Itâs already hard enough for me to ask for help, and it took me a lot to work up the courage to do so.
I just felt like [my professor] could only teach a certain type of way. [They] could not teach in a way that people with different learning types could understand. The way that [they] taught...I just didn't click with, and I feel like in these situations -- especially as a black woman in tech -- a lot of my problems do stem from my identity, and where I come from, and how I understand things. But I also do acknowledge that, you know, I think every time there's an issue there's always something that the person can do better, and IÂ acknowledge that. But god damn that class. I was sitting in class, and I'm just like what the fuck are you talking about? I'm staring at you, I'm listening to you, I'm trying to digest the information, and I really don't know what the fuck you're saying. So after a time, in combination with the fact that I wasn't getting any sleep either -- I have sleep apnea -- I was just like...you know I can't even have any energy to focus on this.
I distinctly remember a time where [my professor] said, âLet me know if you have questions, I'll wait after class.â So, I was like...you know, today's the day. Today's the day I'm gonna ask for help. So I get up, and I sit in the front, and I had all my stuff packed, just waiting in the front. [My professor] is talking to another student...no, wrong I asked for help first. [My professor] was about to answer me, and some man interrupted me, and then [they] like turned [their] attention away from me, and answered his question. He had some sort of long question, so I said okay. Like, dead-ass okay, whatever, I'll sit down and wait.
So I sat down, and I waited for like 10 minutes. The dude leaves, everyone's gone, and my professor is packing up, like erasing the board and stuff. I'm like standing up, I'm like okay [are they] gonna say something to me? I stand up, and I go up to [them], and I'm like, âHey, remember I had this question?â And my professor goes, âOh, I have to pick up my kids right after this. Another time.â
This was, mind you, about almost 30 minutes after class, and I was waiting the whole time, and [they] didn't say shit to me. I'm like okay so like...it's already like hard enough enough for me to ask for help. Not because I have a problem with asking for help, like because I don't ever think I need help, or something. Itâs because I think I always need help, and knowing that I already had a past with [this professor] with doing really badly in a [previous] class, and I was doing badly in this class, it was just like...I don't know, just nerve-wracking. I was majorly anxious, and it took me a lot to work up the courage to go ask [my professor] for help, and [they] just totally fucking blew me off. and I was like, okay thanks.