A year ago, on December 18, 2017, I woke up to one of the worst news that, never in my life, did I ever think I would experience.
Some of you probably know or have already seen bits of them on my blog, but I am a K-pop fan. To narrow it down, I’m a huge fan of the K-pop band SHINee. And a year ago, the entire community was shaken up when Kim Jonghyun of SHINee took his own life and left this world. He was struggling with depression and decided that it was time to let go.
For me, personally, as someone who had admired Jonghyun, I was devastated. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I cried for days. I listened to sad music. I went through the 5 stages of grief several times in one day, denying and accepting and then back to denying and then trying to accept. Over and over again. It felt like time was moving for everyone else, but it had stopped for me.
No matter what your opinion is on K-pop, whether it’s positive, negative, or neutral, hear me out.
It might seem silly, to feel so much grief and pain for someone who didn’t even know who I was. But, he was someone who made such a great impact on my life, whether he realized it or not.
More than an idol and a singer, Jonghyun was many things. He was a poet and a writer, writing close to a hundred songs for himself, his group, and other artists, as well as releasing a book of short stories. In a society where being LGBT+ is still considered taboo, he was an ally. He was open about his depression and was not shy about shedding tears. He apologized when he did wrong and never shied away from admitting that he was ignorant and always strove to become a better person.
He was a good friend, not just to his colleagues in the industry but also to his fans, as he hosted an after-hours radio show for 3 years and provided advice to those who needed it. And he loved music more than life itself. That’s probably why, before he left this world, he decided to give the world one last gift in an album he worked so hard on.
I could write endlessly about Jonghyun. About how kind he was. How loving he was. How funny he was. How he had big dreams for himself, his group, and his family.
How much he loved his dog, Roo. How he adored his mother and sister. How addicted he was to tattoos and had so many. How he hated summer and loved winter. How his goal was to learn how to play every instrument in existence.
One time, he saw two cockroaches and wrote a love song about them. Sometimes, he would wear shoe inserts to make himself taller because he was the shortest member of his group. One time, he accidentally followed a fan on Twitter and the fan begged him to unfollow her. He used to scroll Twitter and Instagram for fan-taken photos and would ask fans to send him the ones he liked. He once canceled his own concert so he could attend their youngest member’s solo concert in Japan and he arrived wearing concert merch from head to toe.
He was so full of love for everyone and they all loved him in return.
I miss him so much. There is not a day since last year when I did not think of him, when I did not pretend that he’s still around. It took me months to finally listen to his songs again. On some days, I smile. Other days, I feel like crying.
I’m healing. It’s slow, but I’m getting there. There’s a space in my heart that sometimes feels so glaringly empty but when I look up at the moon, I think about him watching me from there. (Jonghyun loved the moon and space, he wrote songs about them often. The SHINee fandom, Shawols, call him our moon.)
On loss, Jonghyun said this on the 2nd Anniversary of the Sewol Ferry Tragedy, which resulted in the deaths of many, including high school students on a school trip.
It’s one that I hold so close to my heart:
“As time goes on, memories of things that have disappeared, or the pain of loss, can grow pale and faint. Those things happen if we just lend ourselves to time.
But if we don't compromise with time, and commit ourselves to remembering those people, I think the things that disappeared may never have disappeared after all.
Soon, the weather will get hotter, leaves will change colors, and snow will fall... Within these times, even just once, I hope we won't forget the fact that those people were by our side.
And I hope that from now on, those who were left behind will hurt less, and remember more.
That's the way I hope they'll live.”
And I want to honor Jonghyun by talking about him, sharing stories about him, sharing his music, and remembering how, in the last 9 years since I became a K-pop fan, he had been a constant friend and companion to me. I will never forget him. I will always love him. I will continue to cherish his music and the memories of his life.
I choose to continue living for you, Jjong, so I can remember you for always.
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