Not so golden

Cressida "Cress" Jugson, nee Selwyn. 21 || Former Slytherin Sister to a prat || Pureblood Wife Soon to be mother Trying to stay safe Naive || Selfish || Hopeful

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-wraps his arms around Cress when she steps in front of him and hugs him, though his eyes are still staring at the gravestones, and just sort of stares blankly at them for a long while, not responding to her, until the world finally shifts back into focus and he sniffs, blinks, and glances down at her- Sorry… Sorry, I– -steps back from her and wipes his face with one hand, dragging his fingers through his hair and then shoves his hands in his coat pockets and draws the coat tighter around him, his voice quiet- I didn’t mean to say so much, sorry you heard all that.

No, it’s--

Hey. -steps after him and half reaches for him as he pulls back and into himself- It’s fine. Sirius. -searches his face and chews on the inside of her cheek for a moment- Asked you t’do it, yeah? Thought...thought it’d work for you like it did for me. M’sorry I asked you to. -steps back and wrings her hands together as she drops her chin and chews on her bottom lip nervously-

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-locks his jaw slightly when she grabs his coat, sighing and looking down at her, and smiles just a tiny bit at the thought of her trying to blow up her parents’ graves, so finally nods very briefly- Fine. Fine. For you. -gently turns away from her to face the graves, but takes one of her hands to hold and keep her beside him, then takes a very large deep breath and stares at their headstones for a long, long time before speaking, his voice unnaturally steady and low, as though he’s holding it tightly in order to keep it from quivering- It amazes me that I have spent nearly my entire life hating the both of you, and still, I am sure you hated me more… I don’t regret a moment of loathing you. I don’t regret a damn thing I’ve done. -shoves his free hand in his coat pocket, looking down at the ground for a few moments before back up again, with another breath- I’m proud to say no amount of screaming or beating managed to keep me from becoming everything you hated, everything you feared. -pauses a long while, his jaw locking, then finally clears his throat- I don’t have much else to say to you, except… In Merlin’s name, I hope you’re both swirling in an endless pool of acidic bile, screaming until your throats bleed, wracked with the same fear you’d put in me when I was just a child, and I hope every now and then you think all the pain might end, you get just a bit hopeful, only for it to start all over again… -takes a deep breath, staring at their graves with a somewhat unstable look in his eyes, then sniffs and looks down, mumbling- Give you a taste of your own goddamn medicine. 

-frowns as he speaks, keeping a tight hold of his hand just as a constant reminder to him that she is there and finds herself getting a slight burning sensation behind her eyes and so she steps in close to his side, grabbing onto their combined hands with her free on and leans her head against his shoulder until he is done talking and then immediately shifts so she’s in front of him and wraps her arms around him tightly, pressing her cheek into his chest for a moment before looking up at him- M’sorry.

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-huffs as she starts to lead him, plodding along unhappily- Look, Cress, what’s the point? ‘M glad it’s helpful for you and all but…they’re just stones, don’t want t’talk to them normally and certainly not if they’re holdin’ the spirits of my dead parents or…whatever. -looks up to see that they have arrived at his family’s plot, and his complexion goes a bit white at the sight of his parents’ names, mumbling- Bloody hell… -shakes his head- I don’t– -drops Cress’s hand to run his fingers through his hair, his stomach churning, and turns to her- I don’t want t’talk–this is–this is stupid…

‘S not-- -huffs slightly and steps into his space, grabbing the sides of his coat- Hey, s’not stupid. Know they’re just...just stones but... -takes a deep breath- Will you just try sayin’ something? For...for me? Can...can even cast Bombarda if y’want. If they’re anything like my family’s, there’s some charm that makes ‘em indestructible but...but a proper explodin’ charm or two feels real nice. Trust me.

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-stops when she squeezes his hand and turns toward her, trying to mask his frown with a slight smile- Yeah, s’a nice place to walk and all but…well, don’t really fancy remembering these people much. -can’t hide the frown now, his brow furrowing a bit too- Yeah, they’re here… Can’t remember where though, haven’t been here since we buried my dad’s sister when I was a teenager, ‘fore I ran away.

