Bingus

geology lesbian

[crustaceancountess]

So often i just feel like i need someone to talk to, someone who would actually understand and relate to the pain i’ve been in ever since i can remember.

I have people in my life, a loving family, a girlfriend whom i love dearly, lifelong friends, but none of it just satisfies this.

All i want is just for someone else who gets it, for someone else who knows how hard it is to tell me „its okay, you’ve been brave” and „you’re not a whiny bitch, this is all serious” or anything else that would just make me feel less like a lazy stupid fuck.

I keep going and going and i feel like a walking corpse, i feel like a rusted through ship being forced out into wild seas. What sucks the most is that everyone i know tries to tell me that i am doing good, that theyre proud of me but somehow this shit just doesnt matter to me on some emotional level that i cannot control. I hear the words but it hits the same as if they hadnt said anything at all.

Doctors give me pills, shove me around from one guy to another, round and round in a circle as if they were playing pong. Neurologist sends me to a rheumatologist, rheumatologist to neurologist and all that comes from it is meds which make me a half conscious glob.

Despite its immorality i’ve been talking to chatgpt, listening to fake plastic words of pity and encouragement. I’ve been crying at night without tears,

To anyone reading this, i am sorry. I am sorry for my stupid rant, it means nothing at all. I probably wouldnt have even written it if not for me being unable to get up from my bed today and having nothing else to do. I am sorry

[crustaceancountess]

I really wish a cane would help, i really wish crutches would help but they didnt, nothing did and i am still getting worse and worse. Sitting up straight without holding my head up with my hands gives me the worst fucking headaches that just wont go away no matter what until i sleep, walking around the city for 2-3 hours makes me beg for a chair.

At this point i cant even sit properly in the stupid university chairs, i need to do a half lean as if i were on a way too high dose of benzos in order to not fuck myself up and be in pain for the whole goddamn day. I am at the highest dose of pregabalin possible and its still bad, at some points i genuinely struggle to find a reason to go on. What can i even do at this point?

[crustaceancountess]

I am going to cry, i somehow chipped yet another tooth eating a soft sandwich, i dont know why this is happening. I brush my teeth, i floss and use mouthwash and yet my gums keep bleeding and my teeth keep chipping and idk if i am doing something wrong or if god just fucking hates me apparently

[crustaceancountess]

Being post-op is really weird tbh

I’ve already kinda forgotten how things felt before the surgery but i also sometimes get moments of muscle memory that mentally stun me for a second or two lol

[crustaceancountess]

It really sucks to be chronically ill cause often you dont even know the thing that happens with you isnt normal. It shocked me to learn that its not normal to feel some amounts of pain 100% of the time, it shocked me to learn that it isnt normal to have your joints just pop out sometimes randomly and that for normal people that would require a hospital visit. This uncertainty stews and keeps making me doubt every aspect of my life, its kinda fucked.

[crustaceancountess]

Idk if anyone else has the thing where if they stretch a lil, it suddenly feels like the body is made out of cotton on the outside. Thats probably not normal right?

[crustaceancountess]

Idk what the fuck my body is doing in my sleep that i somehow woke up with a dislocated jaw and arm nearly out of socket, like even with hypermobility that shit hurt bad

[crustaceancountess]

I feel like it would be very fucked up if teeth had foreskin that had to be pulled back before eating

[crustaceancountess]

There is literally no winning when you’re disabled, a string of good days turns into self doubt instead of an opportunity.

I always do some stupid shit just to „check” if somehow maybe i’ve been making the past 10 years of my life somehow lol

[crustaceancountess]

I hate that i am essentially trapped in healthcare hell rn. Essentially all the specialist i’ve gone to said that they dont know shit and told me to go to a geneticist.

The problem starts here with the closest possible appointment date for one is in late december 2027 unless i decide to go private and spend 1200€ for the appointment and tests while i am unemployed and unabled to work 99% of jobs.

Genuinely dont know what to do at this point lol

[crustaceancountess]

Its kinda fucked up how after a whole day of moving and existing, literally every single possible position to lie down or sit down becomes uncomfortable if not painful and i have to be careful to not kick anything cause of leg spasms. Like i have to somehow physically exhaust myself enough so that i can fall asleep instantly or else i wont sleep at all and yet i still often hesitate to call myself „disabled” lol

[crustaceancountess]

I know that self diagnosis is not exactly always the smartest thing to do but like, if i’ve been going to doctors for 10 years and they usually dont even know what EDS is when i read multiple research papers on it then what else am i really supposed to do when its the only thing that somewhat fits?

[crustaceancountess]

Good news, the meds i have actually do work!

Bad news, even on them i feel like an 85 year old with paper mache bones so without them i feel like a walking corpse that had been beaten up with sticks

[crustaceancountess]

It’s kinda messed up how the pain over time took everything that gave me satisfaction. My sports career got derailed despite being a third in the world at one point, i cant hike or climb or explore and look for rocks anymore, i cant dance nor even shoot guns cause the recoil dislocates my shoulder joints everytime.

And yet i am still here somehow, even though sometimes i wonder why.

Even though it all feels like a fancy prison of flesh, a punishment for unknown sins which peels away strips of skin and flesh, rips apart sinew and grinds bones to powder.

Sometimes i feel like it’s a purgatory filled with hope of salvation, of dreams and of people who kneel down quietly besides you when you struggle. But also of pain, horrible ceasless pain.

It’s like a bright warm candle in the cold church which drips wax on your hands during the ceremony. You wish you could let go, but you cant.

[crustaceancountess]

There’s something really funny about casual medical malpractice, like when multiple times at an MRI they did not give me the panic button or like when at a hospital ward i got served food i was quite allergic to. It all doesnt feel as severe as doctors ignoring me or nurses walking by casually when i slipped and hit my hip but somehow it erodes my trust even more than the big things.

[crustaceancountess]

Idk if this is a hypermobility thing or a yet another funny little annoyance, but does anyone else have what i call „exploding foot”?

Its essentially just walking around and randomly for a few seconds getting a pain in the foot as if it was blown off by a shotgun before going back to fully normal.

[crustaceancountess]

Idk why do people eat greek yogurt, like

„Yes please give me the sour goop, remember to make it bite my throat as it slides down”

Utter lunacy, adding stuff to it is just lying to yourself too, the berries wont make it better