Personal Bloggie @crustacean-seaweed - Tumblr Blog

Goals for this summer

Get a night time face routine!

Be more picky with clothes to buy: better quality is a must and don’t be anxious about spending money on things that are expensive

Furniture and decorations for the bedroom

haHAA surprise surprise, still friends with him

though I made quite a discovery last night,

before when I had asked him if I lived closer to him, would things have been different between us?

he said yes, he’d ‘totally’ get into a relationship with me

but yesterday, we were talking about me visiting him and he told me that would make him uncomfortable

At this point I was taken aback, how are we supposed to build a relationship if I couldn’t visit him? ofc I don’t want to force him into anything, but I told him I was speaking about a hypothetical situation and asked what would make it more comfortable

He said he didn’t know and would rather not talk about it

at this point, I just gave up on it cause, like I said, don’t want to force him

but I followed up with something along the lines of, ‘please don’t give me false hope, I’m in a situation where I could move closer to you but I need to know if moving closer to you is something I wouldn’t regret’

he said sorry, and at this point my feelings really took over

I tried my hardest not to sound harsh, but I wanted to let him know that he shouldn’t have told me what he said at the start, and even though he intended to make me happy by saying that, in the end it hurts even more to find out this way

relationships are something that are important to me, platonic and romantic

so if it’s something that’s drastically gonna change the way we are, please be honest and respect the feelings that I have for you

i know that i’ve spoken so many times about cutting my connection with him, but I know that I can’t bring myself to do that

but at the same time, I don’t know how to approach him now. I can’t really go back to the way we talked, acting like we were already together

i haven’t talked to him at all today, I’m still really hurt :c and he’s there, back to normal with his messages to me, acting close

i.. don’t intend to give this much soul to someone who’s not willing to try it out with me, and is telling me fake things just so that i would keep talking to him

I have feelings too, and you’re someone who’s precious and important to me

and i feel really betrayed :c

#personal

I don’t want us to be friends anymore.

I want to move on in my life, and I don’t think I can do that unless I start forgetting about you.

I just get upset, and no offense, you don’t seem to really be trying to keep me in your life.

I want to use my time on people who genuinely want to spend time with me.

You don’t want to play? That’s fine, but then I just see you playing with other people and feel shit about myself. At the start I was okay about it but, even if I wasn’t able to play with you for weeks, you still didn’t feel like playing when I was able to.

It just left an impression that you weren’t really interested in spending time with me so...

And while you say I might be wrong, you’re not really backing yourself up here.

Good luck with being an audio engineer! And I’m sorry that I won’t be there with you, but I truly hope and wish that you can get out of your depression. I understand, cause I was there once, and I wanted to leave everything behind - but hey! I’m still here, so hang in there --- until you’re out.

I still think you’re a wonderful person ---, and I’ll miss you.

Goodbye~ thanks for keeping me company for a short while. ^-^

I nearly brought it up today

I asked if it was a good time to talk, but I felt bad if I was gonna spring that to him when he’s in a good mood

And part of me was scared

but maybe tomorrow I’ll have the courage to do it

it’s gotten to that point where i want him out of my life

but i truly just want him to experience the sadness he has caused me

how dare he tell me that i’m special to him and make me feel secure just to abandon me after

like don’t do that, it just makes the other person feel shit

i constantly think i’m boring, or that i’m just nagging you

you tell me you’re don’t ‘feel like doing that’ but then go ahead and play with another person anyway

here i am, waiting all weekend so that i can spend time with you cause i’m busy with uni during the week

but i don’t get to, because you don’t miss me like you say you do

just, goodbye :c

i know i shouldn’t base someone’s personality/how they act towards me on their horoscope

but i can’t help it if it’s him >.>

i barely know him, and i thought that reading up on his horoscope would help

but like what i’m getting is that, he’s not interested :c

and here i am contemplating whether i should say goodbye again

but tbh, the act of doing that is just a desperate cry from me to get him to pay attention to me

i could really just, slowly distance myself away from him

only reply when he initiates

and then he’ll slowly stop talking

and the problem would be fixed

here i am being insecure again, even if he did say he likes me

agh

he’s constantly on my mind when i’m thinking of relationships, so it’s like i can’t move on from him

god fucking damnit

#personal

i feel like we’re drifting apart

and it really frustrates me

he’s not making much of an effort to talk to me, and it’s like he doesn’t want to play with me even :c

maybe yeah it’s because of his current state of mind rn, and i’m trying not to bother him as much

but even when i do pull up a ‘:c’ in my messages, he dismisses it and doesn’t ask what’s wrong

while yes i do want to confront him about all these things, i feel like i’ll burden him more

