crsdrjct

My name's Errold. I like french fries. Music.People.Games. Facebook Youtube Flickr 365

[crsdrjct]

re-did my bedroom and bathroom cause quarantine and wfh got me neurotic about being organized and clean 

but now i’ve learned to balance form and factor and/or sacrificing one for the other

as clean and organized as my room is now, i’m constantly thinking about how to make it better and conducive to work, creative flow, and energy 

moving my bed today opened up a whole space to walk and pace but also making it easier to get to my instruments. removing a light and angling the track lights so they aren’t right on me helps me focus better and tunnel vision more by making my peripheral vision dimmer. i combined my posters so now its easier and more aesthetic to just look at the charts and understand it better/more comfortably. my drums are shifted now so they can be easily approached and not feel boxed in by two walls but also opening up the arm space to reach everything. not everything looks as tidy as it did a few days ago but it feels more “right”. anyway, i’m happy with what i’ve accomplished so far and i realize i have to be in that headspace more often. i’m still overly critical about everything i do and i don’t think i’ll ever escape that so i gotta embrace it 

easy to get stuck in the trappings of the same ideas and doubt especially when i’m in my room 90% of the time this year. trying to get in the mindset of telling myself I did good and that I can do something. all this home improvement stuff is helping and making me feel more self sufficient. things are turning out perfectly spendld. as much as i tell myself i should go outside more, i kinda love my room haha. i’m a homebody now for the foreseeable future and then i’ll toggle on again. bet

[crsdrjct]

[crsdrjct]

The dangerous and annoying part of my feed now is everyone trying to label and classify everything in their life and calling it toxic, wrong, inappropriate, etc. I feel it’s a bit of emotional hypochondria. Not that it doesn’t cater and help to understanding what you’re feeling but more often than not, it seems like people enter this rabbit hole of exploring and trying to justify their sadness or happiness rather than just ... being. I guess it helps occupy the mind but it also creates stems of other negative self thought and worth. In labeling yourself in a certain way, you may view yourself as incomplete. While there are a whole bunch of nice quotes and inspirational stuff being shared, I feel like it resets how you’re feeling and doesn’t actually improve it. Maybe I’m being a cynic but telling everyone and trying to convince yourself you’re ok doesn’t mean you are actually doing anything to change the conditions of your contempment. Social media, on top of news, has become people sharing their sadness which I feel contribute to other people also feeling like “Hey, maybe I’m not ok because x,y, and z”. It creates this search for trying to figure out why your happiness is fleeting. I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries lately and it reignites this idea I have because when I travel outside of the states, people seem more content while having less. The community, doesn’t seem unhappy because, they aren’t trying to be anything more than what they are and what they have. It’s something that you feel heavily in LA, why looking at friends stories when they’re going out and you’re at home makes you question where you are in life. I heard in a show recently that people are more depressed because they are more than 100 times exposed to negative factors in life daily because of the news and social media than people would have experienced in a life time 100 years ago. That number blew my mind and it makes complete sense. It’s why people feel relieved when they disconnect because they are finally present. They have no bad news, no good news, and no one to compare their life too. People constantly feel like they aren’t doing fine because of all the factors that aren’t in our control, because of what they think people think they should be doing. You’re more ok than you think, at least I like to think so. The more you think you aren’t, the more you won’t be. View yourself in the present and not what you have gone through or need to do all the time. Find a way to center yourself and be where you are. 

[crsdrjct]

Part of me really misses volunteering and helping or teaching people. It's something that I immediately recognize feels right to an almost tangible extent. My friend and I randomly started talking about the concept of ikigai when we were trying to play a game and it's something that stuck with me and is taking me a while to resolve in my head. Trying to find something that fulfills all my wants. Helping seems to really be a standout to me and seeing other people benefit or grow somehow is a great feeling that I don't think I ever got working in my field so far. I don't think more money will make me happy/satisfied so I don't know if my next move is vertical or lateral. This is the longest amount of time I've been out of the scene of helping/volunteering since like...middle school and I think that's what helps keep me motivated the most and spending time with like minded individuals in that regard. Can't wait til covids over cause I feel gross some days/weeks cause it feels spent so selfishly. Being quarantines has helped me realize how blessed I've been and continue to be in so many ways that I hold onto all of it and barely share outwardly besides the occasional helping friends out. It...doesn't feel like enough. How can I use what I have, whatever it may be, to pay it forward? I have to actively ask myself that question more and not dwell on .