-frowns and looks back at him, shaking her head- Not really remembering. Provin’ them wrong. -gives his hand a tug- Look, can get mad at me all you want later, but... -tugs him over to where she thinks the Black family plot may be- should show ‘em who you are now. Just...just like I did. 

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-grins at her- Yeah, ‘think you probably should… -smiles lovingly down at her as she presses her lips against his arm, then takes in a slow, peaceful breath, walking along with a contended smile, sort of subconsciously ignoring the names until she starts bringing them up- 

Oh, er…forgotten about that. Yeah… -glances around at some of the other headstones almost nervously, then clears his throat- D’you think we should head back then?

-stops, squeezing his hand to get him to stop and looks up at him- You...you not want to keep walking ‘round for a bit? Mean...know s’not the best feeling being here but... -shrugs a shoulder and looks around them- Sort’ve puts it all into a bit’ve perspective, yeah? Used to be ‘round some of these folks loads. -furrows her brows when she spots a “B” on a headstone but can’t read the rest because of something in the way- Said your family was here, too, yeah?

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-snorts and raises his eyebrows at her, grinning in faux-disbelief- I’ve got wanderin’ eyes and hands? Well–have y’looked at yourself lately? No amount of growin’ up ‘s gonna change that about me s’long as you’re looking like this. -gestures at her generally, still grinning- In fact I’d say I’ve developed an extraordinary level of self-control thanks to the children, ‘mean, think of all the times I haven’t done any wandering on the account of them being ‘round.

-blushes again, but it’s far more subtle than how she’d react in her younger years, and rolls her eyes- Keep forgettin’ that blindingly ginger with stumpy legs s’your type. Guess I should go ‘n congratulate you on your saint-like self-control. -laughs and leans into his space again, pressing her mouth against his bicep in a sort of kiss before leaning back and focusing on their walk again, glancing at the names around them- Loads mad these days. -frowns when she spots a familiar name- There’s Evan Rosier, there. Was best mates with his sister growing up. ‘Member when...when he died.

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-laughs and squeezes her hand- S’pose you’re right. Though, I dunno, like to think it’s more than just a bit. -looks over at her with a smirk, then glances down at their feet as they walk- Think we helped each other grow a lot, really. And, y’know, the kids might’ve been a big push.

-grins and laughs lightly- S’a bit mad, that, yeah? Not the kids but, though that is real mad; the bit ‘bout how we helped each other grow. We were a sodding mess when we first met up after school, ‘member? Honestly dunno how we didn’t kill each other, thinkin’ back on it. -flushes and swings their hands a bit- Or how Potter and Lupin didn’t kill us with all’ve...y’know, what we were doing. -breathes another laugh and shakes her head- And now we’ve two other humans t’keep alive. Barmy. -smiles up at him and bumps her shoulder against his, scrunching her nose at him- Is just a bit, though. Still got those wanderin’ eyes ‘n hands.

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-smiles down at her as she’s talking to their grave, then nods and squeezes her shoulder, kissing her head again- I’m really proud of you, y’know. -steps away and slides her hand into his, lacing their fingers and then begins to lead them away- ‘S amazing, thinking about how…how much you’ve changed, I guess. In some ways you’re just the same as you’ve always been, but in others… -shakes his head and glances at her with a smile- You’re nothin’ the same.

-blushes a bit, smiling softly and ducking her head down as their walking, rubbing her thumb against his hand while she focuses on her feet- Dunno if amazing s’the right word. -shrugs one shoulder and looks up at him- Had to grow up, yeah? The both’ve us. -grins at him and is very lightly teasing- You’re a bit different than you were, yeah? Can control yourself a bit more these days. 

