Morose Melancholy

Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; the rest is just opinion www.cuddlemex.blogspot.com

[cuddlemex]

About last night [28-02-17] 09:51AM

You were in my dream last night. It wasn't any crazy or some nonsensical scenario like how most dreams are. It was simple and I woke up feeling like maybe it really did happen. We were just sitting next to each other; backs propped up against the wall, knees to our chest, side by side as we stared at each other and uttered our finals words. There existed no bitterness in our hearts or our words or intentions. I knew what I felt and I knew what I wanted to let you know and the words had flown out of my lips so effortlessly it was such immense relief; I wished you to be happy and I apologised over and over on how cruel I had been to you, how I had chosen to ignore you when you were hurting and only cared about my own happy little bubble. Now you, you didn't say much. But you accepted my words with an open heart, you didn't bite back with any anger or resentment. I got emotional and wanted to hold you and you let me. None of us said anything but we both knew that we just weren't meant to be in each other's lives. I was throwing away the fantasy of maintaining a friendship. I wondered how badly must I want you to hear my apologies for me to dream so vividly about it? And whilst I was questioning that, I got another answer to why I would never approach you with these words either. I just know the timing is not right... whenever we talk there's still so much hurt, anger, and bitterness inside of you so I just know my words will not be accepted or even considered. So for now, I'll settle with putting down these feelings onto this blog.

[cuddlemex]

08062016

Exam approaching and is it bad to say I've already pretty much given up and telling myself I'll do better next year? I mean, it's not like first year at uni count aha. Regardless, I can't be laying in bed all the time feeling sorry for myself. I've deleted pretty much all of my social media apps just so I have less distraction. I hope to start eating better again and maybe workout more as this will help me feel better about myself in general and so I don't feel sluggish all the time. I'm feeling pretty shit. Like kind of really shit. Just sick of crying and feeling absolutely worthless. Idk. Like I just need to stop having these emotional breakdowns alone in my room it can't be good yano haha. Just taking shit day by day.

[cuddlemex]

Nothing ever goes to plan and I always end up hurting and disappointed. Just need to keep my chin up and open new doors.

[melaninhoe-deactivated20180111]

There is too many people in the world for y'all to be stuck on one person who dont even want to treat you right.

[cuddlemex]

getting all loved up for valentines

[cuddlemex]

Lost first Mac foundation

I've like ranted about this on almost every social media sites I have but I'm still pissed at myself. Lately I've been kind of into makeup and experimenting (mainly because ever since exams have finished and I have nothing to do with myself until the 2nd semester starts). On Tuesday I went to Nottingham to meet with an old coworker and Hai and we had lunch. After that Hai and I went off, he decided to treat me a little since for the last few weeks of first term he was mad broke cos he splurged on shoes and I had to take charge of the paying for things at the time. I was wearing heels that day and it started to be kind of painful so he bought me a new pair of boots. He helped me with my grocery shopping, treated me out to dinner, and then when we went to Mac he paid for the foundation I wanted. I'm not saying all this for a "humble brag" or whatever you call it, and others may find this to be standard, but I'm just more used to us two both paying for things etc and it was just nice of him to treat me for the day anyway. So yes, I was very appreciative. Throughout the rest of the day it remained to be absolutely freezing and put bags were full and I couldn't even put the mac bag into my handbag since it was just so full up. I mean, thinking back to it I should've just fuckin put the bottle of foundation into my bag and threw away the Mac bag. At the end of the day when we were making our way to the station to come back to Loughborough, I decided to shove the Mac bag with the foundation in into my handbag as it was so cold and I couldn't be bothered having both my hands out. When we finally got to Lough I was looking through my bag and realised the Mac bag was no longer anywhere to be found. The panic set in. I was so excited to try it out, i was so happy to see what it was all about, and to see how bomb it would make me look omg. I actually cried because I felt so bad and what made me feel worse was that Hai wasn't even pissed at me he just kept on trying to reassure me and telling me he would buy me another one. Anyway, that's my rant for the day since I'm still not over it and regardless of me getting another Mac foundation id probably still be pissed at myself, thinking, "if I hadn't lost that first one I would now have two Mac foundation" or some dumb crap like that lol

[cuddlemex]

If I looks like I have a shit tonne of makeup on it's because I did. I spent my first day of freedom sleeping in, playing with makeup, and takin selfies. Tomorrow shall be the day I clean my room top to bottom!

[cuddlemex]

Finished my last assignment so now I'm free until the 1st on feb! Yes yes YES!

[cuddlemex]

Start again from the beginning?

I've always wondered this but you know when people break up or go on a "break" and then get back together, what do they say when people ask them how long they've been together? Do they just subtract the amount of time they weren't together of do they have to start again from the very beginning... Hai and I broke up for a good month after summer but we're back together now. Next month it will be 2 years and 6 months together but now I don't ever causally post "monthaversaries" anyway (since I realised it was actually annoying as fuck) and I just felt like I'd be such a fake if I still continued to pretend like nothing ever happened. I don't put it out there what happened but I think people get the idea. So now when people ask I just say "2 years" and if it ever comes out I do just casually let them know that we did break up for a month. I mean, it seems to happen pretty frequently in relationships so it shouldn't be a big deal, right? Or am I doing that thing again where I care too much about what people think about me?

