Cryptic

I go by Sylas and I am also called Lauryn, Laurel, Lau, Ryn, and Cryptic but I am glad to go by whatever you would like. I enjoy a lot and am easily amused. I also draw sometimes and read often. 23 - they/them About Me

[comvi]

[maureen2musings]

Black-capped Chickadee & Downy Woodpecker showcasing winter fashion by donning a snowflake accessory

jocelynandersonphotography

[impormable]

Old dude came in the shop and when I said "lemme know if you have any questions" he goes "what was the name of Alexander the Great's horse," thinking he was so funny. I told him Bucephalus, and he was so disappointed. Like his whole day was hanging on beating me at trivia. He says "you're only the second person who knew that" and I said "well, probably the third if you count Alexander the Great." He left without buying anything, and did not say goodbye. I think I honestly hurt his weird little feelings! Sorry I'm a bitch, old man!

[sonnetscrewdriver]

I had one of these once, bookshop customer randomly challenged me to name, quote, ‘the only word in English where two u’s are next to each other’, and when I immediately said ‘vacuum’ he looked disappointed and when I pointed out it isn’t even the only word with two u’s next to each other in English and offered ‘continuum’ as an example he looked like I’d just punched his ribcage out his back like a Mortal Kombat character

[captainclickycat]

People claiming this didn’t happen have never worked a day in retail

[pankendev]

you never see cross-fandom shipping anymore. there should be horrible discourse about chilchuck x karkat

[hms-no-fun]

for real though chilchuck would be way better for karkat than dave and it would give dave an existential crisis. karkat needs structure and drive but dave is just like a hang out dude, which karkat is fine with until he meets an adult man who is employed and realizes that being 26 isn't the same as being an adult. dave would be in absolute shambles and move out onto jade's couch and she would be super attracted to him but he's just not looking for that kind of thing right now....

[rathayibacter]

the party meets chilchuck's new boyfriend at an alternian-style bbq and laios becomes obsessed with sampling all the different flavors of grubsauce

[hms-no-fun]

LAIOS: And the pails are for what exactly?

KANAYA: The Collection And Mixture Of Genetic Material That Is Processed Through The Mother Grub Into Millions Of Eggs

LAIOS: Wow!! Has anyone ever tried adding non-troll DNA to the slurry?

ROSE: I understand you're a student of the dark arts, Marcille.

MARCILLE: Hey, they're only called that because of short-sighted elven laws! Magic is just magic.

ROSE: Oh trust me, I couldn't agree more. In fact, I may have dabbled once or twice in the practice of forbidden majyyks myself. Have you ever seen the birth of a universe?

MARCILLE: N-No?

ROSE: Would you like to?

JANE: --and then you whisk until the egg forms peaks when you lift it up, like this see?

SENSHI: Mm mmm.

JANE: But the real chef's secret to a meringue is this, my patented Crockercorp Lemonator Concentrate. The essence of 10,000 lemons in a single drop!

SENSHI: That would pair very well with living armor, perhaps in a soup made of dragon bone broth...

JOHN: i like your cat! she gets annoyed when i stop scratching her chin haha.

MARCILLE: That's weird... Usually Izutsumi only lets girls pet her...

TEREZI: SO HOW D1D YOU TWO M33T 4NYW4Y? >:]

CHILCHUCK: Online dating. We matched on Fapr.

KARKAT: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL HER THAT!!!

[indigonite]

had to

[langernameohnebedeutung]

Lae'zel's character and her entire situation at the beginning of the game becomes so much more funny when you find out she's 22. It makes so much sense. Imagine you're 22 and you're exposed to this dangerous toxin or chemical or something - but not to worry, you learnt that this can be easily fixed, you just need to dial 911 real quick. Common knowledge. Everyone knows that. You learnt that in kindergarten, it's up there with fire alarm drills.

But the people you're stuck with have no concept of modern medicine and when you say "let's go to the hospital" they will say shit like "i think they kill people at the hospital" and "we should ask this swamp lady" or "this guy over there told me about this homoeopathic healer kind of guy but he got abducted" or "this random bard wants to help" and "I'm not going to dial 911 because I don't want the government to know my home address" or "maybe we should consider a deal with Satan". And then a bunch of them KEEP consuming the chemical because it makes them "stronger". One guy might explode for unrelated reasons. You have a few days before this situation is getting critical and suddenly they're solving crime and doing general charity for the community.

