Due to popular demand (one person asked) (@ambiguityenjoyer), here is my unpolished Shane Hollander Guilt Thesis, which is ultimately grounded in the idea that Shane holds an unearthly amount of guilt, especially around desire. I wish we would explore how this, in addition to his shame—which is really inextricable from this—manifests in internalized homophobia and an eating disorder. I think that deep down, Shane feels this innate guilt that seeps into everything he's ever done. He feels guilty for being such a perfectionist and being so particular—like making his friends accommodate his weird diet; maybe for how particular he was as a child, and for the way his parents had to accommodate him growing up—but he can't stop himself, because being perfect, and making it all Worth It, is too important. I love the idea of there being this internal conflict between I have to be perfect -> this need to be perfect is hurting the people around me -> to make up for this, I will simply be More Perfect and feel extraordinarily bad about it and maybe that will somehow justify it.
Then we introduce actual desire into his life, and his guilt shifts towards how badly he wants love and affection (how can he still want more when he should already get enough from his parents? how dare he want a man in the first place?) and how badly he wants Ilya. This makes him hesitant to talk to Hayden or JJ about things. They don't make it easier, and in fact reinforce this guilt, with their casually homophobic and Ilyaphobic remarks. Wanting men, especially Ilya, is a betrayal to his team, and they keep reminding him of it. Why can't Shane deny himself this desire the way he can deny himself everything else?
In my beautiful mind where the Long Game is written how I want and we actually get to see more than like one chapter from his pov, Shane feels, like. SO guilty when Ilya moves to Ottawa, and even worse as the Centaurs continue to perform so badly over the years. He doesn't think he deserves such a big sacrifice from Ilya. He's thinking, I have to make it worth it somehow. I have to make myself and everything perfect for Ilya. This applies not only to his eating and his general perfectionism, but also extends to Shane's approach to their ten year coming out plan—it has to go perfectly or else Ilya will leave me. And when Ilya seems to deviate in any way from this plan (showing a desire to come out earlier than planned, trying to be affectionate in public), it would make Shane panic. And I also think that it would be interesting to consider Shane feeling sickening guilt over Ilya’s depression. What if he feels like it’s his fault? Ilya moves all the way to Ottawa and away from all his friends for him, joins this shitty team, gives up any chance of ever going back to Russia, potentially gives up any chance of ever having a prestigious/fulfilling career—how can Shane not feel personally responsible for Ilya’s poor mental health?