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Acronym Win

Norman: I'm working on naming it [new program] using SASQUATCH as an acronym.

#Norman #Meetings with Norman are the best #If he accomplishes this I take back every snide thing I've ever said about him #That's a lie - the steak thing is still weird

Finding Bigfoot

Me: As far as we know right now, this system is like a magical entity. Sort of like Bigfoot. We've all heard about it but no one really knows what it looks like or what it does.

#This is why I shouldn't speak in meetings #Analogy win?#At least people laughed #Finding Bigfoot #Unrelated: but that was a fantastic show

Weight Loss With Norman

Me: Long time no see.

Norman: Notice anything different?

Me: Um. You've lost weight?

Norman: Yeah! It's this incredible thing I thought of: I stopped eating so much junk food. It's revolutionary.

Me: Totally.

Norman: I should write a book.

#Norman #I predict a straight to clearance book #He should write this book and include all of his other insights #You too can lose weight if your diet doesn't consist solely of take out #I love awkward catch-up conversations #Clearly he hasn't gotten smarter

A Hairy Situation

Tammy: Did you get a haircut?

Hans: How can you say that? I come into work every day and look the same way. Are you saying I needed a haircut, that I didn't look good yesterday? I don't even know what to say to that. I can't believe you'd be so rude! I'm insulted. I can't believe this. [Pause] Yes, I got a haircut. Thank you for noticing.

#Hans #Haircuts with Hans #When compliments backfire #Lessons in awkward

... and chew, three, four

Norman: I would go so far as to say that jerky saved my life. When I was driving out here it kept me awake better than coffee. It's an active food, you know? 'Cause you have to hold it, then bite it, then chew it, then digest it, so it engages you more fully

#Vintage Norman #A biting commentary #logic fail #You can digest while you're sleeping ...

Clearly a Scan

Danica: My family's from Scandanavia.

Me: What country?

Danica: Scandanavia.

Me: That refers to a group of countries.

Danica: Oh. Right. We're from Scan.

#Danica #Congrats Scandanavia on your new addition!#I feel like Scan is the country the rest of Scandanavia mocks

The Sound of Stupid

Norman: When you hear loud noises your ear cells stay deaf forever. You know that high pitched sound you hear? It’s the sound of your ear hairs dying.

#He's like that weird bum in the alleyway offering up awkward science advice you didn't want #Vintage Norman #What's the sound your brain makes as its cells commit suicide?

The Future of Hans

Hans: It's like I'm joining the Titanic.

#Hans #Hans will be leaving us in the new year #I will attempt to queue as much of what he says as I can #I will miss Hans #Hopefully his replacement is as epic #I don't think he can be replaced

Modified Muppets

Tammy: It's a Muppet, you can put whatever you like on it.

Hans: Except genetalia.

#Hans #We were talking about how you can make your own Muppet at FAO Schwartz #It didn't take long for Hans to go there #I think Hans is permanently there #I can't look at Sesame Street the same way now

How to Pick Up a Waitress

Norman: There was this one time where I was sooo drunk at a resturant that I hit on the waitress.

Max: We've all been there.

Norman: Yeah, but, oh man. You've no idea. This girl had really long hair so I was all "your hair is really long" and she smiled at me. And then I was all "How long is your hair?" Oh, man. It was so funny! I was sooooooo drunk!

#Vintage Norman #Drunk games to play if Rapunzel ever shows up at your party #I'd wager he'd have asked even if he was sober #Romance is dead #That poor waitress - she probably cut her hair after this conversation #If she was Rapunzel she should have slapped him with her ponytail

Anti-Logic

Norman: Anti-virus companies are the ones who make viruses. It's the only way they can have job security.

#Vintage Norman #Anti-logic #He's the worst conspiracy theorist ever #logic fail #Nutritionists are the ones who stalk vending machines to ensure their job security

His nickname is apparently “badger” because he ate chips under the bed or was asked to. I don’t know. Don’t blame me for not listening - I’ve surpassed my stupid quota for the day!

email conversation regarding the things Norman was saying

#Vintage Norman #His presence badgers me #I'm going to start calling him porcupine because he makes me want to poke my eye out #Clearly I am not the first person to be annoyed by him

Goal Setting 101

Norman: The greatest thing I ever did was eat the bottoms of all the gingerbread men on the Christmas tree as a kid and blame our cat. My parents told everyone that the cat ate the decorations but it was me. I told them the truth last year.

#Vintage Norman #I sort of want to see the scrapbook of his life. It probably chronicles other milestones like eating grass #It's nice to see you setting realistic goals for yourself #Really? THAT's the greatest thing you've ever accomplished?! I bet he uses that as a pick-up line: I'm like a cat - ask my parents.

Split Judgment

Norman: The snowboard felt more natural to me because when you're on skiis and hit a slight bump your legs go apart but when you're on a snowboard they stay together.

#Vintage Norman #logic fail #Could it be because your legs are strapped to one board?#I can totally see him attempting to use one binding for both feet #I remember watching a Goofy cartoon as a child where Goofy fell and became a giant snowball tumbling down the mountain - that is how I en...

Perception is Everything

Norman: Yeah... I tried out a couple of snowboards in the shop but they felt different on the hill.

#Vintage Norman #I used to ride the merry-go-round all the time in the mall and then one day I sat on a real horse and it freaked me out #I also find that mountains feel different from formica

Feng Sui Your Death

Danica: Humans ruin everything. Look at Everest.

Tim: It's true.

Danica: Bodies and garbage everywhere! If you're going to die at least fall over the edge and into a crevasse so no one has to see you.

Me: Because I am sure that is exactly what someone is thinking as they freeze to death: where can I die that is aesthetically pleasing.

Danica: It's still a good point.

Tim: I don't think it's a point at all.

#Danica #logic fail #This would make an amazing elective course at college #Inconsiderate corpses #Someone should get those crazy Baptists from the States to protest these climbers #The nerve!#When I die I'll make sure to do so in a casket to make things easier for everyone

The Semicolon of Brilliance

Hans: It's a fine line between genius and mental retardation. There's a semicolon in there.

#Hans #The fine line #There's nothing I can add to this statement #Whenever a semicolon shows up you know there's going to be a party #Or some serious butchering of punctuation

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