[cuddlemex]

Why are my nails so awkwardly long ._. Anyway, so lately I've been pretty bored of my hair and experimented around a little (hence why it's brown again and no longer jet black). However, I wanted to take it a step further by giving myself highlights. Yes, uh oh. I used this hair b4 thing which is supposed to shrink the colour molecules and strip the dye without bleach (and pretty sure if must have bleach judging by how light if went and how it stained my towel). So I put the products on the desired area yada yada and the foil and this is where I went INSANE. I decided, hmmm, last time I had to wait 2 hours for it to work, why don't I just run my hair straightener over these foils to quicken the process? Good news is that it worked, bad news is that it worked too well and went too light and it was patchy. Pretty sure you can see it a little on the photo but the worse of it is in my under layers lol. So glad I did the research prior on how to get rid of orange/red tints in my hair cos my hair was so brassy. I toned it and now it looks BETTER but like still patchy in areas and idk what to do my hair has finally grown out from the pixey hair cut I had and now it's all damaged I just know if I go to a salon they're going to bleach it T_T

[cuddlemex]

11012015 - {05:06AM}

I think all I want and need in a relationship is reassurance. I’m the most insecure person ever and I will annoy you with my emotions and feelings of jealousy and inadequacy but I just need that constant reassurance to keep me going.

If I voice my feelings about something that upsets me I just need a genuine, “you know how I feel about you” type of talk. I don’t think I ask for much. I’m also not one to openly talk about the struggles of my relationship either as I always like to give praise and let people know we’re good. But that’s just fake and lies. No relationship is 100% always “good.”

I don’t want to complain. I don’t want to be greedy. I just don’t want him to say, “well if that’s how you feel then don’t be with me” or, “go find someone better then” and sometimes even the simple question of, “then why are you with me?” because it just breaks my fucking heart. He says it all the time when I bring up my feelings or something that he’s done with made me upset. He apologises but I don’t want him to question our relationship or tell me to leave him.

I’m too sensitive. I know that. I’m repetitive and emotional and it’s probably a burden. I just wish he understands that and just be there and let me know that my feelings are valid and acknowledged.

Sorry if it’s too “high maintenance.”

[cuddlemex]

Feel like a massive twat going into my politics exam this upcoming Tuesday since I know fuck all about politics. I barely know how the fucking parliamentary or the presidential system work ffs. Going to fail. Going to fail so bad I’ll want to die.

[cuddlemex]

TMI

Pretty sure I have a yeast infection which is kind of embarrassing and I don’t really know how to go with talking about it. Never had anything like this before so I didn’t know what it was until I realised the symptoms I was having matched with the typical yeast infection.

I remember in high school, a friend told me that this girl had a yeast infection because she (or her boyfriend) was dirty and I guess that stigmatised thought kind of carried at the back of my mind ever since whether I realised it - or wanted it to - or not.

I know my boyfriend isn’t dirty in the hygiene sense since he’s a clean freak and showers all the time (even twice a day during winter, every time he poops etc - which is a lot). I’m actually the dirty one since i have the messy tendencies and during my blue days I actually get kind of lazy to bathe ahahaha awkward.

I did fall ill before this happened and I was taking tablets for cold and flu. I had just finished my period and I am also on the contraceptive implant though I'm not sure if any of these were the causes.

Anyway, since it’s the holidays and the weekend I won’t be able to go to get it checked out. If the symptoms don’t go away by Monday (and I’ll try as many natural remedies as I can in the mean time) then I’ll probably pop in to the health clinic near uni on Monday.

[brokenballads]

Important Message to your Kids

To all of my followers. I’ve just finished watching Making a Murderer on Netflix, and I feel like my next statement is so very important. This may contain “spoilers” if you haven’t seen it. Just be forewarned, but the message needs to be stated…

Talk to any young people you know… Let them know that it is imperative that they do not speak to law enforcement by themselves if they are ever questioned. Inform them to request an attorney IMMEDIATELY, and to stay quiet until one is present.

Seeing Brendan Dassey coerced into a confession and fed details to implicate him is absolutely sickening. This poor child. Shame on those GROWN MEN for questioning an obviously intellectually impaired teenager alone, for hours, and feeding him details of the crime subliminally.

I feel very strongly about this. Feel free to share this. Make sure your kids, their friends, your grandchildren, your nieces, nephews and youngsters alike know…

IT IS OKAY TO NOT TALK TO THE POLICE UNTIL AN ATTORNEY IS IN ATTENDANCE.

[cuddlemex]

Same problems

Whenever I work in the branch in city centre there always seems to be a problem with my wages. Everyone else who's worked there gets the same problem of not getting their hours paid, too. I mean, in the end if we speak up and try to get it sorted the wages will come through but it's just a pain. Last week I worked 2 days but I still haven't gotten paid from it, messaged my old boss who happens to do the wages for all the staff and he says he didn't get anything from the branch I worked at about my hours and for me to contact them first. So I did. He's been online this morning on whatsapp (we communicate about our shifts and stuff through whatsapp since I don't get service in my accommodation) and he hasn't looked at my message which is crappy.

[cuddlemex]

2016

NYE has never been a special night for me, I can't remember the last time I actually celebrated. When I've had the chance, money or friends though there were just things that got in the way. Last year I was working, the year before that I was in bed ill. However, this year I wanted it to be different. I wanted to be around people, I wanted to be around food, and I wanted to see the fireworks. Due to unforeseen - though not surprising - circumstances, I am left alone in my little uni room with nothing by piles of studies and essays to do. Oh well, there's always next year. 2016 will be my selfish year.

[cuddlemex]

I worked everyday for a whole week. I did 50 hours. I don't know if they're ripping me off at work or if it's just the way they calculate it or whatever (since one of the guys at the bar told me to speak to the boss when I said the hours listed for my shift was wrong as I had started earlier than what was written down, he said he doesn't know how to calculate it so maybe it's done a certain way idk). In the total, it said I worked 25 hours and 5 shifts when I've worked everyday and 50 hours?? Plus, pay day is Monday night and it is now early Wednesday and I still haven't gotten paid. I hope I get all my work's worth because I killed myself for those shifts.