Like, I really don’t get why I suck so much at life.
First I’ll point out that I’ve been trying on this website for like 10 years or something? And no one will probably even see this post.
I’ve tried again and again on Tumblr, various and miscellaneous community websites, my personal Instagram, Snapchat ffs. But I don’t get the attention the I need from literally anyone. I message old friends, try to reach out and meet new friends, but I get god damn nothing.
I am constantly feeling like I’m not an interesting enough person, an attractive enough person, maybe a relatable enough person. I might get a bite and someone’ll talk to me for a day or two, then grow disinterested in the conversation and fizzle away.
I wish, I wish so fucking bad I just had a childhood friend that I can fall back to every once in a while.
But that’s the fucking point, I have never had a friend that’s stayed in my life, that’s wanted to be a part of my life, that’s just wanted me fucking around.
And I don’t fucking get it.
I love people. I express that. I try and learn about them, I offer to be there for them, I want to know their interests and hobbies, I want to be fucking friends. But I’ll be there, silently wanting that energy to come back my way. I don’t mention it. I don’t try to steer or manipulate the conversations to make shit about me. But it wouldn’t hurt literally anyone to ask. For anyone to want to know what my favorite food is, or want my opinion on a movie, or want to know where I grew up, or want to know literally anything about me.
That’s what I’m saying, that no matter my effort or intentions, nobody wants me.
I’ll see profiles on here, on other sites, and these people just seem to be unexplainably popular. Like they have no problem picking up a friend and getting attention or reactions on their posts. I’ll try to analyze it, I’ll try to understand what they’re doing that I’m not. But for where I’m sitting, they’re just a more liked person.
For some reason? For just some reason. There must be a reason. But it really doesn’t seem like there’s any reason. They’re just the reason.
I’ve been dealing with this my whole life. Through school, I’ll admit, I was timid. I wasn’t the type to appear as though I want to know people. I kept to myself and didn’t talk much. My lack of friends was my own fault, even though my symptoms weren’t my fault, being self destructive and asocial was my own choice. Even if it was subconscious and unavoidable.
Alright so fast forward to now, I’ve tried my best to abandon those traits. I’ve been through enough cognitive training to know that those behaviors are my own reckoning. But it doesn’t seem to matter. PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO KNOW ME. Nobody fucking wants me.
And I just really, really don’t get it.
So I’ll take it out on myself. I’ll hate what I see in the mirror or my camera, I’ll hate myself and everything about me. I’ll try to find the faults in my personality. I’ll tell myself that I’m just too stupid or don’t have anything about me people would even care about. I will hate myself. Like for some reason I deserve a life of bad karma and sadness. I’ll feel more and more isolated, and I’ll be alone.
Repeating the same cycle, over and over, endlessly miserable. Endlessly feeling like a failure. Endlessly sucking at life, and suffering in the background.
titsay
snowghoul
theartofmadeline
izzy806
turnnoffyourmind
