If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand
Hope you find out what you are; already know what I am
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again
You can tell me how vile I already know that I am
Jasper: Jasper was close to the edge, teetering on the boundaries of common sense, and being off the fucking rails. It wasn't like he was normal already, spending years in a multitude of police custody and mental hospitals-- that's not very normal. But, there were times when the already self loathing teenager, although as boisterous and, uh, normal, as he might have seemed,he was anything but. He was sadistic, he was masochistic, and he was everything in between. He found pleasure in pain, and yet, he still felt empty inside. A hole had been eating away at his heart ever since he could remember, ever since the thoughts began, and he had grown weary. It could never be filled, no matter how much pleasure he ever had. Or, so he thought. Then, Ella came along, and she's beautiful, and sarcastic, and she makes his heart beat in ways he didn't even know was possible. And he could admit that even a small part of that hole was filled, but no, it still wasn't enough to matter. She probably didn't care about him, but she was the only one he had. The only person who had talked to him without fucking off. His aunt doesn't acknowledge his existence, his sister is God knows where, and his parents, well, that was all his fault. He was alone. Trapped in the labyrinth that was his own fucking mind. And the only way he could ever get out of it was straight and fast. He had been planning this, he just didn't know when he would execute his plan. He had written Ella a letter. One letter. It didn't say much other than "I'm sorry, I love you." But, at least, it got the point across. It was today. No one would ever notice he was gone. He had nicked a gun from somewhere, and it was tucked away in his pockets. If he wanted to die, he wanted to do it quickly. Fast. He wanted to make a point. Get the point across. Straight. He was going to do it at the abandoned psychiatric hospital, one final show. Oh, the irony. The place he was sent as a result from killing only to die there. It was a twist. A little flair to his already sullen death. He could feel his heart breaking as he thought about it. The thought he would never see Ella again, not that she cared. The thought that he would never hold her. The thought that just ONE girl could make him feel so... stupid. It sickened him. It made his chest tighten at the mere thought. But, for some reason, he enjoyed it. He was, after all, masochistic. He left the house after it was dark, his aunt wasn't going to be bothered of his whereabouts, probably not even going to be fazed by the fact he would never return. The first stop was at Ella's though, where he slid the letter under the door, and rang the bell. He sprinted after that, not looking back until he was certain he was nowhere in sight. The time he got to the asylum he pried the rotting wood off the concealed door, making a bigger opening than the one he had made the last time him and Ella had came, and he slid through. He went to the room, once again, and he was alone. Completely solitary, and ready to die. No one could find him, because he didn't know where he was. But, yet, he hesitated. He slid the gun out of his pocket, and study it. The ridges, the barrel, the trigger. It fit in the palm of his hand, but it could inflict so much damage. So much pain. He decided to sit, and wait. For nothing in particular. But, he wanted to spend his last moments feeling content. Feeling something, before he became irrelevant to this Earth once more. He was still alive, but he already felt like a rotting corpse. He put the gun in his mouth now, his finger on the trigger, and he held it there, just about to push his finger down, and shoot himself. Bang. He's gone.
Ella: Ella was a lot of things. Insecure. Moody. Indifferent. Apathetic. She had her heart broken rarely and it was a difficult thing to love someone like her. There wasn't anything good about her. She was just someone who hurt too goddamn much and she just hid it with sarcasm. There was only about one person who understand her and that was Paddy. They didn't talk about that shit they just let it be. He was her best friend and she cared deeply about him but she just never told him. But jasper.... He was different. He saw her for who she was and yet he still wanted to be with her in that way. Although they made out and kissed it didnt mean that they were special or that she was special. She knew that she wasn't special. She was just a girl who had sold the world that she created and gave it for ransom to people who didn't give a shit. She was always tossed aside and was always pissed it. It didn't matter by who she was just always pissed on by people. She knew that she should probably show her love more and be more nicer to people but her heart was so cold and numb it physically hurt her to open up to people. The only way she knew how to open up to people was by drinking. She drank and she drank and she drank until there was nothing left. That's how she started off her night; happy as happy as Ella could be, and then it slowly progressed to... Nothing. Her smiles if she ever did smile were hollow and used up the minute she woke up. She was sad, depressed even but she never showed it. She had now gotten up when she heard the door knock and then she answered it, looking to see a note. She looked down and read it and then she... Cried. She cried because she saw what it said and she couldn't hold it in any longer. She ran as fast as she could though her body was so weak she ran away and when she got there to the place. The hospital she stopped and closed her eyes opening the door and going through. She looked through all the rooms until she found him. She went over to him now and then grabbed the gun and held it to her own head. "I will shoot myself before you do it." She was gulping because she did love him and she was fucking terrified but she did love him and it was killing her. She starved herself for days so she could be lovely for him. She couldn't see and then she said it. "I love you." She wiped away the tears. "I never told you how in love with you I am. It's not fair to both of us."
