@crisisattwentyfour - Tumblr Blog

And the toughest part is

we both know;

what happened to you,

why you're on your own.

Merry Christmas,

please don't call.

YEARS LATER, FUCKING YEARS SO MANY YEARS yet, still triggered by the same behavior just different people even if it's not intentional.

I can't deal with wanting something that doesn't want me back.. I just I really fucking can't, because I never ask for anything from others, absolute zero.

So tell me how to keep prioritizing myself and my needs while not being needy and bitchy.

Why can't I be embraced easily, why did I have to be roughened up so much when I didn't want or choose to?

NO. Fuck this a thousand times over. For the love of God, give me some faith and invest in ME.

My plan B is always to run way and start over.

And it's not just about societal obligations or having a fresh start with everything I know now.

It's always about how even if I don't want to feel responsibility toward my friendships, then maybe I don't want my friends to feel responsible towards me which in return disappoints me when I don't get cared for.

Burdens be gone. If I'm gonna end up lonely might as well go full on alone.

I've always craved stuff that I had zero tolerance for, that's why I was okay to let go, and this is why I vowed to myself not to have regrets.

The burden of keeping my promises to myself is getting harder each day I grow up.

I want unconditional love, I want trust, I want not to have to always be the one taking initiative or making effort, no longer having to fake smiles when I can be actually smiling.

This is acceptance.

I'm not even on the map when it comes to them, it's fine, I get it, and I can deal with it.

But, sometimes I miss you a little more and they resemble a piece of you.

I don't want to grow distant. But it seems that I have to.

I think it's a universal experience for a woman to have had at least one boyfriend that she didn't really like, or hate. He was just there.

I remember mine lasted about 3 weeks.

At our first date we went to the movies, he tried to hold my hand and I almost barfed and fainted.

Cringe-worthy behavior tho, cause he didn't like my reaction so he two-timed me with my best friend.

This part of growing up is showing me other sides to someone that I never knew I would like or tolerate.

I never thought I'd be willing to go to the ends of this earth for someone to be there for me.

I value how much I can trust someone, it puts my mind at ease. For me feeling at ease is what love is. God I hope I'd get to feel that way soon.

Just went through the Twenty Six.

My insides are knotted with anxiety, it feels like waiting for the doomsday.

I don't know what to save, or who to warn.

And if I ever go, I want to feel loved in my last moments.

I no longer feel ordinary in my bones.

Maybe Twenty Six is different after all.

I always thought that if I'm being clear about what I want in life, it'd be easier for my to reach it. I wouldn't have to run in circles and chase my tail.

What a foolish and naïve thought that I wasted my life on.

There a certain friend that I miss so much.

Watching him in love and thriving is so heartwarming.

I wish I could be a part of his good moments.

I can only hope he's receiving the good vibes I'm sending him through the cosmos.

I'm not a princess;

And I'm not in distress.

Just a bit lonely.

Either you save me or don't,

I'm not waiting anymore.

Maybe my traumas really are marbles in a box and it hurts every time they hit a corner, but time will eat away at them till they barely hit, and I barely hurt.

I recently discovered that words of affirmation do miracles on my brain, but I'm not a very articulate person.

I don't know how to express what I'm feeling even to myself in the mirror, thus, I have a hard time telling people how much I love them.

But now, I'm learning to trust people a bit more, to open up a little at a time, I listen to what others tell me, i try to make it make sense and to believe in their kind words I don't need to shy away or get in my own head. Maybe now I can give back to the kindness others show me.

I'm also learning that no matter how much self preservation I have, I can and will get hurt. That's just life, if someone means something to me and they say apologize or say they didn't mean it, then I gotta let it go before it eats me up inside

But what about people who hit my self esteem someway and don't come back to help me pick up the pieces? Never trust them again.

I think subconsciously I choose men that are not suitable for me just to find a way not to get emotionally attached and overall save myself the disappointment.

But I hate that it's a coping mechanism that is too strong for me to change.

Being aware of the games my mind plays of me doesn't make it any easier.

If anything it feels sick, I'm stuck in a twisted game of hide and seek inside my own head.

I used to be friends with the voices inside of my head, but somehow we grew apart.

I grew into a coward, and they grew more shrill.

#anxious #doomsday

Now, it always feel like it's 2 am, and I'm always lonely.

And I wish I had a roof to sneak midnight cigarettes on

To lay on my back watching the stars

To play with the smoke as it fades into dark blue

To lose track of space and time

Cause the sky is the same everywhere, So it doesn't make me feel like a stranger anymore.