While talking to a friend recently, I realized there is (still) much misinformation and lack of education when discussing abusive relationships and sexual assault. There is a deep belief in many people that individuals who remain in abusive relationships must “enjoy it” or it’s their fault for not leaving. This is simply not true and these ingrained opinions are due to many factors such as: lack of education, patriarchal and misogynistic systems and stigma revolving abuse victims. As far as sexual abuse goes, the same holds true. I’ve heard many people say they’d “rather be dead" than be raped or straight up assume I wished my rapist killed me prior to the assault so I didn’t have to live with it. I’ve also heard people say it doesn’t seem like a big deal (rape) and ask what the difference between rape and sex were, if any. Rather than getting resentful at the arrogance and naivety of these comments, I understand the stereotype of survivors being “used up and broken” and people who have never experienced sexual trauma are ignorant of the consequences that follow. If you yourself have never lived through sexual violence, you can’t begin to comprehend what it is like. Due to the large amount of (or lack thereof) misinformation when it comes to sexual and intimate partner violence, I’ve decided to compile a list of the most common myths and misconceptions when it comes to these two issues. “MYTH: Victims cause the violence that has happened to them FACT: It doesn’t matter what someone is wearing or how they are acting, no one asks to be raped. People who sexually assault often use force, threat, or injury. An absence of injuries does not indicate the victim consented. MYTH: There is no reason for a victim not to report being raped to law enforcement FACT: Rape is the least reported and convicted violence crime in the U.S. There are many reasons why victims may choose not to report to law enforcement or tell anyone about what happened to him/her. MYTH: Victims provoke sexual assaults when they dress provocatively or act in a promiscuous manner. FACT: Rape and sexual assault are crimes of violence and control that stem from a person’s determination to exercise power over another. Forcing someone to engage in non-consensual sexual activity is sexual assault, regardless of the way that person dresses or acts. MYTH: If a person goes to someone’s room, house, or goes to a bar, he/she assumes the risk of sexual assault. If something happens later, he/she can’t claim that he/she was raped or sexually assaulted because he/she should have known not to go to those places. FACT: This “assumption of risk” wrongfully places the responsibility of the offender’s actions with the victim. Even if a person went voluntarily to someone’s residence or room and consented to engage in some sexual activity, it does not serve as a blanket consent for all sexual activity. MYTH: It’s not sexual assault if it happens after drinking or taking drugs. FACT:Being under the influence of alcohol or drugs is not an invitation for non-consensual sexual activity. A person under the influence of drugs or alcohol does not cause others to assault him/her; others choose to take advantage of the situation and sexually assault him/her because he/she is in a vulnerable position. MYTH: Most sexual assaults are committed by strangers. It’s not rape if the people involved knew each other. FACT: Most sexual assaults and rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. Among victims aged 18 to 29, two-thirds had a prior relationship with the offender. MYTH: Rape can be avoided if people avoid dark alleys or other “dangerous” places where strangers might be hiding or lurking. FACT: Rape and sexual assault can occur at any time, in many places, to anyone. MYTH: It’s only rape if the victim puts up a fight and resists. FACT: There are many reasons why a victim of sexual assault would not fight or resist her attacker. She/he may feel that fighting or resisting will make her/his attacker angry, resulting in more severe injury. MYTH: Sexual assault is often the result of miscommunication or a mistake. FACT: Sexual assault is a crime, never simply a mistake. It does not occur due to a miscommunication between two people. Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual contact obtained without consent through the use of force, threat of force, intimidation, or coercion. MYTH: Sexual assault won’t happen to me or to anyone I know. FACT: Men, women and children of all ages, races, religions, and economic classes, and can be and have been, victims of sexual assault. Sexual assault occurs in rural areas, small towns and larger cities. