Your personalised routine:
1. Warm-Up: Mirror Activation
Walk on the treadmill at barely moving speed
One hand on the rail, the other holding your phone
- Lip gloss reapplication
- Checking your angles in the mirror
2. Glutes: Absolutely Necessary Squats
3 x sets of “however many people are watching”
Squat depth: just enough to count
Tempo: slow on the way down, pause to look over your shoulder
Optional: exaggerated stretch at the top like it’s extremely hard work
Bonus: Loud exhale on the last rep for drama
Speed: 2.5–3.0 (brisk mall stroll)
Incline: high enough to justify the outfit
- Side-eye at reflections and admirers
- Pretending you’re “sooo sweaty” after minute three
4. Arms: Baby Weights, Big Attitude
Dumbbells that look insulting to pick up. The turquoise ones if Bethany already has the pink ones.
- Face saying “I can’t believe I’m doing this”
NB: If you can’t flirt or gossip while lifting, the weight is too heavy.
5. Abs: The Performative Crunch
Adjust top, look to see if that black king has noticed you
Finish with a plank you abandon early because “ugh, I hate planks.”
6. Hydration Break: Electrolyte Intermission
Shake bottle aggressively
Spill a little for authenticity
This takes as long as it takes for people stop staring.
NB: this is when the whiteboys will descend. Let them. It's good to be popular even if you have no intention of ever taking them up on their offers.
7. Cool Down: The Stretch & Survey
Hamstring stretch you don’t need
Hip flexor stretch you definitely don’t need
Slow walk around the gym like you forgot something important (you didn’t). Swirl around the black king until he gives you some encouragement to approach. It is acceptable to stand close by and wait and give off the vibe that you're his girlfriend but don't overstep if his gf is actually there, and if there's more than one bunny circling, be prepared to share.
Selfie and post to your socials
Exit like you’ve done something
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