We had a conversation the other day. We were on our way back from the movies but you got carried away driving and talking. You went on and on about what’s been going on and what’s up ahead for you, and I listened. Attentive but quiet, like it’s always been. But this time I caught up with something, specifically a word.
I said it describes you perfectly. But when the words left my mouth I felt a pit in my stomach. Like an emptiness that I didn’t know I had in me and I felt it all at once. I clutched my chest trying to grab at something that hadn’t been there in years. Ambition, ambition, ambition, my head kept repeating. I didn’t know why it made me spiral, why now? You kept talking but at this point, I had lost myself in thought. I felt the realization so deeply, like a punch to the gut that was gonna make me throw up. I have no ambition
I asked you to drop me over at my place instead of spending the night with you. I’m sorry but I couldn’t handle being around you anymore. I got home, turned on the shower and broke down. I fell and I cried until it hurt. “God what have I done” “What am I going to do” “Everyone has it but me” “I don’t belong here” “I failed” “I got everything I wanted but I don’t have the strength to keep it” “I’m weak” “I’m pathetic” “I’m so sorry”
This feeling weights me down too much. I hate when my grief and paranoia get the better of me. Specially now that it happens constantly. I wanna be able to think about anything else that isn’t misery. That night I begged to please make it stop. To please take the headache in my head, the nausea in my stomach, the fog from my eyes so I can see my life clearly. Cuz I can’t see anything clearly anymore. I can’t focus on anything that isn’t my immediate needs. I don’t have any plans , any prospects, any roadmaps for the future. Right now all I want is a place, to myself. A place that is all my own that won’t get taken away from me. I don’t care about making a change or being a exceptional or whatever, I just want to be ok. And I’m so ashamed of that. I’m ashamed that don’t want anything more for myself, that I can’t imagine anything more for myself. Everyone else around me has the ambition to make a life bigger than themselves, but not me. I don’t even know how I’m going to make it to next year.
And you’re no different than the rest. You want, no, you NEED to accomplish more than that. And just by the way you talk about yourself I can tell you’re going to. You’re gonna have the ability to touch and change so many lives in a positive way. And you don’t even need me to tell you that, you already know of what your capable of. You’re already so proud, so happy, so hopeful for the future. A future that I can’t even even picture anymore
I wonder if you can tell? If you know how little I have going for me. If you can see me losing control. If you can see how I’m failing apart in front of you. Or are you going to realize when I fall apart completely?
Did you even notice that night?
How do you even view me after what’s happened?
Yes I know why you love me. When we met and discovered how much we get each other, it felt like we validated our own existence. But I don’t think you need that anymore, do you? You know your place here while I still don’t. I’m afraid that you’re going to outgrow me. And that one day you’ll realize that and leave. Go find someone that’s put together, someone that your actually attracted to, someone who can live a life bigger than themselves. Someone else, which you know you can do. And I couldn’t blame you if you did
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