You will never not matter
(Side note : thank you guys so much for the love and patience for this, I hope you all enjoy this. Ps there is a trigger warning , mentions of depression and ED. Link to story # 1. FDL)
I’ve stayed off social media for what feels like forever. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of that night, I feel so guilty I shut my stream down so soon but I didn’t know what to do. I just feel so alone and useless. I haven’t had a proper meal in days, unless you count monster then technically yes but monster is not food. I’m getting off topic.
That’s the orders the text messages go. Every hour they text me. Amy at 3:00, Mark at 3:10 , Kat at 3:20 and Tyler at 3:30, then it just repeats, but never a message from him. I mute them all. I never answered. It’s awful but I can’t bear the thoughts and memories that could flood back up. I haven’t even watched a single unus annus video either, that’s their new project, or somewhat new. It’s ending soon and I feel terrible that I couldn’t be a part of it somehow. I always help Mark with everything he does.
‘Who the fuck is at my door?’ I thought to myself. I pulled my oversized hoodie on and some flannel pj bottoms. I slid on my pink fuzzy bunny slippers and made my way downstairs. I looked out the little window but because of the glass design I couldn’t tell. What’s the worst that could happen at this point? I opened the door and there were all four of them. Mark and Amy up front while Tyler and Katherine were in the back. I did a half ass grin. Mark frowned, nearly crying. That’s fucking broke my heart.
“Hey” he said, his voice breaking a little bit.
“Hi” I said very soft and hoarsely. Mark just broke down in tears and hugged me.
“Y/n....” he paused, he put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me.
“You are so loved. We all love you very much. We care about you. We’ve been worried sick but we understand you need space and time. But there’s someone here who wants you to hear it from them” he paused. I looked at him wided eyed. He stepped back and looked at Amy, then to Tyler and Katherine, they all nodded. They all stepped to the side.
I could thrown up,passed out, punch him and kissed him all at the same time. But we just stared at each other.
Amy looked at Ethan then me. She placed her hand ever so gently on Marks shoulder and looked at him, he looked back.
“We should give them some space” they all agreed, except Ethan. As they walked to Marks car, Ethan was frozen. It felt like an eternity. His eyes swiftly moved to his feet.
“C-can I come in?” He asked, looking back up at me with tears in his eyes.
“Yeah” I said softly. He walked near my door, took off his shoes and entered. I shut the door. As soon as I closed it he hugged me, crying. God I feel so awful. I hugged him back tighter than I ever have before. I still love this man. I love him so fucking much. We stood there for what felt like forever.
“You will never not matter” he whispered into my ear. My spine shivered. I cried even harder.
“It’s okay to let it out. I’m so sorry for everything. I don’t even know what I was thinking” he said. He pulled back and looked at me, hands on my shoulders. “Rebecca isn’t in the picture anymore” he half smiled. “We can start all over again, like the good old days Y/N!”
I finally noticed my blue haired boy wasn’t blue anymore, he was back to brown.
“You dyed your hair back?” I asked. I touched his hair. I remembered my chuck of faded blue hair and I touched it. He looked at my hair.
“Yeah, long story” he chuckled. I smiled. I took his hand and held it up to my mouth.
“Ethan Nestor” I looked at him. “ you are the light of my life and I’d never trade you for nothing. Nothing in the world is worth more than you” I kissed it. He looked at my teary eyed. He grabbed my waist and I held the back of his neck.
Finally, after months and months of waiting. I finally got to kiss my baby again.
December in la is beautiful. Mainly because it doesn’t snow but the weather is beautiful. Tonight is our Christmas party. Just us 6 at our annual secret Santa party. I got Ethan a brand new limited edition animal crossing switch. I know he’s gonna love it. I placed it in a baby yoda bag with black and white paper to hide it better. Walking into Marks house is like a childhood memory that is so faded it almost feel like deja vu. I knocked on the door and Amy opened it up. She looked so cute in her “ugly” sweater, an all red jumper with blue and yellow circles and squares.
“You made it” she said, reaching her arms out and hugging me. We all decided to go out by ourselves to get the gifts and meet at Marks house.
“I’m so excited, is everyone here yet?” I asked peaking around her. She laughed.
“Yeah, but don’t worry we haven’t been waiting too long” she said stepping to the side. I thanked her with a quick bow, bad habit I know. And slipped my shoes off, running to Marks decked out Christmas edition living room. His living room is so beautiful during Christmas. I started to run over to Mark who was sitting on the floor with an empty spot, who I assumed that Amy was sitting there, and next to her was my empty spot, then Ethan, Tyler and Katherine.
“There she is” he said, I crouched down and gave him a hug. I stood back up to give Katherine and Tyler a hug. “We’ve been waiting all day for you” he said looking at his watch. Amy walked back over and slapped his shoulder, sitting back down.
“Be nice Mister or no gifts for you” I let go of Tyler while chuckling about Mark pretending to be injured. I sat by Ethan and gave him a quick kiss.
“Bleh” Mark said, sticking his tounge out like a child. Amy looked at him and he stuck his tounge right back into his mouth. I giggled.
“Okay so who’s going first?” Katherine asked, clapping her hands together. “Because not to brag but I think I have the best gift here” she said flipping her hair. We all laughed.
It’s been such a good night. Hours and hours have passed filled with laughter and eggnog.
“Hey Y/N?” Amy looked at me. I smiled at her. “You never got your gift” she said.
“Yeah I did, what are you talking about?” I asked her, laughing a bit.
“No I think you might’ve gotten two secret santas” she said spinning me around. Ethan was down on one knee.
“Y/n m/n” he started. I could feel the water works starting up. “Your are the light of my life, the sun to my darkness, my Zelda and I’m Link” I smiled at him. “I want you to be in my life for the rest of my years and to constantly remind you every day, every night, every minute, every second, that you are loved no matter what”. I lost it. I started crying and nodding my yes.
“Yes Ethan, a thousand times yes!” I said. He stood up and placed the beautiful diamond ring onto my left hand. I hugged him so tight I thought he was gonna pop. Everyone was clapping and cheering.
As we laid in ethans bed, I couldn’t help but the look at the ring. He rolled onto his side and smiled. I looked at him.
“I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you” I said. Propping myself up onto my elbow. He smiled.
“Did you look on the band yet?” He asked. I looked at him confused. I slowly took the ring off and grabbed my phone. I turned on the flash and seen the engraving on the side.
‘ you will never not matter’
“It’s a remind for when I’m not around that you are loved no matter what” we both smiled and kissed each other and shut the lights off, falling asleep in each other’s arms.