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, a rape or attempted rape occurs every 5 minutes in the United States. MYTH: Most sexual assaults occur between strangers. FACT: Most sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows: a neighbor, friend, acquaintance, co-worker, classmate, spouse, partner or ex-partner. Studies show that approximately 80% of women reporting sexual assault knew their assailant. MYTH: Women falsely accuse men of sexual assault or “cry rape.” FACT: Reported sexual assaults are true, with very few exceptions. FBI crime statistics indicate that only 2% of reported rapes are false. This is the same rate of false reporting as other major crime reports. MYTH: Men cannot be sexually assaulted. FACT: Men can be, and are, sexually assaulted. In Colorado one in seventeen men are sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Sexual assault of men is thought to be greatly under-reported. Any man can be sexually assaulted regardless of size, strength, sexual orientation, or appearance. MYTH: Most sexual assaults are interracial. FACT: Almost all sexual assaults occur between members of the same race. Interracial rape is not common, but it does occur. MYTH: People who commit sexual assaults are mentally ill, abnormal perverts. FACT: Sexual offenders come from all educational, occupational, racial and cultural backgrounds. They are “ordinary” and “normal” individuals who sexually assault victims to assert power and control over them and inflict violence, humiliation and degradation. MYTH: Victims who do not fight back have not been sexually assaulted. FACT: Anytime someone is forced to have sex against their will, they have been sexually assaulted, regardless of whether or not they fought back. There are many reasons why a victim might not physically fight their attacker including shock, fear, threats or the size and strength of the attacker. MYTH: A rape survivor will be battered, bruised, and hysterical. FACT: Many rape survivors are not visibly injured. The threat of violence alone is often sufficient cause for a woman to submit to the rapist, to protect herself from physical harm. People react to crisis in different ways. The reaction may range from composure to anxiety, depression, flashbacks, and suicidal feelings. MYTH: Serial rapists are uncommon. FACT: Most every perpetrator is a serial rapist, meaning that they choose to use coercion, violence, threats of force, etc.to assault people on a repeated basis. MYTH: When women say no, they really mean yes. FACT: Yes means yes! When someone says yes, s/he is explicitly giving consent. Silence does not equal consent. It is the responsibility of the person initiating or escalating sexual activity to gain consent at each and every level. If you are ever unclear about your partner’s wishes, ask for clarification. If your partner says no or seems unsure, respect that person and her/his wishes. MYTH: If a person is aroused s/he is assaulted, then it is not really sexual assault. FACT: Orgasm does not mean that someone “enjoyed” the sex, or that they wanted it. Orgasm can be a natural biological reaction that someone can’t control; it does not mean that forced or coerced sexual activity was consensual and often this is used to silence the survivor. MYTH: Domestic violence is a private family matter. FACT: Domestic Violence is everyone’s business. Keeping domestic violence secret helps no one, has been shown to harm children, incurs substantial costs to society, and serves to perpetrate abuse through learned patterns of behavior. MYTH: Most of the time, domestic violence is not really that serious. FACT: Domestic violence is an illegal act in the U.S. and is considered a crime with serious repercussions. Although there are aspects of domestic violence (example: emotional, psychological, spiritual abuse) that may not be considered criminal in a legal sense, serious and long-lasting physical, emotional and spiritual harm can, and often does, occur. Each and every act of domestic violence needs to be taken seriously. MYTH: Victims provoke their partners’ violence. FACT: Whatever the problems exist in a relationship, the use of violence is never justifiable or acceptable. There is NO EXCUSE for domestic violence. MYTH: Domestic violence is an impulse control problem. FACT: Abusers act deliberately and with forethought. Abusers choose whom to abuse. For example, an abuser will selectively batter their partner but not their boss. MYTH: Domestic violence is bad but it happens else elsewhere. It doesn’t happen in my community, my neighborhood, my culture, my religion, or my congregation. FACT: Domestic violence happens to people of every educational and socioeconomic level. Domestic violence happens in all races, religions, and age groups. Domestic violence occurs in both heterosexual and same-sex relationships. MYTH: It is easy for a victim to leave their abuser, so if he/she doesn’t leave, it means he/she likes the abuse or is exaggerating how bad it is. FACT: Fear, lack of safe options, and the inability to survive economically prevent many victims from leaving abusive relationships. Threats of harm, including death to the victim and/or children, keep many battered women/men trapped in abusive situations. The most dangerous time for a victim is when he/she attempts to leave the relationship, or when the abuser discovers that he/she has made plans to leave. MYTH: Domestic violence can occur in older women, but it is quite rare. . FACT: Approximately half of all elder abuse in women is thought to be domestic violence “grown old”. Older battered women are less likely to seek and receive help. MYTH: Anger management programs are briefer, more cost effective than, and just as successful as certified batterer intervention programs. FACT: Although briefer and less expensive than certified batterer intervention programs, anger management programs are not effective to address the deep-rooted issues of batterers.”