" What's this? the consequences of my actions "

hiding place x vent blog × system themed rambles

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

eughh blehh blehhh I'm gonna make a new acct

[sleepcults]

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

echo chamber revival who up

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

I want you to hold me as tight as you hold your grudges.

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

I am flipped on my head, falling, tumbling, sinking, into something I cannot understand. dark and thick, although there is light where I have come from, I cannot dream of returning to it now. I am lost. So lost.

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

having the breath stolen from my lungs and crying and pulling my hair out over something small and trivial is insane why am I doing this why is my heart beating out of my chest like I've just woken from a nightmare why am I shaking like a frightened animal why am I like this it feels disgustingly raw i feel raw and exposed i feel. human.

i feel sickeningly human.

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

I wish you could drown me. plunge me into warmth and emotion and feel as everything spills out of my lungs. pour paint over my head, thick and glossy like every positive word you've said about me, stuck to my throat and keeping me coughing up colour for weeks. I need to be engulfed in something. not flame. I do not have the passion left, there is no spark to spring me into that obsessive frenzy. there is just you and me. you and the cracking of my bones, of the cold stare in my eyes. the quiet but repetitive drip of residue against the floor, pooling beneath me and showing an outpour of colour so vibrant that I only wish it be mine. Take me Whole.

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

I want you to hold me as tight as you hold your grudges.

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

I didn't need this tonight. of all nights. of all the times for this to happen. I'm sick of this I'm at my limit I can't take anymore. I can't even get a minute of calm.

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

I want to kill myself for you. I want to tear you apart and make sure you can only think about me. about watching my death and everything that comes with it. I want to wrap myself around your thoughts and read every mournful regret you dare not voice.

But I also want to love you afterwards. I want to be the person who tells you that I was selfish and that it isn't your fault. that there was nothing you could do. I want to relieve every memory of me that you have until I'm nothing more than a bad dream.

how do I scar that perfect conscience of yours while still retaining some sort of admiration from you. how do I die without leaving. how can I do worse than to commit suicide in front of you. what would it take.

I bet you're glad I'm always too tired to do it. but one day. one day I just might. just the two of us. you, me, and death.

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

I'm so sick of being cold. I'm so sick of the vomiting and the fatigue. I haven't had the energy to shower in weeks and everyone around me is making me feel like shit too. as soon as I'm out of sight they forget me. I'm nothing. always second choice and the one that gets left over. I'm convinced I'm meant to be dead by now.

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

Resisting the urge to say that I'm going to put your full name and adress on my suicide note every time I feel something that isn't a euphoric high from you.

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

The thought of people having info about me - sys descriptions , names , pronouns , triggers, makes me absolutely sick to my stomach with anxiety. all people ever do is use what they know about me against me. I want to fade into obscurity and wipe everyone's memory.

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

Honestly I just want to give up. no matter how many manic episodes of defiance to you I have, no matter how much I slit my wrists and try to bleed out every thought I have about you it's never enough. it's so tiring to feel this much. You're so tiring.

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

So strangely overwhelmed from nothing I just want to sit in the dark and curl up and forget everything for a few minutes I just want to let go of all obligation and just. let myself rest for once. I wish it didn't have to always feel like it was me alone against the world

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

Everyone Says it's fine to be autistic, it's fine to be a little weird from it and have difficulty regulating your emotions or processing the thoughts and feelings of other people!! but as soon as you actually show any autistic trait that isn't cute or quirky you seem like a cunt and everyone hates you for: getting so easily upset over little things that wouldn't matter to an allistic or feeling awful and isolating yourself because you feel like you'll actually die if you don't share things about your spins with people around you even though you're annoying them and they hate you and your interests . I hate this I hate this I hate this why couldn't I just have been born normal !!!!!

[crystalline-echo-chamber]

I feel so FUCKING STUPID for ever trusting anyone with information about what hurts me and who I am and how sensitive I am to criticism and adjacent insults. it feels like they all fucking do it on purpose now just to see how much faster they can push me to kill myself finally! how can they cram my psychic break into that small window where there's nobody to help me and I'm all alone.

Well fuck you. you win. won't be so funny when I show you what'll really happen right? won't be such a euphoric high when someone actually takes what you say seriously for once.