And FOR SOME REASON you still try to help these idiots and you STILL want to help them get the cure even though they all keep insisting the "doctors" at the "hospital" might try to "kill them" and they don't have insurance. And you keep telling them to just. go. to. the. hospital. before the time runs out and you all die very horribly of a very treatable condition.

And also you're 22 in a foreign country and you're responsible for shepherding this gaggle of idiots who are all ranging anywhere from 24 to 240 years old.

[roberttingle]

annoying when shows set in the medieval period have the women with thier hair just long and unstyled and out . girl go put on your wimple girl 🤦‍♀️

[elvensilk]

like there are so many fun medieval hair and headgear options, it's so boring just seeing loose beachy waves meant to appeal to 21st century beauty standards

put that hot prince in a gay little hood with an ostrich feather or so help me god

[proteidaes]

I heard it was appreciate a dragon day, so let's appreciate some dragons!!! 🐉🐉🐉

[larval-tear]

Apple Bottomjeans is a beautiful gname for a gnome

[irischroma]

Boots Witherfur is a joyful gname for this gnome’s friend

[inthefallofasparrow]

Baggysweat Pants and Reebok Switherstraps are the two orcs that are hunting them

[autostrad]

Wizard robe but it has a side slit.

[autostrad]

Wizard robe but you're wearing a corset over it

[autostrad]

[ID: a tag that reads, "whatever kind of boots a wizard wears but thigh high". /End ID]

Okay consider, the boots lil nas x was wearing

[swordkind]

may i humbly suggest these?

[ID: a photo of a pair of thigh-high dark blue suede boots with high gold heels. They are covered with bead embroidery of stars and zodiac constellations.]

[bee-barf]

ask and ye shall receive...

[lleyksie]

more ancient horse mamaposting

[json-derulo]

the past three weeks in a row, partner has gone to chipotle and been served by the same employee who, in bold defiance of the testimony of his own eyes and ears, ardently refuses to believe carnitas exist

[json-derulo]

partner: “Hi, could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and carnitas?”

employee (completely blank expression): “No.”

partner (autistic) (socialscript.exe encountered an unhandled exception) : “…Uh. Um. Sorry?”

employee: “We don’t have that.”

partner (wondering if perhaps he put too much of the authentic accent on the word and that’s what’s throwing the guy): “You don’t have…(pronouncing it whiter) carnitas?”

employee (face still unreadable): “No.”

partner (looking at the near-full hotel pan of perfectly normal carnitas in its usual place on the other side of the glass) (noticing this employee looks unfamiliar) (maybe he’s a new guy that just started five minutes ago with no training?) : “The…pork?” (pointing at it)

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (beginning to wonder if he’s the one that’s losing it) (desperately looks to the menu on the wall behind the employee) (the menu lists carnitas as a protein option) (the word “carnitas” is not crossed out or taped over or otherwise adulterated) (carnitas have been on the standard menu since at least 2016) : “Okay. Um. Are you…sure?”

other employee working the toppings part of the line (familiar) (have seen her before) (she has cool earrings): *gives the new guy a strange look, nudges him aside, and scoops the carnitas onto partner’s bowl before continuing with the other toppings*

Repeat conversation again the next week. And the next. Same guy. If it’s a bit, no one is laughing, including the employee.

[json-derulo]

theories I’ve considered:

- the employee keeps very strictly kosher/halal/vegan and refuses to handle pork (understandable, I respect that, but if you’re gonna work at a place that serves pork I do kinda feel like when someone orders it you’ve just gotta tap in a coworker to do it for you)

- someone did something gross to the carnitas and the employee is trying to warn people not to order it (??? throw it out then? also, three weeks in a row???)