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-grins at the mention of the kids, loving thought of how much they’re getting back at their parents just by raising Harry and Tilly the way they do, but does have rather an aggressive tone at first- You can be bloody well certain Tilly will never be treated the way you treated Cress. -shifts to a lighter tone, mocking- We do our best to raise our kids to be as absolutely obscene, uncivilized and headstrong as we possibly can, in fact. -looks down at Cress with a smile, kissing her forehead- Think they’ve burst into flames in their own coffins by now?

-laughs louder than she expected and covers her mouth, leaning into his side even more and then drops her hand to grab onto the fabric of his coat- Wouldn’t surprise me at all. Either that or just yelling at each other down there.

Don’t expect a visit from me again any time soon, yeah? Might go ‘n forget about you all together. Selwyn name dies with you lot. Good riddence. -stands straight and shifts on her feet to move on, looking up at Sirius- Let’s walk a bit, yeah?

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-chortles very softly and lets her lead him back over to their headstone, prepared to make jokes until he hears the nerves in her voice, then looks over at her and studies her as she’s speaking, smiling softly before turning back to the headstone- Right. Turns out a waste-of-space traitor was the better pick after all. -glances at Cress out of the corner of his eye- And I’m sure she hasn’t mentioned, but Cress is an amazing mum, despite having had a terrible one. She’s figured out life all on her own, ‘nd didn’t need you to do it. So, y’know… piss on ya.

-flushes slightly at his praise, dropping her gaze to the toes of her boots for a moment before smiling a bit and looking back up- Won’t be making the same mistakes with Tilly. Won’t...won’t fill her head with what you filled mine with. S’a promise I made to myself and...and to her that I intend t’keep. And Harry won’t be made to do anything he’s against. And...and I’ve got... -looks up at Sirius and squeezes his hand gently- I’ve the best person doing it with me.

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-looks up at her a bit suddenly, clearly surprised at the suggestion- Er, aren’t you–’mean, you’re not done with your parents, yeah? Weren’t you gonna reintroduce me and all that?

-drops her hand to take his- Right. Yeah. Let’s...let’s see if we can’t make her scream at me, yeah? -eyes her parents headstone and hesitates a moment before slowly starting to walk over, holding onto his hand tightly- 

-clears her throat once they reach the headstone- Here’s proof, yeah? -holds up their hands, her voice shaking a little- Proved us all wrong. Stuck ‘round, he did. Loves me, yeah? And...and I love him. We’re...we’re a proper family. 

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-raises his eyebrows and nods sort of like ‘yeah, adds up’ at the mention of he and Regulus fighting, then snorts at her question- Maybe, when we were still just kids. But my parents largely gave up on me the moment I was sorted into Gryffindor. -glances down for the briefest moment, then back at the gravestone in front of them- Can’t imagine they bothered discussing me with anyone after that. Avoided it like the plague more like.

-frowns and turns so she can place her hand on the back of his neck, rubbing circles into the spot behind his ear in a comforting way- And you’re all the better for it, yeah? Both’ve us are, really. -clears her throat, hesitating because she doesn’t quite know how he’ll react and lightly scratches her nails into his hair- Do you...do you wanna see if we can find ‘em? 

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-watches her as she walks away, eventually following after her when she looks back at him, slipping an arm around her waist as he comes up beside her- Maybe? Remember thinkin’ that was the reddest hair I’d ever seen. -chuckles- But don’t remember much of the details. How old do you reckon we were? …feel like I was fed up with those parties by the time I was 6, honestly.

-breathes a laugh and leans into his side, nudging him very lightly with her elbow at his jab at her hair color and then rests her head on his shoulder again- Probably ‘round that age. Six. Seven. ‘Member you ‘n Regulus arguing ‘bout something, but reckon I mostly kept to myself. Even back then. -lifts her head to smile up at him, a little playful glimmer returning to her eyes- Never thought I’d be raising children with you, that’s for sure. D’you think our mum’s ever, y’know, talked about us?

