CRYINGOVERPROSFORNOREASON

[cryingoverprosfornoreason]

Stich.

Ganz unvermittelt, eine Erinnerung an dich,

ein Lächeln deinerseits, eine Geste, ein Blick

welche mir in Erinnerung blieb.

Sticht, macht mich benommen für einen Moment.

Verscheuche die Gedanken, denn ich möchte weiter,

fort von dir.

[cryingoverprosfornoreason]

Dear L.

Ich würd gern so viel schönes über uns schreiben.

So viele Missverständnisse, Kränkungen, Wut.

So viele Gespräche, hoffen, Enttäuschung.

So viel Willen und doch so wenig gemeinsam wollen.

[zenmister]

Self and Ego

Self and Ego, two peas in a pod.

One is human, one is god.

Self is loving, wise and kind.

Ego’s noisy, proud, and blind.

Ego thinks just, I am me.

Self knows, I am sky and tree.

Ego acts like life’s a race.

Self will ride at Ego’s pace.

Self accepts all Ego’s faults.

As Ego learns, Self exalts.

Ego learns to see its game.

Desire, anger, are to blame.

Then, when all is said and done,

Self and Ego become one.

[cryingoverprosfornoreason]

Gauloises, blau.

1,90 75 Kilogramm - jetzt sind’s 82 auf 1,90 und trotzdem fehlt irgendetwas entscheidendes. An einsamen Sonntagabenden, wenn die Sonne schon längst unter gegangen ist, lässt es mich unruhig auf und ab wandern, mich zu Kiosk laufen. Obwohl ich doch schon so lang nicht mehr rauche, kaufe ich dann eine Schachtel - meist Gauloises, die Blauen, sind nämlich stärker. Dazu noch ein, zwei Bier. Und so sitze ich dann zehn Minuten später auf dem Küchenboden, gegen die Spüle gelehnt - rauche und trinke, warte bis es vorübergeht. Noch ein Zug, noch ein Schluck, warten.

[what-strange-lives-we-live]

She’s a mess of gorgeous chaos and you can see it in her eyes.

Charles Bukowski (via what-strange-lives-we-live)

[cryingoverprosfornoreason]

Egal wie sehr ich mich müh, wie ich's dreh und wende, so recht scheints nicht zu passen. Das mit dem anpassen, einfügen, eingliedern. Bin immer mehr gegen als für. Mocht schon immer mehr, was niemand wollt.

[cryingoverprosfornoreason]

Schlick.

Wie Schlick, so klebt es an einem, an den Füßen, macht jede Bewegung zäh. An den Gedanken, macht das glückliche Gedanken denken fast unmöglich. Am Herzen. 

Unmöglich, in diesem Schlick zu laufen, es klebt an einem und manchmal, da wirkt es fast so, als würde es, je mehr man sich anstrengt, die Beine, die Gedanken frei zu bekommen, als würde es schwieriger und schwieriger. Klebt einfach überall, die Vergangenheit.

"Besorg 'n paar Golfschuhe, Mann. Sonst werden wir hier niemals lebend rauskommen ... Unmöglich in diesem ... Schlick herumzulaufen. Absolut kein Halt." - Raoul Duke (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

[cryingoverprosfornoreason]

Mehr.

Mehr, ich brauche mehr.

Alles ist zu wenig, fühlt sich nach zu wenig an.

Freude, mehr.

Familie, mehr.

Sport, mehr.

Uni, mehr.

Hobbies, mehr.

Geld, mehr.

Vielleicht auch ein bisschen weniger,

Sorgen, Depressionen, Selbstzweifel.

Mehr Selbstliebe , Gelassenheit.

Nie genug, meist hätt' ich gern mehr.

Mehr, besser, spannender, bedeutender,

Reicht nicht wies ist.

Wird wohl nie reichen.

[zenmister]

Advice on Everything

Before I give any advice, let me explain a few things. Here goes: The world is a crazy place. We are conscious living things made of meat and bones. We have energy. It is the same kind of energy as other life forms, and non-life forms. We humans are unique in that we not only have awareness, but self-awareness. Our meaty minds move energy, which we experience as ideas. Those ideas scramble around trying to make sense of this crazy world.

In order to make sense of this world, we invent the idea of self. That invented idea is as destructive as the invention of the nuclear bomb. As soon as we came up with the idea of self, then everybody else becomes other. We are each an other to everybody else’s self. The big deal about being selves and others is that we start competing and ranking ourselves against others.

That is all fine, except, besides being meat and energy, with ideas and awareness, we also have feelings. Some of those feelings feel good, and some feel bad. We vastly prefer the good feelings to the bad feelings. Both the good and bad feelings are there to help us survive and live and create more people. They help us make sense of the world and they are also confusing.

