“Okay, that’s a used napkin.”
“Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book.”
“It’s so hard to be a lizard.”
“Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.”
“For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.”
“JUGGLING! We can do juggling, and JUGGLE OUR CARES AWAY!”
“Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.”
“Where are all the sour patch parents?”
“Art is a lie. NOTHING IS REAL.”
“What’s a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.”
“And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.”
“YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13 year old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.”
“Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.”
“The world’s not sad! The world’s funny! I get it now- I’m a sociopath!”
“What the fuck’s a g-spot.”
“I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?” So I didn’t exist.”
“Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.”
“When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.”
“Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don’t smoke… tumors.”
“If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?”
“Being a comedian isn’t capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public- it’s being a HERO!”
“Why are you wearing a condom?! I’m fucking you with a strap-on!”
“Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones; or masturbate during the daytime.”
“If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn’t respect that.”
‘Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.”
“Pages are blank. I know it. Why am I lying to you?”
“What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”
“He was lashing out with sexist language because he had his heart broken.”
“I don’t think that I can handle this right now.”
“Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers? Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should… fix that. It’s good to know that somebody finally gets me!”
“I’m constipated, couldn’t give a shit.”
“I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I’d like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.”
‘Love is all about… whistles.”
“WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?! I cried myself to sleep!”
“There’s a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?”
“I love your eyes and their bluish, brownish, greenish colour.”
“Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.”
“You guys like impressions? Why?”
“I like oreos and pussy! Yes, in that order!”
“So, basically, you’re still a little bitch.”
“I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me…”
“I cried for at least an hour after watching Toy Story 3.”
“My love’s the kind of thing you’ve got to earn, and when you earn it, you won’t need it.”
“There’s a trillion aliens cooler than you.”
“I’m just being alive! You should try it, you might LIIIIKE it.”
“I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.”
“I’m a little all over the place, but I’m lustful, and trustful, and I’m just lookin’ for somebody to love.”
“I saw a flyer for a lost dog; and the dog didn’t have any legs.”
“Because this is a metaphor for racism!”
“If I had a million dollars, I’d pay for sex with your mom. Afterwards, I’d probably invest the remaining 999,990 dollars TEN DOLLARS FOR SEX WITH YOUR MOM. COMEDY.”
“I WANNA BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A BLUNT OBJECT.”
“Goodbye, sadness! Hello, jokes.”
“Tragedy will be exclusively joked about.”
“I can’t fit my hand inside a pringles can.”
“Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn’t be a dick?!”
“But the truth is, my biggest problem is you. I want to please you, but I want to stay true to myself.”
“Look, maybe there’s something that we can do together.”
“So I should probably just shut up, and do my job.”
“So, sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact.”
“Lick your lips to make it more comfortable.”
“Have you ever stopped to see a bluebird drop from a tree, and take to the air? Me neither.”
“The people in my life are like grains of sand, ‘cause they stick together. …often near my butthole.”
“The people in my life are like blades of grass, ‘cause they’re all so grounded. But at least grass stays away from my BUTTHOLE!”
“If Mama is right, and the world is my oyster; then I must have an allergy to shellfish.”