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-searches her face as she’s talking, his eyes sad because she’s so sad, then adjusts his shoulder when she rests her head on it to allow them to sort of settle in close, kissing her head softly before taking a big breath in- Dunno. It’s odd, being here…around these families. Know they’re just gravestones, but it feels a bit like being brought back in time… -looks down at their hands, speaking a little more quietly- Not a time I like t’remember, either… -breathes a large sigh, kissing the top of her head again- Y’shouldn’t get mad at yourself, y’know. They did a number on you…can’t imagine it’s easy to face them, dead or not…

Know m’always saying that the day they died s’the day they stopped having control over me, but s’not true. Not entirely, at least. Can still hear my mum’s voice in my head loads, y’know? -sighs heavy and untangles their hands, standing- 

-moves back over to the headstone next to her parents that’s some other purist family name and sniffs softly- Know what you mean, though. Seeing the names...I just remember what it was like t’visit their houses ‘n stuff. -cross her arms across herself and looks back at him- ‘Member the first time we ran into each other?

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-notices her move out of the corner of his eye and looks up, only a few rows away now, and watches her walk over to a bench so heads slowly that way, coming to sit gently beside her- How’re you doin’? -places a hand on her knee, and notices the redness in her eyes, pausing before deciding to make a joke- Oi, did they say somethin’ to you? ‘Cause I’ll be glad to graffiti their graves, y’know, give ‘em a real piece of my mind. 

-breathes a small laugh, shaking her head and leaning into his space, dropping her hand on his and pulling their combined hands further into her lap- Yeah, my mum came up, shouting ‘bout how I was still such a disappointment. -looks up at him and gives him a small, watery smile- Just being daft. Dunno why m’surprised. Just...always cry when I come by and...and know I shouldn’t and then I get mad at myself for getting upset and... -takes a deep breath and leans her head on his shoulder- Just a vicious cycle. -turns their hands so she can trace the lines of his palm distractedly- How’re you doing?

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-smiles at her briefly when she peeks back, trying to look supportive, then notices her cleaning off the headstone with a soft, amused scoff and an eye roll; waits a bit longer, then sort of kicks his boot at the ground awkwardly, getting a bit restless, so starts to wander to different headstones near her, his stomach churning as he recognizes some of the names of families he was forced to put up with growing up, or distant relatives even, being all too heavily reminded of the war-

-can sort of hear him shuffle off and just sort of fully kneels down, brushing off some debris in front of her dad’s name- Still with Sirius, too. Came with me this time. -pauses, chewing on the inside of her cheek again and sitting back on her heels, wringing her hands together in her lap- Didn’t know his parents were here. Feel...feel bad ‘bout that. -can feel her eyes starting to burn a little bit and gets a little frustrated with herself and sniffles- Merlin’s sake, Cress, why’re you crying? -huffs a breath and stands, needing to take a couple steps away to a nearby bench and sits, scuffing the toes of her boots along the ground while she tries to reign in her emotions, sniffling loudly a couple times-

[cressidajugson]

in-thedoghouse​:

-gives her a small, forced smile back, still lost in his head, but nods when she says they won’t be close and squeezes her hand a bit, following as she directs them, and respectfully stands back a bit as she walks up; in the meantime, stuffs his hands inside his jacket and looks around them, almost like he’s expecting his parents to pop up out of nowhere, but after a few moments/minutes of this he turns his attention back to Cress, trying to watch and see how she’s doing based on her body language-

-keeps staring down at the headstone and their names, chewing on her the inside of her cheek, and when she does speak it’s very low and soft and she barely moves- Been a few years, yeah? Five or so, I reckon. Tilly’s eleven now. Off at Hogwarts. -scoffs a small laugh- Reckon you were pleased when she got sorted, yeah? -shifts on her feet, turning to look over her shoulder at Sirius briefly and then looks back at the headstone, hesitating a moment before reaching forward to brush a couple leaves off the top- ‘Least she’s got Harry and the Weasley’s looking out for her. More than what I had.