leave me alone

[cupidslament]

I'm sorry you met me after my dad had snuffed the last little bit of light I still had out of me

[cupidslament]

I can't even say I was groomed. I did all that shit to myself. It my fault I have underage nudes of myself being passed around.

[cupidslament]

I definitely don't have enough trauma to have DID on what I was raped and my parents didn't care. That's pathetic

[cupidslament]

Like that was the worst part of DBT.... Realizing how many of those things I used to do on my own and then realizing how my father's behavior trained all that out of me.

[cupidslament]

Will never forget our dad straight up telling us "if you feel upset it's a good idea to smash stuff in a controlled manner" going so far as to tell me that certain objects were ok to break...... and then when I would go up into my room and crush cans I would be berated for it. Like haha why the fuck would you do that? Why would you tell me to do something and then punish me for it.

[cupidslament]

Like seriously what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to take that advice? Was I supposed to go do it outside? Oh no wait, every time no would try to leave the house when I was upset he would say things to imply that I was going to be beaten or raped for crying in public or go "you always do this yeah run away from the problem". There was no fucking coping mechanism that was safe. Ever. He literally trained them out of me. I would try to take a step back I would get berated. I would try to communicate in a way that worked for me, berated. I would try to go to my room. Berated. I would try to go for a walk I would try to listen to music I would try to talk to my friends I would try to take a shower.... Nothing was right. No way of taking care of myself when I was upset was appropriate. He chipped away at all of my skills until they were gone.

But I deserved it. I crushed cans in my room! Just like he told me to. And shouldn't I be punished for following advice too?

[cupidslament]

Will never forget our dad straight up telling us "if you feel upset it's a good idea to smash stuff in a controlled manner" going so far as to tell me that certain objects were ok to break...... and then when I would go up into my room and crush cans I would be berated for it. Like haha why the fuck would you do that? Why would you tell me to do something and then punish me for it.

[cupidslament]

Sometimes I wish we had lost that finger so there was evidence of the neglect

[cupidslament]

I need to be so high I can't think feel or see

[cupidslament]

They used to tell us how their ex created a narrative of them creating a cult like environment with their metaphysical talk. And I always thought that was so ridiculous because of course all that is real.

It made so much sense with our beliefs about the world. And I may fall in love again but by gods. I don't think I will ever meet anyone who understands like they do ever again.

[cupidslament]

The chill of disgust that goes through my ribs when I remember I split a 6 year old version of myself. That version of me cannot.... It doesn't know what to keep to itself.

[cupidslament]

I need to see horrific things on screen because growing up horrible things weren't allowed to happen to us. A paradox because those things were happening to us anyway. Molestation could happen to a girl scout troop member and we were instructed to protect her. If it happened to us it went into a vaccum. I had to hide it. I *had to* hide it all away. I saw how it went when Vanian would act out or straight up try to say something about it. And fucking no one can continue to be a "good kid" when it's just layer upon layer of abuse that it's not safe to talk about. Because "there is no crying in baseball" because we were too young to be taken seriously because anything other than happy got us ignored outright. Locks and doors and hidden keys and fucking. Burying it all. To keep us presentable to the people who controlled our lives because the last thing we have ever been allowed to be is traumatized

So I need to see horrible things happen on screen as proof they can happen at all.

[malwarednb-deactivated20210504]

[cupidslament]

"other regressors don't act like this" I don't think most other regressors are dealing with the things Saint is when it comes to regression. We are keeping it private for a reason. How dare you.

[cupidslament]

The people who preach loving yourself have never been in a situation where they actually started asking themselves if self love is the right thing to do

[cupidslament]

Being raped is the only sex someone can have with me where I can know they actually want to have sex with me.

[cupidslament]

I wish I understood what I did wrong better. I wish I knew what was wrong sooner. I wish I wasn't stupid.

[cupidslament]

I didn't want the sex. I went out of my way not to ask. It's litterally just something inherant I don't think other people can consent to sex with me. I genuinely don't know what other than the stupid fucking hotel I don't know what exactly I did to make her feel like she had to fuck me I can't figure out exactly what it was that caused it and I can't figure it the fuck out and I have to. I have to.