Our thoughts, ideas, and feelings constantly change in response to things happening inside of us and outside of us. How we make sense of them determines what thoughts and feelings we have next, and those determine what we do. Lots of what we think and do is designed to create good feelings for the self and to avoid bad feelings. However, because a lot of the sense that our meaty minds make of the world is non-sense, it is like we are wandering in a maze. In our maze, we go down a corridor that we think will lead to pleasure, because it feels good and makes sense, but as we go further and further down that path we find it causing pain. When we feel too much pain, we want to lie down and not move and we don’t feel like going anywhere else.

We want the maze to take us somewhere wonderful. We want to find that wonderful place and show all the other people in the maze how to get through to the wonderful place. Now, all the other people have been exploring the maze and some know how to get to wonderful places and others are stuck. Some have found wonderful places and lost them. Some people in exactly the same place feel different about that place and one thinks it’s wonderful and the other thinks it’s awful. So even when somebody who finds a wonderful place shows it to you, you may think it is awful. When you find a wonderful place and show it to somebody else, they may not appreciate it either.

As we all wander through this maze, this crazy world, more people are being born and dying, appearing and disappearing. That coming and going also causes good and bad feelings. Through it all, we have to keep interacting with the maze, with our ideas, with other people, with their ideas, with energy, with feelings, with senses, and it keeps changing and never stops. So what can we do?

Now the advice. In order to get through the bad feelings and become more receptive to the good feelings, recognize that you are facing a confusing world, and let yourself be confused. Remember that everybody else in the world is also confused in their own special way. Now and again, stop trying to make sense of things. Give your meaty mind a rest. Focus on just breathing and pretend that everything is going to be okay. Imagine how right were you are is a wonderful spot, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

Show your wonderful spot to somebody else, even if they can’t see it. Move your body in ways that use energy and help you replenish it. Notice the good and bad feelings and appreciate them as they come and go. Notice your ideas about yourself and appreciate that you are a special self-aware being. Remember that the idea of self is only an idea. You are good energy, trying to feel good. Focus your meat mind on little things that make sense all by themselves. 1+1=2. That makes perfect sense. Breathe air. Taste food and drink. Connect with others, because they all think they are separate too, and they all hurt sometimes too. Try to see their wonderful places and appreciate being wherever you happen to be together.

We all do our best to make sense of things and feel good, but sometimes things don’t make sense and they often feel bad. In that befuddling environment, we try to take care of ourselves and each other and progress in our understanding even if we don’t ever find that absolutely wonderful place or make any real progress within the maze. Sometimes we make more progress sitting still than we do when we run full speed. Sometimes we are full of energy and we can run.

[zenmister]

Letting Go

We all know that in order to find peace and happiness we just have to let go. Like all simple advice, letting go is not easy. One of the reasons that it is so difficult to let go is that we have to let go of something. We have to let go of our egos or we have to let go of our neuroses. We have to let our habits go. We have to let our desires and our anger go. It can be difficult or impossible to let these things go. What we need to do is let go of how we think about letting go.

To find peace and happiness, we don’t have to actively release things, that is not letting go, that is allowing to leave. Letting go is even more passive. Let things go as they go. Things go as they go and we have to find peace in that.

If there is a freight train barreling along the tracks, let it pass. If you decide not to let it pass and stand on the tracks in front of it, it passes anyway. You get obliterated. 

Letting go is becoming a mirror. A mirror reflects everything without passing judgement or grabbing onto the images that appear on its surface. It lets things come and go.

Although we are mirrors reflecting things as they go, we are also a participants interacting with things. Letting things go does not mean that we don’t interact with the world. Our actions, reactions and interactions are part of all that we are letting go. Our anger, desire and ego tricks come and go and we are aware of it all. If we resist, it happens. If we let it happen, it happens as it happens. It’s happening. Let it go.

[zenmister]

Feeling Depressed?

Mindfulness and meditation can be helpful in dealing with depression. When your mind is working against you, you feel lousy. Your best tool for addressing your mind is your body. Like roll starting a car with a dead battery, your body can roll start your mind. Smile, go for walks, eat healthy, delicious foods and most importantly breathe. Look for beauty in sights, sounds, tastes and touches and thoughts. There is no beauty as beautiful as that seen through depression. If you are feeling depressed, I hope you start feeling better, today, now.

Here are some posts I’ve written on depression:

Turning Depression Into Humility

Mindfulness, Anxiety, Depression, Addiction, and Healing

Addressing Depression

Depression, Clinical Depression, and Self

[cryingoverprosfornoreason]

Lieblos.

Augen zu, das Kopfkissen im Arm, liege ich da, versuche ich mir Jemanden vorzustellen.

Jemanden den ich liebe, dessen Nähe ich spüren möchte.

Kuscheln, Wärme, warme Gefühle für Jemanden empfinden.

Doch da ist nichts, niemand.