- the employee is a space alien who views humans as so similar to pigs that for us to eat them is tantamount to cannibalism

[json-derulo]

- the employee is the lead in a kdrama romance about a pampered, clueless chaebol heir who is sent by his father to work in the company’s restaurants for a year in order to prove he’s ready to take over as CEO. he’s dumb as rocks but they can’t fire him or even correct him that harshly due to the power gradient. partner is just a minor reoccurring character, and the interaction is kept the same from week to week to highlight the development of the relationship between the employee and his love interest with the cool earrings (even if the restaurant is literally a fully-branded Chipotle, that’s somehow still not enough product placement for me to believe this is a real kdrama)

[json-derulo]

After reviewing again with partner, evidently I forgot a detail that set this week’s carnitas denial dance apart from the others.

partner (well aware of what he’s getting into with this guy now): “Hi. Could I please have a bowl with white rice, black beans, and pork?”

employee: “We don’t have pork.”

partner (demonstrating a level of patience only a public school teacher could have): *points at the pan of carnitas* “Could I please just have some of that?”

employee (after several slow, confused blinks): *points at the same pan* “That’s steak.”

partner (looking at the hotel pan they’re both pointing at) (it is filled with shredded meat of a pale beige color) (at the other end of the row of pans is another pan containing dark brown, lightly charred meat chopped into small pieces): “Okay.” *deciding he’s willing to play in this fantasy space if it gets the job done, he points at the first pan again* Then could I please have the steak?”

employee: *starts to reach for the pan at the other end containing the actual steak*

partner: "Oh—no, sorry, this one please?" *points at the first pan containing the carnitas*

employee: *blinks, then just walks away and starts helping the next customer in line, leaving partner's bowl unfinished*

other employee with cool earrings: *rolls her eyes at new employee, takes partner’s bowl, and fills it with carnitas herself*

new theories:

- the employee is a bridge troll who will only dole out his delectable carnitas to those who prove themselves worthy by correctly answering his riddles three

- the employee is stoned out of his mind at all times on a specific strain of weed that totally erases the concept of pork from his memory and awareness

[audhdspacewizard]

My dealer: got some straight gas 🔥😛 this strain is called “pork eraser” 😳 you’ll be zonked out of your gourd 💯

Me: yeah whatever. I don’t feel shit.

5 minutes later: dude I swear I just saw some steak in the hotel pan

My buddy Phillip pacing: Chipotle upper management is lying to us

[likeafieldmouse-deactivated2015]

[ficklefandoms]

Tim Hawkinson - Mobius Ship (2011)

oh this is neat

[dragoncarrion]

In tears

[hawkpartys]

[syn4k]

i like the phrases "it's not for me," "it's not my thing," and "i'm not the target audience" because they're the most concise way to express "this thing that you enjoy has merits but idgaf about it" without being aggressive

[warcrimesimulator]

thinking about creatures.

[warcrimesimulator]

look at this thing

[warcrimesimulator]

Tumblr users will see some kind of animal or beast and just slam the reblog button

[otiksimr]

That is a banded linsang.

They sit very politely.

[agnesandhilda]

shoutout to the woman from my high school martial arts class who liked to get me in joint locks and then joke about how I was easy to catch. you cannot comprehend how psychosexually formative that was for me

[agnesandhilda]

imagine, if you will, having an adolescent half-crush on someone way older than you, which is also confusingly blurred up with admiration of them as a role model. now imagine that you and that person are in a social environment where it is acceptable to (platonically, consensually) choke someone. I think I was very normal about it considering the circumstances

[agnesandhilda]

she would demonstrate takedowns on her husband (also in the class, and who was not a small man) before we got to try them and the first time I saw her twist him around and down onto the floor like it was easy my entire abdomen clenched

[agnesandhilda]

I cannot stress enough how eager this guy was to be manhandled (womanhandled?) and flipped around by his wife. he was her de facto guinea pig whenever she got to teach and I never saw him unenthusiastic about it. he'd set himself up for a joint lock fully smiling. the other adults in the class occasionally teased him about it (being so quick to let your wife put you in a submission hold tends to raise a few eyebrows), and I always kind of wanted to defend him but what would I have said? like, don't worry. I won't judge you. I also like being pinned down by your wife

[draculaisagothwizzard-deactivat]

That last sentance really hits ya like a psychosexually formative takedown

[agnesandhilda]

[rowanisawriter]

imo the pov character should be lying to themselves and concealing shit from themselves constantly

[unyieldingsilence]

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[rowanisawriter]

exactly, bestie. Exactly