We had a conversation the other day. We were on our way back from the movies but you got carried away driving and talking. You went on and on about whatâs been going on and whatâs up ahead for you, and I listened. Attentive but quiet, like itâs always been. But this time I caught up with something, specifically a word.
I said it describes you perfectly. But when the words left my mouth I felt a pit in my stomach. Like an emptiness that I didnât know I had in me and I felt it all at once. I clutched my chest trying to grab at something that hadnât been there in years. Ambition, ambition, ambition, my head kept repeating. I didnât know why it made me spiral, why now? You kept talking but at this point, I had lost myself in thought. I felt the realization so deeply, like a punch to the gut that was gonna make me throw up. I have no ambition
I asked you to drop me over at my place instead of spending the night with you. Iâm sorry but I couldnât handle being around you anymore. I got home, turned on the shower and broke down. I fell and I cried until it hurt. âGod what have I doneâ âWhat am I going to doâ âEveryone has it but meâ âI donât belong hereâ âI failedâ âI got everything I wanted but I donât have the strength to keep itâ âIâm weakâ âIâm patheticâ âIâm so sorryâ
This feeling weights me down too much. I hate when my grief and paranoia get the better of me. Specially now that it happens constantly. I wanna be able to think about anything else that isnât misery. That night I begged to please make it stop. To please take the headache in my head, the nausea in my stomach, the fog from my eyes so I can see my life clearly. Cuz I canât see anything clearly anymore. I canât focus on anything that isnât my immediate needs. I donât have any plans , any prospects, any roadmaps for the future. Right now all I want is a place, to myself. A place that is all my own that wonât get taken away from me. I donât care about making a change or being a exceptional or whatever, I just want to be ok. And Iâm so ashamed of that. Iâm ashamed that donât want anything more for myself, that I canât imagine anything more for myself. Everyone else around me has the ambition to make a life bigger than themselves, but not me. I donât even know how Iâm going to make it to next year.
And youâre no different than the rest. You want, no, you NEED to accomplish more than that. And just by the way you talk about yourself I can tell youâre going to. Youâre gonna have the ability to touch and change so many lives in a positive way. And you donât even need me to tell you that, you already know of what your capable of. Youâre already so proud, so happy, so hopeful for the future. A future that I canât even even picture anymore
I wonder if you can tell? If you know how little I have going for me. If you can see me losing control. If you can see how Iâm failing apart in front of you. Or are you going to realize when I fall apart completely?
Did you even notice that night?
How do you even view me after whatâs happened?
Yes I know why you love me. When we met and discovered how much we get each other, it felt like we validated our own existence. But I donât think you need that anymore, do you? You know your place here while I still donât. Iâm afraid that youâre going to outgrow me. And that one day youâll realize that and leave. Go find someone thatâs put together, someone that your actually attracted to, someone who can live a life bigger than themselves. Someone else, which you know you can do. And I couldnât blame you if you did
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