Dragonwood

Byrnes Family

[csbyrnes]

Inhaling Seagull

#ThatExplainsIt

[csbyrnes]

Healing

I had been circled by this dragon for some time.  Days?  It could have been mere hours.  Years?  It could have even been decades.  I didn’t know how long according to how I used to understand Time.  But the dragon had been with me all along.  Going before me and surrounding me.  And his company was exactly what I needed.  I could not have walked on my own.

And I did walk.  I walked through parenting by myself.  I walked through work, and the caring for others without a partner.  I served the One who the Dragon also served.  But only by the power of the One.

As the cancer of my ex-wife was cut out, the wound was cauterized.  As the dead wood of who she had been was burned, the smoke became an incense that healed.  As the struggle of misdirection faded, so did the memory of her.

Yet the impact of her lies and her attempts at misdirection continue.  She continues to obfuscate and gaslight -- and the children are now pawns in her game.  But even that is manageable, because I am resting on the One.  The dragon’s voice, which still rings with me, true and strong, is the perfect memory now.  My faith is renewed.  My joy has returned.

Because of the self-sacrifice of the One.  Because of Truth from His Word.  Because of Strength from which all other strength is derived. I am amazed that He would consider me.  And He does so much more than just consider me.  He acts on my behalf.

He sent the Dragon.

And he sent a wonderful woman.

[csbyrnes]

Truth

I was struggling to believe the truth.  My wife had told me so many lies, and I believed them because I trusted her.  One of those lies was that she felt “loved” in her adultery; that she saw it as more real than actually being shown commitment and sacrifice and forgiveness by her husband; by me.  She didn’t didn’t value my actions.  She instead valued lust, and considered the feelings that followed as more important than the truth.

The truth in love was irrelevant to her, because only feeling “loved” (which wasn’t love at all, as it was purely selfish -- according to the results), was all that mattered to her.  And so there was a set-up that I couldn’t contend with.

If she had to feel a certain way before the facts can be worked with, then there is no way that I can even speak.  Because to her, truth comes after feelings -- perhaps long after.  I was to chase a feeling and catch it, if I was to be with her.  I never could do that.

I heard a voice at that moment.  It was coming from a distance, but it was somehow as close as my own thoughts.  It resonated through the air on my skin and the hairs on the back of my neck.  This voice was chasing the wind and caught it.  This voice may very well have started the wind in motion.  It was the voice of the one I had just met, but yet knew better by not seeing its form in front of me.  I knew to trust it.  I knew to respect the immense power it was not wielding at the moment.  It was the dragon.

“She hates you.  She hates me.  She hates the one who sent me.  Her hatred started with my Master, and ended with you.  You are last to fall in a succession of decisions she invested herself in long before she abandoned you and your family.  Don’t think of yourself so highly.  It’s not about you.”

I fell down.  I had been leveled again.  I was not even able to breathe, let alone cry.  I turned white and my skin was clammy.  I was sweating profusely, but I was cold and shivering.  Who knows how long it took, but at some point I gasped for air; hard, like I had been underwater and shoved to the surface at the last possible moment.

“A decision to move toward something, and then to act on that decision -- that is love.  A decision to move away from something, and then to act on that decision -- that is hate.  You are her enemy because my Master is her enemy.  Take comfort in that.”

[alistairradley]

We will always question God’s love for us if we define his love by how we feel and not by what he has done.

Greg Morse (via alistairradley)

[csbyrnes]

My wife had been lying.  My wife had been duplicitous.  My wife had betrayed me and my family.  Her family.  My wife had been sleeping with another ... but openly.  She told me that this is what friends do.  They were women, after all.  And as a man, I wouldn't understand. She acknowledged that friends aren't sexual, and insisted that the two of them weren't inappropriate.  Rather, she told me that friendships like this were needed, and that this is what was lacking in her life.  She told me that it was wonderful and freeing precisely because it wasn't sexual.  And that God had sent this 'friend' to her. And I believed it. This 'friend' claimed Christ.  This 'friend' even claimed me as a friend.  This 'friend' claimed my wife as the best of friends.  This 'friend' was venomous.  This 'friend' was manipulative. And my wife invested in this 'friendship' more than in her husband; more than in her children. And they did it all in my home.  In the next room.  And I thought I was going nuts. I had self-pity.  I had jealousy.  I had insecurity.  Of course she was right -- friends must do this.  It couldn't be her -- because she is a wonderful, godly and thoughtful person. But not. She is forceful in her language.  She judges others without mercy -- yet insists on grace without limits for herself.  She is angry -- but masks it through depression. I believed her.  I trusted her.  I shouldn't have. Twenty-two years of marriage.  One year of engagement.  Three years of dating.  Doing the math, that's 26 years together.  But I was the frog in the kettle.  I was naive.  I was trusting.  She was a devil.  In the name of Christ. She has justified her behavior, since she finally acknowledged it, as my fault.  Yes, my fault.  Because she was depressed and I couldn't meet her needs.  So naturally she would betray her vows, walk away from her children, and commit herself to this 'friend'. She was happy to tell me of how many people have acted in similar fashion.  And God's grace covers it, all.  No need to make things right.  No need to repent. She just needed to go to counseling herself, so that she could be a great mother to the children that she was leaving. She is a devil.  Not was.  I need to accept this fact.