[crsdrjct]

pretty musicians will always be my favorite breed of people 

[crsdrjct]

I realized last night that I am actually pretty uncomfortable with failure. It's something I never really thought about too hard but the more I reflect on how static life can feel sometimes it's because I was too scared to really try. To finish something and call it done and complete but to feel like it's not actually 100% wouldn't feel right, so I don't. I never...dreamed as big or tried as hard as a lot of people. I never...studied to and extent where my passion kept me up til 5am. I never...shared my arts as much as I'd like to because it never felt like it was enough or I never perceived it to be that great. People push me more than I push myself. I've been too scared to dive into things head first alone. Things that I would actually really want, I don't try because the fear of rejection is worse than not trying at all. If I had a bigger ego or had true confidence in things that I do, I'd be in a better place I think. If I had committed to my aspirations, I'd be in a better place. If I put myself in a room where I could learn from people more and more, I'd be in a better place. Truthfully though, aside from maybe negative manifestastion, I'm pretty lazy and my inspiration diminishes fast but that's also a mindset I need to stop focusing on cause I know better. I know that I can do better.

[crsdrjct]

[crsdrjct]

I think I'm sad. I think these past few days I felt a sense of helplessness that I haven't really before. Can't focus on work cause I feel like I shouldn't be sitting at my computer amidst all this. I feel like I can't go out and join the protests because COVID is still a risk. I feel like signing petitione and talking and donating isn't enough. I'm glad that many bros tonight were able to talk about it and open up the dialogue which we never had. I wish things change. It's heartbreaking seeing and hearing about how people livelihood are threatened just by their skin. How people are threatened when they are complying. How families that worked hard for their living lost it all to the riots. It's rough watching videos of these deaths, and these violent protests. Being in my room feels, so passive. I'm glad the world is showing such solidarity and that there are peaceful protests and support from the police. I feel uneasy and anxious and sad that basic human rights are still considered questionable, not just in America but all over the world.

[crsdrjct]

It’s an interesting thing watching my niece grow up in today’s climate, how she cries that her bookstore is closed without understanding why. It’s weird watching the news and seeing how close everything is hitting so close to home. It’s sad going to the grocery store seeing masks on people’s face and employees boarding up the glass and trying to hiding all the liquor away. It’s disheartening seeing how much of the protests message is being lost because of looters and police ironically abusing their power even more. It’s stupid how many people’s lives are lost and hurt because of systemic failure and racism. It’s stunning seeing our president and white house go quiet amidst all this and literally hide from addressing the issue properly. It’s crazy that this won’t be the last time this happens. I don’t know enough about politics or personal racial plights or policies and laws to clearly define what’s wrong and what’s right but I don’t think people need that to take the time to think about and care for your neighbor. To harm someone is already tough, to do so willingly is evil. It’s a complex problem to address but it’s also simple in theory to resolve and extremely difficult to practice by nature. There is no clear cut right or wrong for anyone and I understand how livid everyone is. There’s always going to be an antithesis to passion. There’s always going to be a perceived right in wrong and perceived wrong in someone’s ultimate truth. But you can’t deny that there are too many people out that are being killed, too many businesses being looted, too many protestors in handcuffs that don’t deserve it. This is the saddest state I’ve ever seen the modern world in. I hate to see it and it’s sad how easy it is to understand how we got here.

[crsdrjct]

Kinda miss seeing friends being active on Tumblr. Seeing their interest in art and humor.

[crsdrjct]

[crsdrjct]

never got to his level but experienced a similar burn/fall out

hitting the point where you recognize that something you do is no longer fulfilling and makes you want to put it down indefinitely

[crsdrjct]

I think this quarantine has helped reset my hedonic treadmill.

Slowing down is a lot easier when the rest of the world is doing the same.

[toastpiercer-deactivated2020080]

[argumate]

could it be...? a good political cartoon?

[ranked-competitive-sexhaver]

The artist is Clay Bennett, a Pulitzer Prize winner and a veteran of his craft. Here’s some more of his work: 

[socialistexan]

The wire hanger one hit me like a ton of bricks.

[crsdrjct]

I feel confident and prepared now to move on in my career but being able to marry that with something I'm more passionate about is going to be something worth really contemplating over

[crsdrjct]

Did I even do anything last year

[crsdrjct]

been a minute but today was fulfilling