Jasper: His eyes were closed, ready to pull the trigger, when it was suddenly yanked from his hands. Confused, and irritated, he opened his eyes to see Ella, a gun to her own head, marks all over her body. She hurt herself. Some did it mentally, some did it physically. This was where these two differed. He was one for mental. He would be his own mindfuck. Play his own damn head games. He'd just end up back where he started, miserable and alone. Jasper's face contorted, his eyebrows furrowing at the sight in from of him. He was tired, and he was disappointed. He felt as if the dam was going to break, and it would wash him away with it. But, he didn't know when. The irritation was replaced by concern, his heart nearly stopping in his chest when he heard the words the slipped past her lips. He lurched forward, and knocked the gun out of her hands, it falling to the floor with a loud clatter. It wasn't fair. That they were two fucking miserable people, who had done miserable things, neither knew the other's secret. Jasper wasn't even sure what sort of secret Ella had. But, they loved each other, and that would have been completely fucking meaningless if the other were to die. He knew now, that if he had her, then he didn't need to die. He had some sort of meaning, and that meaning was the blonde who was standing in front of him. Jasper didn't speak for a few moments, he just stared, a look of complete anguish across his face. He stepped forward and the dam finally broke, and he was crying for the first time-- ever. He walked up to her, and wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her close, and just sobbed. He felt weak, he hated that feeling, but at the moment, it was something he needed greatly. He wanted to be a good guy, but he knew he wasn't one, and, for the longest time, Jasper dreamed of eating a barrel full of death by shotgun. He didn't need a gun to feel dead, it was a feeling he was greatly used to by now. But, her, Ella, sparked something inside him. It ignited that small flame on the candle that had yet to be even lit. "I know you don't think this," he began, still holding her close. "But, I fuckin' care, I do. More than anything. But, I'm sorry you're in love with someone who is completely fuckin' worthless."
Ella: Ella had seen the gun fly across her and she wasn't sure what to think of everything. Her brain wasn't processing much of what was happening at the moment. Her eyes locked with the gun and then she closed her eyes. Absorbing everything in her mind. Ella thought about death, too. It was her friend. The way she thought about death it was happiness in a way. She hurt herself because she had control. She never had control as a child. She couldn't make her brother stay. She couldn't stop her father from killing her mother. She couldn't stop her mother from hurting herself. Ella couldn't stop herself from hating herself. Ella hated herself so much, she made herself sick. She drowned in guilt and her own self pity. She was a Martin, they never asked for help, and the only time you'll ever hear an "I love you" utter from their lips is as if you're dying or leaving. Both Martins had trouble with this: Luke couldn't take Franky leaving him. Ella couldn't take Jasper leaving her. Or anyone she was "close" with leaving her. Her world revolved around a single book - that book - was her lifeline. But then she found friends. This is the first place she felt... Almost at home with. She stayed here the longest as well, too. Ella acted like she didn't care as well but when she looked at Jasper she used her thumb to take away his tears. She wiped her eyes on her jacket sleeve but looked at the boy in front of her. She loved him because he gave her attention, he told her she was beautiful, and he held her, and he was gentle with her. She never had gentle once in her life. It terrified her but she loved it. She had so much love in her heart but the thought of letting it out, showing her cards, scares her to death. She did want to be loved. She did. She took his face in her hands and then kissed him, hard. She saw Luke do this to Franky. And she took after him because she was the closest father figure she had. Ella had her own secrets he had his own. She wasn't sure if either would share but she did love him. And it tasted funny in her mouth but she did. "I've never belonged to anybody. Nor have I ever loved anybody. You..." Her voice shakes. "You can't... Leave." She says now. She wouldn't allow him to leave her. She'd do anything to make him stay. "Because maybe... Maybe I need you."
