Since I seem to be talking a lot today. No one gets the sheer mental fortitude it takes to get through everyday, when you’re literally unable to leave the house to go anywhere because they all require special privileges to go anywhere. To have zero friends in existence, social media, games, nothing. Most people have a lot of friends from growing up. All of my supposed friends turned on me and I grew up in a hell hole with an abusive stepfather who my mom ignored while he abused me both mentally and physically. So I grew up to hate people and distance myself from them, thus my anxiety and not liking to be around people and dealing with crippling depression every single day. I try my hardest to distract myself from these facts about how I literally have nothing other than my dog. Except every time someone takes something out on me for no reason and I get blamed for something that I didn’t even do and isn’t even my fault I just remember all of this shit. A sure sign that I know that I’ve been dealing with real depression all the time is that every time I think about dying, which is at least a few times a week, sometimes more, the only reason I can think of to not kill myself is because of my dog and worrying what would happen to him. I don’t care about the people in my “family” they don’t care about me, I’m just a liability. If I knew that my dog would be taken care of and someone handed me a gun I would pull the trigger without hesitation. And none of that even matters. You might be reading this thinking to yourself, “you should get professional help or tell someone.” I’ve already been down that road and they didn’t do anything to help me and the people I have told, including my own mother, literally said that depression isn’t real and I’m the only person who can make myself depressed. But the funny thing is, my depression affects me to the point that it’s physical, like I can be happy or laugh at something but my mind instantly brings me down almost like I would smile or laugh and then have a brooding poker face the very next instant. I can’t be happy, it never lasts, even for more than a moment. I find that day to day I’m more of a monotone flat level of emotion and I avoid people, even the ones in this house. I can’t go anywhere to socialize or do anything so there’s no point in that. I’m just stuck in this room forever until we move. Which is something that also irks me is people fail to realize that the gym is one of those times I can actually leave the house and actually one of the only things I look forward to in this miserable life but when they screw me over on that as well it just causes me to not care about anything, aside from my dog of course or I’d already be dead. I also have thoughts from time to time about what would happen if they tried to get rid of my dog, how I would destroy everything that they own, because lets face it, my dog is literally my only reason for living thanks to the situation that they have put me in from the time I was fourteen up until now at twenty eight years old. I’ve tried looking for jobs, posted on over 100 job apps and gotten absolutely nothing even after applying multiple times over months. So honestly I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t help myself, they won’t help me, I have no one to turn to at all and none of it matters because no one cares. I don’t want pity or someone to lie to me and tell me it will be alright or any other of that bull shit, because you haven’t been in my shoes and you don’t know anything.
