hurt over this familiar thing than something new.
We watched each other for a moment. He waited with bated breath as I took the time to look at him and decide whether I wanted to him to come in or not. He would leave if I didn't allow him, both of us knew that he wouldn't force anything.
I stepped to the side and opened the door wider for him. His tense shoulders curled in slightly with a soft exhale of relief when he moved past me. I stared out at the open street for a few seconds then turned and followed him in.
He waited in the living room, standing stiffly and his attention flicking from item to item like he was trying to see if anything had changed. Usually, he would come in and take a seat in the center of the couch as if he had lived here all his life. It was different now and I wasn't sure why. Even when there were long breaks between us, he always came back with the same ease. Why was it different now?
I stood a few feet away and crossed my arms, a weak attempt to protect myself from whatever he came here to tell me. Jeongin ran his fingers through his hair and blew out a sharp breath before he faced me. I blinked patiently at him.
"It's been a while." He tried to joke. It landed poorly. A nervous smile twitched on his face and he glanced away.
"What did you need to tell me?" I asked softly, leaning back onto my right foot.
He reached up and started rubbing his earlobe as an anxious laugh bubbled out of him. "Uhm, well..."
Seeing him struggle to bring up whatever it was bugging him made my insides squeeze. I sighed quietly to myself then crossed the room and gently grabbed his elbow. His brows shot up as he whipped around in shock at my touch. Odd. I guided him to the couch and pressed onto his shoulder until he sat.
"Relax. It's just me." I reassured him. The way he was acting was concerning me. If he was this stressed out about telling me whatever it was that was eating him up, then I would try a little to help him out. I sat down beside him.
"Yeah, that's kind of the problem." He mumbled. I turned my head and he watched his hands as his fingers fidgeted, pulling and rolling them between each other. Beautiful hands that I had come to know so well. I could recognize them out of a thousand.
"What's going on?" I urged him. He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes.
"I don't think I can keep doing this with you." He let out at last.
It didn't hit me all at once. It came in waves. Shock first. All of this had always been initiated by him, every time he came back and every time he left. It had always been him. And he wanted to end it? If anything, it should be my place to end things.
Then came the pain. Was there something that I had done that brought this on? Why now of all times? I went through every possibility in the few seconds that he allotted me to think. Another woman? His work found out? He was fighting a scandal? After all this time, after how much I yearned for this man, it's ending. It should be a relief, right? That I won't have to pine over someone who didn't ever seem to want me in any other way except physical.
I beat down the lump in my throat through sheer will. I would not let him see me cry.
"Okay." I breathed out, the strongest I could make myself sound. Still, it wavered and came out weak.
"I just...It's bad for me." He continued, never expanding on anything.
"Wha-...Why? What do you mean by that?" I questioned. He opened his eyes and faced me. They shimmered with tears. Tears? What did he have to cry about?
"Please, believe me. It's not because of you. Or, well, I guess it is. But, it's not your fault. This is on me." He urged, grasping one of my wrists in two of his hands, squeezing slightly as he spoke. I looked away, finding the wall to be a safer choice.
"What are you talking about?" I sighed.
"I did my best to keep this to myself. I did everything I could do to make sure that this never affected you. I can't anymore. It's like someone is driving a stake into my chest over and over again. It hurts so much and I can't bear it any longer." He told me, a small whine in his voice. My fingernails dug into the palms of my hands.
"I...You are...l don't know how to say this in a easy way. I'm in love with you. I have been in love with you for a long time. I thought that if I started this relationship with you, then it'd be easier for me, for us, to be together. But, the distance and not being able to fully be yours...It's torture."
I stiffened up as his words washed over me. My heart started thudding in my ears and I made myself meet his eyes because if I saw his face then I would know whether or not he was lying to me.
"You love me? You love me?" I repeated. My free hand gripped the edge of my shorts. He nodded swiftly, scooting closer as he did so.
"More than everything. It's always been you. I sing just so you will hear it, I go on stage and give my all just to hear your praise, I have been seeing you like this for so long because it was the only way I knew how to be near you. I can't do it anymore. I've made you suffer because of it. I know that you get up in the middle of the night whenever I stay over and sit in silence on the side of the bed because of what I pushed on us." He took a breath and dropped his head.
"I didn't know how to fix things after a certain point. So, I just carried on because it was easier than trying to find a solution. I don't deserve someone like you. You're perfect. So patient and understanding. I love when I get to wake up to your bedhead and groggy face. I love when I get to see you after my concerts and hear the adrenaline in your voice. I just love you."
"Jeongin, do you know what you're saying?" I muttered, trying to meet his gaze.
"I mean everything. Every single moment that I have spent with you is the only thing I think about when I can't be with you. You are the reason for everything that I do. The guiding light in my life, the lighthouse in the storm of my job. You make everything bearable and I have been so mean to you." His voice cracked on the last word.
I reached forward and lifted his chin. A hot tear dropped from his lashes and stained his cheek. I was aching to embrace him, to scream from the top of the world. But I was conflicted. I had endured so much for so long, only for it to come out on some random night. It hurt just as much as it filled me with joy.
I wiped the tear off his cheek.
I said nothing for a minute. Each second I didn’t say anything was excruciating for him, I knew it. He was visibly shrinking as time passed. I had to come to terms with it all. To share what I thought would be right to share. There were things I needed to weigh before I said anything back.
Then that minute was up and I had made the decision that had been laid out for me. It was easier than I thought it would be.
"I love you too. God, you have no idea." I laughed sadly as I thought about the endless nights where I stayed up staring at his sleeping face and wishing that I could live in those hours for the rest of my life. "But it's been so hard loving you. You never made it easy for me. For so long, I thought that I could live with this one-sided love and be okay with it. I couldn't though. I can't just accept this."
"I know. I know. I don't expect you to. I just needed to tell you. I needed you to hear me tell you how sorry I am. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did this to you. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I only ever wanted you to be happy and I caused you to deal with pain on your own." He nodded, more tears slipping down his cheeks and I caught each one.
"But, that doesn't mean that I'm not willing to try." I whispered to him, leaning in a little with a small smile. His brows pinched slightly together in confusion. "I love you. And I'm willing to try. The right way this time. I'm not allowing you to tell me all of this and give you everything you want after all the heartbreak I had to live through. But, I love you and I can't let you go so, I want us to try it the right way. Do you want to?"
He stared at me for a moment before the sweetest smile graced his face and lit the room with a warmth that my house had not felt since the last time it heard his bright laughter. He took one of my hands and kissed the inside of my wrist.
"Yes. I want to try. I would do anything for you. I would walk ten thousand miles and more with nails in my feet for you. I love you more than life itself. There is nothing that could stop me, except you, from loving you. I promise that I'll do it right this time." He vowed and I laughed a little at his dramatics. His eyes were filled with adoration as he stared unguarded at my face, his gaze darting about as he examined every aspect of my features.
I leaned in and pressed a delicate kiss to his soft lips. He smiled wider against my mouth then kissed me back, deeper and filled with the passion of a man that was undeniably in love with one woman.
