Crazy, Sweet, Strong

Started this as an infertility blog as I went through IVF, took a long break and now I'm back as a "lifeblr".  Still anonymous.  Wife.  2 miracle kids .  Searching for balance, answers, and who I am.

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I'm taking back my space here. I need somewhere I can post how I feel and I won't take it personal if someone doesn't comment or if my follower count goes down. I'm in a real weird transition period in my life right now. I can't even explain how it feels. I don't know if I'm excited about it or if I'm scared by it. Everything is changing around me. Some good. Some great. Some bad. And some downright terrifying. I am learning so much and I'm standing up for myself and I feel super in tune with a lot of energy around me. I gave so much of myself and my cup became bone dry. And then I saw how much I was taking from others who i wasnt giving back to. I saw how unfair and how damaging that was. I didn't disappear bevause I didn't care. I don't know how to make it right. I don't know how to do it all. My brain is full. It feels like I have a hundred tabs open at once or that the pages of the books are flipping at a rate I can't keep up to. I have to make changes. I am making changes. And I'm scared because Im afraid they won't be the right ones. Or that they are and I lose something that once held such an important place in mybheart I'm not a bad person. I'm not cruel. I'm confused and scared and overwhelmed.

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Struggling with this. I can't do anything for her. Not what she needs. Except just let her know I'm here if she needs me. Which she doesn't. And that's ok. Just hard.

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https://themighty.com/2016/06/living-with-high-functioning-and-hidden-anxiety/

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When I hear "you are enough" I always take it as a weight/size or mommy thing. You know what else it applies to? My work. My business. My hobbies. My personality. My morals. Me. As a whole. I am just starting to feel comfortable as a whole person and it feels.... pardon my French.. .. fucking weird. Not right. Awkward. For most of my life i was too poor, too tall, too smart, too awkward, too loud, too friendly, too open, too redneck, too emotional, too much. I was too much of a loser. Too much of a dork. I let people tell me what was good about me or what I was doing wrong. I let people who didn't have their best interests in me tell me who I should be. That basically, my dreams are too big or too hard or that i could never do it. I let people try to make me feel guilty for being fat. For doing sales. For choosing self care over their needs of me. For letting them decide what kind of life I need to lead without them actually knowing what life I lead. I'm so done. I'm so ready to be me. Because if they don't like me.... who says I can't like myself,

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I don't know how people manage when they have a thousand things going on at once. It makes me feel like I'm broken. I'm having a very tough coping day.

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I am becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin and body. I look less and less at it with negativity and hatred. I'm not saying I'm happy or that i don't want to lose weight. I'm saying that I no longer hate myself for not being what people think I should be. This is fucking huge. I am fat. I am fat. I have fat. I have fat. But that's like 5% of what makes me interesting or unique. I am smart I am funny I am compassionate. I am a problem solver I am accepting I am honest I am forgiving I admit when I'm wrong I am creative I work hard I admit when I'm wrong. I am willing to learn I love music I love dancing I have big goals foe the first time in a long time I am strong I am sensitive What is the most interesting part about me? That I'm a size 18/20????? Please....

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@fatgirlgetsfitatlast

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Watching "Embrace" on Netflix. Sobbing now.

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@fatgirlgetsfitatlast I've thought of adding on my daily time journal what I do in a day. But it's extra work I am doing instead of taking care of myself. I definitely need to take my Netflix tj.e to the treadmill on days when I know I haven't been active enough.

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#allorsomething I learned that from some pretty incredible women. It was given in context of health. In similar context to "if you have 1 flat tire, you don't go slash the other 3" type of thing. Can't go for an hour long gym session? Go take the kids for a 20 min walk or do some yoga before bed. I am one of the many "all or nothing" people. When it comes to my health and pretty much life in general. I am a horrible perfectionist. Horrible as in I have never ever achieved perfection. Simply because it doesn't exist. Yet I continue to strive for it. Might work for a week or a month or even a season. But something always gives (*cough* self care) and it never ever lasts. I've started to see the light. I cannot keep going for all or nothing or I will drive myself into a mental breakdown. And I don't say it in jest or lightly. I have to adopt this motto to life. My family. My house. My friends. My business. My health. All of me. It's hard to admit that I keep failing and struggling when it's my own self who expects so much. I can't do it all. But I can do #allorsomething

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So I have finally started to dip lower than just worrying shout how I look... and now starting to worry about my health with my inactivity and poor eating choices. I was in a time of "love myself as I am" - which I still believe. There is so much more to me than how I look. But i was giving myself permission to just eat whatever and that self care didn't include any activity. That's not very healthy now is it? But I think I may have come to accept that my body size will be similar to this for life. I refuse to diet any more. I've been tempted. Oh man have I been tempted. But I have been doing so much learning about how damaging restriction, fatphobia and the media's pressure on women to look a certain way is. But I still have so much self love programming to do. I need to remember that what people think of me is none of my business. That not everyone is going to like me. That relationships change and move on. This is the hardest part for me. I am a social-need person stuck in the personality of a socially-incompetent person. I am also stuck in the "am I really too busy in my life or am I using it as an excuse"? I have 2 young kids. We are coming into farm season (I help quite a bit on our farm). I work 4 days a week at my day job. I have a side sales business that is something I love and is giving me extra income and a lot of personal development training. I also am the sole person responsible for cooking and cleaning our home. I don't read any more. I haven't picked up my craft hobby in months. I haven't done yoga, Zumba, dancing or running in months either. I feel like I have no time to do any of that any more. But I have nothing I can or want to give up. I love my job and my business. My husband is against getting a house cleaner. I already ask my only family who lives neat to babysit when I'm needed to do farm work or if there is no school or if I have an appointment. There is too much mommy guilt for me to get a babysitter to get some me time.... I already don't see them a lot during the week. I see the need for change. I have to. Or I'm going to be suffering more than I already am. But what has got to give?

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Today has been a tough day for me mentally. I've eaten my feelings all day. I feel lonely and sad and broken. The news this week has been full of babies (kids) dying.

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