Die Augen zusammengekniffen versuche ich mir vorzustellen da wäre jemand. Gesichter, Begegnungen, Affären. U-Bahn, Bar, mein Bett.

[zenmister]

Find Yourself in a Relationship

There is no better spiritual practice than trying to love another human being. The problem that we run into as we search for the love of our life, is that we don’t often approach love as a spiritual practice. We tend to approach relationships full of romantic ideals of what love should be. We have faith that, with the right person, love will take care of us. The mistake we make is looking for the right person outside of ourselves.

To find the right person, we have to be the right person. Fortunately, we are all the right person. We are each, uniquely, ourselves. That is who we have been, who we will be and who we are. Unfortunately, we don’t know who we are. We often think that we are something else entirely. We tend to think of ourselves as something worse than we actually are. That is because what we actually are is as good as it gets. When we understand that we are complete as we are, we don’t make the mistake of looking for somebody else to complete us.

When we understand that our view of ourselves is distorted, then we become curious as to what we actually are. A romantic relationship is a great mirror for finding ourselves. The first thing we should notice when we love somebody is that the love we feel for them is our love. The other person may have wonderful qualities that inspire love, but the love we actually feel is our own. It is the beautiful essence of ourselves. When we feel other things as we get into a relationship, those are also our feelings. When they are reflected back to us, we need to look at them as well.

A relationship will show us how we relate to our feelings. Because the feelings in a close relationship are extra intense, we can’t miss them. We will see which feelings we can handle on our own, and which we assign to others. We will see if we need to forgive ourselves, or be forgiven. We will notice how we feel when we are angry and how we feel when somebody is angry at us. We can explore how we relate to jealousy, rejection, criticism. We will create opportunities to be generous to see how that feels. We will be able to practice saying sorry when we make mistakes.

If we look to find ourselves in relationships, whatever happens will help us grow. If we look to escape ourselves in a relationship, we will only confront ourselves again and again and we will need to escape the relationship.

Love is a great safety net that allows you to be yourself without fear of falling. When you practice finding yourself in love, you will love what you find.

[cryingoverprosfornoreason]

Endlichkeit.

Benebelt von Rum-Cola sitze ich da, starre Löcher in den hellblauen Himmel. Kleine weiße Wolkentupfer durchziehen ihn wie ein Aquarell. Ist es nicht merkwürdig, das all dass was ist aus dem Nichts entstanden ist? Planeten, Sterne, die tiefen des Ozeans. All das entstand irgendwann, irgendwie, eine Verkettung von hochkomplexen Umständen, Eines führte zum Anderen. Und hier sind wir, auf einem von zig Milliarden Planeten der eine von Milliarden und Abermilliarden Sonnen umkreist. Eines von Milliarden menschlichen Wesen, jedes mit einer Geschichte, mit Gedanken, Wünschen, so wie sie niemand anderes hat. Erschaffen nur um letztendlich zu vergehen. Wie eine Blume.

[cryingoverprosfornoreason]

Wach.

01:19, wach. Der Drang etwas zu tun durchströmt mich. Aufstehen, etwas in der Welt bewegen, etwas zu vollbringen. Etwas das größer ist als man selbst, das der eigenen Existenz einen Sinn, eine Daseinsberechtigung verleiht. Ein großes Schild auf dem in neon farbenen Lettern "Hey Welt , hier bin ich und das habe ich getan!" geschrieben steht. Der Wunsch es allen anderen und fast noch viel wichtiger, es sich selbst zu beweisen. Für einen kurzen Moment gelingt es mir tatsächlich den schweren Mantel der Lethargie von mir abzustreifen, Euphorie blitzt in mir auf nur um bei der Frage nach dem "was?" wieder blitzartig zu versiegen. Was tun? Was vollbringen? Wie es allen und sich selbst beweisen? Sport? Kunst? Karriere? Töpfern, Gitarre spielen lernen, den Master vielleicht ins Auge fassen, endlich wieder so richtig mit dem Sport anfangen?!

[cryingoverprosfornoreason]

[ungezaehmtfrei]

Genugtuung

Ich würde es nicht als Leere bezeichnen. Das klingt zu klassisch, zu klischeehaft - quasi so, wie es in allen Lehrbüchern definiert ist. Es ist nie leer, da ist immer ganz viel. Viel Angst, viel Einsamkeit. Viel Treibsand. Und wenn der bis zum Hals steht, hilft kein schwimmen, kein Rudern und kein Regenparka mehr. Alles zieht nach unten. Man kann nur abwarten und versuchen, den Kopf oben zu behalten, weiter atmen. Bis man aus Treibsand Burgen bauen kann. Burgen, deren Mauern dick genug sind, um zu beschützen und dünn genug, um keine Festung zu sein.

Sich selbst genug sein. Das wär’s.

© J'apprivoiserai ma liberté