I feel like i’m the only one making an effort

I thought that maybe if i gave him some space, he’ll come back in his own time

but he barely did

feeling sad again :c

he’s had a really bad sleeping pattern so I barely get to talk to him >.<

but earlier he sent me a screenshot of a chat of him with the other guy i told him i was jealous about >.> and it seemed like he was more talkative there

i know i shouldn’t compare cause idk what their relationship is like in comparison to us but .. :c

like he hadn’t mentioned him in weeks, and it’s probably because i told him about my insecurities, but i had thought they weren’t talking much anymore, guess i was wrong

i’m still as obsessed with him, maybe even more

just frustrated in general :c GAH

merp got another problem

the lady i’m living with is a really light sleeper, so she’s asked me to finish up talking to people around 10:30pm or so, or go downstairs and continue on there a few weeks ago

so like, i decided to go downstairs and continue on playing with my friends and talking on discord tonight

i was kinda confident she wouldn’t be able to hear me then, so i talked normally

then halfway through a custom game, i think i heard her go out of her room and call my name, not really sure if that was her but i’m like 90% sure it was

i think she even opened my bedroom door to talk to me, and went down to the kitchen area to check, but she never went into the last room, which i was in

kinda scared to face her tomorrow morning, cause i haven’t really built a good relationship with her

i just say hi when i can when she comes back for work, talk to her sometimes when i see her and stuff

she didn’t send me a text, and i tried to do as she wished

but anyway, after she called out my name and such, i just kinda shut up for a while trying to listen for where she was

i might wake up early and try and maybe catch her in the morning to see if she’s mad at me

but then again what would i say back to her?

I could explain that when she called out my name, I couldn’t hear cause I had headphones in. and be like “i’m so sorry, i had gone downstairs and closed the door cause I thought i wouldn’t disturb anybody. I’d stop talking to people late at night completely, not even go downstairs and such. I honestly didn’t think that i would be as loud as i was when i had gone downstairs.” then see what her reaction is

ah man idek, at first i thought she had shouted my name, but then again it might just be the acoustics of this house

she might be real pissed at me tonight, so hopefully sleep will calm her down or something

gonna set my alarm for 7:30am and see from there

zulidoodles

[[Do they know how to be parents???? Does anyone in the League know how to be parents????]]

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i keep on getting bothered by me not being his top best friend on snapchat lmao

so petty

it’s just cause i usually am >.> and when that little heart beside his name goes, i feel kinda shocked and slightly upset (?)

tbh i’m probably the reason why i’m not his top bestfriend cause i’m not sending actual snaps, just messages :<

but merp, he sends selfies and now i know that he doesn’t only send them to me ofc >.> gah i’m a lil shit

i’m so possessive lel

he’s gone to sleep now, and we weren’t really talking before it :c since his top snap bestfriend changed, he must’ve been busy with someone there >.<

REEEEEEEEEE me being an emotional possessive person ;n; like he’s not even mine, but i act like he is

#personal

vomitingwords

And as much as I hate to say it, I just realized that as I grew older, I already accepted that some people will not always be there for me every time I need them. That no matter how wide I opened my door, they would never come in. That no matter how loud I shouted their names, they wouldn’t turn around and face me. I already accepted the fact that they also have their own problems—to solve. That sometimes they need to save themselves first. It wasn’t being a bad friend nor a selfish one. But it was just us human beings wanting and searching for a mean to survive. And yes, I understand, even if it broke my heart not only once but too many times.