Jasper: Jasper didn't let go for a long time after this. He never had this feeling. Of holding someone so special in his arms. Of crying. Of feeling. This was the first fucking thing he had felt in his entire life, and he didn't know how to feel about it. His vocal chords had gone awry, and it left him speechless, and floundering. He just cried, and cried, and stroke the back of her hair as gently as he could. Jasper wasn't a gentle person. He broke every damn thing he came in contact, and Ella looked so damn fragile he wouldn't be surprised if he broke her too. But, she was tough, and he would be careful, because for once in his short, fucked up, insignificant life, he had something that mattered, and it was her. After awhile, he pulled away, and looked at her. She was crying, and it made him want to hold her even more. She kissed him, and even though, they had kissed before, it left his lips with a tingly feeling. He wanted more, and if he had died, he never would've felt those lips against his ever again. As she spoke, he could feel himself start to cry again. He didn't like crying. It was an unfamiliar territory for him. Jasper shook his head, now, and pulled her in for a kiss once more. He pulled away after a moment or so, resting his forehead against hers. "So," he began, taking a moment to take a deep breath, his heart beating loudly in his chest. For a second, he thought it might escape. "If we maybe.. need each other, would you be my.." Jasper paused once more, unsure of whether he should finish the statement. "My girlfriend?" By the end, his voice was nothing more than a mere whisper. He never had a girlfriend. Hell, he never had a friend. This experience, this experience was a new one for both of them, and if she said yes, then, they were in it together.
Ella: Ella was terrified. This is the first time she has ever actually been terrified. She didnt know how to love people or things. The thought of loving someone else kind of scared her because she was so good at hiding and concealing things. She took it out on herself because that was easy. It didnt hurt her at all. She was just numb. Jasper had made her feel again. Almost. She would still get drunk after this, she would get completely fucked up after this because that's who Ella was. Loving someone was a scary, scary thing. When you care your heart becomes vulnerable and that's fucking dangerous. She was never once vulnerable - maybe when she was a kid - but that was with her brother. When she stopped eating for days she allowed herself to become a sullen bitch who had a sassy attitude because that's how she held herself. She knew she could be annoying, and be a complete self righteous cunt to people and she wasn't going to change that for anyone. She knows that there will be hard days coming for her and jasper. She doesn't know if she'll cheat because she doesn't know how to act. When she loves, it's fierce... Just showing that is the problem. She fucked people up to forget. So when he asks she stops herself and then she nods now. She would be his girlfriend because she's never belonged to anyone and being his would be something special... Different. She never had a boyfriend, and as far as she knows, no one has liked her ever. There want much to like. She kissed him now, pushing him down and then took her shirt off, exposing her scars now, every single one of them. She showed him her shipwrecks, all the places she's been abandoned, destroyed. She brought him closer, taking off her pants as well, allowing herself to be completely open now. She kissed him again, her tongue swirling with his, biting down on his bottom lip, her hands forming on his arms, going up, feeling his skin, and then she laid herself in the ground waiting for him. Just waiting for him.
Jasper: Jasper watched her intently. The thoughts were swirling around in his mind. A lot of girls would've fucked him just because he was crazy-- they just needed a fuck. He would sneak people into the hospitals and screw them, and smoke, and snort. Do whatever the fuck he liked. The guards were easy to fool when you were insane. But, Jasper wasn't insane. Not really. His mind was just different. It was like a machine, actually. The gears turning, processing all of his past moves, and future ones. But, Ella made those gears slow. Made his brain all foggy. He was just scared. He was just a kid. No one gave a shit about him. Or at least, not anymore. He wondered if Ella would run if he told her how crazy he actually was. Then, again, the people who claim to be insane very rarely are. Though, it might've been different in his case. Maybe. Everything is moving slowly, now. The adrenaline that once rushed through him putting a temporary slow on all of his senses. She's taking off her shirt now. He sees scars. She's kissing him now, but he's so stunned by the little marks on her skin that he doesn't reciprocate. He reaches out and gently traces one of them. Under his clothes, the dull aches of his own wounds snapped him back a little. She was on the floor now, she wasn't wearing pants, and there was a feeling in the pit of Jasper's stomach. Dear God, she was beautiful. He might've been getting a hard on, but he could care less. He tore off his own shirt now and climbed on top of her, the back of his hand gently going up to her cheek, caressing her smooth skin. He leaned down to kiss her, his lips meeting hers in an almost instantaneously movement. He knew this wasn't going to be easy. Not at all. But, he was willing, if anything. He just wanted to help.