[csbyrnes]

Realignment

And realign, I did. It was no easy task. God is not "nice". The warnings were clear and numerous. They came and I had ignored them -- I needed to acknowledge that fact. The Bible was replete with warnings against falling away, and I saw them through a lens of ignorance. Or perhaps it was naivite.

Salvation is something that God holds on to, but which we also hold on. We are not operatng without consequence. What we say and what we do matters. God is good, but "good" is not nice. No matter what we want "good" to be. That is difficult to acknowledge.

The dragon was growing impatient with me just standing there, or perhaps it was his (or her?) sense of urgency as the next step was taken without me.

"There is a devil that you love. You must kill it. You must purge the evil that you hold dear. As long as you hold on to what has declared war upon the Almighty, you also are against God Himself. There is truth in the saying, `the enemy of my enemy is my friend,' and, 'the friend of my enemy is my enemy.' Kill the enemy first. Or you yourself will be killed."

And with that, the dragon bared its teeth. It pulled back. Its muscles strained. Its wings seemed to grow in size before me. It pushed off as the ground gave way. It soared upward and onward. I felt the baramoter dive. The world changed before me, as the dragon became more real and less present. Life was no longer what I had known. Eternity and the unseen lay open before me. I was tense and in need of release.

Oh, to be removed from this mortal coil. Oh, to be on the other side of temporal existence. And yet, here in the moment I was. With a fuzzy path laid out before me: I was to kill that which I loved. And I loved my wife. I had given up everything for her. Because to lay down your life for another was the epitome of love.

To choose her, to trust her, to do what I could for her -- that was was love. To trust her with my heart and my soul -- she couldn't be at fault, after all. I had many failings, I know. I couldn't meet all of her needs. It wasn't for a lack of desire; it was for a lack of ability.

My intuition, which said that I was failing her, was wrong.

[csbyrnes]

On the Outside looking In

I was barely able to think, let alone move.  I did both, though.  But it didn’t feel as though it was me choosing my actions -- I was on the outside looking in; watching myself act, as though watching a movie.  Yet I knew what was going through this characters mind.

I was astounded at multiple things at once.  I was astounded that what I was so confident in was about to leave me.  What I trusted in implicitly wasn’t remotely trustworthy.  My love was misplaced.  My allegiance was misplaced.  My desires were misplaced.

And this beast in front of me had it right.  I needed to realign myself.  Desperately.

[csbyrnes]

Byrnes Family Redefined

Are you for us, or for our enemy? 

“Neither.  But in the name of the Lord, I come.”

The beast descended.  The air turned cold.  The breath left my lungs.  The wings were not silent, nor were they loud.  There was an other-worldly feel; as though my perception and reality were somehow disconnected.  I stood transfixed -- feeling as though I was ready to bolt at a moment’s notice, yet also as though my feet were made of lead.  I knew, somehow, that I was safe.  Although in the presence of immense power that could snuff me out without notice, I knew I was given detailed attention.  I was the purpose, although there was no obvious reason for it.  Falling down, I expected that I was no more than an ant -- yet being pulled up by the chin and and looked directly in the eye, I was somehow the point.

The beast was immense.  It would have put a lion to shame, if they were side-by-side.  Its teeth were huge, its claws, more so.  Its body was bigger than anything I had seen on this earth, and its wings engulfed even them. Behind its eyes was wisdom and intelligence and duty.  Side by side with this creature, I was visually of no importance.  It would have disregarded me, if it wasn’t protecting me.  I was the dragon’s purpose.

“In the name of the Lord, I come.”  In the name of the Lord Jesus, who is supreme.  His name, above all names.  He sacrificed everything for us who would otherwise be disregarded; and gave everything, His very life, for our lives.  I knew this Lord.  Sort of.  How does anyone know the Creator of All?

This Jesus was who this seemingly all-powerful beast gave his allegiance and service.  Was there another more powerful than the dragon in front of me?  Apparently, Yes.  If I could not stand in front of this angel, this servant, how could I stand in front of the One who sent him?  He had come to protect me, and yet not.

This most amazing of creatures couldn’t care less about me. He cared about whom he served.  And his orders were clear to him, if not to me.  He knew what he was doing, and I was why he had come.  He said,

“What you care about most will be torn from you.  In the tearing, you might choose a better thing.  And yet, you might not.”