Today is the 4th of July, and it’s a good day to reflect on the country I call home.
I was born here in 1975, just a year before the bicentennial. I’m the opposite of a world traveler, having never gotten farther than Mexico (and there only across the border) but as I’ve aged and seen the world through my friends’ eyes, I’ve come to realize how amazingly young my country is. But back when I was a kid, the idea that my country was over 200 years old seemed amazing.
My roots are as American as they come, with a family tree that has some giant roots and some barely longer than my lifetime. My mom and biological father married because she was pregnant and that’s what you did in 1975 in the small town where I was born, but divorced just two years later. Then in 1979 my mom married my dad. My biological father wasn’t a part of my life from when I was 15-39, so the only ancestry I knew was my mom and dad’s. On mom’s side, I was Swedish and Danish, and dad’s people came from Germany, but he didn’t really know or care too much, and I didn’t worry too much about it either, as I was immersed in Scandinavian traditions thanks to my mom.
My mom told me my biological father had Native American ancestry, likely Cherokee and Potawatomi, and some English and whatnot, but I didn’t think about it much because he just wasn’t around. I made my peace with his absence when I was 22, but never reached out to him because I had my dad.
Flash forward to 2014. My son was getting older, and I was starting to wonder if and or when I should tell him about my biological father. In the meantime, my biological father was yearning to be part of my life. He had made some inroads over the past few years, but nothing that necessitated explaining things to my son, and nothing that made me feel a connection to that side of the family. As I said, I was fortunate to already have a dad - there was no emptiness inside me. But there was no lingering resentment that my biological father hadn’t been a “dad” to me either, so when he reached out to my mom to coordinate a meeting, I said yes. When I told my son who we were going to meet, he was curious, but it didn’t shatter his worldview or anything. His grandparent situation was already pretty complex (a Nana and PopPop who were divorced and single, a Gran and step-grandpa, and a Grandpa who got married to Mimi in 2013 and had him be the ring bearer), so this new addition was interesting, but not scary.
I also talked to my dad about it, and got his blessing because his feelings mattered deeply to me. While I wasn’t worried I would get hurt going forward, I worried he would. He’s not a man of many words, so the fact he was willing to have a deep heart-to-heart about our relationship showed me as much as his words did that I’m his daughter and always will be.
Brian was always on board to support me in whatever way I needed. He was there when I had my big catharsis at 22 that my biological father was just a man, not a monster, and I cried out 22 years of anger and sadness. He hadn’t been scared then, and he wasn’t scared 17 years later. My mom came along too because even though it was her ex-husband, she was on the friendliest terms with him at that time and he was nervous, so she’d be a familiar face. So we all went out to dinner and had pizza, and it was weird and nice and surprising and good. He didn’t want to take my dad’s spot. He just wanted to be in my life, and know me.
Looking back on it now, I think his timing was perfect. 39 was a year of change for me, though it was pretty much all on the inside. With the death of my friend Jim, I felt my own mortality for the first time. I realized I wanted to live wide. I’d been in kind of a cocoon for a few years, and it had gotten to the point it felt confining rather than comforting. My biological father’s re-entry into my life fit right in to the new landscape I was opening myself up to.
So we started talking on the phone. He brought his wife down to meet everyone, and she’s wonderful and loving. He kept calling. They visited some more. We had Christmas together. They took Brian and I out to dinner for our birthdays. And then he asked me if I’d like to come to a family get together. His family has shrunk over the years, but it’s still pretty big. I said yes to continue my quest to live wide, and we found ourselves driving through farmland up near West Lafayette. We pulled up to a small farm in a teeny, tiny, town and were surrounded by people in overalls and Carhartt. What had I gotten myself into?But then I started talking to everyone and realized that these were my people. My uncle the prankster who loved to laugh. My uncle the patriarch who meticulously restores old tractors and keeps the family genealogy, and in his research requires each fact to have at least two sources. My tiny, fierce aunt who gave me a hug that can only be described as ferocious. When she told me she’d pray for me, I felt like I had a lioness in my corner. They were funny. Smart. Loving. Just like me.
So my curiosity was finally piqued about this side of my family. I took what info I’d gotten from my uncle and ran with it, and while I didn’t find that Potawatomi and Cherokee my mom said was there (which is not to say it isn’t - it’s a BIG tree), I found that those root stretch back to America as a colony and even before thanks to Powhatan and Catawba Indian roots. There’s English, Welsh, Scottish, and even a dab of French. There are ancestors who fought in the Revolutionary War, and there are ancestors whose entire culture was destroyed by that war and the subsequent cry to “Manifest Destiny”. There are ancestors who fought for the Confederacy in the Civil War and tried to tear the United States apart to continue the abomination of slavery. And there are relatives who dug coal in Kentucky and finally left to build a better life in Indiana, just as their ancestors had left England, Wales, France, and Scotland 300 years before to come to start a new life in the colonies.
So my American roots date from pre-1600 to 1910 when my Danish great-grandparents immigrated through Ellis Island. It’s a history that’s complicated and contradictory, filled with hope and despair. New lives were built while the old world was destroyed, along with the people who lived here first. The fight for freedom in 1776 was followed by a fight to ensure slavery less than 100 years later. I’m glad my Revolutionary War ancestors prevailed and my Civil War ancestors failed. I wish all of them had done a better job valuing all people - native, African-American and women. I wish I knew why my Swedish and Danish ancestors left their countries when they did, and why especially my Grandmother’s Danish relatives seem to have disappeared into thin air. But that’s the thing about America - it’s a big place. You can get lose yourself in it, or weave yourself into the patchwork quilt we’ve patched together and named the United States. Doing so requires facing a challenging, diverse history. But by acknowledging and making peace with that history, we open ourselves up to the reinvention and expansive optimism America is known for. My country inspired me to take those same steps in my own life, and I’m glad I did.