Ella: Her hands went to his face, the other at the back of his neck and she brought him closer to her, he was so much better than her. She fucked people because she could, and she hurt people because she could. The one thing her and her brother had in common was they liked to fuck people up and they liked to watch as they build each other up again and Ella loved having that over people. She may act like an idiot a lot of the time and she may be a bit dull in some areas like love but she couldn't help it. She had gone so long without love that now she had to experience it again. And it was going to hurt; it was going to hurt real bad, but if she tried - and she would try real hard - but it might not be enough. The future of their relationship would scare her. If something went bad she'd runaway. Her aunt taught her that running away was good. Her brother did as well. If she didnt like the town then she'd move and Ella would have to come along. It killed her loving someone. Absolutely scared her she didnt think she could bear it. She had then wrapped her legs around him, and held him close to her. This wasn't just a random fuck. No, he meant something more. The asylum was their place. It was broken and abandoned but they were two people who were broken and abandoned. Ella might always be but Jasper had good in him and she saw it. She would go back to her old ways and it was scary, but she wanted it.
Jasper: Jasper had never had a real relationship. With anyone. Not with his peers, or his parents, or his sisters. He had sex. Sex, and that was it. In fact, up until he had met Ella, he thoroughly believed he wasn't capable of feeling. That his heart wasn't a heart, but actually some weird substitution. It didn't beat, merely filled. Keeping him alive on those days he wished he wasn't, which was everyday. He flipped Ella over now, and they were both on their sides. Ella was broken, beaten, battered, bruised. So was Jasper, but he was hiding it. He had hid it. Under that sarcastic tone of hers, though, someone was bound to sense it eventually. She thought he had good in him. She could see he had good in him. But, he wasn't sure what he was seeing. There wasn't. There might've been love, but there wasn't good. If there was good, then he would've been a normal kid. He would've done normal things. He would've been normal. But, Jasper wasn't normal. He leaned in and kissed Ella now, his hand resting on her side where he could feel the scars under his calloused fingers. He didn't want to leave now, and by the looks of it, neither did she. So they did. He got up, and dragged a mattress on the floor now. It was unspoken that they were staying, they both knew when they saw the mattress. Jasper climbed onto it, and waited for Ella to get on. When she did, he held her, and stroked her arm with his free hand slowly. They fell asleep that way. They were broken people, nonbelievers, complete loss of faith, but they still believed in fairy tales to some extent. This was their own little fucked up fairy tale.
Ella: Because I'm a selfish fucking prick who doesn't know a good thing when she's got it so I go to these vast extents and hurt myself in the process because of it. I might not have been in jails or hospitals but I've been from countries to cities, running away is easy for me. It doesn't hurt. I liked you because you're different, I love you because you're insane but in a way you keep me in check. I just... Don't know what else to do.
Jasper: We all have our faults. Though, running away doesn't do anything. It's making it hurt, it's just numbing the pain. So when you finally come to a stop it hits you full force. I am different. But, there's always going to be someone different for us. You were different to me. You are different to me. But, it doesn't mean your excused from learning. It's different, this. And if we're going to do something, you're going t'have to work with me, El. No more running.
Ella: No, I'm not trying to fuck off. I don't want to. I just don't know how else to deal with shit that's been giving. My brother he uh... He used to be my everything then he left me. Left me with that fucking cunt of an aunt who never cared. I'm lonely and i don't want to be.
Jasper: You don't want to? Then you proceed to fuck off? Yeah. I get it. I'm lonely too. We're all fucking lonely. It's going to happen sometimes. But I'm reaching out, and I'm offering, and you're just pushing me away. You think I don't know what it's like to be left? What it's like to be uncared for? Tossed around? Ten years of my fucking life were wasted bouncing between jails and institutions, but I'm not going to stop now. I was perfectly fine killing myself, but then you gave me a reason to try. I love you, Ella. Why the fuck isn't that enough?
Ella: You know facing the problem and shit. Tried offing myself.
Ella: I don't know. Everyone I've ever loved never cared for me. They either fucked off or died.
Jasper: Ella, what the fuck? And I'm now just hearing about this? Look. I understand. You've been hurt, but you have to believe when I say I don't see me doin' any sort of that stupid shit in the future. I'm not everyone, and I'm not fucking off, and I'm not dying. But, the real question is, are you?
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