Red Flags for Dating as a Submissive
Here’s the most important thing I can say about dating as a submissive:
You are 100% entitled to maintain your boundaries right up until the point where you agree to give control to a partner. Anyone who says otherwise can fuck right off.
With that said, I’ve compiled a set of red flags I’ve come across in dating.
Red Flag #1: Passive Aggressiveness
When a submissive calmly raise a concern with a Dominant and they respond passive aggressively, this is a very bad sign. For D/s to work well, I firmly believe that both parties must be able to communicate honestly and openly. This is particularly important for submissives early in a relationship. Submissives who are not comfortable with something have to be able to speak up, or the dynamic is doomed from the start.
The passive aggressive Dominant shuts down this open communication. They aren’t interested in your comfort or your trust; they just want you to shut up and do as you’re told. “Fine, I won’t say it ever again.” No, that’s not what I said. But I was uncomfortable, and you didn’t care. Passive aggressive behavior makes no attempt to understand feelings or care for them. It puts earplugs in and does whatever it wants anyways. A person like this is dangerous, on either side of the slash.
Red Flag #2: Rapid Mood Swings
If someone goes from being incredibly excited to see you to lashing out in anger in the span of 20 minutes (and you did not, say, kill their dog), this is not a stable person. Rapid mood swings are a red flag in general, but in a Dominant, they can be terrifying. Submissives put so much trust in their Dominants to be a reliable, solid source of support. Rapid mood swings can destroy that trust. Again, this one is true on both sides of the slash. To be clear, it’s one thing to experience volatile emotions and quite another to lash out at one’s partner over them. Dominants who do this are incapable of controlling themselves, and for that reason, they should never be trusted to lead a D/s dynamic.
Red Flag #3: Guilt Trips and Manipulation
One of the most important traits in a Dominant is respect for boundaries. The things we do require so much trust that a submissive must know their boundaries are respected. Guilt trips try to needle you away from your boundaries into a space where you have not freely consented to give yourself.
“If you really loved me, you would…"—Oh? If you really loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do something after I’ve said no. Repeatedly. And given you reasons.
“You’re keeping me from being myself if you don’t let me do this.“—All I said was that I’m not ready yet. If your identity involves taking control from people who aren’t ready, then go be yourself with someone else.
“I’m the worst Dom ever and don’t deserve you.“—I call this one the crocodile tear guilt trip. It’s designed to get you to say, “No, you’re wonderful.” And then they say, “Then why won’t you do x for me?” This faux self-pity nonsense is both weak and manipulative.
Red Flag #4: Invalidating Your Feelings
If you feel uncomfortable or unhappy or not ready for something, you are 100% entitled to feel that way. Now, a good submissive (or relationship partner in general) will try to understand those feelings and share the reasons for them to help their Dominant lead more effectively. And a good Dominant will listen and try to understand. But if a Dominant says you shouldn’t feel what you feel, that’s a red flag. If a Dominant brushes your feelings off as a sign of inexperience or lack of knowledge or any other thing, that’s a red flag. If you are uncomfortable, you are uncomfortable. Full stop. Maybe you will be more comfortable with talking and research and so on. But that does not invalidate your feelings in this moment. And any Dominant who tries to invalidated your feelings like that is not someone you can trust to take care of you.
Red Flag #5: Assuming Control in One Area Means Control in All Areas
It’s not unusual to give control in some areas before others. In fact, this is basically how it should happen. Gradually, submissives and Dominants build trust, and submissives offer more and more control to their Dominants. It’s a beautiful thing.
Many Dominants try to take too much control too early. They get twitchy sometimes because they know how to fix all the things if we would just let them have control omg now please. But good Dominants will recognize when they’ve overstepped and will step back. It’s a red flag when they don't—when they assume that control in one area entitles them to control everywhere.
Dominants do not have control unless you give it to them. Freely and enthusiastically. Period. Control in the bedroom, for example, doesn’t give a Dominant the authority to create new rules unilaterally. Especially early on. It’s a red flag when a Dominant demands new rules without first discussing them and understanding the submissive’s feelings. And it’s a flaming red flag when they get angry when you push back or say you’re not ready.
Red Flag #6: Overuse of the Phrase “Topping from the Bottom”
I don’t universally hate the phrase “topping from the bottom” as some people do. But I will say that 80% of the time I see it, it’s being used to manipulate an uncomfortable submissive into silence and obedience. This phrase is especially alarming when there is no committed D/s dynamic. In the early stages of dating, submission is more-or-less ad hoc. You choose to obey (or not) in every moment, as you feel comfortable. And you make that part of your ongoing dialogue about what you’re ready to give and what you’re not.
When a Dominant pushes your boundaries, you are entitled to say no. And if they say this is topping from the bottom, they can fuck off. Maintaining boundaries in areas you have not given control is not topping from the bottom. Maintaining boundaries when you are not in a committed dynamic is not topping from the bottom.
You cannot top from the bottom in areas where you have not consented to be bottom.
Red Flag #7: Questioning Your Submissiveness
“I pretty much figured out you aren’t really submissive about a week ago.” This came after a Dominant repeatedly stepped over my boundaries. This Dominant tried to unilaterally set a rule 2 weeks into us dating and got angry when I said I was willing to do a task but not have an established rule. Then a week later, this Dominant demanded more of my time. When I gave very specific, good reasons about my life being incredibly stressful for the next month or so, this Dominant told me I’m not a real submissive.
If a Dominant is going to insult your identity because you don’t follow rules you never agreed to, they can 100% fuck right off. Being a submissive is not about letting anyone with a D by their name walk all over you from the first moment they meet you. Anyone who expects that does not give a shit about who you are or what you need. They do not respect you. They will not take care of you.
Submissives have a right to boundaries, right up to the point that they freely and enthusiastically give control of those boundaries to their Dominants. Anger, instability, manipulation, and repeated overstepping are huge red flags in a Dominant. I won’t give my submission to just anyone, and I won’t give it to anyone who shows such entitlement and disregard for my boundaries. Especially early on. I know who I am. No one is going to make me question my submissive heart. Especially not someone so domineering and undeserving of my trust.
I’m sure this list is only the beginning. Please feel free to add to these with your own red flags.
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