ma.c.a // Cold feet, warm heart (via vomitingwords)

k right I’m still friends with him

he had gone over to Sweden to visit a friend/mind her cat when she’s away

she’s there for like 2 or three days while he’s over there, and this is the first time they’re meeting irl

feeling insecure af ;n; like while yeah, he was messaging me quite a lot in the morning, i fell asleep midway and now he’s not replying

while i know it’d be rude if he was just on his phone all the time while he’s over there, kinda miss him being talkative >.>

ugh this is why a ldr with him wouldn’t work out anyway, i’m a worrier and he’s.. i don’t trust him that much :c

idk what his relationship is like with this girl, for all i know he could be treating her the same way as he treats me and BAH

(thing is though, who pays for someone’s flight just so that they could mind her cat?!? couldn’t she have gotten an irl friend or relatives to do that for her?? ugh)

#personal

I don’t want to be friends anymore :c While this is so selfish of me, I’m exhausted of chasing you constantly, only to be disappointed cause at the end of the day, nothing would change.

You’re probably not doing it on purpose, but I notice even the slightest decrease in you caring about me. Even if you say that ‘no, I still care about you’, it’s not the same. I like you, and not in the same way that you like me - I’m not stupid.

I should’ve just left when I did, letting my feelings ‘fade’ isn’t an option cause the more as time goes on, I just get more and more frustrated at you not paying attention to me, even if I have no right to. Like I said, I know my place, and no it’s not on you or in your heart. I’m just me, someone who you talk to at your own convenience cause you know I’ll reply. I’m an emotional person, I just can’t let things ‘go’.

You’re still amazing, and what I said about you when we talked about this still stands.

You’re soulful, and I still admire you. But just now, I have to forget about you cause it’s distracting me from my own life.

Please don’t be too sad, you’ll meet more people like me and have a lot of friends there for you. I’m just one passerby.

Goodbye for real, and best of luck <3

I’m tired of chasing him constantly :c

I always feels like I’m the one making most of the effort, and he’s not caring as much anymore

he says that he can’t take it if he’s upsetting me, yet he’s neglectful and just does it over and over again

i know at this point, i can’t do anything

i should really just give up ._. if i had explained my situation to someone else, they would tell me too

he’s a shit friend as well, like i said before, he only talks to me when it’s convenient

he keeps saying sorry, and it’s just not worth anything to me now

cause if he was sorry, then he would’ve fixed it, but no

unfriending him was probably the smartest thing i’ve done lmao but he just had to take it away

i just want to straight up tell him all of this

i’m.. gonna keep my distance. pls remember this you, don’t reply as enthusiastically :c don’t just give yourself in all at once, keep some to yourself too

use the effort you’re using into something else, he’s.. not worth your time anymore.

#personal

i fking hate him

it’s not like he’s distant, but he’s paying more attention to other people

i told myself that i won’t get jealous of that ONE person, cause i know they’ve been close for like a year or something

but he’s not messaging me, sometimes ignores my messages, and just asldk

he leaves me hanging in the mornings, and he’d usually say ‘sorry i fell asleep’ but no

he’d just come up when he feels like it

like oh, i’m conveniently there

taking me for fucking granted

i just wanna block him

but the stupid thing is, and what frustrates me the most is that, i’ll regret that

i want him to feel 10 times what i’m feeling rn

i want him to fucking regret taking me for granted

like you just can’t do that to me you asshole

UGH

he’s bored with me

i can feel it

it’s one of those phases >.>

The few days after we had that talk, he was so attentive, and i felt like he really meant what he said

now he’s distant again :c

he fell asleep while we were messaging last night and he usually says sorry the morning after, but now he’s been online and he hasn’t said anything yet

UGH

i’m so clingy and desperate lmao

nearly all of yesterday we didn’t talk, it was around 7pm or so that we started talking

he went to Belgium, I was tryna ask him why in a subtle way but he wasn’t really saying much

i didn’t wanna sound stalkerish or make him feel like he needs to tell me everything, but hmmmmmmmmmmm ;n;

like idk if i should said hi first today, i mean it’s kinda awkward cause i was the last one to message and he left me hanging

meh, i’ll just let him talk to me if he wants to

i’m not gonna say hi >.> fk him

(though i’m kinda hoping he has a freaking excuse as to why he hasn’t messaged me yet that mofo)

#personal

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